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Sunday, January 30th, 2005

Subject:Tribute to the nice girl
Time:4:00 pm.
This is a tribute to the nice girls. The nice girls made of sugar and spice, who always get overlooked, and who sit and endure endless ranting about the psycho-bitch stalker sluts men are wasting their time with, all the while embodying an angelic, classy exterior that is underrated. This is dedicated to the girls who pick up the phone at 2 a.m. to talk to their belligerently drunk guy friends and listen to them for hours about nonsense because they don’t feel like going to sleep. This is for the girls who still say thank you to the guy who hurries to hold the door open for the leggy blonde in front of you, then squeezes in front of you and barely saves the door from slamming in your face. This is in honor of the girls who reiterate how lucky any girl would be to have a certain guy, and then tell him 50 different ways to impress the girl of his dreams who is too stupid and stuck up to notice him in the first place. This is in honor of the girls who pump up a man’s ego because she knows how delicate is, and once it gets bruised, she tells him how sexy/smart/funny he is so that his confidence (and head) is as inflated as it was before some dumb bitch ripped his heart out and put it in a blender. This is for the girls with the big hearts, who aren’t afraid to be silly, who lay it on the line, and who can go with the flow. This is for the girls who truly believe there is more to guys then sex and sports, but still put up with the sexist jokes and watch ESPN Sports Center without complaint.

This is for all the girls who have been told, “you’re the type of girl guys want to marry”, and who spend their Friday nights alone (or with other nice girls) because they don’t put out on the first date. This is for the girls who possess all of the qualities of a kick-ass girlfriend, but never get the time of day. This is for all of the girls who are unappreciated, but still unselfishly give their time and effort, go to great lengths to please others, and continue to genuinely care about other people’s feelings (even if they are assholes). This is for the ladies who are called prude because they would rather spoon than lick balls. For all the girls who are cast to the side, sit out the slow dances, and confidently go stag to social events, this is for you.

This is for the time you had to work at 8 a.m. the next morning, but still picked his drunken ass up and drove him around so his other drunk friends wouldn’t have to leave the party and so he wouldn’t have to stumble into his house puking at 3 a.m. This is for the time he ditched hanging out with you to play video games with his friends and for the time he blew you off to stare at some anorexic blonde with jugs bigger than your head in a bathing suit. This is for the time you went to hang out with him and his friends and even though he was too cool to admit he had feelings for you and practically ignored you the whole time, you still pretended not to notice as all comments were directed to your chest instead of your face. This is for the Scarface marathon you sat through after he bitched for the first five minutes of a romantic comedy you’d been dying to see, but you let him choose what to watch anyway, because you’re nice like that.

Nice girls don’t get the attention they deserve. We like sports, we like to get rough and dirty, we don’t ask you 100 times if you think we’re fat, and we don’t complain while you munch down four cheeseburgers as we enjoy our salad and water. Even more surprising, nice girls don’t get asked out as much as they should. We don’t expect anything fancy, I mean you can save that $40 you spent taking some whore out to dinner just so you could secure some booty time for desert and use it to rent a video and buy us some flowers. I wish I could explain this, but the only conclusion I can come up with is guys are image-whores who just want a hot piece of ass and to uphold a badass reputation. Many of them claim they want a girl they can take home to Mom, but when faced with such a lucky find they say absurd, illogical things such as “Oh, she’s out of my league”, “The timing is off”, or “She’s not my type”. I’m sorry, but these conceited jerks I just have no tolerance for. There is no connection between what they say (“I don’t want to wake-up next to a stranger”) and what they do (“Who the fuck is this naked woman in my bed?”). Furthermore, they comment on the lack of women who possess the full-package that are still available as they continue to sleep around with any hoe-bag with a short skirt, blonde streaks, wide-open legs, and even wider-opened mouths. But one thing I will say is this does not last forever. Eventually the boys get tired of fucking the high-school/college dropout with STDs and illegitimate children, and that’s when they will be begging to tap the tight nice girls’ asses. The hard part is sorting out the loser guys from the ones who didn’t have to sleep with 25 girls to realize what they actually want in a woman and then making sure they aren’t involved with the very psycho-bitches that give us nice girls a bad rep.

