2:47AM
this is a help line, you can talk about anything! click on the icon for more information. thanks.
this is a help line, you can talk about anything! click on the icon for more information. thanks.
and if you ever come asking about the revolution, do it your fucking self.
http://www.deadjournal.com/users/beautifulsmooth
Danielle's background reminded me of all the war memorials that we have erected to commemorate our dead, so I went and found a picture of the Vietnam Wall Memorium that I really liked. It's so depressing yet so uplifting at the same time. I'm really obsessed with the idea of death and graves and lying eternally in your crumbled, decrepit bones, completely unaware of life and your own destroyed state. Dead. Just dead. It sounds so wonderful, so beautiful, so peaceful. I can't wait to die. That sounds odd, but thinking of dying and having every misery in life, just having every aspect of life, obliterated in the swell of death and destruction appeals to me. And creamation. Burnnig. My ashes swept into a little jar and scattered into the wind. No one would ever have to think of me again because there would be nothing left of me to pay attention to. No grave, no headstone, no lasting memorial to a girl who mattered so little in this world. I'm not depressed anymore, just exhilirated by this idea that I am going to die and I'm really looking forward to it. I could care less how it happens, but I know that someday it will be my time to die and I want it to be soon. Perhaps suicide. Maybe I will end up taking my own life. That would be one to go. Does it seem odd that I can talk so freely and cheerfully about killing myself? Well it seems right. It seems natural. We should be able to speak of death with no restrictions. It's a natural life event, it will effect absolutely everyone. Why should we not talk freely of it? I can't understand how anyone could be so close-minded about death. It's so beautiful. It shouldn't be scary. It will happen when it happens and there's not a thing you can do about it, so why fight this idea? Do you think that by not talking about death, that it will go away? Well it won't. It will come to everyone and that is exciting. I can't wait to die.
Gah. Last night I walked all the way to this guys house in the cold with my friend, just to see him messed up on coke and cl and alcohol. Then we walk with him (because my friend likes him and wanted to hang) to this guys house and watch him do a drug deal as they each take a line of more coke. And the dude was watching for his mom the whole time so it was making me jumpy. I haven't been through any of this in a while, and I've needed to get out all of it. The smell of alcohol on the guy my friend wanted to be with was so strong... and so tempting. We were sitting there resisting all this crap (my friend and I), and yet still getting high of their second hand smoke... (they put coke residue on the end of the cig and lit it) I couldn't even hardly stand straight, I was getting so dizzy closed up in that house with those kids. It was so outrageous. I should have called Phillip... I should have got up and walked out in the cold and risked whatever was out there. Why? I don't know. I didn't do any of what I should have done though, I sat there like a joke. It all felt so unreal. The guy that she likes was hilarious to watch. It took him fifty minutes just to call this one guy and ask his friend if he could give us a ride home. Yeah, that guy was messed up, too. They kept offering us cigs and cussing.. ahh it was all so tempting. I mean, I try to be a good Christian kid and crap like this keeps happening to me. Bah hum-freaking-bug. I also drove last night and got Phil kind of stressed. He is tired of seeing his friends die, even though I was driving safely (for the most part) and it was a neighborhood where no cars came. Thankfully no cops suspected anything about any of us... or else we would have been in deep crap. We also gave her cat a purple moehawk and tail. The original idea was to dye it black and give it a pink moehawk, but we just stuck with the moehawk. My friends were making up a song and I was trying to make words to it. Yeah, I needed to get all of that out. Haha, oh and the answer to my prayers (literally.. and long story) just asked me out today. Wow, I really needed to get all of that out. It's good to come here every once in a while and just spill all the rotting muccus-like thoughts that clogs up my mind.
xxx
first entry, i just joined, yep *waves*
im kinda mellow right now cuz i jus cut a few min ago.. *sigh*
i wont go too into my probs in the first entry cuz that'd be stupid of me..
if u wanna no more bout me comment here or in my journal <3
kel
The End
Another distant scream...
Another shattered dream.
Lost another bet...
