Taylor's Journal

4th February, 2004. 12:05 am. On the Subject of Baby Names...

So, apparently the only thing we're allowed to name our kids anymore is Mackenzie, Madison, Skyler, or Tristan.

But the names can't be too popular. So we fuck around with the spelling a bit. Madison becomes Madyson. Tristan becomes Tristin. I have no problems with this- in moderation.

Let's start with Madison as our example.

Madison.

But that's too common. So let's chuck in a few unnecessary Ys.

Madisyn.

Of course, to be cool, let's chuck on another N to the end.

Madisynn.

Cuz double letters are cool. So why don't we go all the way, hm?

Maddisynn

Throw an e on the end, because you can never get too many vowels if the baby naming boards are to be believed.

Maddisynne

Fuck with the spelling a bit more, and we get the end product-

Maddycynne

And what the fuck? Mutated. I'm not making this stuff up.

Apostrophes and random capitalization are also "kewl". One "senior member" of a baby naming board took this poll:

Which name do you like for a girl?

· JaNae Jazlyn
· Jazlyn Brielle
· Jazlyn Sloan
· Alexa Jazlyn
· Sierra Jazlyn

Wait. It gets better. The response from one of the other posters:

"Jazlyn Sloan is beautiful... but i would spell it Jazlynn Sloane just to add a little style to it but the name is awesome!"

Oh. My. Word.

Of course, you have to add the extra N. Because what if there was another Jazlyn in her class? She'd be Jazlyn W. for years, and who wants that? Apparently, every child in the world MUST have a different name, even at the expense of scarring them for life.

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"what about
Taybrii-Taybree-Taybri

Tariana (TAR-e-ANA)

Tatyana-Tatiana

I really like Sloane but then again im one of the few

My daughters name is Kaleka Sloane
Kaleka (Ka-lee-ka) you can put other letters at the beginning to make different names like Maleka Caleka and you can use an "i" instead of an "e" Alika

Janessa-Janess

Brittleigh-Brittlee-Brittlei

Jaclyn-Jacklyn

Mikaela NN. Mickey or Kayla

Andrea (an-DRE-uh) NN. Andre/Dre

Rain

Jaylee

Jalaa-Jaylaa-Jayla (Jay-la) ;o)"

OK, so you've named your baby Andrea. What's the first nickname that pops to mind? Not Andi or something obvious like that- no, Dre! 'Yo, Dre, get yo ass ovah here! Muthafuckin' dinner's on!'

And what's that last one- Jalaa? Good luck saying that one without completely swallowing your tongue.

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"my name is Purity.. i used to not like it because i'd have to tell people what it was and how it was spelled about 3 times before they got it.. but i love it now.. it's very unique and stands out.. and most people think it's beautiful.. so i've grown attached to it.. and so far.. i'm the only person i've ever talked to who has it.."

Am I the only one who finds it unsettling that this woman talks to herself?

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"Aspen
Celeste
Cheyenne
Chenoa
Dezirae
Haileigh
Hateya
Jadziah
Kaia/Kaya
Kaitlin
Keilani
Maigen
Marissa
Marina
Misae
Noelle
Noelani
Oceanne
Rain
Raven
Shae/Shea
Shayna
Shilin
Skye/Skyla/Skylin
Soleil
Starr/Starria
Tania"

OK, so let's run through the list here. There are the basic names you'd hear at any school's role call- Chenoa, Hateya, Misae, Noelani, Starria- you know, the usual.

Fucking psychos.

Oh, and on that- Hateya? Sure do Hate ya.

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"I actually like Zoey better, but....

Zoe: Jade, Shaylee, Amaya, Adrienne, Brooklyn, Kendall, Cadence, Virginia, Christiana, London, Gabrielle, Rebecca, Catherina, Elizabeth"

So this poor woman wants a middle name for Zoe. And this was one of the "suggestions". OK, name the kid Brooklyn. She can grow up to be a character in a World War II movie. Oh, and naming you kids after places = uber kewliez.

'Hi, I'm Zoey London Smith.'

'Oh? I'm Makenna Brooklynn Jones.'

'Hey! I'm Nyuyorrk Myshygyn Cosby.'

We reach lines, people.

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"I keep coming back to this name: Roan. I don't know if I love it, some days I do, others I don't! So, first of all, how would you pronounce Roan, and second of all, what do you think of it? "

I wonder if this woman realises that a roan is a fucking horse.

Aggggh.

I could do more, but I'm tired. Go entertain yourself elsewhere. ;)

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