So until these men realize what they are missing, until they actually grow big enough balls to go for the nice girls, until they are ready to get more from a relationship than blow jobs and booty calls, and until they have the intelligence to give us exactly what we need, I propose a toast to all the nice ladies. You know who you are, and I know you are sick of hearing you have to be patient and keeping waiting until what’s meant to happen will happen. But the truth is, the world needs your long comforting talks, your insightful suggestions, your pleasantly optimistic perspective, and your tendency to let the men act like heroes and take the credit while you sit in the background as the ditzy damsel who has so much more than what meets the eye. For all the crazy, immature, ill-witted things you fathom, for all the situations where your infallible performance is unacknowledged, and for the endless nights you spend trying to improve someone else’s life instead of your own, my gratitude and appreciation go out to you. You do have infinite, priceless, goddess qualities and our sovereignty and absolution is coming.

Subject:Isn't everything wonderful now?
Time:3:30 pm.
Mood: sad.
Music:[ Everclear - Wonderful ].
So even though I've been enjoying myself here ( a LOT more than ever before), I still feel upset sometimes. Like right now. I know why. It's because of Chris. The most juvenile things get to me. Like how he friended Lauren on facebook before me. Or how they have these stupid little poking wars. And they comment on each other's walls about the stupid little poking wars. They talk to each other more than either of them talk to me... combined. And it doesn't help that last night, his away message said "sleeeeeep... with a hottie 0:-)" He's got another girl? Well, I can't say I didn't ask for it. I just thought that by the time he found someone else, I would have, too.

But I haven't. Sure, Sal is a crush. But I'll never have him. He's too caught up in the hot girls, the skinny ones, the pretty and smart and fun ones. That's the kind of girl I'll never be. Yeah, we're friends. I'll take what I can get. In a way, that's harder. But I'd rather be around him and not have him than still want him and have nothing to do with him.

When I drink too much I disgust myself. Like Friday night at Reefer's when I was a total mess and don't remember a lot of things. I hate not remembering. Really, next time I am going to control myself. I have to.

So dinner last night at the Hard Rock Cafe in the Inner Harbor with Erinn was fun. Relaxing, different, and I love her. Just spending time with her makes me feel so much happier. She's a wonderful person. I can't wait to room with her next year.

The SoCo concert (1/27/05) was AMAZING. Like always. I had such a great time. The 9:30 club is really tiny, so we were close no matter what, but Erinn, Matt and I decided to get as close as possible. Erinn and I played possum the entire time, which consisted of her being attached to my back so we didn't lose each other. Matt caught Andrew's towel at the end, which completed an incredible night. Everybody had a good time, and Jess is now obssessed with them. I am such a great influence! Oh, and they played Watch the Sky!!!! AND Andrew added another new verse to Konstantine. Gives me the cHiLLsSsS!!! I love it!

This semester I have been a useless waste of space and have not done any work for any classes so far. Let's see how much longer this can continue before I fail out.

I have been babysitting though. Making a little money on the side. I don't mind it. It's nice to get off-campus and be in an actual home for a few hours a week. Plus, I get some reading done without Erinn coming in every 15 minutes and distracting me.

There's really nothing else for me to write about now. It's pretty much futile to record any more about how I feel at the moment because I honestly am not sure.

FAC, I will be seeing you later.

Tuesday, January 25th, 2005

Subject:Was this the girl who made him forget all he's known every time he looked into her eyes?
Time:1:07 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
Music:[ Cauterize - Still Breathing ].
Well, I'm back at Loyola. Nothing really changed, but everything seems different. I'm happy here. For the moment, at least. Who knows how long that will last, but I can honestly say that right now, I like it here. I don't know what changed; maybe it was my attitude. I think I came back here this semester determined to have a good time and like this place.

Classes this semester are even more boring than last semester. And with tons more reading. But I think I'll be able to get through it alright, for the most part. Hopefully I can pull off at least a 3.3 this time.

I started babysitting for the Kennedy's yesterday. I'm doing it everyday this week except for Thursday when I'll be at the SoCo show. HELL YEAH!!! 2 days!!! I cannot fucking wait! I haven't seen them since July, the day after my birthday in Rhode Island. It'll be my 8th time!! WOOOOO!!!

