So, this weekend offered a good look into my future, or atleast a look. On Friday I got an email from a lady back home that runs a public-school-owned coffee shop. I had talked about working there a bit and she let me know that she needed help on nights. This would be sweet! I would get to go and hang out with kids for a few hours and actually get paid. At this place there are tvs, computers and even games. In fact, I have been told that on occasions there are Halo tournaments at this place. So summer is looking just a little bit brighter just yet.

On Saturday, I got that chance to go to Carrabba's and much eating ensued. Melissa, Kirsten, Jon and I took the treck down to Carmel to get the delicious meal. Nobody had ever been, except me, and the plan was to listen to Copeland and The Juliana Theory while we were driving, but aparently it is hard to remember to grab cds. The next best music choice was Norah Jones(Disney music was also a choice, but Camarada ruined that one for us). We ended up waiting maybe our whole lives until I slapped the hostess and we were seated. I chose the Filet Marsalla, and as always, it was awesome. After the great evening I drove back to campus in record time...120mph the whole way back(or that's what Jon says).

Upon reaching my room, I proceeded to watch Pulp Fiction and then take my shower and head to bed. However, before I quite got there I got an im from a friend that was feeling a bit down. I went out on a walk to talk with her and I would have to say it was great because I wasn't really that close with her, but I feel that our relationship grew, if just a bit. On Sunday, another friend imed me out of the blue. I haven't talked to this girl in probably 2 years, so that was pretty cool. We talked a bit and I realized she only lives about an hour from Anderson. After both of these experiences, it just gave me more hope for next year that I will continue to rebuild friendships and make new friends in the process.

Now the crappy stuff...homework and nice weather. Now I am not saying nice weather is crappy, it's just crappy when you have homework...which is now. I have such a tough next few weeks that I titled my homework calendar "the long haul." It has been WONDERFUL outside and HORRIBLE inside. I would be really sad if I was doing homework and not coming back, but I guess that isn't the case, so it just sucks. Anyways, time for class.

I have decided to stay at Anderson and already it is looking positive. Next year I will return to school to work on the Student Government serving as Secretary of Student Development. In this position I will work closely with the social clubs on campus. This is exciting because I love what the social clubs offer. I joined one this year and it has been a great experience to meet new guys and stay involved outside of the dorms. I hear similar stories from others and I am hoping to help next year be as good for social clubs as this year was to me. Anyways, I have been kind of sad about my decision. This was going to happen regardless, as I love my friends in both areas. I would like to be close to home at times, but this year seems to offer me a lot to look forward to, and as a friend pointed out, God will provide for me in the areas I was running from. My friends back home have been the best friends I have ever known, and even though I am not going back, I know that they will still always be there for me and it will be amazing when I go home. Well, enough of my ranting, here is a song by copeland that I quite like(after all, it IS Copeland).

Coffee

there's plenty of time left tonight,
i promised i'd have you home before daylight.
we do the best we can in a small town;
act like big city kids when the sun goes down.

if it's not too late for coffee,
i'll be at your place in ten.
we'll hit that all-night diner
and then we'll see.

there's so many things i have to say,
i'll stay up all night to hear about your day.
we do the best we can in a small town;
act like kids in love when the sun goes down.

if it's not too late for coffee,
i'll be at your place in ten.
we'll hit that all-night diner
and then we'll see.

there's a love that transcends
all that we've known of ourselves,
and i'll wait for it to come,
i'll wait for it to come.
well, it's got to be strong to touch my heart
through its shell,
and i'll wait for it to come,
i'll wait for it to come.

if it's not too late for coffee,
i'll be at your place in ten.
we'll hit that all-night diner
and then we'll see.

there's a love that transcends
all that we've known of ourselves,
and i'll wait for it to come,
i'll wait for it to come.
well, it's got to be strong to touch my heart
through its shell,
and i'll wait for it to come,
i'll wait for it to come down.

