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[31 Dec 2007|02:23am] [ mood | full ] huge life transition the past few months i'm reading these old entries and i can barely feel a connection to the person who wrote all that. NEW PLAN: i'm currently in the process of finding a job....i'm going to work my ass off and make as much money as i can, start at moraine next year, then in two years after i land some sort of safety degree, i'm going to take off. where...i am unsure but i have a long list of places in my mind. Spending my life in the same teeny tiny fraction of the world and barely seeing what else this place has to offer ....is not something i am comfortable with. gonna get up and GO GO GO ...also just binged on pizza and ice cream, but i have to hold it down. if i purge now this is going to start a whole new pattern of binging and purging every night. i am going to try to burn some calories and do some crunches and use it as a motivator to get back on track instead. god damn it i want to purge so bad, but its too late i'ev already waited too long, and the past i dont know how many nights ive binged and purged and i just cannot let myself do this every day. RESTRICTING. WHERE IS MY SELF CONTROL?? post comment

time is the longest distance between two places [01 Nov 2006|06:08pm] [ mood | blank ] When I think about it, it makes my head spin, and now all I do is sit and spin and sip and spin, knowing ill return again. Time, you are a magic bubble, and I'm about to pop you. I'd like some time to compensate for what we've wasted. I'd like some air to breath, I need some space to breath. If it were so easy then I would go back to sleep, but there are some leftovers on my plate, and i've got to finish all thats on my plate. i don't know where i'm going, i don't know where you've been. i know that ill return again. i know that ill return again. post comment

This place is a prison, these people aren't your friends. [16 Oct 2006|07:42pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | The Lost Patrol. ] all we do is party and get wasted, get high, get with....eachother is everyone equally fucked up and these are all just things we do to forget whats going on inside our heads? i am sick of living every day the same. i am sick of lying to myself and to everyone around me. i refuse to rot here, like this. post comment

Ignorance is bliss [16 Oct 2006|07:37pm] [ mood | cold ] when you are the most content with life and yourself and your problems: is it when you take a break from getting all your shit done and take time to sit down and think and let your creative juices begin to flow.... when you put off all of the "important" things that are going to make your future better and brighter...when you sit down, are completely honest with yourself and not blocking out anything from entering your head. is this when things are OK or "good"? or are things running much more smoothly when you have all your shit "together". together meaning you are doing everything that you SHOULD be doing. getting along with your parents, your family, taking care of yourself, doing homework and studying and getting good grades and going out and being social and eating healthy and youre so HAPPY! it gets so tiring when your neck is craned for so god damn long looking in the other direction, though, doesn't it? when youre so busy doing everything you are supposed to be doing, it's a lot easier to be oblivious to what you really are thinking because you're thinking about THE SYSTEM and how you are so, so deep in it. so deep, in fact, that it keeps you from thinking about any other system that may be your own. (not like that should matter or anything...) is it not easier to be stressed out about school and that you have to clean your room than it is to be NOT stressed because you DON'T care and are too freaked out by whats actually happening? if you're not distracted, if you aren't busy, and if you take a little too much time to think....what always happens? something like a chronic meltdown? a continuous feeling of being right on the edge. why is everyone telling us that the right things to do are: get good grades, go to college, make friends, dont use drugs, dont drink, dont smoke, dont have sex, dont associate yourself with people who do any of these things, don't stay out late, get enough sleep, eat right, exercise, get INVOLVED.... it's a long list that goes on forever, and if we keep checking things off the list, it will forever keep us socially acceptable and "on track." i dont know which is worse, being oblivious and feeling ok with the occasional meltdown every time you get a glimpse of whats happening, or realizing all too much at once. p.s. i realize this was all fragments and run ons and mispellings and grammar mistakes, and that the only person this will ever make sense to is the person who i embody right now. post comment

[22 Jul 2006|05:25pm] [ mood | scared ] I had a horrible fucking expirience yesterday. Drugs are no good. No good. I could not think one sober thought see one sober thing don't fucking do drugs. I was in a 1970's dollhouse and it was rocking back and forth and there were monsters in the windows and police officer at the door and i couldn't think one sober thought, i was praying to see something real. i just prayed to see something real. Went outside, some dude walked me outside, dropped me on the floor, I'm passed the fuck out under my friends car. fucking hallucinating cop cars everywhere. fucking can't see straight. can't feel shit. finally muster up enough strength to stand, vomit everywhere, get in the car. it was a fucking miracle we made it home ok. when i was lying on that ground i was praying so hard, I was 99% sure I was going to end up in the hospital last night. and I didn't and no one even got in trouble for it, no cops, no nothing. Yesterday was a fucking miracle that is absolutely all I have to say. I know there is a God after yesterday. There's two things that will come out of this. Never wanting to touch anything that is bad for me EVER again. Or now I'm going to think that I'm invinsable. 2 comments|post comment

