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Life Sucks My Fucking Ass [05 Jun 2003|08:29pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | Marilyn Manson ] OK, so...I told you about how I'm not going to the Warped Tour, right? Well....I'm a little more pissed about it now. I mean, yeah, I was pissed before, but now....I am PISSED!!!! OK, so it all started out, me and Meagan were talking about going to the Warped Tour. And then Susan started talking like she was gonna go with us. I was like, oh, that's cool...it'll be the THREE of us!! And THEN I was informed that I couldn't come anymore. Well, that sucks my ass. I was pissed, it hurt, but I thought I'd eventually get over it. Especially when they told me that we would all three go to the one in Montana. And THEN...oh yes...there IS an and then...Susan went up to Britnee Wilsee and was like "Hey, what are you doing this summer? You wanna go to Montana? Cause me and Meagan are gonna go there to the Warped Tour and it would be cool if you could come with us!! And THEN...yes, yet another and then...Susan asked Kathya to go with them. And so I guess once again, SHELBY is out on her FUCKING ASS!! BUT HEY, WHO CARES, RIGHT? IT'S JUST SHELBY!! FUCK WHAT SHE THINKS, SHE HAS NO FEELINGS, SHE'S BEEN FUCKED OVER SO MANY TIMES SHE JUST DOESN'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE WELL YOURE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I care. I swear to God, Adrienne and Kayla are the only ones that fucking understand me now. They're the only ones that fucking care. I think Kayla and I will go start our own cult. Adrienne, you may come with us if you'd like. But no one else. Ya know, when I made friends with Meagan, I thought "Wow, now here's a friendship I won't have to worry about getting hurt in, since that's what all my other ones resulted in." And I kinda thought the same thing about Susan since she told me how she'd NEVER fuck ANYONE over because she knows how it feels. Well...you've just done it, Susan. Ya know what I hate? I hate the fact that I got fucked over. I have the fact that once again, I'm the fucking third wheel. I hate the fact that I got hurt. But most of all, I hate the fact that I fucking care. 17 comments|post comment

Life royally sucks my ass [02 Jun 2003|09:56pm] I went home today with a migraine. It sucked. I hate feeling as though I'm being used. I'm sick of my friends ignoring me and then expecting me to be all nice to them. That sucks my ass. I'm sick of my friends always being mean to me in the morning and then by after lunch, FINALLY deciding that MAYBE they'll be nice to me. I'm sick of not being able to be with my friends on the weekend on account of the fact that they're all out with their party friends who it feels like they like more than me. Maybe I should get some new friends, that's what the counsler suggested to me. But I don't WANT new friends!! I want my old friends to like me again, that's all I want. Hmmmm...sorry, but I broke my promise. And it felt wonderful. Euphoric rush...mmmmmmmmm. Nothin' better. I went to these proana sites today. They were kinda scary, but....I dunno. Kinda intriguing in a way. I don't think I would have the strength to do that. I don't think. This summer I'm going on a diet. I'm also going to get my tonsils out. Well...I'm out. I'm off to my solitude and my only friend. The razor blade. 3 comments|post comment

Slit my wrists, mother fucker [27 May 2003|11:02pm] [ mood | jumbled ] [ music | Mest--Destination Unknown ] Have you ever just wanted to slash your wrists and watch the blood drip from them? That's what I want to do right now. Actually, I'm craving to cut...but I told Suey I'd try to stop, so, instead of feeling euphoric rush I'm sitting in front of my computer at eleven o'clock at night. Yes, today is officially the day from hell. This morning, when I got to school, I realized I probably won't be able to go to the Warped Tour. Yeah, I've been planning that one for awhile. I was supposed to go with Meagan, but....So that started my sucky ass day. Then, in second period, I found out one of my friends had tried to commit suicide this morning. I noticed she didn't look too well, but I shrugged it off, I thought maybe she was just sick. Then she pulled out a miniture Zip-lock bag (yeah, they're small, but think of all the pills you can fit in there). She told us that the bag had been full this morning (there were about five aspririn left), she had taken them at six o'clock this morning and had hoped to be gone by the time school started. I can't explain to you the feelings that went me at that moment. Anger, sadness, denial, regret, confusion, guilt, fear. Actually, I was terrified. She had taken that many pills and she was not looking well. So Tara pretended to go to the bathroom, but she went to the counsler's office instead. The counsler came and got her, called the school nurse, who in turn, took her to the hopital. Tara and I skipped 7th today to go to the hospital to visit her. That was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever seen. To see my usually strong friend pale, and huddled into a bed. We saw her mom at the hospital. She looked like shit ran over twice. Well, I hope this puts things into perspective for her. She'd better start acting like a mother now. So I have a question for all of you. Is it too much to ask for friends that you can do things with on weekends? No? I didn't think so. But apparently...maybe it is. That's all I want though. I'm so sick of hearing about how my friends have so much fun on the weekends while I'm stuck at home doing nothing. I wonder what people would do if I took the path that my friend tried to. Would they even care? Probably not. A lot of them would probably PRETEND to care...they'd cry for the attention and sympathy they'd receive. But what about people who would REALLY, TRULY CARE? Chalk that one up to a big fat ZERO!! Ughhhhh...I hate promises. Susan.....why? 4 comments|post comment