Well, I don't have time for lists now. It is 8:40. I have to decide tonight, for the most part, the fate of my college career. I don't know STILL if I am going to AU next fall or OU. It should be apparent, because of all the great friends I have made in the past few weeks. It just seems so weird because the friend issue was a reason I considered leaving. So many emotions in this decision...and just a few hours. I should have a pretty clear picture now, it just seems like I want to please people and let nobody down. Not like if I go to AU it will make people happy or what not, I just don't want to pack up and leave my friends so easily. I think the reason this decision is so hard is because I had a LOT of great friends in Oklahoma and I just haven't found the group of guys up here I can relate with in the same way. I know I may be comparing friends, it just makes it hard when I have the memory of my close friendships back home. That is not to say I would be going to OU to pursue those once again, just that I haven't found that closeness here. I will say, however, that I have found some pretty good friends lately, and thus the confusion and emotions. I guess I am going to think about it more but I will keep you, the journal and readers, informed. I guess it is safe to say I will know by tomorrow what my plans are for the next few years(creapy thought). Peace

Before I get started with this I will let you know that I have gone list crazy. I made this one throughout the day yesterday and then began work on a top 50 bands list already. It seems like a good way to pass time and I learn a lot in the process. This list is a list of my friends. I will admit, you may be reading and aren't on the list, but I haven't looked through year books or anything like that...just memory. If you think you belong on the list (chances are if you are reading this, you probably do) just send me a message saying how bad you hate me for leaving you off the list. Also, if I misspelled your name let me know so I can change it, as I also have a hard copy for future reference. Anyways, here it is...

My friends:

Aubry, Cody
Azzarello, Vince
Bailey, Sara
Bastin, Adam
Benson, McShaw
Best, Nick
Boevers, Karen
Bodine, Carol
Boyd, Jesse
Bradley, Sasha
Bradley, Taylor
Camp, Catherine
Carnes, David
Childs, Joel
Christ, Ryann
Cole, Cyle
Collins, Ben
Cooksy, Stephen
Coyle, Abby
Davey, Josh
Davis, Barrett
Deardorff, Nate
Dewalt, Ryan
Diller, Katie
Douglass, Matthew
Downing, Doug
Ediger, Angie
Ediger, Jared
Farmer, Bubba
Fenrick, Amy
Fenrick, Andrew
Fenrick, Jim (Dad)
Fenrick, Laurie (Mom)
Fredrich, Fletcher
Gale, Andrew
Graham, Jeremy
Green, Derek
Green, Joe
Greenlee, Jeremy
Haman, Derek
Hader, Scott
Henry, Bracken
Higgins, Jarod
Hunt, Chris
Hunt, Kyle
Icard, Tim
Jourdain, Jess
Kardatzke, Matthew
Kelleher, Adam
Kendall, Brian
Kendall, Ley
Kline, Josh
Kuhnle, Jason
Lloyd, Chris
Lyman, Whitney
Mahler, Scott
Malik, Ambar
Mathis, Ann (Granny)
McAvoy, Jennifer
McGinty, Zach
Mercer, Lindsay
Merril, Andrew
Meyer, Cara
Meyer, Seth
Miller, Nick
Nelson, Jon
Norman, Becky
Norman, Emily
Patrie, Phil
Peters, Abby
Purton, Nicole
Schumerth, Chris
Shofner, Jared
Sidey, Mac
Sidiqi, Akbar
Sidiqi, Rasheed
Simpson, Robert
Smith, Andy
Smith, Craig
Smith, Trevor
Smith, Tyler
Sprock, Andrew
Sprock, Melissa
Stark, Angela
Talhelm, Mike
Tandy, Josh
Tester, David
Thiele, Kara
Thomas, Joe
Toussaint, Danielle
Trease, Jon
Trousdale, Tamra
Tseter, Andy
Tseter, Ben
Turner, Dathan
Votaw, Brian
Wasielewski, Dan
Wilkerson, Melissa
Williams, Jesse
Winfrey, Nathan
Winfrey, Ryan
Wolff, Zac
Wynn, Andy
Young, Royce
Zerkle, Jeremy
Zerkle, Justin

This is an idea I took from my friend Dan Wasieleski. He used to make lists of all sorts, I thought it would be fun to try and I think I will make some more. Recommended for trying at home.

