the word trouble doesn't even scratch the surface of what i'm getting myself into   
09:21pm 02/01/2004
mood: pissed off
music: the virgin suicides
although it's not with my boys...its with my mom. but who gives a fuck. you guys are too busy running around with your personal sex driven lives. But you know what- i don't give a fuck anymore. Funny when the really shitty stuff starts to go down i find myself alone. and that this is the only thing i got left. it's like i told them, my journals never let me down. You all may be wondering why i haven't made a rat's ass attempt to get into contact with any of you. And the honest answer is- i don't feel like it. I'm not in the mood for hidden smiles and secrets that you can't tell. You only sit there and smile about them like fucking idiot. And i guess i just feel that my life isn't something i want you guys to know about anymore. i write in here to get it out of me...and i don't give a flying fuck who reads it. the point is, this is my life, and i'm starting to have a lot of doubts about who i want in it. and right the only positives stay with 2 boys who're down in kentucky right now and who i'm extremely worried about. thats why i haven't said yes yet. or why i haven't let him ask me yet. i can't say i love you, but you know i'm fairly sure that i do love him. and when he called me at midnight i know he wanted it. but he hasn't called since and thats why i'm ok with him not calling. if i'd said it i'd have felt stupid. so now i can just sit here and worry and hope that it's going right. and that in a few months i'll be moved out and holding a job somewhere interesting. my dad is on my side. and thats good. i wish i had you guys sometimes...but your all too far gone to realize it. so just remember i don't put my private life on here so you guys can read it. i do it to get it out...and because i'm not embarassed about the things i've done. like some people must be. this is my life, so don't think i'm writing any of this for you guys. it's for me- not you. and if i felt like pouring out the hell my life is twisting into then i'd give you a fucking call. but hey- i don't hear the phone ringing from you guys. Only him, so i might as well give it up. i don't want you around.

(1 year older| we grew older, but we're still young)

heehee, i'm bound to end up in trouble over this...   
12:06am 30/12/2003
mood: happy
music: see the picture that we took last fall..lala...PGMG
but i love them both what can i say!

damn sexy
really fun truck!
wants me naked in his bed

knows me so well
:( drug dealer
already claim his love and devotion forever again

the low-down
i've spent the past two days with my two boys, the biggest news. I can't let Branden go, but i may also be getting back together with andy.

i don't know
i really don't. i can't tell andy i love him. and i love cuddling with branden and making andy jealous about us. but nothing compares to the feeling i get when andy's holding me and drying my tears. he just makes me feel good...but so does branden. i like sitting in branden's truck between them and wrapping an arm around each one and grinning like a possum about them- my two favorite guys. But i know that me and b are just friends. and i'm not sure andy can contain himself to just me...and i guess only time'll tell. i hope we get to do something tomorrow. i love spending time with them. right now they're all i got and the closest friends i got. guess i'll let you know more as it happens...i just wish i had andy with my for new years..its our first one apart...but who cares...

branden wants sex, i'm not sure i can give now...
andy gets jealous about branden and me...

this could get messy
but until then i'm having fun

(we grew older, but we're still young)

you he never called, i had something to say   
01:45pm 27/12/2003
mood: dirty
music: billy talent- the ex
yesterday was......i don't know...let me explain and then you'll see