[15 Jul 2006|03:15pm] TOday is a schmooly-all-day-day. schmooly=pot smoking. i haven't even done it more than....15 times but it seems everytime that i do i like it more and more. BAD. anyways. i already ate cereal today. i'm gonna try to just have like a pop today or something. a sucker, maybe. i'll need SOMETHING. butttt.....i don't know. thats it. tomorrow im taking swing dancing lessons. its from 7-8 and then 9-11 is like "free dancing" my friend is making me do it were getting all dolled up, should be fun. i'm doing OK. i shouldn't have had cereal, but my dad pretty much poured it and was like "eat it." so i did. yep. boys suck, too. i'm wondering what's so wrong with my personality where i'm never desired for it. just as a hook up buddy. never anything more. Not that i'm even looking for a serious relationship or anything, just to be desired as something more as a hookup would be nice. I wish I could just find a guy who was silly and not afraid to make an ass of himself and who will dance in the car and sing in the car with me...with green eyes. and some one who can hold a goddamn conversation GOD is that SO HARD? i don't know. I'm going shopping onnnn......sometime this week. eeeeh. i dont know. dont know. horrible...week. month. SUMMER. i shouldn't say that. later. 1 comment|post comment

I hope what goes around really does come around. [01 Jul 2006|05:08pm] [ mood | indescribable ] I do not understand how you can put some one who's never done a goddamn thing to you in four years through so much pain and mind games. How it's possible for that person to do the most specificly horrible, personal, stab you in the stomach type things, for pleasure almost it seems. just to see how far he could push me. are people really like that? is he really like that? could he possibly know what he's doing to me? I just wanna know that. If he knows what he does to me, that i hopped out my window to see if you could actually make that a jump, that i counted how many tylenol PMs I had left (29) just in case. I really thought that the LAST time I wouldn't have been able to take it, but I made myself strong, and I dealt with it, and we even started talking. I couldn't imagine there would be another time and on top of that only about 5 months later. Maybe he's really in love with her. maybe he LIKES her missing teeth. maybe they have a care and understanding. I don't know. I can't let myself cry about it right now. I can't I won't. I feel like there is nothing motivating me to live right now, I really do. Ya know I'm a good person, and I've given him so much care and love, and not just that, i'm....i haven't done anything. he's the only person who knows that one thing. that terrible thing that i couldn't tell ANYONE about for four years. he knows that i'm not stable. i think he gets off on knowing that no matter what he does, no matter how hard it hits me, that hell always be able to come back. not this time. this is my chance i guess. Instead of making a terrible person worthy of me taking my own life, I'm going to make a terrible person set me off to do everything for myself. I'M in controll of my own life, I can be happy. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy, and maybe it's not right in front of me right now, but maybe I can make it. I have controll. I'm not going to even put any effort to THAT anymore. I'm going to get organized, I'm going to make myself busy, I'm going to get out and have fun abd be YOUNG and I'm gonna make this make me stronger. and strong enough to say no and stand my ground, I've always been able to "hold my own" except when it came to him. I don't give a damn. I'm going to do what I want. I don't belong to him. It's tainted and far beyond repair, so I'm not even going to consider it as a future...possibility. 3 comments|post comment

An Insomniac's Nightmare [30 Jun 2006|10:47am] [ mood | accomplished ] Still 134 this morning. But it's ok, because like I said I'm still bloated and waiting to get my period, so after that I'll be about 132 and then after the loss of fat catches up with the muscle gain, I'll probably lose a lot at once. I'm pretty in touch with my body, so I'm guessing that's what will happen. Today I just had that cereal with the strawberries and im finishing a cup of coffee. I'm gonna run on the treadmill, do crunches and some pilates on my legs. Yesterday i did good, i didn't last 2 hours on the treadmil, but an hour and a half, still good. TODAY i have plans! I'm not sure what I'm doing but hanging out with my friends darcy kate and dom. who knows who else. I guess Darc just got a gallon of vodka and a 24 case of miller, so we'll probably be drinking. I might be able to resist, but probably not. Maybe I'll just get a buzz going. If i dont eat the rest of the day, and then just have a banana before I drink I might be ok, because we'll probably go see dom's friends band play and dance and sweat off all the alcohol. I don't know, whatever. I'M GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE TONIGHT!!!! This is a triumph! it's been like, over a week I think. Also. Last night I couldn't fall to sleep and I was crying and laying in bed, one of those PMS nights where you just think of everything bad thats ever happened/happening to you, and I started to sing this song to myself, just made up words, and then a lot of words just came to me and it all just fit together so perfectly, I know it's cheesy, but like it felt so GOOD i was crying a little bit but i MEANT it so much and it wasn't a poem like i usually write, it was a song, and so I started singing it and I recorded it onto my phone, just like a minute of it and it sounds GOOD. i like how my voice sounds singing it and I like how it came together and I think I liked the way it sounds because i just MEANT it. It was a really great, great feeling. I'm gonna work up the nerves to let some one listen to the recording of it tonight and see what they have to say. I'm trying to find it, I'm trying to feel it I'm trying to be there Trying to fall asleep I'm trying to reach you, but you can't feel me I'm trying to lie there, trying to fall asleep I'm trying to figure out Why I wanna leave this place Why I can't fall to sleep Why I can't live without wanting to be in that place I'm gonna live there-in that dead ol' place I can't breath here, I wanna swallow there I wanna touch what I can't feel So could you promise me a place in the next time Where I won't want to fall asleep Don't wanna be here, oh don't you put me here again. I just wanna be there-in that dead ol' place I wish you knew that you keep me from falling in too deep, oh what I crave so sweet Won't you save me, a spot here next time Where I won't want to rest So don't forget me Tell me what you need I hope we meet there and not...in....that....dead ol' place.... I know it sounds stupid and simple and silly, but it just meant a lot when i was writing it....it has like 3 meanings for me, and I don't know, the melody that it's sung in flows with the song and I want to eventually use it. ............thats all........ 1 comment|post comment

