| Upped and Gone | ||||
| 05:22pm 28/03/2005 | ||||
Please look me up there! blurty wasnt giving me as much problems as it seemed to have been giving other people..it's always pretty much been fine for me except a little slowness, but it was getting pretty lonely here, and everyone else has left, so I've upped and gone too. I'll still come back here ocassionally, but not very often, and I wont be updating at all. This is really weird, to be leaving, for this to be my last ever blurty post...I've been with blurty over two years and in that time I've made 758 journal entries, written 311 comments and recieved 367 back. It's been a great time, and I have many happy memories from here, but it's time to go. anyone who wants adding to my friends list at livejournal look me up and leave me a comment, I've added a few people but I dont know most people's user names on there ^_^ Goodbye, all. |
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touched| refreshing rain! | ||||
| 06:12pm 27/03/2005 | ||||
It's very rainy. I want to go and walk in the rain but I missed the big shower because I was tidying, and now it's just drizzle, which is no fun. Im thinking of abandoning blurty. Everyone else has left and it's getting to feel a bit lonely. I heard live journal didnt give out accounts anymore though or something? |
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gloomy| some people get all the looks | ||||
| 10:30pm 26/03/2005 | ||||
http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/user/ssoh/cosplay/catgirl.jpg also did I point out the person who owns this http://www.bobagirl.com/anime/misc/volks-kenshin-box.jpg I envy soooo much? |
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grumpy| I really rreally really like him. | ||||
| 01:10pm 26/03/2005 | ||||
Unfortunately eamon was the only person awake when it arrived and had to answer the door to get the post. He said when he bought it up to me, in my room "I can see what you mean by complicated now". And he was right. He then went on to save from sudden spidery death when he noticed a spider crawling down the wall towards me, and showed me how to change the lightbulbs, so he can't hate me, tooooo much, Im guessing. |
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| Post | ||||
busy| erm.. and.. uh...erm..yep. | ||||
| 04:11am 26/03/2005 | ||||
Him: (shockingly, in the middle of a random conversation) so, I like you, and you like me, so where do we go from here? Me: Ah (goes bright red) um. um. ah. well. It's like this you see. erm. him: *expectant silence* me: I met dave, and time, um, was, the timing was inconvienient. yes. um. and he went back to london which is where he lives which is pretty far away. um. but we wrote each other letters and on msn and talked on the phone. er er er. so... him: so? me: so, erm, Im very confused, and I dont want to, like, drag anyone down into that, erm, confusion with me, erm. *pauses* do you know what I mean? him: yes, yes I think so. me: and erm, well, it dosent seem fair, to, uh, to you. to, uh, pursue anything when Im this confused. erm, making sense? him: yes. me: so, uh, you and me are going to be living together in october, and um, you may have realised I dont really relax around you. Im very, uh, nervous. erm. and. so. When you live here, I'll get to know you, and uh, relax. gods. Im so eloquent. him: *laughs* me: um. ah. says ruth, she of the compelling logic and the, erm, clarity of speech. him: would it help if we talked about me? me: (dreamily, not hearing what he's said) and you, erm, you'll notice I never meet your eyes, and, yeh. (realises) oh! yes! sorry! you must think Im terribly self centered, cos, erm, I get nervous you see, and talk some absolute bollocks. here I go again. erm. rambling. erm. him: (talks about himself for about ten minutes as prompted by questions from me, mostly about his dating history, then...) so why the valentine then? me: well you see.... *long pause* oh dear. I sent that when I was, uh, less confused. him: oh? me: I. before dave. and. uh. erm. and. ah. him: it was a flattering thought me: I consulted lots of, er, people, and er, put lots of time into thinking about, er, it. and, erm. it was true, and erm. But... confusion. arg! there was more, but this gives you a more accurate idea of how things were than you probably believe. I'd believe it was exagerated too, if I hadnt been there. Believe me, there were more "erms". I think the way we left it, was that I was too mixed up to safely pursue anything. I believe we talked for a while about why the modern idea of being able to date more than one person at once was bad. the "being too confused" line, while true, was preferable to the more true and relevant line, which was simply that I have more feelings for dave. But that would have been the wrong truth to use, I think. I dont think I've ever made less sense in my life. |
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awake| craving solitude in terms of actual physical company (online company I can deal with) | ||||
| 01:57pm 25/03/2005 | ||||
