Halloween and Musings. [02 Nov 2003|01:06am]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | System Of A Down - Ego Brain ]

Okay, I just wrote a hell of a lot and it got erased. That always happens to my entries. Grr... well, I'm going to try again.

Bile has been on the verge of rising in my throat for the last few hours. It's disgusting, and I don't know why it's doing that. Heh, maybe it's some physical manifestation of my emotions. *shrugs* Just a thought. I still don't feel like I'm back to my old self, though. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

And all I've felt lately from most other people are vibes that reek of annoyance and dismissal. Maybe it's just me. I don't think so, though. I just don't feel good. I really haven't felt good for a month or two now as a whole.

Anyways, yesterday Jocelyn came over and we went to the mall after school. I bought a lighter with an Ace on it, but the fuckers sold it to me without a flint. So now I either have to buy a flint and find out how to put it in there, or forget about it and have wasted ten bucks, because I'm not going to be able to drive down there again to return it for awhile. Eh. I also bought a Jack Skellington coffin leather bag and the new A Perfect Circle CD. To anyone that has considered getting it, I highly suggest it. It is a great CD.

After we got home from the mall, we whipped out M.E.B., the Green God (only about 3 people will know what I'm talking about, but that's alright), and went to Denny's with Max and Nerissa. Steve was there already when we got there, because he had asked me earlier where we were going. I think that Max might have been kind of pissed that I told Steve where we were, but I didn't want to lie to my friend (even if it's such a small thing). We chilled there until about 9:00, and then we went to Nick Carter's house. Nick wasn't there, but Mike was. We sat in Nick's garage-room for awhile and got fucked up with Steve.

Afterwards, we headed for Morgan's, and Steve had to leave. He went to a triple-kegger and we chilled at Morgan's for awhile with Morgan, James, Tara, Ralph, Ryan, Adam, and a few others. After hanging out there for a couple hours, we (Nerissa, Joce, and I) went back to Max's and spent the night there. We left early this morning for Denny's (again) and Max dropped me off at Joce's. Nerissa and Max had to go home for the day.

Joce and I just hung out for awhile, and Max and Nerissa came over again later tonight and we had good times. Coty was supposed to have stopped by at some point, but he couldn't. He said he might be able to hang with me tomorrow. That would be cool, although I have to get to memorizing a monologue for Drama.

I've just felt out of it lately. Like I don't care about anything anymore. I don't feel depressed, really, but just... oh, I don't know. I have my ups and downs. I'd love to write an entry sometime just pouring my feelings out, but it seems like I rarely get the time to do that sort of thing anymore. Maybe packing my life so full of stuff to do isn't so good for me. Who knows. Anyways, I'm too tired to think about that sort of thing, so I'm just going to stop writing now. I hope that everyone had a great Halloween and had tons of fun!


god, it's so fucking cold in here. brrrrrrrrrrrr.

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[30 Oct 2003|04:28pm]
[ mood | complacent ]
[ music | nothing ]

Well, 6 months (almost 7) was fun. It's over. All of you who said that long distance relationships don't work out for the most part are right.

Not that I didn't love him.
And not that we didn't have good times.

But maybe this is for the best. Maybe I should move on with my life... and he with his. And maybe someday I *will* get to meet him, even if it's only in friendship.

I just hope he's happy wherever life takes him next, and someone that is more deserving of him comes around.



Time to check out the single life.


EDIT 9:48pm: Hung out with Steve tonight; we drowned our troubles in smoke, and it was a nice night. Could have gone better, I guess, but it was nice. Kind of awkward at times; I know that he was wanting to make a move on me some of the time, but he didn't. I don't know what to do with Steve! I think we shall remain only friends, after all. Unless he actually *does* make a move on me. That could change things. Oh, who knows at this point in my life. It's too soon to know anything yet. These things always take time.

Climbing over Joce's gate with Steve, I ripped the back of my pants.. Oh, I'm so graceful sometimes! I've got to patch it, because it's a big hole. Heh. At least Steve didn't get a full view of my ass, though. The hole didn't go that far up. :P But tonight didn't hold any joy for me. It was fun, yes, but melancholy permeated the night and my spirits rose but only a little.

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[26 Oct 2003|03:53pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Finger Eleven - Slow Chemical (Kane Theme) ]

Alright, well, I haven't updated in a really long time. I wrote a long update about 5 or 6 days ago, but it got erased and I don't even remember what was in it now. Oh well.

There's one thing I'd like to know: Are there any sure and stable things in life? It just seems like things are always changing and there isn't much you can do to change that (maybe that's why the ancient civilizations that embraced change lasted longer?). One of my arms is gripping the banks of time, tenaciously holding on to the present, and the other is being pulled along, eager to float into the future. I'm not sure where I'm at. Actually, I'm quite sure that no one, no matter how self confident they seem, knows exactly where they're at in life. Everyone has uncertainty popping up in their lives at every turn.

But that is not relevant to my entry, really. I'm just letting my fingers do as they please and type anything and everything that comes into my mind.

I am at a crossroads, though, and I need to figure out where I'm going to go from here.

A few pictures. )

Last weekend was Max's birthday, so I went over to his house on Friday and spent the night. We stayed up almost all night after the homecoming football game and got a little drunk with Jocelyn. It was fun, but I had to take the PSAT's the next morning and we had only gotten a half hour of sleep before I had to get up. When I woke up, I just figured that I could take it next year... It would have been way too hard to function on only that much sleep. I fell back asleep.

On last Saturday, Max invited more people over (Nerissa, Kyle, Morgan, James, Tara, Mike-Izzle, Nick Carter, Ashley, Nicole, Jerry, and Mike) and he had a bonfire. good times! We passed the steam-roller around a few times. Hehe. Then all of us but the last four I mentioned spent the night. This was the second night at Max's for Joce and I. It was beginning to feel normal to be at his house all the time. We tried to watch the new Matrix movie, but we couldn't concentrate enough on it.

Not much happened during this week, but I had Joce over yesterday and we got together with Mike-Izzle, Max, and Nerissa to celebrate Mike's birthday. On the day before, I had just gone to Joce's for awhile and we came back to my house later. She spent the night at my house two nights in a row this weekend.

In the meantime, I don't know what the fuck is going on with Coty... I was supposed to hang out with him today, but his mom said he wasn't there. Oh well. We did end up hanging out on Friday (or was it Thursday?) this week anyways. The day before I hung out with Steve Ferris.

I've been seeing everyone lately, except tones. I don't know what's going to end up happening, but I hope things will come out looking alright.

I think I need a day off from existence.
It's fun hanging out with people, but it gets hard to be around people constantly. *shrugs*

I don't know. These two weeks have been a little hectic. But that is my life, I guess.

Oh yeah. I gave Max as part of his birthday present a card that I made. Karen O. from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs )

That's all for now.


Oh, and I'm getting sick. Lovely, isn't it?
hack.coughcough.

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