Things I like...


(405) 412-0178
3D graphics
4th floor Smith
19" LCD monitors
712 Hamlet Lane
A girl with a big smile
A&W Rootbeer
A&W Cream Soda
Age of Mythology
Air conditioning
Albertson's bread
Amazon.com
American Eagle jeans
Apple Cider
Arrested Development
Art
Axis & Allies
Ball point pins
Band of Brothers
Barbeque ribs
Ben Folds
Best Buy
Bible
Brad Pitt
Bradley's, The
Brett Detar
Brick houses
Brown sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts
C.S. Lewis
Cake with my sister's 7 minute icing
Call of Duty
Camp Anytown
Capt Des (the fact it doesn't seem weird)
Carmellows
Carrabba's
Church
Cigars
Cold Steel TiLite
Coldplay
College football
Comfortable slacks
Computers
Copeland
Dad's dry humor and corny jokes
Dad's laugh
Daily Show, The
Diesel shoes
Driving at night
DVDs
e-mail
Edward Norton
Feather pillows
Fight Club
Fillet Marsalla
First half of Christmas break
Fist of Legend
Freaks and Geeks
Friends
Greek warfare
Halo 1&2
Henry Weinhard's Vanilla Cream
History
iTunes
Jesus
Juliana Theory
Kettle Corn
Kill Bill
Kramer
Lamps
LAN parties with the guys
Leadership
Logitech z-680s
Long conversations
Long hair (having it; girls with it)
Long naps
Lord of the Rings, The
LP
McDonald's Coke
Ministry
Mom and Dad
Mom's love for reading xanga...and telling everyone about it
Mom's scream during a game of "spoons"
Money
Movies
My bed
Oklahoma
Paintball
Pancakes
Paul, John, Ringo, and George
PC Club
Physics
Piano in rock music
Playing xbox with my brother-in-law, even when my sister gets mad
Poetry
Polo shirts
Pop bottle rockets
Rainbow sandals
Ralph Lauren Romance Silver cologne
S'mores
Sad Pony
Sausage balls
Sexy Results (Hot Caramel Apple Cider)
Siblings
Sledding
Snow skiing
Spaghetti
Spy missions
Soft carpet under bare feet
Soft t-shirts
Sooners
Star Wars
Starbucks
Stephen Spielberg movies
Subway
Summer softball games
Sun, the
Swimming
Taco7
Ted's Mexican Restaurant
Thunderstorms
Toast with strawberry jelly
Tornadoe season
U2
Vanilla Dr Pepper
Wal-Mart
Wendy's
Wes Anderson movies
Wind
xbox
xbox controller s
Yukon
Yosa
Zach McGinty (saying the name)
Zach McGinty (person)
Zach McGinty's hair
Zelda
Zios

Not my own words, but from a song instead. Just an encouraging bit of lyrics from Bright Eyes.

The rain it started tappin'
On the window near my bed
There was a loophole in my dreamin'
So I got out of it
And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open
Just my nightstand and my dresser
Where those nightmares had just been

So I dressed myself and left then
Out into the gray streets
But everything seemed different
And completely new to me
The sky the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body
And each person I encountered
I couldn't wait to meet

And I came upon a doctor
Who appeared in quite poor health
I said there's nothing that I can do for you you can't do for yourself
He said oh yes you can, just hold my hand, I think that that would help
So I sat with him awhile
Then I asked him how he felt

He said I think I'm cured
No, in fact, I'm sure of it
Thank you, stranger
For your therapeutic smile

So that's how I learned the lesson
That everyone's alone
And your eyes must do some raining
If you're ever gonna grow
And when crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope

That's why I'm singing baby don't worry
'Cause now I got your back
And every time you feel like crying
I'm gonna try and make you laugh
And if I can't
If it just hurts too bad
Then we'll wait for it to pass
And I will keep you company for those days so long and black

And we'll keep working on the problem
We know we'll never solve
Of love's uneven remainders
Our lives are fractions of a whole
But if the world could remain within a frame
Like a painting on a wall
Then I think we'd see the beauty then
We'd stand staring in awe

At our still lives posed
Like a bowl of oranges
Like a story told
By the fault-lines and the soil

I finished studying for tomorrow's history test at about 250am. At this time i also decided I wanted to start writing poetry. So I sat down and wrote down my first poem(yeah, yeah...I did occasionally write some poems for class, but they don't count). It sucks. But the fact is, I started and when I get it all figured out I will start posting some of that action. But anyways, it is 320 now and I have a test tomorrow.

