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My Beautiful Rescue; This Providence |
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here's a little insight into the newly improved me.
basically I've reached a standpoint in my life that I shouldn't reach until mid30s. crisis. you cant avoid it. as a teenager, the hormones get all complicated and you know you're being overdramatic but you cant help it because Jimmy wont share his feelings and Idontknowwhattodo. also whatdidIdotodeservethis. unfortunately, if my problems were so petty I probably wouldnt be writing this to you.
I dont think you'll understand, but I dont think you wont understand. it's hard to see this and empathize from another person's point of view.
and it only partially has to do with Cameron. I'll explain. he's been himself lately, but I have minor complaints. and for some reason, these observations surface whenever he even mildly disappoints me, even though that doesnt take fantastically much. example, he's a serious loner. he can go days without talking to me. he'll still be thinking about me, but he can occupy his time with necessary actions and work he should be focusing on. that's all good and wonderful. but I am here, feeling detached, because my boyfriend has been a loner for twenty years and I have been dependent for three. these are complete extreme differences.
he supported me. long story short, I took my license test Friday. I failed. if I had passed, I would have been well on my way to Jersey to spend the weekend through Monday, because my tutor has a meeting Monday and cant make it, so I saw a window of opportunity of spending more time with him than just two days. this is important because next month is a busy month; I have court, I had planned on going to True Colors in Connecticut, I'm going to Chicago for a week. I wont be seeing much of anybody in March, other than working my ass off to get a job. I wont be able to take the license test again (due to their shitty schedule-two-weeks-in-advance nonsense) until February 22nd. cant get a job until then. need money. need the license. that is my "week", and I will be hysterical, then one week from then I go to court. Jersey simply wont happen until April. and that's too long for me. so I was desperate to come this weekend. I cried my heart out when I failed, like I knew I would, and it was a difficult day yesterday. but then, almost as if on suicide-saving-cue (a joke), my Friday tutor tells me that we have a 5-day weekend coming up. which includes Valentine's day.
I see Cameron in four days. I leave Wednesday night, come back Monday. I'll put up with the shitty bus ride if it means I'll see him before April. which works for me, even better than before. I like this plan.
however, today has been off. I didnt feel like the dance party I showed up to. I felt out of place because my boyfriend lives in Jersey. I feel awful because I love him so much, and I'm still very attracted and looking forward to seeing him. but I cant appreciate him when I'm not there. and another thing... he's moving out of his current location in South Jersey as of July. if he cant move in with the ONE friend he has that he can live with, about a 50% chance of this failing, then he's moving in with his dad. in North Jersey. so when I move to philly after this summer, he'll be another goddamned two hours away from me and it wont have changed a thing.
moving to Philly means I'm 25 minutes away, and 25 minutes away is better than fucking 2 and a half hours. but I dont want to go to North Jersey. it's closer to New York and shit and I just. I dont know. I said Id do anything. he always makes his work/schooling come first. he says he'll remake all his friends which wouldnt be a problem for Cam if he were on a deserted island with all of his fucking enemies. I envy him for that, but I'm glad. I'm here to support no matter how sociable I WISH I was.
what he didnt mention was that he could find another girlfriend to replace me. ouchh. I should've known this already though...
at any rate, right now I sort of feel like things are exclusively uncertain and I dont really like it. I know go with the flow. I know trust fate. but fate is what brought him to me. and I dont want to let him get away.
right now I'm bored. with things. life is unexciting, and in the past two days, everything and nothing has happened all at once. I just dont know what to do really. he's not directly hurting me in any way, but it feels like yesterday he didnt understand me, and today he was insensitive, and I dont know. it's just so surreal.
in other words I'm looking forward to a lot of things turning around for me, and hopefully this will dissolve. As I mentioned to you, in the most concise and simple way possible, I'm happy. satisfied... and complicated. I'm looking for the imperfects right now.
yesterday, Friday night, I wrote all of the following. this is important.:
sometimes, you fuckin amaze me.
sometimes you just dont.
Sarah and I had a ridiculously good talk tonight. She listened to me for two hours. I am put at ease by how well I can communicate with her now that the boyfriend is basically gone and done with. The only thing I have to worry or look out for in the matter of her concern is the current situation, her heaping amounts of good news with her ex.
But we discussed that, and together we assessed the fact that he calls her when she's sick and knows without her telling him when something's wrong. I mean, granted, with girls this isnt very hard. Although many recognize it and do nothing about it, my boyfriend sometimes happens to be one of those guys. Whether it's blatant insensitivity or it's really that unclear that I'm not happy, it still gets me down just the same. Agreedly Jason makes a more conscious effort to assert that she is okay than Caleb did. In the end, the man who stands up for you without thinking about it and shows up in the time of need or discomfort, is the one you want to be with and you will be insane for having overlooked. It's hard to gauge in the beginning stages, so I told her not to jump the gun. Just as the more mature as well as experienced guy-friends of mine from the diner relinquished as if admitting defeat during holding-cell interrogation, once the guy has the girl, the truth may appear. You can never be too cautious of one's intentions. Point being, he will be there through the cold and the rain, and if he needs to, he will hold you closer as his friend before he holds you as his girlfriend. It's a difficult task to achieve.
And then Caleb (her current boyfriend situation that doesnt make a lick of sense). I denoted that he didnt impress me. There was and still is nothing wrong with him as a person; I dont mark him as a failure of a human being, however he's not making much of himself and never has. If working two jobs and then the easy way out (OOH LETS JOIN THE MILITARY AKNDSFJKDSF!) and replacing the supposedly important female in his life with an ex-girlfriend's telephone voice is that seriously appealing, I wouldn't encourage one to try to base a committed relationship off of it. I support the idea of retreating at the first sign of danger.
