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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
dreams' Blurty:
| Friday, November 6th, 2009 | |
| 11:03 am | Feeling sad for all the abused children in the world. One of my friends sent me a video of baby Patrick - his abuse and dealth happened back in 07 I think it was. I could barely swallow, I wanted to cry. We all know that abuse happens every day all over the world, and I have to admit that I would rather not hear about it, or know about it because I feel helpless. What is the average person supposed to do when government and local authorities turn a blind eye to it. I am thinking of the Serenity prayer today because I feel very small. Very helpless. I don't understand why these things have to happen. There are so many people who would do anything to have a child, but can't. Then there are these monsters that abuse and allow their children to be abused, sometimes to death. Monsters, animals, it just doesn't seem human to treat the innocent like they do. Current Mood:  sad |
| Thursday, October 29th, 2009 | |
| 12:10 pm | Turning the clocks back this weekend. Means I will be driving home in the dark. Winter is a little depressing...everything is dead, and I don't like the cold, at all. Makes me moody. Had a weird dream last night about my ex. Why... it's not like I ever sit around and think about him. It was an awfull break-up. Not to mention living with his addiction - not an era that I want to remember. There were good times and I held on so long because of the person he was underneath his addiction. I just can't get the thought out of my head....the way his eyes looked in the dream. Strange. I wonder what it all means. My dreams have always been odd. As a child I had horrible nightmares and still do. I find it unusual when I hear people say that they never dream. Really they just don't remember their dreams. |
| Monday, October 19th, 2009 | |
| 10:07 am | It's been a good while...been busy. Hours have picked up at work. Still no health insurance, not sure if we'll ever get that back. Feeling like I am suffocating from time to time. Feeling used, neglected, and taken for granite. Wah, wah, wah. Things could always be worse...I know. Just so frickin tired of the day to day. I need a change, not sure of what good it will do me, but I need something....not even sure exactly what I want it to be. The 20th high school reunion came and went....I didn't go. Old friends from school are great to keep in touch with but.....they don't really know me, most all of them are long distant relationships, maybe that is the way I like it, maybe it feels safer to me.....am feeling a little unsettled about missing the reunion, feeling that it would have done me some good if I would have went. My oldest is going through some sort of delusion that she can just pick up and do whatever she wants regardless of the decisions she's made to me a mother....it breaks my heart to see her hurting and feeling the way she does, but damn it - when you make decisions that change your life, you can't turn around and decide that you just aren't happy anymore. Why is it that some people seem to think that if they get drunk, pop pills and run around doing whatever that somehow their problems are going to just go away or find ways to solve themselves? " It makes us forget our problems, at least for a little while" Hello.....those problems are still going to be there when you sober up, and then what....now you have even less time to deal with them. |
| Monday, June 15th, 2009 | |
| 10:12 am | Jealous Feeling jealous of the women that get to stay home and do things like take care of the house and plan dinners and do laundry and yard work. Not stressing over bills and money all the time. Maybe it would be nice to have a man take care of me for a change. Current Mood:  drained |
| 8:55 am | The weekend went by too quickly, like it usually does. We're having great weather here, the rain has been holding off untill the evenings and that is just what the garden likes. The pool was wonderful, especially when I almost fell asleep floating around. The gentle rocking and slight breeze was very relaxing. I have not heard from the older children, so that has to mean that nothing is wrong and no one needs anything. Current Mood:  calm |
| Friday, June 12th, 2009 | |
| 1:21 pm | Feeling a little low As if a loss in hours at work and loosing my health insurance wasn't enough, I receive an invitation to the 20th high school reuinion. Oh, please don't remind me that I'm getting older. I don't even cover the grays anymore, I figure well, possibly it might look like highlights of some kind, yeah right. Why is it that kids seem to only call when something is wrong, or they need something, like money? I need money myself, who doesn't these days! I am seriously considering delivering newspapers or something at night, that would really help my stress factor I'm sure. I don't feel like I get enough sleep these days as it is. Somebody is always wanting or needing something. I need things too! I'm feeling brain dead right now. I could just stare out into space for hours and be real content with it. I'll leave work, to race home and try to find some solace. Oh wait, that's the biggest place where everybody