i woke up late from another night of not sleeping. I don't think my eyes shut until 6 am again but i couldn't sleep still. All i could think about was Branden and Andy. Around 4am i found myself engulfed in tears because i realize that my feelings for andy are still very strong and i wish i could kill them. After leafing through all 3 of the yearsbooks i finally found some rest. I teared up again during the freshman yearbook because i kept finding andy. and then i look PB up in all of them, he looks the same. I was surprised. he feels so far from me know. And i wish i had the guts to call him and say, hey i know we don't know each other very well, but i'd really like to get to know you and do something with him over break. But that'll never happen because he makes my knees weak. And not many guys do anymore. So anyway. I desperately wanted to see Branden and Andy. Yes, both of them. and surprise surprise i got my wish.
After i woke up finally i wandered into the kitchen were my parents were having coffee and i casually asked them if anything was happening today and if it'd be alright if i took a drive out to Branden's house. My mom reluctantly said yes, and my dad said sure- he never seems to care much. Spring-boarded into a happy mood, i called Branden up and told him the good news. But he said he was busy, doing something with brother i think, dampened my spirits a little, but he promised to call when he was back. And i decided not to let it take a hold of me. I sought out my mom and asked her what she was doing today. Bank, groceries, usual boring stuff she laughed. she asked me if i was going over there, and i said probably, but he's with his brother right now. So she asked me to come to with her. I almost declined- i wanted to make sure i got Branden's call. But then i realized, there was no way in hell i was gonna sit aroiund and wait for that guy to call. So i said sure. I mean i'd already took a shower and started to make myself look presentable because i wanted to be ready when Branden called. So me and my mom went out shopping in Flushing just like we use to grade school and it was fun. Me and mom popped into the drug store for some tylenol and shit when finally, my phone rang. Delighted i answered it- so rarely does this fucking phone ring and it kills me. He asked me when i was coming over and i got to say it: sorry i'm busy with my mom right now- i'll call you when i get home. So, we finished out shopping, and headed home, and me thinking the whole time about whether we'd really do something tonight. I called him after helping my mom unload the groceries. he was bummed when i broke the news that my mom didn't want me driving after dark- which had already hit, it was around 6. So he offered to pick me up, he's got an old truck but 4wd. So i pleaded my mom to ok it. To my surprise she said, ok- that'd be ok. I told him the good news and he promised to be right over after he took a shower. I was happy- truly happy. i even put on eyeliner- which i haven't done for awhile. I ate a ham sandwhich with my parents- it was digusting but i ate it anyway. And then retreated to my room for somemore primping until he got here. And then he was there, standing in the porch lights in torn jeans and a black carhart coat. I'm sorry- but he looked really really good. I hugged a goodbye and asked my mom when she wanted me home by, she smiled and said "not too late" and branden noted that that was an interesting time and i joked- ok see you guys in the morning and took off him. He wrapped an arm around my waist we climbed into his truck. He's got a bench seat for the front seat so i could cuddle up right against him while he drove. He wrapped an arm around me and i rested my head inbetween his shoulder and his neck and he rested his head on top of mine. We sand along to radio and he joked about road head and i told him i was really in the mood and both had a good laugh about and i told him there was always the ride home. We ended up at his house eventually we headed into his room like usual. I was shocked to find andy sitting there on one of branden's computers playing a video game. But smiled because he looked hot- and his sly smile had always been a turn on. I gave him an awkward hug and told it was good to see him. Then Branden's brother asked about his hug and i happily complied. His brother always makes me smile. Even if he does get a little touchy- last night he was good about it. They started arguing about ciggs and pop- and finally concluded that branden and me would run to the store to get some more. His brother wanted to come and Branden was hesistant- he wanted it to be just me and him- but then his brother mention that he wanted to get something that Branden wasn't old enough to buy and that resolved that issue. So i sat in the middle between then and branden kept an arm around me most of the time. Some where between the liquor store and the gas station, branden's bro got really pissy. It made me laugh because he was acting like a girl. And the whole time i was pretty happy except when they offered to get me high. i almost punched branden and told don't talk about drugs to me, and he shouldn't be doing them. He backed off like a dog with his tail between his legs and i cheered back up. We headed back Branden's house and back to his room. His brother disappeared and me, Branden, and Andy stayed in his room. Me and branden cuddled on his bed and andy played his video games and sat arounnd talked about nothing for a long time. Branden's bro ordered pizza so we headed out to the living room and i watched them eat and me and andy laughed at each other and about some stuff that happened while we'd dated. And for the first time we laughed together. And fuck i wanted him. But i got to cuddle up with branden- his arm around me my hand resting on his stomach and my head on his shoulder. And occaisonly he'd gently kiss me on my forehead, and i'd look up at him with a big smile. He's such a sweetheart. We eventually headed back to his room for awhile. We laid in his bed and he pulled a balnket over us and pulled my hand over, silently asking for a hand job. I laughed and preformed him his first service of the female race- i love being a guy's first. But it was kinda weird with andy and his bro in the room. but branden's brother disappeared again and then me and andy headed back to the living to talk- just the two of us. One of branden's bro's friends came over. i don't remember his name- but he was a good looking guy who smiled at me and promised to hit on me. it was weird but made me laugh. Branden's bro started joking about Branden and me in the bed and his friend grabbed Branden's dick and started screaming it was hard and it was hilarious. he sat donw by me and put an arm around me because he wanted touch a girl now because he felt like a homo. But andy and me finally got to talk, and not much was said. except some thing i wanted him to know, i don't hate him- but i missed him. He wrapped his arms around me and told me that he hasn't found a girl like me, and he's been looking- but there wasn't anyone like me. Then we kissed- not made out- just a kiss. Well- then he tried it again, and i laughed and told him that he lost his chance. And he told me that he wanted me and i told him about my early morning tears over him and we kissed again. But we headed out to the living room because Branden was getting kinda annoyed that andy was getting attention- don't think he knew we kissed- and i kinda hope andy didn't tell him. I didn't mean to- it just kinda happened, and it felt so right- and it felt good. Branden's bro and his friend left to buy more alcohol and branden wanted to take me home so he could get back there and get drunk. I laugh- in his shoes i'd have done the same thing. Juts we were gonna leave Andy stuck his head out the front door and beckoned branden back inside. And then he ran out the truck where i was waiting. He hugged me and again, and told me again he wanted me, and i kissed his neck and told him to leave me alone. Branden ushered him out of the truck and Andy pleaded with him to invite me over. He never did, but andy's desire for it (and perhaps me) made me wish branden would. We headed off and in due time Branden got his second hand job and the pleaded with me for a road head. I remember the one thing andy had said before i left- don't let him make you do anything you don't want, and thats whne i kissed him, i knew that he much still care alittle. But something happened and i let branden drag me into- he leaned over and kissed me for the first time. And i started feeling like i owed him it. So we drove off into the country roads by my house, found a desolate area- pulled over and i gave him what he want. he came fast and it was funny because his brother had told me earlier that he would because he's never been with a girl before. And his spermy shit got all over his shirt and it was funny- no offence- but his was nasty shit. I know you guys don't want to know this, but andy tasted good atleast - lol. he ended up taking his shirt off and i smiled at him. That boy looks incredible without a shirt on. We found our way back to my house by been in the car for almost an hour and a half. But he got exactly what he wanted. he kissed me once before i got out of the car and i smiled and said goodbye. As usual i didn't tell him to call me or when we could do something again. I never ask him. I felt weird walking into my house- could my mom tell i'd just done something with him? But she never said anything, and just was happy to see me home safe. So i brought my dog in and looked her in the eye and asked her if i did the right thing. I mean i really didn't want to give him head because i want to keep him coming back. But i remember a statement he told me earlier that night- he'd come back for more. So now it's the waiting. I keep thinking the phone'll ring and he'll ask me to come over today. But part of me know he won;t. it's just something i want. But maybe it's better i don't want to start forming attachements to him. But i do want to see him. And i have nothing to do today and i'm kinda sad now. Last night i really felt like i belonged. And it was so great. hanging out with 3 cool guys and just hanging out. Without the chains of a bf/gf relationship. being able to touch andy ( like and hug him or hit him- joking stuff) and know that no one'll care. And cuddling up with Branden just because we could- and because it was nice. Not because we love each other- it's all for fun. We've still got some time before his parents come home from vacation- so i hope he invites me over again. If he doesn't i don't know what i'll think. I really want to call andy and tell him that i want to do something with him- but i don't want to bug him. Just like i don't want to bug branden and ask him if we can do something because i'm stuck here with my parents again and it's driving me nuts. I have this sick feeling in my stomach- partly because i did something i know is wrong and it's catching up on me- and partly because i'm afraid Branden's not gonna want me anymore and i'm not going to be able to hang out with him anymore. And i know i'd miss it. Plus i getting back into to touch with andy and i don't want to lose that either. This is such a weird mood. That hopefully won't last. All i need one of them to get in touch with me and tlel me it;s ok that i'm still wanted around sometimes. it just feels like everything ended last night- but then again it feels like that a lot when i'm with branden. Because when the day if over- we never say i hope we do this again soon- what are you doing friday or anything like that- we smile say goodbye and eventually start talking again online. And then a every few weeks we get to be together- and it feels so right. We;re friends and i want it to stay that we. We don't belong to each other- and i wouldn't have it any other way. but right now i'm sad and lonely- none of my powers friends have called me- and i haven't called any of them either. I just wish we could plan something for this last week of vacation. Because i'm getting tired of just sitting here waiting for something to happen. I wish i lived near people. Andy and branden live like 2 miles from each other- they hang out all the time- i want that. I want people i can see everyday. Like always i want my life to change.