Was woken at 11 by guest wanting letting into the house. Was polite, but told them after I let them in that I was going back upstairs to die for a bit. They asked what I was dying of, I said death. Went to the library in town with them today, but it was closed. My library books are a tad late. I may be in trouble there. Will they count the days til I can take them back? It dosent open again til tuesday. I also, saw a very very large bumble bee. The temperature outside is fast approaching the levels of mugginess that I find offensively high, and I'm wishing for a storm. I also want to be alone, which is tricky when you have a guest. I want to spend time in solitude, doing what I want instead of what is polite. Which I know I'll hate, when I get it and Im alone for a very long time next week. As far as I know, next week I have a grand total of one friend remaining in lancaster, and I can hardly bug her everyday when she has work to be doing too. So, more job hunting, and more work on the dissertation beckons, and I'll try and enjoy the peace. |
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artistic| in brief | ||||
| 02:27pm 24/03/2005 | ||||
Havent done anything productive for a while because of being ill yesterday. |
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| *drooling* | ||||
| 04:41pm 23/03/2005 | ||||
can you imagine??? One could have....a laguna plush...or a half naked kenshin plush ^_^ .. a plush of an original character of your own...*sigh* I love plushies... also... http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=88924&item=5963973183&rd=1 I've never seen one of these before... http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=13667&item=5964264355&rd=1 Good god! these, however, have to be the strangest things Ive seen all day! http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=88924&item=5964285574&rd=1 http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1345&item=5965258862&rd=1 |
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blah| really boring story about how ill I was | ||||
| 02:11pm 23/03/2005 | ||||
I'd been using my computer, and hadn't realised it was pretty late, and as I finished up a conversation with someone I glanced at my watch and realised it 1am...not very unusual for me, but suddenly I felt really really sick and trembly. I got into bed as soon as I could, and thought I'd read for a minute to calm myself down, but I couldnt even see the words because I was shaking so much the page wouldn't keep still. I didn't feel overly cold as such, but I was shivvering like I was in the middle of an iceberg! My breathing was funny, affected by the shiivering I think. I turned off the light and lay down but I was still trembling. I had an extra blanket on top of my duvet but I thought I'd warm up in a minute so I lay there for ten minutes and still didnt stop shaking. Again, I didnt feel overly cold and all these weird thoughts were going through my head about what it could be. My neck and head were aching and pounding like they had been scraped raw from the inside. Eventually I reached over to turn my radiator on, realising I'd turned it off a few nights ago. I realised with surprise that I was so weak I could barely turn the knob and had to use both hands to budge it even a little. I kept wanting to give up and cry but eventually I got it turned round to full. Then, I felt the side and felt it was beginning to get warm and settled back in bed thinking the shaking would stop soon. It didnt. I mmust have been in bed for 45 minutes by this point, and everything was beginning to ache. I tried mental tricks to get myself to relax, physically unclenched my muscles, but if I held my teeth still so they didnt chatter, my body still trembled, and if I held that still little outlying regions of me vibrated like my toes and my hips. well, I remember what felt like another half an hour, and then I must have slept, but it was in small pieces. I had strange frustrating nightmares, the kind that only serve to make you frown, trying to solve puzzles, or stack things on for them to fall down, running from monsters and being told off by people. Everyttime I woke up I hoped I'd feel better but I didnt. The shaking stopped but then I felt too hot and had to stagger out of bed at one point for water. I seriously wonderd if I was dying, if I had something badly wrong with me. At one point I thought of texting people to say how ill I felt, but when I tried to move, I found I didnt have the stregnth to lift my arm. Eventually, 5am came, and I could see the sky getting light. I got up for more water, and felt better than before, and after that slept more or less through til 1.30pm, when flatmate sara came home for 5 mins so I woke up to say hi. I now feel like I have the worst hangover in the world and everything aches. I have no idea what was going on there last night. It was truly bizarre. |
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drained| isolation | ||||
| 07:21pm 21/03/2005 | ||||