wants something from me. Maybe I'll run away, far far away. Does any one ever stop to think that I might need someone to listen to me for a change. Honestly, it's like sometimes I'll start talking about my day, or anything, and it doesn't matter, it's like I'm invisable. They just start flapping their lips about them, them, them. Or the best has to be when I am asked a question about something, and in the middle of my response the person either walks away or starts talking about something else, or to someone else. What the hell?!?! Oh, and heaven forbid I say something that someone doesn't want to hear, you would've thought the world was falling off of its axis. Really, if your going to go around saying whatever thought happens to fly threw your mind at any given moment, then at least be prepared to take it when someone else does it. Is that asking too much? What about people that are grumpy just because it's raining, or they are bored, or depressed, or whatever else it could be. I mean really, come on that kind of attitude does make the people around you start to feel depressed themselves. It's hard to keep a happy face on when the people around you are dragging themselves around like they are mad at the world. Then get upset at me when I ask them whats wrong. Go figure. I'll get a response something like - I didn't do anything, I'm not mad about anything. Why is everybody on my ass all the time. I'm sick of this shit. Why is it that some people think I have this endless supply of money stashed up my ass or something. I wish I did because I'd dig some out right now and shove it in their face and tell them to buy themselves something nice, here you go have a good time. Oh, and don't bother ever trying to help me out because I'm not holding my breath or anything, just take forever to get it back to me, that's just fine. Someone told me once, don't ever loan anyone money with the thought that your going to get it back, because you most likely won't. I know this to be true. I have feelings too, has everyone forgotten that. Hey, I'm a real person here. I'm alive. I have feelings and needs too! Uhhhhhhhh!! Current Mood:  annoyed |
| Tuesday, June 9th, 2009 | |
| 9:44 am | Dad I have reconnected with my father. He called yesterday after receiving a letter I sent him. Trying to shorten a long story - my parents split when I was very young. Mom remarried, so did Dad. There was no contact between us untill I contacted him back in 91, we wrote and saw each other for a while, then I moved around more than a few times. Got mixed up in more than a couple bad relationships and lost contact. I thought of him so much over the years, even writting letters that I never sent because I kept thinking that he would be mad or hurt that I lost contact with him. I got the courage to write him and he called last night. I was scared when he called, I'm not sure why, I just was. He sounds different, I guess that comes with age. He has some health issued but that also comes with age. I am just so relieved that my letter reached him, and basically he is okay. I had a sick feeling that something wasn't right. I'm off to find some pictures to send. Current Mood: content |
| Thursday, May 28th, 2009 | |
| 10:47 am | Happy Birthday Grammom Today would've been my Grammom's birthday. Hannah died in 1991. I was pregnant with my second daughter. She never got to see her or my youngest. She meant so much to me. The times spent with her will always be with me. Happy Birthday I love you I miss you |
| Wednesday, May 27th, 2009 | |
| 3:28 pm | My Watercolor Test You Are Highly Inspiring You believe that your life has a higher purpose, and you do all you can to achieve it. You are wise, and a lot of your wisdom comes from self discipline. You try to live as moderately and modestly as possible. You make room for rational, small indulgences... while living as ethically as you can. |
| 1:31 pm | I hope everyones holiday was a good one. I am glad to be back to work. Too many visitors and neighbors stopping by. I have brain overload. Our pool looks wonderful. The kids and neighbors were in, but it hasn't really been warm enough for me yet. I like it hot, everything from food to weather, and everything in between. Hasn't been a lot going on really, as what I like to call the calm before the storm. You know that feeling when everything seems to be going just a little bit too calmly. I was reading tescovee's entry on his escape, and oh how I would love to just throw some clothes in a bag jump in the car and just drive untill I saw something interesting to get into. I would say the hell with work, family, all of it, and don't even try to call my cell cause I just threw it out the window. Brings me to the thought of people getting upset because you don't answer your cell, or it was off, or the battery died. I mean what did people do before cell phones? No one had cells when I was younger. Hell, we didn't even have a vcr untill I was in highschool. I can't wait to get to the beach. I am so hoping that we'll be able to go this summer. I haven't been in so long. Well, my youngest is 11 and she's never been. That's a long time. I want to feel sand between my toes, hot sand! I want to smell suntan lotion and salty air. I remember being a little girl, growing up in Georgia, we would go to the beaches all the time, they are everywhere, just a short drive to jacksonville, and much better than Md. All we have here is Ocean City, wow. |