Another cigarette.
The world's only getting stupider...
Mother nature's crying, but no one hears her.
"God" damns you America...
Open eyes see right through ya.
Everybody's fake...
Independence burnt at the stake.
Mass produced welfare...
Never ending warfare.
It's American to hate...
Forecasting your own fate.
Money is where the power's at...
An open minded minority disagrees with that.
Your God would be ashamed...
This world is satan tamed.
My life's lottery is one fucked up game...
Under your masks, you all look the same.
Discriminating, superficial, ignorant waste...
Never gonna give your life another taste.
Kill me more...
I'll never be your whore.
Look at me, and you will see what's real...
A life your culture couldn't steal.
Close them eyes...
Another friend dies.
Be blind...
And no life is what you will find.
A world of rape, murder, and beer...
The outcasts are who you need to hear.
Nothing lasts forever...
But I, you will remember.
You blew your chance...
Let the chaos dance.
Emptiness feels no pain...
Sobriety's insane.
One day I'll be gone and dead...
Will you remember what I said?
End world, here's my one last breath...
Lets all watch America bring upon our death.
God, make this nightmare end...
We're alone my friend.
Misinterpreted and shoved aside...
Humanity has already died.
Say goodbye...
Time for us all to die.
Lost it all...
Watch me fall...
You'll all see...
The end of humanity.
http://www.yoanowns.com/anundergroundworld
Im new here.. but imagine someone silently whispering this confession and that'll be me. This confession is the confession of my stress.
I am paranoid.. I am insecure. I am really tired of labels and stupid kids that think they know everything but don't know squat. I'm tired of trying to be perfect, my grades are stressing me out. I want to be with Cody, but I can't, and I'm too busy trying to hide it from James because I'm afraid even tho there's nothing between us he'll think of me as a cold and heartless biotch because he claimed he has always liked me. Is it my fault that he never wants to act like it? It takes more than words. I'm tired of innocent people getting hurt. I'm tired of people who freaking hurt themselves physically.. but I've done it before so I can't talk. I don't know. It seems like no matter what I do I only get crap from people. I'm tired of writing good stuff and getting no credit from anyone. I'm tired of everyone always getting pissed at me. I'm tired of always feeling like the victim. This is not me... or perhaps it is. This is the hidden me that I keep inside and replace with a smile. Usually I can keep it down but good bajeebers, it's grown so that it can't help but come out. I'm probably failing, I've gotten so lazy.. and I have so much to do! The projects never cease.. and I've got so many after school activities to worry about.. and report cards come out soon. I'm so completely stressed out and my eating habits and my back problems.. My nervous stomach has come back again. I don't want to start back on medication. I don't want to mutilate myself, because I've been down that road and got nowhere. Starving myself gets me nowhere but passed out. I look calm on the outside, but on the inside my mind is like a crowded traffic jam in the middle of time square. I've been afraid that if I didn't get all this out, and My dad is yelling at me to get some popcorn CUZ HE CANT GET HIS OWN FRICKING POPCORN. Why can't I confess all this in my own journal? Because people I know are nosy, and less likely to look into a community because a lot of them are lazy. Irresponsible... I'm just tired of people lately. I don't want pity, I just want to get all of this out and be free of it. This is my confession, which I guarantee I will probably regret later. Wow, surprisingly I feel a bit better for now. I never get mad, I am usually smiling and happy and humorous, but people have gotten on my nerves so lately that one day someone will do something to so utterly piss me off and I will take out months of bottled anger and frustration out on them.. and it's going to suck. I hope I don't cuss at them.. or hurt them physically.. that wouldn't be too good. :-/ I'll probably get blamed for another suicide soon enough. People who try to blame their suicides on me when all I've ever done to them is say, "I love you and I don't want you to hurt yourself." I dunno man... that's just screwed and I refuse to feel guilty if they decide to off themselves. I have a project due tomorrow, and I think I would feel better if I did it.. but then there are just more and more projects due flooding me until I'm drowning and I can't breathe. This is my quiet yet long complaint. Ignore it, Think about it.. just no you are not the only one out there who stresses over the little things and such. Cody is so nice.. he just did his whole family's laundry without a complaint.. and I just complained about getting my dad some stupid popcorn. ahh I feel terrible now. lol, I can't do anything right... I am right at being wrong. :-) Ahh well, days come and go, and I am much happier now that I have calmed down and am talking to Cody. The end. lol.