Celiac's Disease? [06 May 2003|08:37pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Mest--Jaded (These Years) ] Sooooo.....anyone ever heard of Celiac's Disease? Yeah, me either. Until NOW!! Because I might HAVE IT!!! Don't worry guys, it's not deadly. It's just a wheat allergy. But doesn't it just sound creepy? I told one of my friends that I might have it today and they freaked out and asked me if I was going to die. But anyway, back to me. So this might explain the whole stomache always hurts and I get sick and throw up after I eat. My mom was pretty convinced I was bulimic for awhile. But she's always convinced about something weird about me. She just KNEW I was pregnant and on drugs in the eighth grade. But I wasn't. So yeah. But tomorrow after school I have to get my blood drawn. AGAIN. This is like, the fifth time in three days. I'm not gonna have any blood by the time they're done with me. I baby-sat last night and Emma (she's a year old) has this obsession with my Crucifix. She wore it all night and when I put her down for bed she FREAKED OUT when I tried to take it from her. She kept screaming "No....MY JESU, MY JESU!!" (picture the u coming out as an uh). Anyway, I decided it was pretty mean to take Jesus away from a little girl, so I let her keep it. I had to sneak it out of her crib when she was sleeping. Meagan thinks no one loves her. I told her to threaten to commit suicide. She said she did and her mom laughed it off. Well God damnitt Meagan, I LOVE YOU!!! So there. Well....everyone and their damn dog knows about my fan fic now. I'm about to cry. Meagan, you promised you wouldn't make fun of me!! So quit reading it...all of you!! Damn you, damn you all to hell. 5 comments|post comment

Forever and Ever [30 Apr 2003|05:46pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Simple Plan--You Don't Mean Anything ] Omigod. It's been forever since I've updated this thing. Lotsa shit has happened. I went to New York. Yeah, that was fun. Lindsay Solecki wasn't that bad. I shared a room with her, Jason and Ross. Ross and Jason are fucking hilarious at two in the morning. Hehehe....usually we wouldn't get back until like, midnight. And then we'd get up at like, six in the morning. It was great. Except Mindy got really annoying. She's one of those people who like to be in charge. And all her and Ella wanted to do was shop. I mean, I was there to experience New York...if I wanted to buy clothes, I could go to the mall. But I guess you can't go to Bloomingdales, Macy's, and H&M in Spokane. The other bad part was that I was sick the whole time. I had the flu, throwing up, fever, the whole bit. But I tried to not let it drag me down. I didn't get anyone else sick!! And I got offered alcohol three times by Jason Thayer who was a complete hottie. We called him Bob-Jason because we already had a Jason. But yeah...I saw five shows. Hairspray, Urinetown, Chicago, Rent, Les Miserables, and I know I saw another one, but I can't remember which one. Well...back to boring old Chewelah. Meagan hasn't been in school for the past two days, so that totally sucks ass!! Meagan, if you're reading this, get better and get your ass back to school...you're missing the WASL!! Which means you'll have to make it up later. Nick cheated on Kathya and I'm about to rip his balls off. We(Tara and I) went to talk to him, and he was a complete bastard to Tara. Oh....the things I could do to that boy..but anyway. Tara, Jeni, and I went camping on Friday night. We lasted til four in the morning. If we wouldn't have woken up from that damn urge to pee then we would have made it all night. But it was fucking cold outside!! So we came to my house, and crashed in my living room. Tara's having a party on Saturday and I'm stoked!! Nobody knows where it's at, and nobody's gonna know til the last minute because people have been narkin' like crazy lately!! Which is totally stupid. But anyway...I'm out. Check ya later. And if somebody starts another fight in my journal I'm gonna be fucking pissed! 6 comments|post comment