| Friday, April 17th, 2009 | |
| 8:58 am | Happy Friday Everybody!!! The rain has finally left, at least for a couple of days. We will have temps in the 60's and 70's for a few days. I want to get outside, breath some fresh air. The rain actually makes me feel blue, really blue. It's really a noticable difference in my mood when the sun is out. Not sure if that makes any sense to anyone, but I've really taken a notice to it lately. Maybe if I ever get rich I should move to an island or something. Speaking of summer, I have got to get my pool in shape. I left it is such an awfull condition last fall. So many things were happening one right after the other last summer that I let it go and had to close it up with a nice green color to it. I really can't afford to have new water delivered, so I will try some major chemicals and hope for the best. Current Mood:  hopeful |
| Thursday, April 16th, 2009 | |
| 2:37 pm | It's been a month since I've been here. I have missed it! So much has been happening, we have moved our office. Work has picked up a little. Feeling exhausted, but otherwise fairly well. I had a physical and found out my cholesterol is a little high. Wow, not surprised since who has the money or the time to eat a perfect diet these days. That sounded like an excuse I know. She also talked me into taking and anti-anxiety med. She's hoping it helps with my stomach problems as well. I take it twice a day, the evening dose is fine, but that morning one makes me feel stupid. dizzy, sick, weird, even if I take it with food. I swear meds are sometimes not worth the trouble. I hope everyone is doing well. I am so enjoying the spring sunshine. We just had 3 solid days of rain. Current Mood: cheerful |
| Thursday, March 5th, 2009 | |
| 12:05 pm | Feeling better for a change. wooohooo! Had a snow day monday. There were 4ft drifts in the driveway. This was the most snow we have gotten this year i think. I am feeling a little lonely today, wahhh. |
| Friday, February 27th, 2009 | |
| 3:46 pm | well, doctor called my house last night with results from my staph swab. I have MRSA. Great, I feel like a lepor. Good thing she put me on antibiotics to kill it 10 days ago. now i go pick up a prescription of some stuff to wipe on the inside of my nose, and pick up soap to wash with every other day. My god, how does this happen to a person? could i have picked it up in the hospital 5 months ago, or from someone that i know. Oh my, I guess things could be worse. i just don't understand it, i shower, i wash my hands, i am clean. I don't get it. Current Mood:  lethargic |
| Monday, February 23rd, 2009 | |
| 10:14 am | Went back to doctors for a check up, no lab results are back yet, things are looking better, I am feeling better. Called this morning for lab results - still not done. Today my mood is cold, I just have no desire to deal with anything today, nor do I want to talk to anyone. I think I really need a vacation - from everybody and everything. Current Mood: gloomy |
| Wednesday, February 18th, 2009 | |
| 12:57 pm | I haven't been feeling well, so I broke down and made a doctor's appointment and went monday, she said I had a sinus infection and my left ear was inflamed. so, start taking antibiotics. now over the weekend i ran into a friend of mine, she tells me that her whole house went through a bad bout with staph. I didn't mention the bump on my lower abdomen to the doctor because I didn't see it as a problem, figured it would go away, you know people get bumps and things, but when I arrived at work on tuesday, i learn that my co-worker also has a staph infection, I tell her about my bump and she suggested I go get it checked out. I agreed, and it was very sore. Okay, I was a little freaked, seeing that people I know have staph infections and now I have this bump that is sore, red, swollen. I went to the doctors again yesterday so they could check it out, as soon as she looked at it she said she didn't like the way it looked, she said it looks like mrsa. She lanced it and sent away the swab to check for sure and changed my antibiotics to something stronger, so now I have to go back on friday to learn the results of the lab work. Today I feel completely awfull, my stomach is sore and tender from being cut open, and from the infection, and my body aches terribly. I really hope this isn't mrsa, and just a general staph infection. I feel so gross and discusting, just saying the word staph and mrsa makes me feel so nasty. uhhhhh! Current Mood: sick |
| Friday, February 13th, 2009 | |
| 1:20 pm | My eyes hurt, and have been for days now, I have a headache that i can't shake and I am so tired lately. Hopefully I can get over whatever the hell this thing is. I want to feel normal again. Today is friday and I am so glad, not that I have any special plans it's just nice to be able to sleep in and get up and drink coffee and watch tv. I think we might want to find a new home for one of the dogs. We adopted them from a couple who had to move or something, but two dogs is too much dog if you know what I mean. Our intention was to only bring one home with us, but none of us felt right separating the two of them, I don't even know if they could stand to be apart from one another. we think that the one was abused or something just the way she acts, I don't know what to do really. Current Mood: drained |
| Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 | |
| 9:26 am | Still trying to reflect on recent events. I feel like I am walking around in a fog, like in a dream. Things are going on around me, people are talking, stuffs happening, but I am just there. Hard to discribe, but I am just suspended in my surroundings. On a weirder note - My dogs have developed a strange habit of eating poop. uhhhhhh!!! Does anyone know why dogs do this? Does anybody have any idea of how to stop them from doing it. I mean, we keep the yard clean, but we don't follow them around every second. Any ideas? Current Mood: blah |
| Monday, February 9th, 2009 | |
| 4:13 pm | What happened to the weekend? Friday night absolutely was horrible. His son came over, they got into an argument, my young one was there and saw the whole thing. She got upset, of course, but I mean really upset. After what we've both been through I was totally beside myself. There was no stopping either one of them, no punches were thrown, but alot of yelling and in your face stuff, he wouldn't even stop to look at her and see how scared she was, I was thinking that if he saw her that they would stop, but it didn't matter. I still can't believe that father and son could be at each other's throats like that, and all over - of course something stupid. I had to put the little one in the car, and we left, after i got my head together, and realized there was no stopping it, i told her to get her shoes on and we got in the car and drove down the road. the whole time she is saying for me to make him leave, she is saying that she wishes he would leave, she doesn't want him here anymore, she said it would be better if it was just me and her. I eventually calmed her down and we drove back to the house, they were in the driveway talking. At least they were settled down at this point. I pulled into the carport and his son came out to talk to me, and apologize for it all. It wasn't all his fault though. After he went home and I went in the house I was so angry still. I told him that I won't have it, I won't live like this anymore, I told him that he wasn't the same person that I met in the beginning. he didn't want to realize it, and he finally did, but then he just had many excuses as to why he will go off on ranting spells about stupid crap, oh it's this persons fault, or, this person is stepping all over me, or him, or this person is disrespecting him, or whatever. My god, I told him, that he has been different for over a good month or so, that he wasn't the soft spoken, calm, person that he used to be. I also brought to his attention that he wasn't drinking as much when we first got together. I told him I feel like a fool. I told him he had to leave if he couldn't stop flipping out over trivial crap, of course to him these things aren't trivial. i told him, life is too short to be spending so much time bitching about crap, and what people say, and do. anyway, to make a long long story short, i have agreed that we can work on it. I did tell him that i feel like i am making a mistake, that it just doesn't feel the same as it used to. I just can't be with someone who looks at the world the way he does. He is so quick to think that someone is trying to overstep him, or disrespect him, or they are trying to show him up or something. He thinks that my kids are somehow walking all over me, over stupid things, that just isn't true. I told him that I won't listen to anymore of this crap, i just won't. We are so different it seems, and it the beginning I felt so connected to him. I felt that he looked at life the way I did. I am a peace keeper, a live and let live type of person. Him - if someone bumps into him and doesn't say excuse me, he is ready to say something to them. I just don't live my life like that. My hopes in keeping this journal is so I can sort things out better, but after re-reading this, it doesn't seem to make any better sense to me except that he was putting on a front for me in the beginning. I don't know right now what to think. Current Mood: disappointed |
| Friday, February 6th, 2009 | |
| 4:34 pm | Went to bed and cried myself to sleep. Eyes have been burning all day because of it. Self torture, got to love it. I've just been feeling so useless lately. I think that I am looking for some sense of comfort that I may never find. I feel empty, and I'm not sure any amount of love and caring could ever fix me. I cringe at the slightest hint of criticism, for fear that I have once again failed something or someone. I am constantly and I mean constantly watching the people around me trying to feel them out, you know if they get upset or something, I automatically look at myself and ask myself If i did or said anything to upset them, or could I have done something to make this situation any better for them. WTF! yeah, as i lay in bed crying, feeling, i guess sorry for myself, I came to this realization. I think I am loosing it. Current Mood: discontentCurrent Music: here comes horses by Tabitha's Secret |