Chris and I barely talk any more. I feel like our candle's burned out and, to quote BB Mak, "We're dancing to the music that ended long ago." It makes me so sad to think about. And if we've ended, that means we've both got to move on. Moving on, moving away from Chris, is something that I cannot comprehend. He's been my life, my light, my love for so long that without him, I feel naked and lost. Alone.

And Sal is not helping this. Well, he is helping, but he isn't. We became friends by sharing our sob stories and giving advice. But now I can't help but wonder what things would be like if I were with him. And that's helping because it shows that I CAN have crushes post-Chris. But it's hurting because even though we both agreed that we would move on, he's breaking the pact and talking to Maddy. Which then makes me want to talk to Chris. We feed off of each other's strength and willpower, but when one gives in the other wants to too. And being attracted to him doesn't put me in the greatest situation, either.

Erinn is my best friend here. I love this girl already, and if I didn't have her then I would be lost.

Weird things have been happening. Like Andy getting into bed with me 2 nights in a row. And flat-out soliciting me to "cuddle," or as we like to refer to it, "pillow." I know the motives behind boys like him, and his and Erinn's history, and also the fact that I am not attracted to him at all. All of this leaves no possibility for a hook-up between us. But it's still strange.

I can already tell this babysitting job is going to get to me. I just hate having commitments at a set time everyday; it makes me feel restricted in what I can do because I know there are things that I HAVE to do later. But I need the money, and a job is never a bad thing. Plus, it'll only be 3 days a week after this week.

People who go here are complete and utter snobs. Even the ones who call out others for being stuck-up bitches and dicks. Like Francis; I just sat through him ranking on Alex Buenaventura for snubbing her nose at others without as much money as her, when not even 5 days ago I sat through him basically doing the same thing, although he may have been more indirect about it. This place is full of hypocrites and snobs.

Ahhh okay, time to vent to Erinn and then go to babysit.

Sunday, January 9th, 2005

Subject:LudacricK: everything ok?
Time:12:29 pm.
Music:[ Daphne Loves Derby - Tennis Court Soundtrack ].
Never heard such a belly-buster before in my entire LIFE, courtesy of the man himself.

So that hiker that mysteriously disappeared and is thought to have been murdered still hasn't been found. By now though, the use of helicopters has been discontinued but the State Park Troopers are still searching on foot. Even the local, desperate-for-attention cops are getting in on it; one came to our door a little while ago with a picture of the hiker and asked if we had seen him. I think it's pretty funny, all this big hype about our quiet little suburban town where a murder may have occurred. We were even on CBS news or some big news channel. Please Mr. Murderer, me next.

I've seen Natasha every single day this week. It's great. She's spent the night about 4 times. She's really becoming the best friend I'd always wanted; the one that I would do everything with.

As of now, the Vermont trip looks doubtful for me. I just don't feel like spending more time with those horrible people than I have to. Anyway... Loyola isn't that far in my future, so I can wait a week to see them.

Damn, only a week left of complete freedom... that's so depressing.

I'm wondering if transferring is something that's extremely appealing as an idea or if it's something that just may become a reality. But I'm scared to talk to my parents about it. For some reason, I feel a strong need not to let them know just how unhappy I am there. It's almost like it would be a disappointment for them. Then again, I suppose it already IS a disappointment for me.

I wonder if Ashley is having a good time. She should be moving into her dorm now. If anybody deserves to have a wonderful time at college, it's her.

I feel like complete and utter shit right now. I want to curl into a ball and DIE.

So, anorexia my old friend, shall we give it another go?

Saturday, January 8th, 2005

Subject:It's love; make it hurt
Time:1:28 am.
Mood: confused.
Music:[ Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams ].
Ok so I'm not really positive if this is for real or not yet but I wanted to make a list of possible choices for transferring next year. It's too late for spring semester but it's never too early for fall.
Pepperdine University (Took a virtual tour and did a little research, looks amazing and Malibu? Incredible!)
Fordham University (Rose Hill is always an option)
Stonehill College (Just a great school)
So the list is a little short right now, but if I were a senior in high school now I would definitely apply to Pepperdine. Why didn't I in the first place??! Crazy girl.

That's it. Seen enough of virtual Pepperdine and am now kicking myself for not considering it. ::Kicks self::

In other news, SoCo is in about 3 weeks. FUCKKK YEAH!!! With Straylight Run! Scoreee!

