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|Tuesday, November 15th, 2011|
Can't delete you Blurty
I've started a new blog on google and was going to combine my blurty with my other dream journal. After looking at my posts I really don't want to transfer them and at the same time I don't want to delete them either. Too many bad memories, but useful as a learning tool all the same. I'm not sure that i will even be checking back here too often either...
|Thursday, September 15th, 2011|
Have to get this out....
If i don't get this rant out of me soon I'm going to blow up!
You have lied to me
You have used me
You have taken me for granite
You mistaken my love for stupidity
I AM NOT THE SAME WOMAN I WAS A YEAR AGO!
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON....
Can't believe the nerve of some freaking people, just saying:
I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS A YEAR AGO.
|Friday, February 4th, 2011|
Can't shake this feeling of Unrest. Been this way for a good few weeks now. I can't seem to get a satisfied feeling about anything right now. I leave for work every morning feeling like I'm forgetting something, I mean something really important, I hate that. I sit at work and feel totally annoyed. I go home and can't settle myself. I'm missing someone very important in my life right now and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Popping CD's in the car left and right this morning trying to find something that got to me, but nothing. Not even Zeppelin, and that's strange. Blah blah blah blah that's all I hear from people. I need to find something to pull me out of this funk. I think my Friday night is going to be spent with a pint of Captain Morgan, a joint, and Son's of Anarchy season #2. Wow, how exciting. With any luck I'll fall asleep and stay asleep.
|Wednesday, January 19th, 2011|
As a child I spend many weekends with my aunts and grandmother and in 1991 when grandmom died the whole family split apart, there were no more holiday get togethers, nothing, but unlisted telephone numbers and bitter feelings. there were bickering over material things, and hurt feelings from issues past. What a shame it is that family does this to one another. The other night we received a call from one of my aunts saying she has been concerned about my moms well-being since some cards she send had been returned to her. See she would send Christmas cards back and forth, but not once would she contact me to see how i am. Hell, she's never even seen my 12 year old, that hurts. i explained to her that mom has lived with me for the past 2 years. my mom spoke to her on the phone and expelled lock-up feelings she had been holding for years and years, and then they caught each other up on this and that of everything. I told my aunt that it's never too late to reconnect with your family. Why does it seem that people wind up hurting the ones closest to them like this?
|Wednesday, January 5th, 2011|
having a change of heart, maybe
A change of heart about you blurty- I was thinking of leaving you, but.... I think i'll stay a while. Slow days at work leave me no choice anyway..lol. I was reading over my past entries and wow have things changed, quit a bit, and there's lots of crap that hasn't been told. The "him" i spoke of is gone, and actually been in jail for the last year, that's what happens when you go ape shit and destroy someones house, and garage windows, and porch rails and i could go on and go, but- i hoped he would rot there, but he has been released, and most likely living with his sister. wow- to be 43 yrs old and nothing to show for it except a criminal record. i talk bad about him, but i must keep my self in check and remember that it was me who allowed myself to be tortured by his presence for the year that i did. well, better things have come to me and my family now.
what is up with the freaking ugg boots replying to post i made eons ago. what the hell people???? I think i will still come here, if only to dump out rotten nightmares and bitch sessions. you know just to get them out of my head, but really........
|Friday, November 6th, 2009|
Feeling sad for all the abused children in the world. One of my friends sent me a video of baby Patrick - his abuse and dealth happened back in 07 I think it was. I could barely swallow, I wanted to cry. We all know that abuse happens every day all over the world, and I have to admit that I would rather not hear about it, or know about it because I feel helpless. What is the average person supposed to do when government and local authorities turn a blind eye to it. I am thinking of the Serenity prayer today because I feel very small. Very helpless. I don't understand why these things have to happen. There are so many people who would do anything to have a child, but can't. Then there are these monsters that abuse and allow their children to be abused, sometimes to death. Monsters, animals, it just doesn't seem human to treat the innocent like they do. Current Mood: sad
|Thursday, October 29th, 2009|
Turning the clocks back this weekend. Means I will be driving home in the dark. Winter is a little depressing...everything is dead, and I don't like the cold, at all. Makes me moody.