I guess once a month or every few months would be ample to record. Either way, a lot has changed since last I wrote.

Coming back to school this semester has been a huge pain. Over the break I saw SO many friends and just got to hang out with friends and play games all day(does it really get any better?). So I came back, the wrong way might I add, with a pretty nostalgic attitude. To date I have done about 3 minutes of homework and about a billion minutes of anything else. But I guess that is not really why I am writing, I guess I don't even know why, but a new subject nonetheless.

RA applications were do last week and I didn't even try to do it. I was going to atleast going to fill out the form, and now I am left wondering if I should have filled out the form(oddly, I was going to fill out the form IF I so changed my mind). But, I guess I am ready to move on, though I sure will miss it and the guys I get to work with. Not like it is time for goodbyes, but just being in the second semester I sort of get some site of the end and it is sad for me to think of a time when I don't get to hang out with the 10 other guys I admire and enjoy so much to be with. But enough of that for now, I mean it's not like they are leaving for good, atleast they will still be local.

So, I think I might like girls again. Well, I actually never really stopped liking girls I guess, just kinda put "get a girlfriend by May" off of my list of things to do this semester. However, I always realize that when I say I want a girlfriend I really am only saying it and will never take action. Not to mention she could possibly cut into Halo time and my "homework time" I talked so much about earlier. Not to mention the fact that every time I like a girl she likes someone else...I am NOT kidding, this happens EVERY time...Oh, or I find out that a girl USED to like me but it's too late. I guess Joe and a few other guys know that I only stand chance with a girl that is 14, judging by the looks I got at Old Navy.

Well cool cats, I'm out. Maybe I will write sooner, but I think I always say that so count on forever.

Well, I haven't posted in about 5 weeks. That is a while if you are wondering. The fuel behind this one is just to get out some emotion I have felt the past week as I learned the day I got back from Thanksgiving that my good friend Annie Carter had passed away due to a horrible car accident. I am Jack's broken heart.

Annie was a girl I met on the night of the Freshman talent show this year. Of course, I am a sophomore so I had to sneak in. Everyone was sitting with their assigned "new student" groups. I found an open seat and as I looked to see who I was sitting next to was this cute little Korean girl. "Hmmm, this is weird I know nobody, they are all new. I am just going to be quiet and watch this show." WRONG! This young lady next to me introduces herself and I the same. But really, what can you talk about if you have to whisper everything and have never met. The answer: Music, namely Copeland. So we began talking about all of our favorite songs and writing down other bands we loved. This is how I met Annie Carter.

The semester progressed and because Annie lived on the other side of campus and I was busy, I didn't see her much. Sure, it didn't seem like a HUGE deal at the time. "We'll have more time later to hang out" I thought to myself. And then suddenly Annie was taken from us. I wish so much now that I would have spent more time with her because now I do not get a chance. She was so smart and funny and just a blast to be around (did I mention she loved Copeland?).

So here I am after all this. I realized tonight that I knew an amazing girl, but I didn't try hard enough to be as close to her as I could have been. Though I did get to know her, I feel I could have been so much closer and I would have been a better person for it. I am deciding tonight to work harder at all of my friendships and not just go with the attitude of "We can talk later." I will, from now on, be a better friend. Too often I have let papers I don't even care about come before friends that I love and care about so much.


There's an angel by your hospital bed
Desperate to hear his name on your breath
As he looks down, you're not making a sound
Open your eyes and look at me
I'll bring to you whatever you need
I'll tell you I'm sorry
That I can't take this pain away from you
I'd put it on my own body
If I knew how to, can't you see?