Matt Anderson asked me to the Semi-formal. Did I already write about that?

Chris is no longer my anything and is confusing the hell out of me because tonight he attempted to be SOMETHING and kiss me which I pulled away from because I don't know what the fuck is going on. I'm being driven insane.

I don't know if I'm going to VT with the LoCo crew. And now Erinn doesn't even know if she's going to do it at all. Oh, the confusion.

A few days ago I had an intense heart-to-heart with Sal. He's a good kid. And cute.

Time to get to bed. Sorry for the choppy entry; it's just the way my mind works. Going to see Katie's Downstate tournament tomorrow with Natty Watty.


Saturday, January 1st, 2005

Subject:Well it's love, make it hurt
Time:11:03 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:[ JamisonParker - Dear Everybody ].
2004 over, 2005 begins. And already, not a good start.

I didn't make any resolutions. Why bother? They'd just get broken anyway.

I had a good time last night. Natasha, Ashley, Chris, Melissa and I went to JP's apartment for a New Year's party. Tash and I kicked serious ass in beer pong; we won 2 in a row and went into overtime in the 3rd. We coulda won, but by then we were both wasted and couldn't really see straight. That's the way to be.

I saw the ball drop this year. That's an improvement. And here's a "de-provement": JP tried to hook up with me all night, luring me into rooms and closing the door and everytime, Chris walked in. Nothing happened between us, but he blew up. Doesn't believe me. Won't talk to me. Doesn't want to look at me. And he's going to forgive JP, his "friend", but not me. Ok Chris, because I was the one who prevented anything from happening? That makes a lot of sense. He got so angry that he left the party and spent the night at a neighbor's. We didn't speak at all on the ride home. That morning, he called ASHLEY'S cell to tell HER to call him when we wanted to get picked up. I feel sick.

And JP is STILL hitting on me. The nerve! He and Ashley ended up hooking up. God knows what happened there. I'll get it out of her. But the entire situation is ridiculous. She SAW him trying to hook up with me all night and still let him take advantage of her.

It may be messed up to admit this, but I liked having him hit on me. I always thought he was hot back in high school, but never got the chance (aka courage) to talk to him. Which should prove to Chris even MORE that I care about him enough to have stopped a hookup with JP; because it was so tempting and something I always sort of secretly wanted. But Chris won't listen to nor believe me.

So here I'm sitting now, the first day of 2005, hating myself, with cuts on my wrist just like every day in 2004. So much for "new year, new life."

I should probably give up now, because nothing is going to work. Where is 2006?

Monday, December 27th, 2004

Subject:You wanted something more than this, fell down for someone else's kiss...
Time:6:06 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:[ Ryan Cabrera - Exit to Exit ].
Whew it's been a while!!! Home finally, for about another 3 weeks. It feels great, and I'm finally happy again. It's almost like Loyola is my prison...

Things with the girls are just like always, thank god. I love and missed them so much. Adrienne changed a little at school, drinking a smoking a lot now, but she's still the same old girl we love.. for the most part. Natasha is still my lover, Lauren is still Rinergirl, and Ashley is still good ol' Najid. I've been hanging out with them a lot lately and it's like old times.

I also see Chris a lot. I miss him. It scares me though, because I don't know what's going to happen with us, or if I want anything to go anywhere, or everything. But I can definitely still feel those same feelings there.

The LoCo crew will be storming Vermont in about 2 weeks. That is going to be so much fun (I hope). Snow, slopes, alcohol, and my best college buddies. Doesn't get much better.

I'm so out of shape. I hate myself. It's going to be difficult to get back into my routine and back to my old fitness level. Blah.

Got an iPod for Christmas! Woo hoo. I love it <333

Matt Anderson asked me to the Semi-formal at school. Weird?! I think so. I'm not even sure if I'm going... don't really want to. I have a premonition that I would have a terrible time. He's going to see Fall Out Boy tonight (which I could've been there if it weren't so far away) and is going to call me during a song. Yeah man.

Adrienne just called and isn't leaving till the 29th so we're going to try to get the crew together one last time before she goes. Gotta go get ready for another crazy night with my lovers!

Friday, December 17th, 2004

Subject:I'm singing no holiday songs, I need you to sing your part...
Time:3:20 pm.
Mood: nauseated.
Music:Anything Christmas-y!.
Joyous Christmas music, really gets you into the spirit. No one says it better than NSync haha.