Had a weird dream last night about my ex. Why... it's not like I ever sit around and think about him. It was an awfull break-up. Not to mention living with his addiction - not an era that I want to remember. There were good times and I held on so long because of the person he was underneath his addiction. I just can't get the thought out of my head....the way his eyes looked in the dream. Strange. I wonder what it all means. My dreams have always been odd. As a child I had horrible nightmares and still do. I find it unusual when I hear people say that they never dream. Really they just don't remember their dreams.
|Monday, October 19th, 2009|
It's been a good while...been busy. Hours have picked up at work. Still no health insurance, not sure if we'll ever get that back. Feeling like I am suffocating from time to time. Feeling used, neglected, and taken for granite. Wah, wah, wah. Things could always be worse...I know. Just so frickin tired of the day to day. I need a change, not sure of what good it will do me, but I need something....not even sure exactly what I want it to be.
The 20th high school reunion came and went....I didn't go. Old friends from school are great to keep in touch with but.....they don't really know me, most all of them are long distant relationships, maybe that is the way I like it, maybe it feels safer to me.....am feeling a little unsettled about missing the reunion, feeling that it would have done me some good if I would have went.
My oldest is going through some sort of delusion that she can just pick up and do whatever she wants regardless of the decisions she's made to me a mother....it breaks my heart to see her hurting and feeling the way she does, but damn it - when you make decisions that change your life, you can't turn around and decide that you just aren't happy anymore.
Why is it that some people seem to think that if they get drunk, pop pills and run around doing whatever that somehow their problems are going to just go away or find ways to solve themselves? " It makes us forget our problems, at least for a little while" Hello.....those problems are still going to be there when you sober up, and then what....now you have even less time to deal with them.
|Monday, June 15th, 2009|
Feeling jealous of the women that get to stay home and do things like take care of the house and plan dinners and do laundry and yard work. Not stressing over bills and money all the time. Maybe it would be nice to have a man take care of me for a change. Current Mood: drained
The weekend went by too quickly, like it usually does. We're having great weather here, the rain has been holding off untill the evenings and that is just what the garden likes. The pool was wonderful, especially when I almost fell asleep floating around. The gentle rocking and slight breeze was very relaxing.
I have not heard from the older children, so that has to mean that nothing is wrong and no one needs anything. Current Mood: calm
|Friday, June 12th, 2009|
|Feeling a little low
As if a loss in hours at work and loosing my health insurance wasn't enough, I receive an invitation to the 20th high school reuinion. Oh, please don't remind me that I'm getting older. I don't even cover the grays anymore, I figure well, possibly it might look like highlights of some kind, yeah right.
Why is it that kids seem to only call when something is wrong, or they need something, like money? I need money myself, who doesn't these days! I am seriously considering delivering newspapers or something at night, that would really help my stress factor I'm sure. I don't feel like I get enough sleep these days as it is. Somebody is always wanting or needing something. I need things too! I'm feeling brain dead right now. I could just stare out into space for hours and be real content with it. I'll leave work, to race home and try to find some solace. Oh wait, that's the biggest place where everybody wants something from me. Maybe I'll run away, far far away. Does any one ever stop to think that I might need someone to listen to me for a change. Honestly, it's like sometimes I'll start talking about my day, or anything, and it doesn't matter, it's like I'm invisable. They just start flapping their lips about them, them, them. Or the best has to be when I am asked a question about something, and in the middle of my response the person either walks away or starts talking about something else, or to someone else. What the hell?!?! Oh, and heaven forbid I say something that someone doesn't want to hear, you would've thought the world was falling off of its axis. Really, if your going to go around saying whatever thought happens to fly threw your mind at any given moment, then at least be prepared to take it when someone else does it. Is that asking too much? What about people that are grumpy just because it's raining, or they are bored, or depressed, or whatever else it could be. I mean really, come on that kind of attitude does make the people around you start to feel depressed themselves. It's hard to keep a happy face on when the people around you are dragging themselves around like they are mad at the world. Then get upset at me when I ask them whats wrong. Go figure. I'll get a response something like - I didn't do anything, I'm not mad about anything. Why is everybody on my ass all the time. I'm sick of this shit.
Why is it that some people think I have this endless supply of money stashed up my ass or something. I wish I did because I'd dig some out right now and shove it in their face and tell them to buy themselves something nice, here you go have a good time. Oh, and don't bother ever trying to help me out because I'm not holding my breath or anything, just take forever to get it back to me, that's just fine. Someone told me once, don't ever loan anyone money with the thought that your going to get it back, because you most likely won't. I know this to be true. I have feelings too, has everyone forgotten that. Hey, I'm a real person here. I'm alive. I have feelings and needs too!