(we grew older, but we're still young)

your words are cancer in my mouth   
08:30pm 25/12/2003
mood: sad
music: PGMG
you know i didn't think it'd be him. I do admit that i thought about calling him yesterday just to say 'merry christmas' and that it wasn't the same without him- but i was ok. And up til my mom handed me the phone, i didn't think it'd be him. But the voice that repsonded to my hello...even if he did give me a joking disguised voice, i knew it was him. He sounded so different, he sounded like an ass and i began to wonder again why it didn't work. he started telling me about how all his ex-gf's boyfriends had threatened to kill him. and i began to wonder why he called. But then he passed the phone off to branden...and i almost cried. he wanted me to come over, but i knew that i couldn't. But i wanted to. I wanted to over there crawl into his bed and crawl inside him. I know i promised myself i wouldn't get attached..and i don't think i have beyond the point of good friends. But i wanted to feel his arms around me, or have him rest his head on my shoulder just like he use to...he's so different from andy and maybe thats the attraction.
i wasn't going to write about this in here, but i think i'm going to now. I just want it out...i want to breath. This is my first christmas without andy. I know who cares. But the last two x-mas' we've spent together...and having the holidays hit was like a punch in the stomach because i started remember all the plans we'd made for this one. And last night while i was struggling to find some sleep...i saw his face and i wanted him. I missed him. And then i found him on the line when i thought the worst was over. I don't love him anymore. But i miss his company terribly. I miss the way that he made me laugh and times he'd held me through the tears. I don't miss the fights and i don't miss the kissing the usually ended with someone's clothes coming off. I just miss being able to be him friend. I am so jealous that Branden gets to be with him so much. I don't miss the lies, the drugs, the drinking... but i do miss the hugs, the rides in his car, walking with him hand in hand down vienna road, bowling with him, laughing at his stupid jokes, his late night calls....