I've gotta bust you out of here somehow
I've never seen your heart this tired
I've never seen your spirit held down

I know that you say,
"This is what you get for being a bad child"
But I know this will be your reward
In just a little while

It's testing the strong ones
It's scarring the beautiful ones
It's holding the loved ones one last time
--Copeland

Not really "journal" material, but today I began thinking about a new idea. This idea was partially fueled by the work of my friend Dan Wasielewski. His idea was that you can never be in the process of finding something. The reasoning went something like this. If you are looking for something and you find it, you found something. But you cannot be "finding" something because if it is not found you weren't "finding" anything. That is in a very small nutshell, some might say a pestachio.

My idea was something probably more simple. It started with a definition by my professor and what he said was not what I thought he would say. What I thought he would say has now become MY thought. It was about not being able to get from here to there. I have decided that you cannot get there from here. Now you can go from point A to point B, those are constants, but to get from here to there will not work. Once you arrive at your destination you are here, not there. There only exists from here, but doesn't really even exist if you follow my logic.

I don't know if you will agree with me, and quite "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." I think I am aloud to use that in a quote. Anyways, this may not even be too original, it wasn't very tough to come up with. I just liked it because it seemed kind of unique. Have a good day and I will write back shortly.

It has been a while since I last wrote. I had a chance to visit my motherland last week, and let me tell you, it was awesome. I really miss hanging out with my family and Oklahoma friends. The sadest part was the amount of time I did get to see everyone. It was so fast and I didn't even get to see alot of my good friends. I guess I will just have to wait until Thanksgiving.

Getting back to school is really horrible. I had an easy week last week before my trip. I got to play alot of Halo and not worry so much about homework, but it seems that won't be the case this week. It is nice to see my guys, but the school part of going to school is starting to get completely horrible. I can't even focus in my classes(namely the one I am in right now).

Anyways, I will try to update this little journal more when I am not so down about school. Have a great day.

Well, time to sit back down and do some writing. Since I wrote, a lot has happened.

One thing that happened since last week was the routing of our team in the Smith Olympics. We took first in only three categories: belly flop, speed eating(2 glasses of water and 10 burgers in fastest time), and Halo. We may have only taken first in three events, but atleast they were the ones that required the most skill and held the most prestige. All joking aside, our floor really grew closer. We all got a chance to meet the boys on the other side of the crotch(the crotch is the middle of the hall, closed in by a door on each side). We were already set to take last place, and while many other floors would simply not show up to events that made no difference, our boys rallied. We simply took the most easily influenced and attention thirsty guy, shaved him up a mullet, and let him take on 15 strong guys Han Solo style. Needless to say, he, along with the floor, lost. We did, however, have a blast seeing our little redneck replica duke it out with some guys so determined to win the thing. Don't forget, champions pay the price.

The week progressed and the weekend fell. I was excited about it, but when classes finished on Friday, I realized I had no plans. Crap! I went to a worship gathering on Friday night with many of my "boyz", the posse that is 4th floor Smith (I take partial ownership). After such an event, there was only one thing left to do, EAT STEAK. Yeah, for the first time in 3 months I set my teeth in 8 oz. of USDA approved angus, grilled to perfection.

Saturday morning I woke up and immediately began watching the Oklahoma game. Me and Andrew had a little party in our room with two other Okies and whoever else that felt compelled to watch Texas get p0wn3d (inside joke)! The game finished in a fashion I enjoyed, Oklahoma won. Now what, I realized very soon that my only plan for Saturday, the game, ended at 2:30. I spent the entire afternoon watching games I hardly cared about, but a few were pretty decent. After the afternoon where I did "nothing," as my brother would say, we had Fall Festival. Now, I don't know where you live, but if you are in Indiana and go to a small Christian college, it is the best thing to do. Forget your state school parties, we have a hay ride. That's right, a hay ride. Not to mention a really good, and funny, bluegrass band, a pit fire, and many beautiful girls. It was all going well until I finally got on the hay ride and the tire burst 3 minutes into the ride. I was later told that I was the cause. Crazy what a buck 40 does these days.