Uhhhhhhhh!! Current Mood: annoyed
|Tuesday, June 9th, 2009|
I have reconnected with my father. He called yesterday after receiving a letter I sent him. Trying to shorten a long story - my parents split when I was very young. Mom remarried, so did Dad. There was no contact between us untill I contacted him back in 91, we wrote and saw each other for a while, then I moved around more than a few times. Got mixed up in more than a couple bad relationships and lost contact. I thought of him so much over the years, even writting letters that I never sent because I kept thinking that he would be mad or hurt that I lost contact with him. I got the courage to write him and he called last night. I was scared when he called, I'm not sure why, I just was. He sounds different, I guess that comes with age. He has some health issued but that also comes with age. I am just so relieved that my letter reached him, and basically he is okay. I had a sick feeling that something wasn't right. I'm off to find some pictures to send. Current Mood: content
|Thursday, May 28th, 2009|
Happy Birthday Grammom
Today would've been my Grammom's birthday. Hannah died in 1991. I was pregnant with my second daughter. She never got to see her or my youngest. She meant so much to me. The times spent with her will always be with me.
I love you
I miss you
|Wednesday, May 27th, 2009|
My Watercolor Test
You Are Highly Inspiring
You believe that your life has a higher purpose, and you do all you can to achieve it.
You are wise, and a lot of your wisdom comes from self discipline.
You try to live as moderately and modestly as possible.
You make room for rational, small indulgences... while living as ethically as you can.
I hope everyones holiday was a good one. I am glad to be back to work. Too many visitors and neighbors stopping by. I have brain overload. Our pool looks wonderful. The kids and neighbors were in, but it hasn't really been warm enough for me yet. I like it hot, everything from food to weather, and everything in between. Hasn't been a lot going on really, as what I like to call the calm before the storm. You know that feeling when everything seems to be going just a little bit too calmly. I was reading tescovee's entry on his escape, and oh how I would love to just throw some clothes in a bag jump in the car and just drive untill I saw something interesting to get into. I would say the hell with work, family, all of it, and don't even try to call my cell cause I just threw it out the window. Brings me to the thought of people getting upset because you don't answer your cell, or it was off, or the battery died. I mean what did people do before cell phones? No one had cells when I was younger. Hell, we didn't even have a vcr untill I was in highschool. I can't wait to get to the beach. I am so hoping that we'll be able to go this summer. I haven't been in so long. Well, my youngest is 11 and she's never been. That's a long time. I want to feel sand between my toes, hot sand! I want to smell suntan lotion and salty air. I remember being a little girl, growing up in Georgia, we would go to the beaches all the time, they are everywhere, just a short drive to jacksonville, and much better than Md. All we have here is Ocean City, wow.
|Friday, April 17th, 2009|
|Happy Friday Everybody!!!
The rain has finally left, at least for a couple of days. We will have temps in the 60's and 70's for a few days. I want to get outside, breath some fresh air. The rain actually makes me feel blue, really blue. It's really a noticable difference in my mood when the sun is out. Not sure if that makes any sense to anyone, but I've really taken a notice to it lately. Maybe if I ever get rich I should move to an island or something. Speaking of summer, I have got to get my pool in shape. I left it is such an awfull condition last fall. So many things were happening one right after the other last summer that I let it go and had to close it up with a nice green color to it. I really can't afford to have new water delivered, so I will try some major chemicals and hope for the best. Current Mood: hopeful
|Thursday, April 16th, 2009|
It's been a month since I've been here. I have missed it! So much has been happening, we have moved our office. Work has picked up a little. Feeling exhausted, but otherwise fairly well. I had a physical and found out my cholesterol is a little high. Wow, not surprised since who has the money or the time to eat a perfect diet these days. That sounded like an excuse I know. She also talked me into taking and anti-anxiety med. She's hoping it helps with my stomach problems as well. I take it twice a day, the evening dose is fine, but that morning one makes me feel stupid. dizzy, sick, weird, even if I take it with food. I swear meds are sometimes not worth the trouble. I hope everyone is doing well. I am so enjoying the spring sunshine. We just had 3 solid days of rain. Current Mood: cheerful
|Thursday, March 5th, 2009|
Feeling better for a change. wooohooo! Had a snow day monday. There were 4ft drifts in the driveway. This was the most snow we have gotten this year i think. I am feeling a little lonely today, wahhh.