This has been the single worst christmas for quite some time. But not because of andy or was because of me and my sisters. First off Monday i got hit hard with a nasty flu and was immobile for 3 days with a fever of 103º I even missed christmas eve at my grandma's house. All i could do was lay on the couch and count the hours until my next dose came and with each one praying that it'd knock me out. Sleep never found me. I drift off and then awake to find i'd slept for a whole 10 minutes. And then the coughing would consume me and again i couldn't breath. Even this morning, christmas morning was painful. I didn't get to sleep until 6:00 am. And then i heard someone calling my name. and in came lizzy bouncin in telling me to wake up. I looked at my phone- 10:00...i'd actually slept for once...maybe i was getting better... But as soon as i found the enery to get off the bed it all came rushing back. I could barely keep my eyes open and they stung from the air. My head pounded and all i wanted to curl back up under that comforter and forget that i was alive. But i ended sitting down, taking my temp. and discovering that my fever was gone. I was now below the average temp and that splitting head ache beat on. I held back the tears and opened the presents and then went back to my room and went to sleep. When i woke up, my mom was asleep, my sister and her boyfriend were downstairs, my dad was in his workshop, and lizzy was gone. what a life. but my got up and we watched meet the parents again...then i took some benadryl to put me back to sleep. but it didn't work. eyelids heavy, when the opened again- 10 minutes gone by and i was wide awake.

you know i was so excited about my sisters coming home. we'd all be together as a family for once. boy was i wrong. lizzy acted like a 10 year old and jenny slouched around in her fat and whined about her boyfriend. and i wanted them gone. funny how the tides change. i remember for years being the one who loved christmas, i was always the first one up and i could never contain the excitement. but this year, it meant nothing. it was just another day.
i haven't even been able to eat any christmas cookies...i made some sunday before i got sick and was delighted with them. i smiled and thought that this year was gonna turn out right. but then i got sick, i stopped sleeping, i stopped eating, and i stopped living. i haven't been out of my house for 5 days. I'm going a little stir crazy and craving a peach white cooler or a peach daquiri with extra vodka. I missed the present exchange with lizzy and jason- a tradition of the past 4 years, i missed x-mas eve with grandma- a tradition of 17 years and i missed my joy a christmas.

the snow saddens my heart and my soul grows heavy within me. it's just one more burden strung across my back. and even right now i want to crawl back under comforter...

(1 year older| we grew older, but we're still young)

this is my biggest fear...   
02:34pm 21/12/2003
mood: confused
music: PGMG
Yesterday when driving home- i stumbled upon a thought i'd forgotten. "I waiting for someone to reach out to me and take my hand, and lead me out of this hell." Then i thought, what if it's not up to someone else to find me? What if it's up to me to do it myself? What if i need to take his hand and say "This might sound crazy- you might think i'm crazy- but all i need is this chance." I just want to forget clio. i want to forget the people, the times before andy could drive when we'd spend hours just walking around- simply just being together, all the place we'd go together, all the heart wrenching things that turned me into a suicidal mainiac...i mean this place, and these people are the reason i sniffed up white out until the thoughts went away- they were the reason i grated my wrists to a plup...i don't want this anymore. And maybe i can take PB's hand, and with that let go of any ties to Clio. Forget Branden, Andy, all their slutty girls, and all the things they promised and made me believe- and find myself with a new understanding. I want to let them go. I don't want anything to do with them anymore.
We counted 6 looks in 5 or less minutes- that has to say something right? Don't let this all be in my head. I'm not looking for forever- i'm looking for right now.

"help me get over this mountain, help me get over this hill"

(we grew older, but we're still young)

wow...i did it   
08:22pm 13/12/2003
mood: happy
music: i'm happy i'm feeling glad! i got sunshine in a bag!
so, this weekend has been really fun. Friday i finished my x-mas shopping with Kiki...had an awesome time! went back to powers for like 20 minutes...then blew that shit hole :). K had to head home, but i went grocery shopping Jason...that was amusing. We found this really yummy peach daquiri's good shit. Then we kinda passed out watchin Old School and didn't get up until 12 hehe. Then Mallory called me up and asked if i wanted to go the movies with her, which was very cool! even if the movie was 4 hours long! ok...maybe not quite that..but it sure felt like that.. but it was really cool and a lot of fun. PLus mallory was seen in public with me! lol

then when i got home, after a half an hour of thinking and writing down exactly what i wanted to say...i called up the coffee house in clio. So good news is, he wants me to come out and play on open mic, and i wanted to go tonight...but i think i'll stop by there sometime this week and see if i can come out next weekend and play for him. plus i'm gonna ask jen aout her friend who can make me a demo....
but you guys HAVE to come out with'll get talking on monday and see when we can get a group together, even if it's just to check out the setting- plus we can go bowling or something....maybe the arcade if it's still open...we'll see-a! to watch TV