Sunday came, Sunday passed.

Monday, Monday, can't help that day. I did some hardcore thinking in my philosophy class. Something on the issue of love. Can love be shown, or only perceived? What you do may be trying to show love, but does it matter if it isn't perceived that way? Why do we love people even if they don't love us? DEEP!

Classes finished up and my star football career started up, as it often does between four and five. Our intramural team advanced today to the semi-finals. We went on celebrating our victory, as we know the next team in our path SMOKED us in the regular season. We will see if we are the intramural Cinderella team, or if there can even be a Cinderella in a scrub league where there are no fans to follow our success.

The day ended with the typical Monday night RA meeting. We were taken out to eat by Nick (our very cool boss/friend). Some laughs were shared and I arrived here at this keyboard after a few short of great humor. I love the guys I work with, and the guys that I work for. This is a great job, and I wish everybody could experience this job.

Anyways, I must retire for the night.

One last note: Buckle up Oklahoma, I will be home in 10 days.

Last night my brother told me that a very great friend of ours' dad had just commited suicide.

"We have just lost cabin pressure."

This hit me so hard. I never have known anyone well that has commited suicide, or even died I guess. How would I handle the suicide of the man that raised me, a man I loved SO much? How would I be the man of the house to three siblings who looked up to our father so much, and now I am the man of the house? It is haunting my thoughts just to think about it.

Today I spent the entire day thinking about these things. Never in my life have I felt so hurt, and I am not the one directly involved. I have not had to deal with with death, especially suicide. I don't know how to respond. I am not there, I don't know how things evolve, but it just hurts to think of the pain my good friend and his family are going through. Today I got a chance to pray for the suffering this family was going through and it actually was for their pain. So often I pray for the families but I just don't feel the pain, or care enough to think about the pain, the family is actually suffering.

Today I was thinking about the subject of suicide and I realized that I have a hope that some people just don't see. This is an eye opener for me. Maybe I do not share this hope enough and possibly am leading people into a valley of hopelessness. From now on I must be more aware of the hope I carry and must share this hope with all the others I am around. I read Job 4:3-4 about my influence: "3 You yourself have done this plenty of times, spoken words that clarify, encouraged those who were about to quit. 4 Your words have put stumbling people on their feet, put fresh hope in people about to collapse."

I just want to say that I love you all and miss everyone I do not come in contact with every day. Tell your parents you love them and keep my friends family in your prayers.

I am Jack's cold sweat.

So, it's been a few days since I updated this. I got a chance to do absolutely nothing this weekend except play Halo. It was horrible. There can't be a worse thing than being in a Halo tournament when you just wanna be outside doing something but you are trapped by the TV all day and night. One cool thing, however, was getting to see the Oklahoma vs. Texas Tech game on Saturday. I got to hang out with another Adam from Oklahoma and it was really nice cause he seems like a cool guy.

Last night we started the Smith Hall Olympics. For all of you that don't know what this is, let me inform you. Imagine a dorm full of competitive guys called to compete in almost anything. Each floor of my dorm gets to play each other in all sorts of things. When I say all sorts of things I mean anything. We compete in card games, poetry, music, staring contest, belly flops, water polo, lawn bowling, track, dodge ball, weightlifting, Jenga, and the list goes on. It is such a sweet week and all my guys are starting to bond with with the 24 guys on the other end of the floor.

I hope to hear from anyone that reads this, but I am crunching deadline as I just found my last judge for the poetry, music, and speech contests I am overseeing tonight. I still have to finish the judging cards and have everything ready so I can play Trivial Pursuit with my floor at 7. Love you guys.

Today I had a chance to meet with "The Boss," Nick Best. It is always a good time to sit down and do our individual meeting, though today our conversation was rattled with banter from Andrew. He so kindly informed me that I had to meet with HIS boss (who is annoyed with me, might I add). So I scheduled the appointment and await that meeting today at 3:30.