There wont be anyone else in this house for something approaching a week :-( I miss....well..let's not get into that. I spoke to my mum and she said the money she gave me was because I didnt have any to enjoy at the moment and it was "enjoyment" money and should be spent guilt free, so I bought the GHD's. I'm still not sure if it was the right thing, but 3 years is a long time to like something and want it. Wish they had been cheaper tho... seeing Ju tommorrow for coffee and gossip at cafe Nero in town. There's a lot to catch up with :-) Very, suddenly, horribly, alone. |
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lonely| listening to my brothers excellent guitar playing coming from upstairs | ||||
| 09:49am 21/03/2005 | ||||
Dentists appointment was cancelled on the grounds that the dentist was ill. They told us this as we were getting our shoes on to leave. Thankgoodness they didn't tell us when we'd already driven the hour drive to get there! Thus, I shall be catching a train around 11am and being back in Lancaster by half twelve or so. Talked to Dave last night on the phone...I like to think we cleared things up a bit but I'm not sure. I took the softly-softly approach and just talked about it gently - using the time honoured technique of saying "I have a problem" or "I feel this" rather than the accusatory "you did this" "you make me feel like this". basically said that I wasn't the sort of person who could stand by and not be bothered by the person they like kissing other girls. I think I implied that if such things were going to happen on a regular basis, he could count me out. I made it a discussion, rather than me being hurt and upset. I know we aren't officially seeing each other, but personally I don't want to see anyone else, and I kind of hoped he felt the same. Anyway, I half jokingly asked him to think about how he'd feel if it was me kissing other guys. I told him I wanted him to be happy, but I didn't want me to unhappy just to make it so. I told him I didn't mind if he met someone else he wanted to date, and that then I'd just cut myself off and get on with getting over him, but that I couldnt still be his date, say coupley things to him etc if I knew he was off kissing other girls randomly. I asked him how likely it was to occur again and he said not at all really. Don't get me wrong, I wove this all carefully into the conversation, I didn't do it in a scary confrontational way. I just....needed to know where I stood, I guess. It didn't take up much of the time we were talking...we talked for hours! (at least two...) and I kept him up a bit late considering he has work...oops...we planned all the great things we're going to do when he visits. The thing is, I like him, but all this being non-official is confusing for me, and I can't help holding out a hope that when he gets accepted to Lancaster, he'll want to make things official. I can see where he's coming from - if we make things official he will commit himself fully in terms of emotional ties, and then if I turn out to be a bitch I'll break his heart...It's a self preservation thing, I can see that. Especially if we said we were going out and then he didnt get accepted, so we had to break things off because we were never going to be at the same end of the country... But... it means I'm getting hurt. I like boundaries, rules, set terms. I'd like it better if we could define things, set behaviour that was ok and that which was not. Le sigh. I will make time for this discussion when he comes to stay. He keeps saying he wishes I was his girlfriend. I wish I was. I wish he'd ask me out. But if thats not what he wants... been reading hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, courtesy of my brother who leant it to me, on the orders of a certain flatmate who was appalled that I'd only seen the t.v adaptation :-p I intend to shop this afternoon. As for the GHD's...we'll see.... |
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| being an anxty teen-type & writing crap anxty poetry.(well, I dont think its crap, but I bet it is) | ||||
| 01:51pm 20/03/2005 | ||||
I had a small soft toy cat with me that I'd brought from Lancaster and both mornings I have stayed here, when I woke up I was still clutching it, which is pretty weird for me...Normally if I have plushies in my bed they get thrown at the opposite wall sometime in the night, or mashed down the side of the mattress. I dont do it on purpose O_o... So yup, I'm feeling better about everything today. Some rather violent poetry thrashed out my feelings for me last night. You can see the result at http://www.fictionpress.com/~princessselphie but don't go thinking that it shows my exact feelings...I took the theme of jealousy and made it about a hundred times more extreme than I was actually feeling. What I felt was middle-mild jealousy coupled with disappointment. What the poem depicts is suicidal tendencies, raging jealousy, and utter despair. So, uh, yeah, the girl? In the poem? She isnt me. Just bear that in mind :-p Going out walking to some country park type place in an hour or so. Still not sure about buying GHD's... shouldnt I save the money? Or what about a shopping trip for tons of anime and manga? bah... it's confusing. There's no such thing as guilt free spending. |
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okay| omnia meliorem videntur cum latino ait | ||||