(1 year older| we grew older, but we're still young)

should i be doing this?   
10:08pm 29/11/2003
mood: bitchy
music: FUCK ME
well...thanksgiving can suck my ******!!!!! yea...whatever. i guess it wasn't that bad. i wish this whole family feud thing was done! i mean really! stupid come they can't just act like adults. but my aunt was surprisingly nice, and i just plastered on a smile and pretended that i didn't know what she had said about me and my sisters. but little does she know that my mom told's kinda weird i'm glad me and my mom are so close, but...sometimes i wish she wouldn't tell me so much. And i hope that this is ironed out enough for me to have my graduation party.

so i went over to Branden's today...fuck knows why. sat there with him and his bro for about an hour watching a moive...oh felt up by his brother--wtf? he needs to keep his hands to himself. then i headed home and then branden came over for like 30-45 minutes and cuddled with me in the basement...once again fuck knows why.
so then andy calls my house and says that branden wants to talk to me...but i didn't answer the phone. but then i felt bad and tried callin branden's cell bc andy had said on the message that branden wanted to talk to me, but he didn't pick up. so then i get online and branden starts talking to me. and then andy...asshole...and now i think it turns out that branden never wanted to talk to me and it was all andy...

i never should have gotten online.
i should ignored my lonely heart call.
so he's there with all his friends and here i am.
alone. negative. brimming on tears.
and for what cause?

(we grew older, but we're still young)

01:15pm 27/11/2003
mood: happy
music: put yer middle finger up and sing along!


muah, i love you all

(we grew older, but we're still young)

babay! you make my heart beat faster!   
10:00pm 26/11/2003
mood: calm
music: distilllllllers...
i've been looking at this and realized that no one really uypdates anymore...i've been trying to write in my other journal...(my real one, you know the one with boxes on the cover) so i've been neglecting this on.e but it seems everyone else has. so- i'm really bummed out because i just found out that my sister didn't get my concert tickets and now it;s sold out. i'm not really in the mood to talk tho..i'll give kiki a call friday...maybe something will happen and they'll put out for sale. i'm sadded about that. and i'm gonna go talk to branden

bu bye!

(we grew older, but we're still young)

this is your fault   
12:29am 19/11/2003
mood: bitchy
music: cute without the E, cut from the team
so i skipped today

and i did go riding,
Katie was so proud of me when i told her i didn't have a new boyfriend and that i didn't want one. and i guess i don't. i just wish i had something ;(. but then the hope of SVSU consoles me...maybe i'll find him there...maybe i'm not meant to be with's just hard with all of you

fuck fuck fuck the world

hafta go study now
and read charles dickens...i swear if that man wasn't dead, i'd shoot him

(we grew older, but we're still young)

he paints me blue   
12:54am 05/11/2003
mood: discontent
music: it's time to turn that FUCKING radio off...;)
I've been trying to not let it get to me. and to stay content with things. but it's weird...andy keeps popping up...and i'm thinking i should i call him sometime soon and ask him that if he's only gonna be my friend when he wants something, then we have no business being friends...
i miss his friendship
but enough about him.

we got a i guess. happy to see my pretty face decorating the colorguard page. downloaded some allister, early november and a something corporate song...waiting for it to burn right now so that i can go lay in bed and hopefully fall asleep.

I'm gonna stay at my sister's tomorrow. Jason said that he has a surprise planned...and told me to make frosting. it made me smile. but i did the deed and now i'm alone. jen did come home tonight, but after her and my mom yelling at each other for a few minutes she disappeared to call her boyfriend.

The highlight of my day was going down to the barn. I didn't realize how much i miss riding. And it just feels good to have people come up to you and tell you that they thought you did good, and that you're a good rider. none of my friends have ever seen me ride, and i hope someday you guys do. it's the one thing i'm good you might as well see me do something i'm good at...
Satin was is a good mood for once, and katie's helping me with my legs and cantering and stuff. Pretty much the same stuff we've been doing for the past year, but each time its like we level up and theres something new i have to work on on top of everything else. sitting straight, legs underneath you, heels to the ground, toes up, heads steady, tighten on the inside reign, tighter, make her bridle, hold on with your legs, don't touch her with the knee down....
it's fun, it's hard work, it's good excercise...and my sunshine

I haven't been sleeping much lately. Ranging on 2 hours or less. but i'm thinking i might try to go to bed now...but first i have some writing to do in my fun journal...i got some ideas for a new song...something for everyone i ever knew in high school...yea...i got ideas flowing

Internation Fu(CK)n Day seems to be going good. Time pushed to 4:00 unless meg and ally and reeny want to meet earlier...i'm open the whole day. I might go down earlier anyway to hang out with my sisters. We'll see. I just really want to go to the mall. Guys to meet...clothes to find...things to do...just something to get me out of this state of mind...i want to be more out going. i tend to be quiet in public...and i want to change.

i'm getting fat again. i did really good this summer and was gettin back into my old clothes, but now i'm billowing out again. lol. so told my mom to help me again...and she like normal supports me.

we filled out the grad. annoucement info and began trying to pick out senior pictures. we've got 11 that we really really like...and we'll see if we can narrow it down. eyes are dried out from these i'm off to brush my teeth, remove my eyes and get starting on my tribute to you guys...
c-ya in the a.m.