We discussed the commitment thing. Decidedly, Jason still needs a few more years of being young and dumb and then he'll be sensibly ready. I mentioned that she should probably not moniter too closely and it will come back to her. We traced over the fact that marriage is still very far ahead for the both of us, and as long as a healthy relationship can last a couple of years, well that's worth time and effort just as much as one who I'd like to be engaged to is as well. We dont need to marry the first guy who treats us right, even though it is a natural function of the female mind. I discussed my relationship, and how seeing through someone's flaws is part of love, but also part of the death of you, as it was in my situation a couple of years ago. I tried not to listen to what everyone was telling me and I hurt myself. I am still quite distinctively getting burned, no pun intended, every time his face enters my memory and unfortunately I cannot put into plain english what that is like for any of you readers who havent been in love.
I brought up a well-illustrated point by the current love of my life, and how he's made certain sacrifices for me. But that's not the only concept required in the attaining of the ascension itself. There are unconquered miscommunications to assess, life crises to attend to, as well as broken feelings to amend. The boyfriend should be a best friend first & foremostly, and then when it's necessary, a lover. Both of aforementioned titles have one main attribute in common; caretaking. It has to be done. It has to be valid, and it has to be genuine.
We described our experiences being ourselves, as original and unique and imperfect we may both be, we have similar theories of development, to that concern of parenting and how bad ours were. We have been humbled and decided who we'd want to be while we're still moderately young and able to comprehend intelligent thought and ideas. We never want to be Kyle's girlfriend, the spoiled whore that she happens to be. Sarah is decent. That's why she and I are close.
What vast courage it takes to live in the moment. Inhaling and exhaling all desire to be alive in that purely blissful moment is why I keep coming back for more. That's correct, I am addicted to all five senses reeling, my stomach flipping, the knot in my throat begging for the words to come out and play music on others' ears because that would release any milligram of self-doubt left in my system, purging the body of second-guessing and irreversible fears. It's plainly easier all the way around to appreciate what is occuring in the present, rather than regress to the past or become intimidated by the unfolding unknown. Why spontaneity? Life is all about the MOMENT. That is why we dont exist in the past or do away our days with time-travel. I constantly prepare myself for the downfall, for the worse, always truly possible to come, so we can expect the change to be bad therefore why we should love life the way it is. Appreciate now while you still can.
Doing our best, she and I try to keep life simple. One step at a fucking time. The present moment can be overwhelming, and unless it's overfilling your heart with melting sparks of radiant emotion, it can get dark and unforgiving in a couple more of those moments, and you find yourself trapped in an ocean of noise, unable to fight your way out. Problems come immediately and without warning, but you can assess them as slowly as you like, as long as you reach a solution. Sometimes these notions just come with time.
I was considerably relaxed, and talkative for that matter, when she spoke with me. Life paused, averting from being the scrambling chaos I have adjusted to, and I have arrived at the grasp of who's right about what and which voice of reason I should listen to much more, and conversely, much less. Keeping life simple is a response to making the most of a bad time and not asking too much. An equal addition to the mix of both styles makes for a lovely drink to sip on when the turmoil is like an entire hurricane to digest.
Unfortunately, while I was bragging and boasting of my incredible relationship, I didnt take time to give a shit about second-guessing myself. I dont second-guess myself with Cameron; I rarely even falter, if fucking ever. But sometimes he fails to amaze me, and I guess that is the only certain problem as of late. I know he's amazing. He means the goddamned planet, stars & universe alike to me, and me alone, and he & I deserve that. However, sometimes I am just unimpressed, unamazed, a little bitterly disappointed. I know he can do better, there is always room for improvement, which is what she and I also find ourselves inevitably striving for; progress. His insensitivity leaves me high and dry way too often. He needs to learn that there is more to me than messy passion. I need his friendship badly. Even still nobody's perfect.
The boy looks out for me. Gives more than he can. Pushes me, something I am not used to in these eighteen years. Makes small, very-much-appreciated changes. He has always tried to fix me, talked to me when sleep was being stubborn, and assists wherever he possibly can. For some reason, these things make him feel good, probably relatively for the same reasons I would encounter lightheartedness and loyalty upon going through the same processes. It's rewarding. I give, he gives back. The converse is true. This cyclic comfort and concern brings me no nausea or misplaced trust, as I felt in the previous described "relationship." If one could even call it that.
A mother who has abandoned her child establishes a healthier relationship than what was Kyle & I. At least the child has a chance of not drowning in her mother's care, as I did in Kyle's.
Our reactions? I dont know how I ever loved you. It turns out, you taught me one valuable concept, among several others, but this one will always ring true in every human being I meet for the rest of my life. I learned not to hide from those flaws, but to embrace them. From now on I will give them as much attention as the perfections, because if I dont attentively recognize the just as important flaws, they will be what practically crushes me or leaves me within an inch of my life in the end. Arriving at this conclusion took trial and error, rationalities known through decision-making. The support is here with open arms when the bridge is long and unrelenting, the end not clearly in sight.
Sarah and I look past people's minor flaws. We realize only the good traits, what really shines about somebody, but that natural aura is a distraction, and even serial killers have them. These disillusions of course are only brought to surface after the blood is on their hands and they're looking you in the eye telling you they didnt just shoot you.
That will change long before I'm murdered again.
I am racked with disappointment and self-wallowing. I was going to redirect these horrible feelings into actually teaching myself something new, but just because I wrote it out in a black and white pixellated text area doesnt mean I'll remember a thing. This entry, among the hundreds of others, will also be paged through, overlooked, undisturbed, and it seems I have failed my mission. From now on, I think I'm going to undisclose my thoughts. This digital gutspilling is doing me no good. This time there was no murder weapon and no evidence, I simply did this to myself.
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