Quiet confessions are long ones.
This is the finished essay that I posted two or something weeks ago. Some people were interested in it, other were not. But here it is in any case.
( Self-Mutilation and One Girl )
how do you know when you're in love??
..how can you tell that what you're feeling is real and not something that will fade..
thoughtfulI need 2 put these emotions into words, else I will not be able to deal with them. I feel…sick almost. I don’t know, like, there’s this heavy weight in the very bottom of my stomach and a huge lump in my throat and I don’t know why. I feel like I did 4 months ago. I feel like I might explode unless I find a way to vent these feelings.
I want to feel that cool blade, I want that instant relief, I feel like a balloon that has too much air in it, and I just want something to make a hole in me to let the air out, to let me deflate, relax, sleep. I cannot sleep like this. I just want to score a line in my skin. Just one. One can’t hurt. Just that one tiny cut. Not deep. It won’t scar. Just a scratch. Like a cat scratched me. Just a tiny drop of blood. Not too much. Just that little bit…………..just once can’t hurt can it?
But if I do, if I find the wire, the scissors, the razor, whatever, what then? Will it stop there? Just that one time? Its like an addiction. A drug. Its another form of heroin. Of drink. You develop the addiction. You kick the habit. But just one more hit, just one more drop…and that’s it. Wham bam and off you go, back down the slippery slope. It would be that easy.
I can’t cry. Its not that I don’t want to…..i want to desperately, I want to cry out these emotions, I want that relief, but I cannot physically do it. I feel like some kind of ice queen, who cannot express emotion. Perhaps it is because I have been bottling these emotions up, and they are spilling over, perhaps I should have listened when people warned me not to bottle it up. Perhaps they were right. Perhaps not. I don’t know. All I know is I cannot cry.
I woke up this morning feeling like this. I couldn’t face college. So I didn’t go. I just slept for most of the day. I felt so lethargic. So tired. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t eat. Just felt sick. I was sitting in the bath earlier and I couldn’t do anything. I just sat there for about an hour. Not thinking. Not doing anything, just sitting there with the water growing cold around me. a razor was sitting on the side. I couldn’t even bring myself to touch it. to look at it even. I just stared at….at nothing.
Depression is a disease. A virus. Once you have it, you always have it. You cannot kick it. You have good days. You have bad days. Today is a bad day I guess. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being the way I am. I know I have to accept it. I have to learn to ‘love’ myself. But from where I'm standing, that is a very difficult thing to do right now. I mean look at me. I'm at a new college, doing a fantastic course, have made some really good friends, I have a car, I have everything. Yet still I feel this way. why? Why can’t I just kick it? Why can’t I turn around and face my problems and tell them to get the f**k out of my mind? Why?
I’ve been trying to work out what the reasons are. You see, its not like I’ve been sitting there feeling depressed and knowing the cause. I don’t actually know. I can’t physically see anything that could be the problem. Its all in my mind. I can’t hide from it. I can’t even hide my past from others around me. my new friends know about me. I think. well, its pretty obvious really isn’t it, with the scars and all. They don’t mention them, never had. They act as if they havn’t noticed, but of course they have, I sometimes catch them looking. Its obvious really. I havn’t said anything though. they know about Dave tho. And they know I didn’t complete my year. And they know I was on drugs, tho I let them believe that it was more serious than it actually was. I’d rather let them think that maybe I did what I did because I was off my face at the time and didn’t know what I was doing, rather than the fact that I knew exactly what I was doing and it was all me. I havn’t told them how I am feeling and have no intention of doing so. I let them believe that I am happy hyper bouncy glittery Sophie, slightly shy, but generally quite outgoing and I sit there and join in the discussions about which guys I like, what clothes I'm wearing to this party, and keep them up to date on my love life, or lack of, and just act like they want me to act. But then I get home and feel like this. I feel I lead a double life. I'm schizophrenic. I'm not but its how I feel.