| 12:13am 20/03/2005 | ||||
also, an hour ago I slipped when reaching from a book and as I fell I kneeled on my hair straightners and they broke :-s .... which must mean some higher power wants me to buy GHD's :-D ...gotta keep looking on the plus side, right? No point moping. I'll have my april week of happiness, and after that, well, we'll see, but I'll definately have to have a mention about where things are going between us. |
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| Can't it be simpler than this? | ||||
| 11:54pm 19/03/2005 | ||||
He told me this in a text and then he rang me. It's funny, because I don't have a leg to stand on. I agreed to this...setup...even though I knew I was fundementally a jealous person. So, really, I shouldnt have been surprised that it happened. And I shouldnt have expected some sort of....remorse, perhaps? I didn't really expect it, and well, he seemed oblivious to the fact I was not happy, that I was hurting. Bearing in mind that I had no right to feel even the teensiest bit annoyed, I swallowed my pain and joked "tell me all about this girl then, Im dying of jealousy" In a happy tone. Thought that was the best way to handle things, because it let him know that I was jealous, but not in a scary way. So, he tells me how she kissed him, he kissed back but didnt like it, how it hurt because she was too violent. I make tentative remarks to ascertain if he plans to see/kiss her again, but don't really get anything concrete apart from the fact he dosent "want" to see her again. Which sort of implies he will anyway, grudgingly. When we get right down to it, I've got no right to be hurting. Stupid foolish me. ah...yes...isnt this my cue? "I told you so." um... and anyway... I don't really know how to go from here. I know that all along what I wanted was to be his girlfriend and him to be my boyfriend. I know I only agreed to the current set-up because it was this or nothing I know that if I said something along the lines of "I cant deal with you being with other people, so can we either be exclusive or shall I start investing my feelings elsewhere so I don't get hurt?" because if I do, and that's kinda like an ultimatum, I know he'll pick the seccond part, because he dosent do long distance. But...feck. It really stings. And if he comes and visits for a week as planned, on the 1st? If I fall for him, in love with him, and then the same thing happens again? And yet I'm nervous about issuing ultimatum type things before that juncture because I really want to have that week with him, even if after that, it's all over. Maybe after that week is a good time. You know, if he said "Ive fallen for someone, I want to be her boyfriend" I'd cut things off, recover, and go my own way slightly regretfully, without there being too much of a problem, but as things stand, it feels a bit like he wants to have his cake and eat it...he gets to kiss other girls but still come up and be coupley with me :-( I'm not sure if thats me being too cynical, but is there any point me being this unhappy, if he's getting everything he wants and making me miserable in the process? Am I being too harsh? Am I being too prudish, too old fashioned? Is it terribly outdated to believe that when you like someone, you dont *want* to do anything with anyone else? I mean, geez, two other guys out there want to date me supposedly, but still I choose him. And why? Because I like him too much to fall for them, that's why. Can't it be the same? |
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jealous| Hazy march evening | ||||
| 06:01pm 19/03/2005 | ||||
My parents took me for a curry, for free I got to see my brother and have a rant with him about all that is wrong in the world (He's wonderfully left-wing and has a very sharp mind) I got a decent nights sleep, AND woke up early so I didn't waste any of the day My parents gave me a £15 voucher for New Look as an easter present I persauded them to let me have next terms money now - cash crisis averted Dave texted me lot's and said nice things My sister turned up and had made me a new cd of songs she thought I'd like I got to go shopping with my sister and have a laugh I got a new skirt and top with the voucher - all chocolate and burnt orange colours..mmm! I got to sit out the front of the house in the sun with a book and a glass of wine for hours I went for a lovely walk in the park with my parents and my dog this evening in the last of the sun My mum randomly gave me £100 when I asked for the train fare she'd said she'd pay for me. (thats £85 more than I was expecting) they are going out but they say I can stay in and make homemade soup with all their provisions, lucky lucky! ^_^ another email from interesting american guy My mum donated me loads of her old music tapes because I still use a walkman at the moment My mum gave me her shoes she bought in Paris because "they leak in the rain" they are beautiful little things, a cross between ankle boots and shoes, in black with a buckle on the side. Very expensive and well made! Bad things that have happened since coming home: Dave told me he had been kissed by a girl last night :-( from what he's said, she was