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[11 Feb 2004|08:07pm] |
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haven't wrote here in a while. yesterday, i wsa crazy happy. before that enrage. now i feel nothing. I feel like I know nothing, I am nothing and nothing is all that will ever be. isn't that special.
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| love me , fuck me, and then fuck me again |
[10 Jan 2004|10:07pm] |
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mood |
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 horny |
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I am sick of all of it. sick of the world. sick of the ineternet. Sick of not being able to focus. but mostly sick of being alone. I want someone. I wanna fuck their brains out. For once I want someone to take an interest in me. The one guy who did wound up being my bestfriends boyfriend. It just fucking figures. Well she came on to him, while when he came onto me REALLY strong, I just pulled back. I dunno, I think at that part though I knew she liked him. I get along great with guys, as along as its plutonic. Like when she started going out with him we got along great again.
She wanted to go out with koichi, AGAIN, lately. I am sick of hannah crossing the friendship boundaries. I mean its okay everyonce and a while when someone is your goodfriend and you truely feel like its something moore but seriously. Grady, Andrew, I mean those two were only her good friends. She was "friends" with John. I think sean was her only non-friend friendship. I just don't want her recking anything but I think our circle of friends is already screwed. I mean, FUCK, I never see ANYONE anymore. Hannah never calls. Vanessa calls me, but the ways she does I can't handel it. Koichi is the only one who makes me want to leave me room. Hes so sweet. I wish I could be as nice to him as he is to me. Just when I feel like I have no friends in the world he ims me all "what are you up to, I feel like seeing you." God hes the best. I guess thats why I don't want Hannah going out with him. I don't want her to hurt him. Like she hurt sean or something. I mean, with all of the guys she went out with I was always on her side. But koichi, if anything between them happened I wouldn't know what to do. his first relationship shouldn't be like that.
I don't understand why he does not have a girl friend. Seriously, he is a perfect guy. Who knows. I guess its because he doesn't chase girls. Maybe hes gay--although I seriously doubt that. it a REALLLY REALLLY big way. Just because you r not dating the opposite sex does not mean you don't like them. THis comming from a girl who everyone thought was a lesbian in the 6th grade just because she didn't obesses about what boy she had a crush on.
all the same, I am horny and sick of being lonely.
FUCK FUCK FUCK
doesn't anyone want to fuck me?!?!?!
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| those long winter ngiht |
[09 Jan 2004|01:27am] |
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mood |
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time seems to slip away on these long nights. Isolated in the depths of my room. The insomnia driving me to the drink of madness. I know nothing about everything. At night I tend to feel safe but like the rest of the world alone and suspicous of the shadows. I am sick and tired of people complaning to me of the woas and troubles, I don't rant one about mine, I don't waste their time surching for an once of reasured comfort. Some nights I wish I could floats away, I don't know to where but to some place where people want to get inside my head, where I am forced to share. God I sound like a emo loser. I need sleep. I am thinking too much. Sounding like a girl. I need a drink. I think I shall go and float away to a dream paradise now, only t awaken tomorrow more sad and miserable because I felt happiness for a fleeting moment.
but before I go, I do wonder why people are so lonely in the winter. Why people always fuck in the spring. Why people stay in miserable relationships, just to avoid being alone. Vanessa tells me I can't complain about being alone because my dating life hasn't begun yet. I tell her thats bullshit. In my head I scream, What the fuck does she know about being alone. These people who say and think such things have always had boyfriends or girlfriends or fuck buddies so they cannot relate. You learn to detach your self, to not invest your emotions in people, to stop complaining about being alone. You don't nessairly learn to be independent but you learn not to be codependent. You learn how to survive. To deal with the pain and the cold every moment of everyday. Sometimes you don't learn, sometimes you jump. But most suicide victims aren't virgins, they are winners-silent winners. So I guess what vanessa said has some validity to it, I guess people who never know love or lust don't have the right to complain because they are damned fools. they are romantics. they are losers.
How do you break out of a slump like that. HOW?!? You fucking assholes can't imagine what its like to know you are going to have to graduate high school a dateless virgin. That was alwyas my biggest fear, to be a 18 year old virgin. Ever since 7th grade that has been the biggest fear of mine. I guess you also stay single so long because of a certan mentality. All I know is I hate life and life hates me. Its not fair that I have so be alone. I would kill myself but then I would have to die a virgin and that is one of the worst fate imaginable. I am 17. I have never had a boyfriend. My life is falling apart. I am trying to stop it but I can't. And everyone I know is to buissy dealing with their melodrama of the day to notice. No one calls me-correction no one use to call me. SO I gave up on going out. Vanessa called last weekend. I spent my birthday alone. And now I have been ranting for too long. Time to go to bed. And dream of a crappier tomorrow. Thank god I got a different journal for my insane posts the lj reader couldn't take another one.
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| new journal..wow |
[30 Dec 2003|11:15pm] |
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mood |
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today was fucking shitty...i am too tired to write about it so maybe later
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