(we grew older, but we're still young) this for the better or the worse?   
09:59pm 03/11/2003
mood: lonely
music: music channel-alternative rawk!
paul is most likely gay.
might take me awhile to get him out of my system...after all i did harbor tendencies towards him for the past 4 months...ahhh..fuck it mom.

my mom says i'm a brat.
i told her to leave me alone so i can get my homework done. she was bothering me. but okayed international fun day.

Internation Fun Day
as much as i wanna say fuck it, i'm gonna stick with it. I just hope i don't end up to weird...ok...please nobody make a big deal about this: but i have a few problems with it. First of all, i want everybody and their mom to come. but i'm not sure about it because usually the people pair off. and i can't help but feeling that i'll be slightly abandoned...but i mean i think it's a reasonable fear....and i know what you guys are gonna don't...and it'll work out...and i'll be fine.

i'm trying not to get upset about paul. at least i didn't get rejected to my face...more of an indirect crushing of my heart.

it's weird. i'm not looking for something...but he made sense to me. i'm not looking for forever- i'm looking for right now. i'm looking for a friend and a confidant...just someone to help me...and i didn't think that it'd be so hard...but starting tonight i'm trying to change for real this time. and i know how many times i've tried to, but i want it to work this time. and i don't want to be sad anymore. which in all truth i haven't been that sad lately. minus the crying on the way home today and the inability to sleep last night. and god knows what tonight'll bring me. i guess, all i need you guys to do is, pull me aside and tell me that it's not that bad. and no matter how bad it seems, things are gonna get better if i don't give up. because i'm trying to tell myself that...i really am. let's just say i've been feeling pretty worthless lately...and if i've been alittle's not any of youe guy's fault...i just feel so empty...and you guys seem so full. so someone set me up with another pity date...and i'll pretend i'm happy...and maybe if i can convince myself i am...i will be.

to paul:

Tonight I watch the lights go out in your house
Wondering how I could get so deep
And you can still get to sleep
In vain I blame my trembling on the cold air
And I can’t hide that I relied on you
Like yellow does on blue

And your my good feeling, I'm kneeling
Inside her room she paints me blue
And you are my reason for breathing
Inside her room she paints me blue

Atlanta started raining on me

And teenage love was underground

Tonight I break the surface

Atlanta started raining on me

A New York girl was claiming me

And naming me

And destiny get nervous and

And your my good feeling, I'm kneeling
Inside her room she paints me blue
And you are my reason for breathing
Inside her room she paints me blue, again

And your my good feeling, I'm kneeling
Inside her room she paints me blue
And you are my reason for breathing
Inside her room she paints me blue, again

Atlanta started raining on me

on me

Atlanta started raining on me

on me

(we grew older, but we're still young)

this isn't fair   
07:36pm 02/11/2003
mood: drained
music: something corporate
but life isn't fair
so why try to let it out
why try to make sense
why try to lookat him
when i know he sees right through me
why talk to her
when she knows nothing it seems
why do you keep me here
when you know my heart is breaking
why sit
shy breath
why do i have to see all these people?
why is all i can say
when i see my time is fading away
i don't want to suffer
i don't want to pretend
i just want to be ok again
i don't want to drift in out on my waves of emotion
i want to sleep at night
i want to stop getting that feeling in my stomach
i want him to look at me
and not me pretend he is
if he just gave me a chance
it'd turn into something
why can't you feel it?
why can't you remember being young again?
why can't the past get out of my head?
why do you return and he ignore?
why can't i wake up one day and find that things are different?

(we grew older, but we're still young)

...if my head stopped throbbing, i could think a little clearer...   
09:10pm 21/10/2003
mood: sick
music: full house...:{ crazy meh
My long awaited first official college visit of SVSU...quite the eye opener.

First off i woke up last night at 1 am and couldn't breathe...fucking's really scary sometimes, especially when no one else is awake and i didn't know what to do since my inhaler wouldn't work. So i ended up using it like 4 times and sitting on the couch trying to stay in an up right position. I ended up having to use Benedryl to put me to sleep.

My mom woke me up around 9:30 and getting out of bed so hard. I felt to heavy, groggy, weighed down....
But i did manage to shake myself into a state of being and got some cake and ate it with my mom. As usual we were running late to the meeting with an advisor at SVSU...and my asthma keep flaring back up...once again freaky business. So we had a good talk about my choice of college, my extra-curricular activities and such and he basically told me i'd have no trouble getting into Saginaw and that i'm eligible for a couple scholarships. Plus i found out that they have a color guard...which makes me very happy.