My psych final is in 3 hours. I probably should be studying. But I feel really sick and don't know why I'm on the computer. So I'm going to get off now and finish writing later.

Tuesday, December 14th, 2004

Subject:Today I'm shattered, I feel as if I don't matter much... is this the end of me?
Time:12:34 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Music:[ Stars Hide Fire - Still Breathing ].
I'm sitting here waiting for the clock to hit 12:45 so I can march my way over to impending doom... in the form of an Intro to Statistics final exam. This anxiety is rough, man.

Tuve mi examan final para espanol ayer. Espero que habe muy bien, pero no se.

Sometimes I really wonder what people think of me. And if they truly are my friends and like me, or if I'm just one of those people who tags along everywhere so that people feel as if they need to pretend they like me. Things happen so frequently that I'm left out of that make me feel like I am one of those people. I miss Cold Spring.

My Dad has called me practically every day this past week. It's so strange how we talk more now that I'm away than ever before.

I can't wait to go home. A month with no homework, no worries.. just plain freedom and enjoyment. And then, when I come back here... it's time for SoCo!!!!!!

Today is my Natty Watty's birthday! I called her at 12am last night. She was washing her face. I miss her.

Rachelle rearranged our room this weekend without even telling me. I came back from studying to find my stuff all moved around. I broke down. Who does that? I was so upset. Maybe I overreacted, but this is my room too. You don't do things like that. Sometimes I really don't like her.

And most of the time, I really don't like Alex. And, although I hate to admit it, I'm starting not to like the freakmonkey too. What is this? I'm just creating enemies for myself.

Time to go fail. I <3 failure.

Saturday, December 11th, 2004

Subject:I'm in your room.. is this turning you on? Is it turning you on?
Time:3:12 pm.
Mood: cold.
Music:[ Taking Back Sunday - Great Romances of the 20th Century ].
I fucking LOVE this Taking Back Sunday song. It's the perfect Loyola anthem.

"I said this won't mean a thing come tomorrow, and that's exactly how I'll make it seem cuz I'm still not sleepin' thinking I've crawled home from worse than this... She says, 'Come on, come on, let's just get this over with.'"

Gives me shivers and chills listening to it...

I went to my first college basketball game. I left at halftime. Can't say I was too impressed. Haldane's sporting events were much more fun.

Last night we all stayed in. I got out of having to go celebrate with Alex, thank God. We played pong in 715 and I funnelled my first beer! Then, I did it again. Fun fun fun!

I was pretty drunk, but I'm almost positive that Andrea hooked up with Jon. Maybe Francis too. And I'm... crushed. I don't know what the hell it is, but I wanted Jon. Not that I wanted a relationship persay... but I wanted exclusivity. Which, I guess, is a relationship. ARRGG I don't even know what it is about him. But it's obvious that he wants Andrea hardcore. Who doesn't? Skinny, pretty little blond. And what am I? A fat, ugly brunette who's no fun, stupid, and an outcast.

I didn't eat all day. Accomplishing a goal!!!! Going to be skinny... I hope.

Classes are overrrrrrr. No more math classes ever!!! Amazing feeling. Now I have to suffer through finals and fail, and then I get to go home!

I miss my home.

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

Subject:Today I'd like to slip away from all this pain
Time:3:25 pm.
Mood: cold.
Music:[ Counting Crows - Raining in Baltimore ].
Well I had my first college-level nervous breakdown last night. I called my dad and ended up crying to him for about 20 minutes that I had such incredible amounts of work and not nearly enough time to do it all. I know it's completely out of character for me to call him and actually let him hear me cry, but I was so lost and desperate that I didn't know what else there was left to do. Not that it helped me get any of the work done, but it did release enough emotion that I was able to calm down and stop crying.

That is, until I went over to Jess' room and started again. But I'm so lucky to have a friend like her. She calmed me down and helped me clear my head and get to work. And thanks to her, I did a good amount of it and felt more relieved.

I still have a lot to do. But once Dayna gets here at any second, we'll be able to knock out our stats project, then I can focus on the 3 workshops that I have to do for tomorrow, and then later on I can work some more on (and hopefully finish) my sociology paper before meeting Dan and Chris at 8 to rehearse our spanish presentation that's due tomorrow. ::Whew:: That's a mouthful. Not to mention a brainful.