scary and just launched herself at him, he even said it hurt. (yes, I know, I hear you "but you aren't being exlusive yet, you are allowed to kiss others" erm...not my idea. His. I'm fundementally a too jealous person to deal with this. It hurts.) I texted back asking jokingly if he kissed her back. No reply yet. He gave me the impression in the first text that he pretty much just stood there while it happend, shocked, and didnt kiss back. As things stand, he's free to kiss other girls, but... :-( I like him a lot. And I don't do sharing. Am I being too cynical if I wonder if this is why he dosent want to be my boyfriend? Or would this sort of thing happen even if we were only allowed to kiss each other, because all over the world you will get drunk people who will launch themselves at you in clubs, and there's nothing anyone can do? :-( I don't want to get hurt.... anyway, I'm not that bothered, just a little dismayed, and the good things today far outweigh the bad. What will I spend my money on? There's the allure of GHD's, but that would mean my money all being gone in one swoop.... There's clothes but I already have quite a lot, even if they are ones I dont like. I feel the urge to actually spend it on something concrete rather than have it disappear in little bits on thing I wont remember buying later, like coffees and trips to the cinema and drinks in bars, and lunch out. Maybe I'll save it, or even buy a graphics tablet...hrm... Invites for my party! Being made! I'll be asking many people, but if anyone wants to come and I havent asked them in about a week, feel free to speak up, I probably just managed to think I'd invited you but hadnt, knowing my ditzyness :-s |
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| weirdness | ||||
| 01:55pm 18/03/2005 | ||||
I mean, I knew it did happen, but I had a suspcicion that the unobtainable ice queen act had to be paired with good looks to create the desired effect. Now I'm beginning to think differently. I mean, I'm far from good looking, and yet... 3 men in a month telling me they like me? And two of them knowing that I'm after someone other than them? The third one knowing he had even less chance than the other two? The third one came as a surprise, I really had no idea. Last night, he told me, and I just went 0_o .... what?!? It really shocked me.It was flattering and sweet, and nice, but I felt guilty for not having noticed, and for not being able to return the feelings. I'd never thought about him that way at all - possibly because of mental barriers I put up when he was unobtainable, but when I first met him he scared me a little because he was "cool" so to find someone I looked up to in some sort of awe liked me,geez, it's odd beyond belief. He's a great guy, and I like him a lot as a friend, but I find it really hard to look at people "that" way after they've been someone elses boyfriend. I never want to fall for somone elses boyfriend, so I just never let my mind go there and even when the relationship is over I stay in the same mindset. He is good looking, I thought that when I met him first, but - never going to happen. So, here's my theory, that the newest addition only likes me because he knows I don't like him that way. Is that possible? I can't see why else he would like me. So now, as if my ego needed more boosting, we have 1: the guy who fell for me because I liked him first (sent him a valetine) prooving that my attention is a flattering thing not a scary thing for some guys 2: the guy who liked me initially for my looks (dave) and thinks I am physically his type...actually seems to believe I'm cute...so this prooves to some guys, I am actually good looking (this is perhaps hardest to believe) 3: and as of last night, the guy who grew to fancy me by spending time getting to know my personality - but whose physical type Im not..prooving that I can grow on people and my personality is attracitve in its own right (again, hard to believe) with three sets of proof, supposedly that I'm good looking, have a good personality, and that my affection is flattering, you would have thought I'd like myself a little better wouldnt you? and yet... |
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anxious| all typed out and exhausted... | ||||
| 05:17pm 17/03/2005 | ||||
This has been a sucky day. It sucked. I miss when things seemed slower paced. Busy day tommorrow! |
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| I need to mope | ||||
| 05:17pm 16/03/2005 | ||||