No Cartlidge [29 Mar 2003|10:40pm] [ mood | Pained ] [ music | Silverchair--Abuse Me ] So today I found out I have basically no cartlidge in my upper ear. Yes, the part called cartlidge, is basically skin and only skin on my ear. I found this out because I had my "cartlidge" skin stuff pierced on my left ear today. It didn't hurt when I got it done. Honest to God, I thought I would like, die. My mom was all telling me how bad it was gonna hurt and stuff, so I was kinda scared. But it felt like something was pushed though my ear. Honestly, it felt like just a little pokie push thing. I asked the lady if she was totally SURE that the earring had gone into my ear. She looked at me like I was crazy and offered me the mirror. Sure enough, there was the earring, all sparkly and pretty sitting in my "cartlidge". But now it hurts. Maybe it's because I have ear phones on, I dunno. But I sleep on my left side, so I'm a little scared I'm gonna have to sleep on my back or my right side tonight. But whatever. Susan and I went to Jr. Miss tonight, and Kallie Monasmith won. Jessica Polm got first runner up. That's great, I'm really happy for them, they deserved it. But Katrina Anderson got second runner up. Mother fucker, I was PRAYING she DIDN'T get it. That's so mean, but she's mean to me. And to Susan. So she can kiss my ass. Meagan came to my house yesterday after school. It kicked ass. We watched The Nightmare Before Christmas, and yes, I admit.....I like the movie, I'm not that scared of it anymore. I watched it when I was like, seven, and I cried. My parents never let me watch it again. But I like Edward Scissorhands. I cried at that movie too. But for totally different reasons. I mean, they just left him all alone on top of that hill in that big old house. ALL ALONE!!!! Well, I must go now. Comment if you value your life. (just joking. Muwahahah) 9 comments|post comment

Oh the irony [18 Mar 2003|06:59pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Dashboard Confessional ] Today was career day. I've been dubbed an insepid clone. I was told I was being hit on by a man who was high. Wow, what a day I've had. So the insepid clone thing was a joke, but whatever. One of the workshop/rotation things that me and one of my friends went to was an Anti-tobacco thing. Not really a career, but I guess it was there to keep us alive. It was the shiznit. By far my favoritist workshop there. So there was this guy that did all the talking, and I swear to God he was high. He sounded like he was from SoCal and he had the cutest lisp. Yeah...listen to me as I ramble. Anyways....he totally ripped on me for wearing my Dashboard shirt. He kept sayin' "ahh girl, they're the worst!" Then he gave me a high five and said if I wasn't cool he'd just ignore me. I think I'm in love!! I'll never see this man again, he's ten years older than me, it's illegal, but I don't care. Anyways...he was all preachin' about how tobacco is bad for you and I asked him if he smoked marijuana and he was like "Hey, I'm just here to talk about tobacco." with this cute little smile. Yeah, total dead give away. And Megan wasn't at school today, so that totally sucked ass. I think I'm done. P.S. Hi Meghan!!! Hi bitchy Susan who is totally pissing me off and I would love to hurt!!!! (anti-clone) 7 comments|post comment

[16 Mar 2003|09:00pm] [ mood | Majorly Embarassed ] God damnit, mother fucker!! First I screw up and then I double post! God, I'm so stupid!! And now I have to go to Confession. (Suey, you know what I mean) 1 comment|post comment

Whoopsies!!!!!!! [16 Mar 2003|08:58pm] I meant youth group leader. Bad Shelby, bad!!!! post comment

Whoopsies!!!!!!! [16 Mar 2003|08:58pm] [ mood | embarrassed ] I meant youth group leader. Bad Shelby, bad!!!! post comment