I can’t tell anyone. I have noone I can talk to. the one thing I want most is to talk and I can’t. I can’t talk to my college friends, cause I don’t want them to know. I can’t talk to my old friends, cause I want them to think that I'm better. I can’t talk to my parents cause I hurt them so badly last time and its only just starting to get better, I don’t want it to slip back. I can’t see a doctor because I can’t get to one without my parents knowing. I can’t talk to adam because I don’t want him to think I'm still the same, and I don’t have any friend close enough to talk to. I don’t have a boyfriend, I have noone. I'm stuck. All I have is this stupid journal. This is the only way I can tell someone how I feel. And I am thankful that someone might read this, and appreciate that, but I don’t know who you are. I cannot get a hug and have you tell me its all going to be ok, everything will work out. I want physical contact here. I want someone to hold me and comfort me and make me feel safe, cause right now that’s the last thing I feel. I feel on the edge of a cliff. I want to feel warm and safe and loved.
But I can’t let anyone close enough to me. I won’t let them in. I'm terrified to. if I let them in, then I don’t know what the consequences will be. And I'm grabbing what I have already and holding on for dear life and I cannot afford to lose one bit of what I have. So what am I to do. You tell me that. How can I make myself better? What the f**k is wrong with me?
The End
Another distant scream...
Another shattered dream.
Lost another bet...
Another cigarette.
The world's only getting stupider...
Mother nature's crying, but no one hears her.
"God" damns you America...
Open eyes see right through ya.
Everybody's fake...
Independence burnt at the stake.
Mass produced welfare...
Never ending warfare.
It's American to hate...
Forecasting your own fate.
Money is where the power's at...
An open minded minority disagrees with that.
Your God would be ashamed...
This world is satan tamed.
My life's lottery is one fucked up game...
Under your masks, you all look the same.
Discriminating, superficial, ignorant waste...
Never gonna give your life another taste.
Kill me more...
I'll never be your whore.
Look at me, and you will see what's real...
A life your culture couldn't steal.
Close them eyes...
Another friend dies.
Be blind...
And no life is what you will find.
A world of rape, murder, and beer...
The outcasts are who you need to hear.
Nothing lasts forever...
But I, you will remember.
You blew your chance...
Let the chaos dance.
Emptiness feels no pain...
Sobriety's insane.
One day I'll be gone and dead...
Will you remember what I said?
End world, here's my one last breath...
Lets all watch America bring upon our death.
God, make this nightmare end...
We're alone my friend.
Misinterpreted and shoved aside...
Humanity has already died.
Say goodbye...
Time for us all to die.
Lost it all...
Watch me fall...
You'll all see...
The end of humanity.
30 September 2003
( Self-Mutilation, a Tale )
So far this is all that I have done on it. I need at least another page. But whatever. I couldn't stand writing anymore though it was driving me crazy. Anyway, let me know what you think if you read it?
I don't believe I'm pregnant. So I'm not going to stress over it. I was worried, but hey why should I? I was carefull. I really was, we aren't doing that anymore, and we are going to cut down on the fooling around. That's good right? We never meant to base our relationship around it because it isn't important to us, I guess it just gave us something to do, and we meant to show out affection towards eachother. I'm probably sounding really hella gay at that moment. "::sighs::: what am I talking about anyway." I'll just get going, c ya later
My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year now. We've been fooling around, but now were getting more serious about it. We wont go "all the way" and have sex yet cause were still younge, and I don't want a kid right now. I'm still in high school. We both decided to stop being so serious about our fooling around. I was afraid I was pregnant, not that long ago, but my period just came a few days ago. I was really relieved about that. I was so scared, because if I was Iwouldn't give it up, or have an abortion because that is wrong in my mind. But my mom would kill me, and it would be emarrasing because of my age. So after that we did it once more, and then it was done. Were not goin that far anymore. Like I said though we didn't have sex. Your probably wondering how in the hell would I be pregnant then. But I don't want to go in such details and explain everything.