More exciting news, i potentially have the option of living on campus! I really want it, but i'm not sure we can afford it. Like my mom said, things are gonna be very different next year cuz of job stuff. and it might not be plausible. But we talked to them too about how i'd have to be able to have accessability to making my own food and stuff, and they might be able to work something out. Plus if i get accepted into the Honors College (which i do qualify for) then i'd get special dorm priledges and such. So like mr. hernadez said, it's all starting to come together, all the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fit.

The tour was awesome, and i've fallen even more in love with the campus, even though as my mom pointed out to me, "i didn't see any freaks around" haha...silly mommy...

After the college ordeal we went over to the dealership to get my oil changed and tires rotated and stuff, toook about a half no big wait. Then me and my mommy went over to the fabric store. My next project is a cape. We bought the pattern- gorgeous! and the fabric, it's a fairly heavy wool, plaid like, gray, blue and black. It's so pretty. And i'll be starting to work on it soon. First i have to finish my wrap-around skirt. And then i also got a pattern for making a hats! I got it for the cabbie hat design...but it has a couple others too. but it's so cool, i'm gonna start making all my own hats and purses too. Time to let my creativity run.

Then we stopped over at bets buy and got the spankin brand new Something Corporate cd and Billy Talent! Such beautiful boys...

It was somewhere in there that my head started pounding, and it hasn't stopped. I took alittle nap when i got home, but as soon as i woke up, it came sucks. And i have a spanish quiz and ape vocab test i'd better get studying...

damn tomorrow is gonna be so long...

(we grew older, but we're still young)

after every hit we take   
11:06pm 18/10/2003
mood: confused
music: i hate everything about u
I'm in a pretty messed up mood right now. I don't know, i can't explain it.
I just watched the last half of crazy/beautiful and now feel worthless. or maybe just that my life is and i should be out having sex with some fuckin mexican....not that i know any....arr..whatever...fucky mood.

My ears hurt and i feel badly. our last band comp was today. I was so happy that we didn't get last but second to last isn't much better. oh never quite hit me out there that this was it and that i'd never be doing this again. all i could do is smile like a fool and try to keep myself in one piece.
It was hard though, my dad, his family that has disowned us for wanting to help her...the fact that they're killing her and i can't do anything about it...and that if i do get an open house in june...i can only think of 10 people who'll be willing to come mom said not to worry about. But i can't help it...i am worried. and i'm scared to death about whats gonna happen.

I've been thinking about my uncle a lot's weird, i never met him, but i feel so close to him and it's really weird. He died before i was born. He was only 28. he died in a motorcycle accident. I saw a picture of him was at one of his motorcycle races...he was beautiful. My mom tells me that i'm a lot like him...and god i wish i could have known him. He'd know what to do...he gave my mom a ring. it's gold with an amethist...i like stealing it from her and wearing it...just trying to get some clue from him as to why he had to go...and why i'll never know him.

the villians get the girls
the good guys always die
the good girls go bad
the bad girls get worse and get knocked up
the elite social groups spend their lives working for nothing
the poor people spend their lives working for everything

why is the world one big mess?

(1 year older| we grew older, but we're still young)

08:33pm 16/10/2003
  irrelavant for you guys...hah...necessary for my purpose ;)  

(1 year older| we grew older, but we're still young)

hum de dum   
07:41pm 13/10/2003
mood: content
music: OHANA...find the place where you belong..maka maka tiki!
well...i think things are ok. they aren't great, they could be better, but i think they're on the way to that. Guess i'll let things blow over while keeping communication with my best buddies. My megi hopefully included.

yea, i got a B in spanish...pretty sexy for never participating...:)

Get to start riding again next week...and colorguard is almost done with...i'm sad it's my last year...and i'm so fucking glad it's done with...i might try and get into SVSU's if they still have one...but we'll see.

so...yea...i don't have much to say right now...kinda getting a headache again and can't wait until homework is done and i can relax in front of the TV until the wee hours of the morn...pour myself into bed, and get up in time to start another day.

Yes, tomorrow's another day.
Cuz i wanna believe when you tell me that it'll be ok...
but i don't...
bleh...i like that song...thinking about learning it on my guitar...hummmmm...i might

calling to the astronauts...

(we grew older, but we're still young)

look at that shallow girl   
06:53pm 12/10/2003
mood: worried
music: all the things she said
Maybe if I whispered in my dreams,
You wouldn'be as far at it seems,
Maybe if I called a little more,
You would be walking through my door.

If I let you know I loved you,
And said the words this time,
There's something I could do,
To finally make you mine.

But for now my words are silences,
You don't agree with how I live,
You think my life is shallow,
That I have so much more to give.

i typed in "shallow" and poetry"
and this is what i got

thats for you

i love you guys, we all do stupid things and hurt people we love. And if this is it...then it's it...and i'll have to stand by and watch you go.

