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[14 Dec 2009|03:55am] |
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Bathory - 13 Candles |
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i have this feeling that I'm going to disappear. i've been trying to fall asleep but then i would get all worked up over the thought of disappearing and I'd have to open my eyes just to make sure i was still in my room. the winter sure likes to work up my thoughts, at least i think it's partially winter related.
i feel like I might have inadvertently divorced myself from the world a month ago. i'm not really present in the presence of people anymore. I'm just sort of there and I say things to be somewhat entertaining or at least to not appear completely dead/gone, but I don't care about a thing I say. In fact, I don't even care much about entertaining. I'm not sure that I'm a social person anymore, that part of me may be (may be temporarily) buried.
What am I writing? Is this all pretense? To be honest, I'm not very sure anymore. I have never been very sure of anything and I just realized that most people around me are rather sure of things. It's true! I thought uncertainty was universal but apparently not. I mean, if you really grilled those "sure people" they would arrive at uncertainty but in general they seem confident in what they believe in. And upfront, I tend to believe in what they believe. Maybe that's why I'm disappearing...I have a feeling...
Why does no one seem to get that I always play devil's advocate with myself? Why do people take my debates that put me at fault as the "real me". Why don't they ever believe that I'm my other argument? I believe in both, yeah, and sometimes I believe in the latter more. Yeah, that's right, sometimes I do believe in the LATTER more. However, I still always believe in both. It drives me nuts that people always side with the negative argument. And why do I care? Because sometimes I'd like my friends to validate me, all of me, but they don't often. It drives me nuts. I don't know if their validation would stop me from disappearing but I sure think it would help. And the guilt aspect of all of this is that I don't have the gall to not care, to stand up to them or even just clarify. And why can't I clarify? Because whatever people tell me I believe in in that very moment they are talking to me, even if I'm the one who put forth the idea. You see, I only seem to REALLY function in hindsight... which is frustrating... my imagination.
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