I don't know. I've been really confused lately about a lot of things. Scared, worried, angry, depressed, happy. A lot of moods. I love to cry when I'm not happy. I cry instead of hurt myself.Which is good, isn't it? I don't know my mom just got home though, so I'm just going to enter this in, and update sometime later. Thanks for listening/reading.
distressedheather~
i don't know what happened between us...we used to just spend hours upon hours on the phone everynight talking about the stupidest things that we could think of...i don't know why things stopped...you were always such a great friend of mine..i love you like a sister..you know more about me than anyone..probably even myself. i hate that i haven't seen you in so long...and i hate feeling like it's my fault cuz i don't like your guy. and im sorry for what i said about him...but you knew a long time ago what kind of person i was and that if you ask my opinion..that you may not always like it. im sorry that i feel like i hurt you and i don't know where we are supposed to go now...i understand that we both were busy and such...but i miss seeing you. i love you so much and i hate what happened between us..i hope things change really quick though...you are always there for me..and i need you.
gloomyHe's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
hot[1. Ripped Jeans, some adidas on my feet
2. worn out bottoms, due to rouch concrete
3. I got an old rockers shirt, band of 1978
4. Thin raggedy, uncombed hair, wish it were straight
5. Half closed faded blue eyes
6. And during the nights I hear my own cries
7. What sanity is there left for me
8. I've got to fight and break my mind free.
Chorus 1
9. On and on I trudge the rockstars dream
10. Living a dirty life that feels so clean
11. Lonely heart, please let me be
12. Everyone else does as you can see...
13. My eyes are so deep, like blackholes in the sky
14. They're so far away, hurting so bad from being so dry
15. Threatened by the shadows in the night
16. That get exposed with an onturned light
17. Fuck this trivial life so full of fortune and glam
18 I just wanna pick up the guitar and begin to Jam
19. Blues out right into the cold, sleepless night
20. Watch the 3 minute solo, listen to my play with all my might...
Chorus 2
< 3 Minute solo, fast start, slow moody then into reggular tune for main chorus at 2 min 50 sec.>
Chorus 1
21. On and on I trudge the rockstars dream
22. Living a dirty life that feels so clean
23. Lonely heart please let me be
24. Everyone else does as you can see...
25. The end of my show, c'mon its time to go.
26. Home, to the the warm, comforting glow...
27. I wish to you all, a better run of life...
28. And that it doesn't end at the sharp end of a knife
29. While I might have money, a face on TV
30. You will always have it, better than me...
Chorus 1
31. On and on I trudge the rockstars dream
32. Living a dirty life that feels so clean
33. Lonely heart please let me be
34. Everyone else does as you can see...
Chorus 3
< Ending guitar solo, 1 minute. Fade.>]
creative
ziggven
confused[theres a few more on my livejournal, and i have tons on my computer, on scraps of paper and everywhere, one day i'll put em all in one big book. ha.]
[---------------------------------------
[Alone
White light fills the lens of my eyes,
fills the color of my pupils,
glides over my soul, convulses my limbs,
my lips crack at the ends,
blood spills from my nose,
is this what its like, going into a coma?
I don’t know why, but I know how
And I know who, and I know where
Some guy with a knife,
No job, no money, no life
Comes at me for no reason
And kicked my ass for this season.
Oh god, what is it this time
My mind is beginning to think in a rhyme -
scheme, cream, I need a new spleen
got blood on my shirt, dirt on my jeans
my arm is broken, my head in pain
it feels like its going to rain -
Inside my mind, all over my day
I hope someone revenges me, makes the fucker pay.