I knew this week was my dissertation week, but I hadn't had any emails about it, and there was nothing on the board about it, so I looked back at my email from the start of the term about the week 1 meeting, and sure enough it says: the meeting at the end of term will be Wednesday, 2-4pm, Bowland A39. So where do I go today? Yep, to the meeting. And is there anyone there? Is there feck. Decide I must be in the wrong place somehow, but can't figure out why. Head back here, check email again, week 9, not week ten. Smeg. Every other fecking class has it in week 10, but noooo, ours had to be last week. Hope I'm not in trouble. Emailing her now. Other things... well, last night we all took off to asda in the car ("go-go asda mobile!" said sara engergetically) because everyone was hungry but no one had any food. That was fun enough in it's own way, although I managed to convince myself that I needed new blades for my razor, which worked out pretty expensive. I mean, I needed them, my razor is blunt as a butter knife and I havent changed it in eons, but still, the price is more than I can afford. Still, what's a girl to do? Never shave? Never wear a skirt again? Spend loads of money on hair removal cream instead? *sigh* Been emailing an interesting person recently, a guy in America...I reviewed one of his poems, he reviewed one of mine back and said he liked my profile. I went and had a look at his and thought he had some really interesting ideas and hobbies, and we started emailing each other. I like having random people to talk to. He's a bit young for me to be chasing as a potential date, but he's interesting as a person, and I can chat to guys without having that sort of interest in them sometimes ^_~ It's windy outside. I want to go out there and mope about missing the meeting, and be all dramatic with my super long scarf blowing in the wind. However, I am also lazy. deary, deary me... not really looking forward to going home this weekend. My mum will pay my train fare but I still have to get the train both ways which always sucks with the ammount of stuff I have to carry home to entertain/feed/clothe myself for a weekend. I have the dentist on monday back home, which is never fun. It certainly dosent seem like 6 months since the last visit. I have no fear of the dentist, as the last time they did anything to my teeth I was 7, and everytime since has just been a routine check up but it's such a *chore*...mind you, my step dad said "lucky you" when I told him, and meant it, because he has to be at work at that point. I guess it's all relative. Today I can't draw girls it seems. I must have tried half a dozen scetches when I was waiting for anime soc time, and none of the girls came out any good. Then I tried a chibi Marcus look-a-like, and suddenly *ping*! My (not exactly perfect) talent reappears! Pretty curly hair abounds! I can't believe this is week ten already. Whatever happened to this year? |
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annoyed| fun, fun, fun. | ||||
| 03:17pm 15/03/2005 | ||||
Tuesday it is, then. First stop will be the university careers service to see if they can advise me on what to do with the tattered remains of my future plans. Next stop will be the jobcenter in town. I'm so poor, I really ought to not be choosy, however I want, if I can help it, to avoid bar work, and anything at all to do with catering. No cafe's, no restraunts, no serving food to elderly folk at their care home, no canteens. Zilch. I've worked in quite a few shop like environments and I swear, there's no pressure like the pressure one feels in a kitchen. Somehow the prescence of food turns everyone into manic panicking fools. So unless there is no other way, I'll be staying away from food prep. I'll be sending out C.V's to places I can only dream of working in too. Like libraries. *sigh*. Basically, apparently my chances of getting an interview at St Martins are pretty slim now. It looks like I'll be taking a year out, unless things change a lot. My own silly fault for handing in forms so late. Anyway, I'll welcome a year of routine and cash. It might even help me lose a little weight to be on my feet all day rushing around. Just need to try and have something secured by the end of the hols so I can relax and focus on my exams and dissertation and such. also, my ipod mini has been orderd, a joint present from my mother and two of my flatmates *hugs them* it's pink. I'm not allowed it til my birthday though even if it arrives before. |
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bitchy| fuzzy felt! | ||||
| 02:15pm 15/03/2005 | ||||
Today I'm really down. I mean, I know tons of people who are more down than me, but I'm down. It's three things mainly, and none of them are going to go away, so I shall deal with it. Must hoover some time today too...hrm... Have also spent a lot of time pruning and refining my collection at fictionpress because I looked at it the other day and thought "by god I don't half have some shite on here"...ok, so there are some people who would think all my work is shite, but, anyway, I pruned it so that the worst of the hunch are now gone, maybe 6 or 7 poems, and I corrected and worked on the rest of the bunch. Less typos now that I've been meaning to fix for years. The end result is at: http://www.fictionpress.com/~princessselphie I havent added any new poems as such, but I did seperate two up that were sharing the same page and put the seccond one under a different title. I'll be doing a little more changing, but mostly just of their desriptions now. |
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scared
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queenselphie |
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Friends Info Calendar My art |
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