Just 3 more days of classes, 3 stress-packed days, and I'll be able to breathe a little. No one said college was going to be this tough for me. I feel so singled-out in the respect that no one else is struggling this much. But once I get through it (which I will) I'll feel so much stronger and more confident because I'll be able to say, "I did it, I got through it, and I'm still breathing."

It's such a cold, rainy, foggy day outside. It's one of those days that even being inside and wrapped in blankets can't warm you up and all you want to do is curl in bed with some good music or a good movie and sleep away the world. But you can't. Not if you're me.

I miss Ashley and Natasha and Lauren and Adrienne so much. And Buster. And Katie, and yes, even A.J. I want my house, my room, my bed, my kittens, my TV, my old life.

Time to stop blabbering and get to work.

Sunday, December 5th, 2004

Subject:It's been a bad day, another bad day, & all I want to do is look at you & know I'm okay
Time:2:47 pm.
Mood: productive.
Music:[ Howie Day - She Says ].
I'm in the middle of doing my 2500 word sociology final paper on al-Qaeda and I've got 1,059 words down so far. It's taken me nearly two hours. Is that right? I think not. But hey, halfway done is soundin' reaaaal good to me now.

Last night I was at such a low in my depression. I didn't feel like doing a damn thing. And it didn't help that everyone was having a good time down in 715. Well, except for Erinn. Andy was being a dick to her again. But nothing new there. It's hard for me to imagine him being like that because he's so incredibly nice to me, and just about everyone else. Those two are crazy.

I really should be working on that damn paper but I have too many thoughts swimming around in my head that need to get out before I can fully concentrate on it.

Like how I want to go home. So, so badly. And how much Rachelle is getting on my nerves. The smallest things, too. Like how EVERYtime she walks into our bedroom she feels the need to mutter under her breath but loud enough for me to hear, "Oh shit." Repeatedly. And when I ask "what's wrong?" I get the standard, "nothing" as a response. Ok, well if you have nothing to say then don't make it so blatantly obvious that there IS a problem. Keep your mutterings to yourself if you don't want me to ask about them. And don't get so fucking defensive and pissed off if I make a barely audible noise in the room while you're sleeping that wakes you up. I'm sorry that I live here just as much as you do and you can't sleep if there's ANY sort of sound. Not to mention the fact that you wake me up MORE than I do you, and you don't apologize for shit. Ok, so you want to transfer like nobody's business and hate your life here... well quit complaining about it and go out and do something to fix it. No one is going to feel sorry for you if you sit around like a fucking douchebag and complain all the time.

Ok, enough ripping on Rachelle for now. I feel quite relieved just getting that little bit out.

The women's center is offering free massages to student on December 14 and 16 and I want to go and get one.

Just one more week of classes and then 4 finals to take, and I will be finished with my first semester of college. I will then proceed to have an entire month off in which I will have no homework whatsoever to do. This is way too good to be true. But it is!!!

Alright, enough rambling for now and perhaps back to work on this paper so that I can relieve a bit of the tons of stress on my mind.

Saturday, December 4th, 2004

Subject:She said, I don't know if I've ever been good enough, I'm a little bit rusty
Time:11:30 pm.
Mood: depressed.
It's 11:30 on a Saturday night, I'm in college, I'm 18 years old and on top of the world... and I'm sitting in my room alone at my desk, feeling sorry for myself and wanting to slit my wrists.

Does any of that make sense?

We all went to Reefer's last night and I got wasted and threw up in Erinn's room and ended up sleeping in her bed because Rachelle got mad that I was being loud. And I told Erinn, in my uncontrollable emotional rage, that I was extremely upset that I left my razors home and wanted to cut. Not a good idea. Of course, I didn't know I said it. Now I've got her eagle-stare on me constantly.

Apparently, I must cut this self-pity wallow short because Erinn has come to steal me.

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

Subject:And you can tell I get real ignorant, cuz 'nigga I'm from New York
Time:4:51 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:[ The Starting Line - Piano Song ].
Haha great song, gotta represent the NY.