(we grew older, but we're still young)

oh yea...more venting!   
09:53pm 11/10/2003
  Why do some of my friends think they can talk to me like I am nothing? And they call me their true friend! What the fuck!! I am sick and tired of people getting in mean additudes around me. I will have no more! Next time it happens, forget it! I will have nothing to do with you until the problem is over. I wish you knew what you're doing to me. It hurts a lot.

I don't treat you like your make me feel like a guitly whore.
I thought you were a true friend...but we'll see about that.
I'm sick and tired of your moods and your attitudes
and i won't take you anymore either...and if you can let it go like that, you must not have cared much to begin with.
And "the problem" as you so neatly presented it, is not as simple as that, it's been going on for the past 3 years...
And i wish you know how much you are hurting me...cuz your not the only getting hurt here, and i'm not the only giving moods...

you get what you give girl

(we grew older, but we're still young)

truth time   
09:12pm 11/10/2003
mood: good
music: the calling :)
well...after reading miss labby's entry...i get down again. You might as well just said my name. Plus, you think i wanted to just blurt out my feelings right then and there with all those strangers around? fuck before you go forming opinions and this:

Life has not been normal recently. Seems like its been that way for a lot of people...which is why i've been trying to stay in better moods at the "Deux Ex Machina" the story of my life. if you don't know what that means look it up. So- back to the issue. When i was little...i was happy. I remember such wonderful memories. Like, sitting in my mom's studio at our old house and watching her paint. And eating grape jelly pocket bread sandwiches and getting paint on things...fuck i'm already crying...i remember learning to ride my bike on that old gravel driveway, days spent laying in open fields and in the pine grove that i called my own. Fishing right from our own pond, catching turtles and frogs...anything i could. and that old swing set that my daddy built for me and my of the few remnants of our old house. I remember Casey...taking him for walks in the evening and feeding him potato chips and thinking he was the best dog in the world. I remember the field of corn we harvested every year and all the little things that made my childhood mine. Another part of that childhood was going to Davison everyday after school. My dad has his own private practice there for a long time, i remember that office like the back of my hand...and remember Melody and Terri...and people i know that are long gone... It was shocking to drive through there...the KFC, McDonalds and all the stores i'd been in so many times...some that looked identical..and some completely different. It was so depressing, my eye doctor, Dr Williams, now gone and taken over by a younger guy. My parents doctor, Dr. White retiring...everything in davison and it was so many memories at once...and i pray to god i never have to go back there again. and i'm actually very angry with myself for even going. And i know your mad because i didn't want to sit and watch the game...but i could stand being surrounded by football player's girlfriends. They kept kicking and hitting me and i just couldn't take it and i felt like i was gonan i had to get out of there. it's hard for me to be comfortable around people. Alot of the time...around you guys...and for your information, i wasn't trying to give you an attitude...i was simply responding to it felt you were acting towards me. I had a good talk with Tony on the way back from the comp...i was so down that all my friends had left...and he was all that i had left. But he's given my the strength to say this. Meghan Labby, i think that you need to wake up. Look around you! And why are you so discontent with Aidan? You've got a guy who isn't a crack head and doesn't cheat on you, and you treat him like dirt. Don't you know how lucky you are? oh and another thing, why the hell is up with you? i'm not out to fuck any guy i can get my hands on...yea...i'm lonely...and yea..i do fucking wish that i had someone...but not so i can treat him like shit- like you. And i'm not so desperate i'd take anybody as a boyfriend. I'm not ready for anything like that! Another good friend of mine told me that i shouldn't be looking for someone, and that i should wait for someone to come to me...and you know what...i think she told me that at the perfect time. and i remember giving that say advice to andy..who dates for the fucking. I'm not into that! And i know theres someone out there for me...and i don't care right now. I think i aimed to high..and i'm going to back to some places i've lost.
And if you want to stop being friends with me...then do it.

I saw Brad today at the comp. His sweet innocent smile and the smirk that had irratating me into smiling back was still there.

We got a 1. I was bad...but oh well...this is it...two more performances and i might be dropping band anyway. so who gives a fuck...

hum ho...tired of crappy things. I'm tired of this...I'm being straight up with you do me a favor an level with me. Walking around crying is only so people will poor baby you...and i'm not going to that anymore. You want help, i'm here for wanna let it all out..i'm here, you me to give you that sympathetic smile and feel bad for way.

what nightmare it must be...just being you

wow...i feel much better. did take care of the head ache some.

and if losing my labs means losing my kiki...i guess thats a chance i'm gonna have to take...because...oh wait. something i gotta say: I AM willing to let others help me. First of all i have to figure out what exactly it is that needs fixin in my life...then i'll let you know. And reeny your help has plently good enough for me. : so- i'm willing to take that chance...b/c true friends would get through this, and oh yes..i believe in your journal you said i wasn't one...but hey it's ok to you...if you're willing to let it all was never worth keeping.

(we grew older, but we're still young)