Boring..boring..boring [16 Mar 2003|08:51pm] [ mood | withdrawled ] [ music | Silverchair ] So I just got back from Youth Group. Our youth group has the most monotone voice ever. He's a great a guy, but he puts me to sleep. He read (yes, he actually read) a book today about Our Lady of Fatima. Awesome, moving, touching, inspirational story....but I almost fell asleep. And I felt really bad. Anyway.... I only have like, three more weeks until I leave for New York!! I'm so excited!! I get to go see four Broadway shows and stay at a skanky ass hotel that I think is pretty close to Harlem. I just hope I don't get shot on the subway. So there's five of us (me, Stephanie, Ella, Adessa, and Mindy) staying in one room and we're not even sure if we're gonna have two beds. But we just don't wanna room with Lindsey Solecki. She can be nice but she's a little too preppy peppy for me, if ya know what I mean. Well, I gotta go take a shower 'cause I stink. (Meghan, maybe I could be like Benji!! But no, I think I'm going to go was myself). Bye bye for now. 1 comment|post comment

[15 Mar 2003|10:02pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | the Chicago soundtrack ] Razor Burn White pain rips through my being Searing my flesh in this agony Wrists blood, teeming blood flows down my finger. Why won’t this pain go away? This slash and burn doesn’t help. But at least it’s something to try. Tears stopped coming long ago Nothing left to lose but blood This silver shines, slick with blood. The blade falls from my hand. The daydream ends. To cowardly cut No escape from this pain. No physical to combat emotional When will it fade? Why do I hang on? Jerked around like a puppet on a string Too tired to play these games of yours I’m sick of this crap you put me through! Get out of my life! I’m through with you! Yay, I wrote a new poem!! Does it scare you? So, I decided that the woman who sings 'Nowadays' on the Chicago soundtrack from Broadway sounds like Marla from A League of Their Own. Ya know, the one whose dad raised her like a guy? Yeah, that's who she sounds like. "You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like....You can even marry Harry...but mess around with Ike." 3 comments|post comment

quiz results (hehehe) [15 Mar 2003|02:37pm] SEX APPEAL (results contain pictures) What kind of ANIME BOOBS do you have? brought to you by Quizilla Avril Lavigne, she's a disgrace to your kind. What annoying Celebrity would you most likely wanna kill? brought to you by Quizilla fucked. what fucked version of hello kittie are you? brought to you by Quizilla Brody Armstrong what punk rock goddess are you? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

bored...being sick sucks [15 Mar 2003|02:31pm] [ mood | sore ] [ music | Dashboard Confessional ] I'm sick. I'm sure no one cares, but I am. And I truly hate my father. Why is he so mean? It's like he gets off on being mean to me. I don't understand. I'm pretty drugged up on hydrokordone right now. Kay, so I don't think that's even how you spell it but, whatever, sound it out, people. It's a pain medication. I added Mehgen to my Friend's list. She doesn't know, but I did. She replied to my journal and made me laugh. So I thought she deserved to be added. I'm tired now so I think I'm going to go away. Maybe I'l come back later. 1 comment|post comment

welcome to blurty.com! [14 Mar 2003|08:54pm] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | New Found Glory ] I've just created my very own online journal. Yay for me. ***waits for claps*** Well, my parents got back from Jamaica today and I'm not sure that I'm glad. I was pretty happy when they were gone. Yeah, that sounds horrible, but I was. I kinda wish they still were gone. But they're not, they're home, and life's shit once again. So I gave up listening to Good Charlotte for Lent. That's a hard thing to do when I've been listening to them for three years. But I guess it's supposed to be a sacrafice, right? Right. People bug me. Kumiko bugs me and so does her friend Melanie. They've just discovered the joy of Good Charlotte, and they're complete teeny boppers about it. The other day they came up and asked where I got my Good Charlotte shirt at. I look at them like they're stupid and say very slowly, "Hot Topic." They look at each other and squealed (yes, they fucking squealed) "OMIGOD!!! WE SO HAVE TO GO THERE!!" AND TWO MONTHS AGO THEY MADE FUN OF ME FOR WEARING MY GOOD CHARLOTTE SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I'm out. Maybe people leave me comments on my journal. And maybe they won't. Bye bye for now. 6 comments|post comment

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