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>> blaming everyone but me for this mess [24 May 2006|02:37am]
[ music | Fall Out Boy: Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner ]

Alright.. this is going to be an extremely short update. My (ex)boyfriend ran his mouth to the wrong people. Bragging about how he hooked up with his ex-girlfriend's bestfriend, me, and that I'm a virgin so he doesn't want to take my virginity but that I say he's the master at everything else. Okay.. we've barely even kissed we cuddle more than anything. I don't know why he thinks he needs to be so cool but whatever. I am a pretty stubbron person and was pretty fed up after hearing this and wouldn't even talk to him. He grew frustrated, naturally, but obsessively so. He would show up at my house randomly. Wait around the corner and follow the car I was in. Or once, I stayed the night at my friend's house, and he showed up on her doorstep at 8 o'clock in the morning. On the phone, he said "If you're not going to come out here and talk to me right now, I don't think we should see eachother anymore." I replied, "Okay." and hung up. I was through dealing with him.

Anyway.. I honestly don't think I'm meant for relationships, because it didn't even hurt and I didn't even care. I lose interest within a couple of weeks, and even when I have interest I crave it from other people. I don't know what I want or who I want it with.. but for now I'm content without it.

I'm also doing bad and illegal things and spending my money on things I shouldn't.. figure it out. But.... I'm so happy. Except I wish I wasn't so damn fat.

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>> nothing tastes as sweet as what i can't have [26 Apr 2006|02:37am]
[ music | Teddy Geiger: For You I Will (Confidence) ]

So these past few days have been.. amazing. I laugh for no reason, and I love it. And by laugh.. I mean spit out your drink, water thru the nose, sore sides laughter. I'm not sure when I turned so happy, but I like it. Granted, I'm still not HAPPY, but I'm happy. I guess there's different emotions to different aspects of my life right now.. and I'm okay with that.

Anyway.. I have a boyfriend now. And I'm extremely confused by my friend's reaction (it's her exboyfriend.) She says she doesn't mind, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't. She does, however, state that it WILL be weird if we all hang out together. Which is 100% true, I completely understand this. Then she invites us with her and her family on a trip to the mountains? CONFUSION. Obviously it's not a bad type of confusion, it's just confusion.

I hate that I'm becoming everything I tried so hard to fight. The rumors ran rampid, I denied them because they weren't true.. though they're slowly becoming true. The one thing I constantly begged all my friends for.. I have in my hands. A hundred bucks worth. It's mine, all mine. And I want it all right now. Though I'm missing something to make it better, and I'm kind of scared to handle it on my own. But I'll be okay.. I'll be alright.. I'll keep lying to myself.... but I'm still extremely happy that I have it.

Boyfriends are cute. Cute love songs they set as your ringtone are cute. Friends are awesome. Friends that keep secrets are even awesomer. Friends coming home from long trips are awesome. Friends that can actually get you what you want despite it being wrong or bad are awesome. LYRICS ARE AWESOME. Thunderstorms are awesome. Holding hands is awesome. Cuddling is awesome. Kissing is awesome.

I'm happy.


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>> we are all alone, but we're better off by ourselves. [20 Apr 2006|08:28am]
[ music | Cartel: Luckie St. ]

Welcome to my Blurty journal.. I decided that I'm opening a brand new chapter of my life, and want a documentation. Seeing as I type 100+ words a minute, and I'm too lazy to actually pick up a pen and record each moment of my life.. the internet seemed a perfect spot for my thoughts. Also, I don't want to be completely secret about everything, but I don't want ones close enough to me to actually know what's going on. Voila, my Blurty journal was born.

Just to get off to a little start of who I am.. my name is Rosalind, Rosie for short. I am 19 years old, live in a small town, dance is my life.. and I have/(had?) some great friends. I'm a strong and independent person, yet I don't think I could make it on my own. Well.. it's not necessarily that I can't make it on my own.. more of the fact that I wouldn't want to. Though, I wouldn't mind it.. I just don't want to. If that makes any sense. Oh yeah, I ramble. :) Music is my life. I enjoy singing (though I'm not too great at it), and even though I love to perform (as in dancing), I'm terribly shy. Hey.. it's always the quiet ones you gotta watch out for, right?

I believe I'm at the point in my life where experimentation is okay.. I drink, I've tried smoking, I've even attempted drugs (and by drugs, I mean marijuana.. nothing too terrible. Hey, it's legal in Canada.... OKAY?!). I've never popped pills, never given myself shots, and never sniffed anything up my nose. I'm smarter than that. I don't want to ruin any chances I have of going somewhere with my life. I just want to have fun.

I had some pretty great friends. I had a bestfriend once.. he was a boy, and we got really close (as friends, and nothing more). But then, this girl who he's known since they were really little.. she's very posessive of him, and got extremely jealous. She decided that her main goal in life was to make everyone despise me. It worked for a lot of people. The rumors overflowed. The people I would've considered my closest friends even believed them.. and when they confronted me and I told them the truth.. they told me that I was in denial and they wanted nothing to do with me. I had to literally rebuild my life as I knew it from scratch. I'm not going to lie about it, I told people the truth about things that were true.. and told them the truth about things that weren't.

I do have one problem most people talked about (kind of).. but it wasn't for the world to know. And nobody even knew. It just happened to be something she created in her imagination that fit with the current situation. I do have some eating problems and weight issues. But that's nothing to attack a person for. Though I was being confronted about my apparent alcohol, drug, bi-curious, and sex issues. None of which were true. But hey.. you can't compete with a person's imagination. It's much too strong. And much too creative.

The friends I have now are amazing. The ones I still have from before the ordeal are even more amazing. I can literally count my true friends on one hand, as mom always said I'd be able to. And I love them to death. Without them.. I'd have lost my sanity for sure.

I even like a boy right now.. but there is one big problem. He's my friend's ex-boyfriend. It sucks, because it's one of the only times I've ever been happy.. but I don't know what to do. I don't think she'd mind, because she broke up with him AND it's been a while.. but I still don't know. I've yet to talk to her about it, because I'm afraid of her reaction. Though I suppose the longer I wait, the worse it will get. Or worse yet, she'll hear it from someone else. Eep. I guess I should talk to her.. but I'm still afraid. I don't want to lose another friend. I love her more than anything.. and she loves me.. so you'd think she'd understand. But.. I don't know. I just don't know. The only problem with this boy is that we don't really talk much.. like, sometimes we can get on a good discussion.. but other times it's just silence and filler conversation. I'm going to wait to talk to her until I know for sure that something good will come out of this. Because if I talk to her and she gets mad, then he's like "Just kidding, this isn't going to work." Then I'll have lost two people.. and what good would come of that? Nothing. I guess I'll just let things play themselves out.

But I have self-esteem issues, and sometimes think he's just using me to get back at her. I always think everyone and everything is out to get me. I don't necessarily push people out.. I just never let them in to begin with.

Ah, I'm all out of words for now.. And I'm almost positive that I'll never write this much again.. so until next time....


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