Today is the first day in a long time where I actually don't feel stressed. I gave a speech today that gave me a great deal of anxiety due to my lack of preparation. I got through it and all is well. I spent the whole weekend working on homework or busy with other matters that put that homework off. For instance, Sunday was spent reading 160 pages (100 from one book, 60 from the next). Not only did I do all this reading, but I had to lead a book study on the 60 pages I read, and then return home to write a paper on my 100 page source. All this knowing that the next day I would spend 2 hours in a staff meeting and would still have to write a speech on top of that. Did I mention that I am dealing with other issues that are non-school related? Well today is nice. I am all caught up today and just feel relieved to have this all out of the way. The weather is beautiful, cool and cloudy, we have a flag football game at four, the whole evening to sit back and relax (now I relax alot but in the back of my mind I am stressed due to procrastination), and to top the whole thing off we have a floor meeting to talk about our Smith Olympics.

I am still down about my relationships, but maybe today is the day I can start to get things straightened out. I can actually see prayer working in this one. I was so worried on what to do and I have had some leaders and friends of mine praying for me, it is wonderful to have them in my life.

Another reason today is nice is because I got an email from my Mom. I don't know why this is so awesome, emails are emails, but I miss my family back home so it was nice to hear from her. I am afraid that too often when I talk to her I seem bitter and angry, so it is nice to be reconfirmed of her great care and love for me (I never doubted, I just get down sometimes). She stated in her email that I would be going home with my brother next month for fall break which is great news to me. Dad and she talked about coming to the magnificent state of Indiana, but we convinced them that we would rather spend our time together in the Sooner State.

So, I haven't updated this thing in a really long time, and before I would seldom update anyways. I used to write almost events of my day, but not how I felt. I have been doing alot of journaling in my philosophy class and this has taught me to write about how I feel. About what I hear said and what it MEANS to me. So here goes.

As most people know, well everyone that reads this anyways, I have been in school for a few months. This year I took the job as RA. This is an amazing role for me as a spiritual leader and friend on the floor. It is overwhelming, however, to realize that so many people are watching me. I have been reading Seizing The Divine Moment, by Erwin McManus, a book I would recommend to all. Though it is a little jumpy, it does say alot of things about living for God by seizing your divine moment. As I read yesterday, the topic was influence. Now, I haven't picked up this book in a few months, but this topic hit me at the right time because of my great influence on my floor and to others.

On the topic of influence. Well, this one is fairly complicated for me. I have been thinking about my sphere of influence and I have realized that my sphere is so huge. This can be a good thing, but right now the sheer size of the sphere is eating at me. I feel like people can trust me and see that I care, but sometimes I feel like I am needed so much. This is a terrible way to look at things, but right now it is killing me that so many people need me. This is not the Christian example, but my feelings nonetheless. It seems like right now atleast 4 parties, minus my floor, have asked for my advice and ear, but I am so busy trying to be that person to the guys on my floor. I can't find the balance. I want to be there for other people, but I am just so overwhelmed with the responsability.

Another thing I have had some serious troubles with is keeping my relationships together with those I am not schooling with. I get so caught up in who I see NOW and I put so little emphasis for all those that care about me at home. I think I do this because I can get by without talking all this time and I feel others should operate this way, but that is not how it works. I mean, I seldom talk to my parents and sisters, how can someone I am friends with expect me to talk with them more? This is not to say I don't care for my friends and family, I just guess I operate much differently. I also feel like in a lot of my relationships I am the one making contact and that is overbearing at times, if someone wants to talk to me JUST CALL!

So I reach my conclusion. Well, for starters, I am definately not proud of myself. I am so selfish and inconsiderate of others feelings. When Jesus is asked what the most important commandment was he stated two. I pull this from Matthew 22:37-39 in The Message: "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and inteligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.'" Well, that hits like a pound of bricks. The two MOST IMPORTANT, the two GREATEST commandments are concerned with relationships, and one is the relationship with others. A love for God and others, that is how we should live. I feel as though I love others, but do I really? I do love others, but why am I so concerned with keeping my time. Granted I give so much of my time to my floor, but where do I find balance with my non-floor relationships? I guess this is just where I am right now, and hopefully the realization that I am not doing some things right will help me settle this inquiry.