quarterlife_crisis' Blurty
 
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Sunday, August 12th, 2007

    Time Event
    1:09a
    Insomniac Confessions
    I can't sleep because I'm anxious. My nerves are jacked. Every second I feel like I'm going nowhere and I should be moving in any other direction. Every resolution dissolves at the speed of mundane, everyday life. I get no pleasure from the things I used to enjoy. I go to bed each night and my lungs hurt from the cigarettes I smoke. I wake up in the morning and I'm always in such a rush.

    The rushing part I don't understand.

    I go back through my memories and imagine making different choices. I have multitudes of timelines playing out in my head. "Look, here I am in this life," I say, as I see myself under a different set of circumstances, "and again, here I am now."

    I keep waiting for something beautiful to happen. I make promises to myself and never keep them.

    I avoid cameras and mirrors.

    I am uncomfortable with being touched.

    I don't remember the last time I've had a really close friend. Many of the people I've thought were my friends were not as close to me as I felt I was to them. None of them ever invited me over.

    I never feel like I'm listening to the right music. I think a song is good until I hear it, and then I feel like I should be listening to something else.

    There is an imaginary audience that judges everything I do. When they do have faces in my mind, their faces are stern.

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