Chorus
I’m all alone, trapped inside
No one hears me, I’m still alive
It’s like a fucking dream in which I hide
And no one finds me, not in time…
25. So what now, they’re staring at me
26. Is it cuz, I got blood all over
27. My chest, it hurts, I can’t breathe
28. Oh fuck, I’m scared, somebody help!
29. Call a doctor, dial 9-1-1
30. Drive me to the hospital
31. Are you guys dumb?
32. I’m dying here! Does nobody care?
33. I guess I deserve this, but its not fair!
34. I haven’t lived my life, I haven’t see it all!
35. All I wanted, was a simple phone call
36. From people I care about, people I love
37. Oh now I know I’m dying, is that the Dove?
38. The one from the Angel, the angel above?
39. Theres that song,
40. Knock - knock - knockin on heavens door
41. I didn’t realize that it had been playing for so long
42. Is it outside, or all in my mind
43. I’m so alone, and I’m becoming more blind
44. My eyes are darkening, my throat is closing.
45. Sorry God, I hope I’m not imposing
46. Got room for me up there,
47. I only need a corner
48. For me, my guitar, my music
49. And I know I’m a foreigner
50. But I brought my green card
Chorus:
51. I’m all alone, trapped inside
52. No one hears me, I’m still alive
53. It’s like a fucking dream in which I hide
54. And no one finds me, not in time. . .
55. Goodbye… cruel world
56. I’m going away now…
57. I know no one cares…
58. But alas… I say goodbye…
Chorus:
59. I’m all alone, trapped inside
60. No one hears me, I’m still alive
61. It’s like a fucking dream in which I hide
62. And no one finds me, not in time. . .]
[---------------------------------------
accomplished[last letter recieved, dated: 5/4/2003. from then, some shit changed but... ya.. ::shrugs::]
[From: "Me00DarkAngel00@aol.com"
Subject: (no subject)
I'm not really sure why I'm sending you this, but I really want you to
understand how important my beliefs and my faith is to me. I've been having a
hard time focusing on n-e God lately, mostly cause of family problems but
also stuff at school and work, and to be totally honest because of you. It's
not that you mean to hurt me or n-e thing cause I don't think you would ever
do that, but in a way you are. you know I'm busy with work and soccer and
stuff but you still call every night and you keep e-mailing me when I usually
don't get time to check it for at least a week. and everytime you do it hurts
because I don't have enough time in the day for everything and I don't want
to have to choose between doing what I know is the right thing to do, the
stuff God wants me to do and having you as a friend. This is going to sound
really mean, but I'm not your girl-friend, and I'm not going to be, not for a
long time, until I can get to a point where I dont have to give up the things
I'm doing to have time for a boyfriend. It hurts me to see you when your not
happy or when somebody has hurt you, and it hurts even more to think that now
I'm the one hurting you, but I have to take care of myself for once, and in
the end I would only end up hurting you n-e way. I just don't know how to
explain what I feel to you. It's like, all you see is the bad stuff and none
of the good in the world. I mean what's your reason for getting up every
morning and going on. Sometimes it's really hard ot make myself get up
because I know that I'm gonna go through plenty on bad stuff everyday, but
then I remember what God did for me, he gave up his only son so that no
matter what I do wrong I'll be forgiven. He gave me a mother who would do n-e
thing in the world for me, and I can stop myself from wanting to do something
in return. I don't know if you'll ever understand n-e of the stuff I just
said, I pray that someday you will, but until then I will pray for you
because I believe in the end it will make a difference. Maybe I'm just crazy,
but I would rather spend me life soing good things in the name of God even if
he doesn't exist then not have any purpose or direction in my life at all.
Being christain isn't for everyone I guess, but I'm proud to call myself a
Jesusfreak. You cantake that n-e way you want it, but that's me, at least
that's what I want to be. I'm just writing a bunk of stuff to get it off my
chest and I'm probably not making n-e sense but yeah, it's late and I'm kinda
tired. just, do me a favor and don't call me everyday, you know I'm busy and
I don't think I can take much more. ]
[i am a sad person...]
[i will never get over her...]
[i will always be lonely]
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