Breakfast at Tiffany's [28 Jun 2006|01:02pm] [ mood | okay ] SO I'm definitly a hermit....haven't left the house in three days pretty much except to go to blockbuster and get Breakfast at Tiffany's and Sonny. James Franco is the hottest person ever, but seeing him fuck a bunch of fat housewives, not so cool. It was sad though, made me cry a little. But the movie only allows you to cry for about one second, and it was directed by Nicholas Cage? Weird... Good though. Then Breakfast at Tiffany's. Never fails to disapoint me. I've always considered myself a Marilyn girl much more than an Audrey Hepburn girl, but she was great. ANYWAYS I feel myself getting alittle thinner. I'm at 134 now, which is probably more like 132 because I'm all bloated and PMSy I had to make myself throw up yesterday which is no good, but whatever. Today I haddd: yogurt: 130 cals green tea: 40 cals big cup of coffee with french vanilla: 160 cals? a few rasberries and grapes: like 5 cals Soo im at 335. I'm probably going to have a little sushi later which will be +200 calories. I'd rather eat it today and be at 640 calories, rather than wait til tomorrow when its not as fresh. I'm going to exercise though and take a LOOONNGGG shower (i feel so smelly and gross right now) and then FINALLY clean my room and organize everything. I've been saying that I will do that for so long and never getting around to doing it!!! I really need to go out. i keep telling everyone that im busy but i really should go out and i know that. I've only had one cig today too which is good! I kindwa want another, but I'll last. I'll probably need one later on tonight, but that's ok. I'll probably quit around september, but I'm kind of scared to because of how much I know that I will snack when i do :( ehhhhh whatever. right now feeling hungry feels real good, i miss this. Ok, well...i'm gonna go do my stuff. post comment

drench yourself in perfume to cover up the stench of tobacco and vomit. [27 Jun 2006|05:46pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Moon River-Audrey Hepburn ] I just made myself throw up. A lot. kiLL me. i had such motivation this morning, but i ate TWO sandwhiches and some ice cream and goldfish. i had to throw it up. UGHHHH tomorrow i will have the same motivation but i will succeed as for now, I'm going to watch Breakfast at Tiffanys (Audrey Hepburn HUGE thinsperation) and then Sonny. And clean my bedroom from head to toe to try and make for a clean mind. post comment

You said you would love to die some [25 Jun 2006|06:20pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Bush-Swallowed...anyone remember this song? ] I just feel overall really depressed lately. I don't even want to go out and socialize, I'll go if I'm forced but there are few people in my life that I want to see/talk to anymore. No body did anything, really. I'm just feeling...so shitty. Like I'm a mess. My whole life is a mess I get myself into things that I know I won't be able to get myself out of...like a certain something that will have a four year aniversery this summer. Oh, by the way, the "haven't talked to the boy in 6 days thing...failed last night." I sent him a text, which he apparently didn't get. but called me at around 2 or 3 drunk and on shrooms. Good conversation, he proclaimed his love to me in front of ...i dunno how many people. Long story short, i'm temporarily sucked back into that for at least the week, still feel no control in my life. Like I just feel like I'm so cluttered. I know this sounds stupid, but I kind of want to re orginize my whole bedroom and everything. Myabe that will make for a clean slate. Start doing art again. i've been drawing, but not finishing anything. I need to...ya know. When I don't have a creative outlet I feel this way. I'm just always too stupid to realize it. Eh. I really would love to get away, but I don't even think that's going to happen this summer. So I'll just go nuts. Here I go to exercise my troubles away from a few hours. hah. SKINNY! 1 comment|post comment

Tripple X- Pornography vs. Hardcore Scene Kids. [01 Jun 2006|06:24pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | The Karabal Nightlife-listen to them!!! ] Hello Blurty! I've deleted you once, and I'll delete you again...just not this summer. I have nothing to do with my life/self this summer. I know I'm going to spend half of it wasted which will be good, but I also know that it is going to fly by before I know it and then there's school again. I basically just joined Blurty again so that I could join "Yourstarvingme" community for inspiration. I am bound and determined to be thin by the end of this summer. I am so sick of this back and forth shit. SO SICK OF IT!!!! anyways. I don't really have much else to say. I'll update when summer is in full swing. post comment

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