Well, break came and went so fast that it might as well have not come at all. It was incredibly relaxing and great to be away from school and it's people and drama for a few days and to be back in the little bubble that shields itself from reality that we call Cold Spring. I was worried that things with the crew would be different, but they were just like old times. I missed those girls so fucking much. All that I do with them is laugh and have fun and be happy; they're amazing. I'm counting the days till Christmas break now. (16, by the way)

Now that I'm back here, I feel more depressed than I did before I left. I suppose a large factor in this is the gianormous workload that I have consisting of projects, tests, and papers out the wazoo. Wow, I didn't even know I had a wazoo.

I decided to not hook up with anyone for a long, long time. Random drunk hookups were fun for a while, but after making out with "Smore" the Friday before break (who we all thought was gay) I decided enough was enough. Oh yeah, and Meg Carson hooked up with Jon. AFTER she called me a slut at Reefer's, and immediately after telling Taylor that "If I can't have Andy Divin, I'll go for the next best thing." Isn't this hilarious? It's an Alpha Floor orgy, everyone just jump on in. Come on, why don't we all just fuck each other and get it over with???

The worst part is... well ok, it's ALL the worst part. I'm not jealous, persay, it's more of an... anger, I guess. This kind of situation has never really happened to me before and I realize now how naive I've always been in thinking that when a guy hooks up with me, he won't hook up with anyone else. But then again, this is my first time in college, so I've got some coming to grips with reality to do. I mean, it would be completely hypocritical of me to be condemn him for it, because that night I hooked up with Patrick. Eh, who cares. This is going under my "not giving a fuck" file.

I miss home already. And I miss Buster. And when I saw Chris again and we hugged goodbye, the feelings came back. And they brought with them the memories. And I miss them now. I miss him. I miss being in love and being happy, completely, unconditionally happy.

Ok, by now I'm just rambling. This usually occurs when I'm depressed. Time to go.

Monday, November 15th, 2004

Subject:Cuz you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
Time:1:01 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music:[ Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have to Love ].
What a random weekend. I did absolutely nothing, yet somehow ended up being incredibly busy. Friday night, we just ended up partying in 715... like always. And yeah... Jon and I mm hmm, happened again. Then I overheard him telling Brendan about it. Called him out on it, got some bullshit excuse... whatever, I learned my lesson, it happened, I don't regret anything because I chose to do it. I just wish things had turned out a little differently, that's all. There's nothing wrong with wishing.

Saturday, now that's a spontaneous night. I got a call from KOB at 6 in the evening telling me that he, Kilkenney, and Adam were on their way down and would be here around 11. Imagine my shock. I was stunned. So Brendan and I went on a run and I got some liquor for them. I was a bit nervous that they wouldn't really get along with the 715 boys... but as soon as they met, Kilkenny yelled out "Booyakasha!" and that was it; the boys LOVED him. Of course, it was the Ali G bond. And Taylor and Kilkenny hit it off being Irish. It was a good time.

Except it was very awkward because it's now very obvious that Kevin likes me, and wants more than a friendship from me. And there I was, sitting on Andy's bed in 715 with Jon in the room and Kevin trying to be near and touching me constantly. When not even 24 hours before, I was in bed with Jon. Oh the awkwardness.

I'm lost as to what to do with the Kevin situation. I don't want anything more than friendship with him; he's too good a friend for me to spoil anything. But if I tell him the truth, chances are things will end up being ruined anyway. But, I can't lead him on. So complicated.

This is my life.

Already, it's starting to look like this week is also going to be hell. Bring on the break... I need home.
8 days 8 days 8 days 8 days 8 days 8 days 8 days
Can't come any sooner.

Katelyn and I are going to Barnes & Noble around 3 to do work and chill in Starbucks. I need that relaxation.

Saturday, November 13th, 2004

Subject:There's things I remember, and things I forget... I miss you, I guess that I should
Time:1:27 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:[ damien rice - cannonball ].
I am so sick and tired of this school already. I cannot wait to go home. As of now, 10 days. 10 days till I'm back in my own home, in my own bed, with my own friends, and my own family, and my town with the lonely traffic light and the dead-end losers who barely even go to community colleges. And its own small-town drama. Because I can't take the big-city drama here in Baltimore. Of course, I suppose that I create it for myself. But either way, that doesn't stop it from affecting me.

Why did I think that any of the guys here would be any better than the stereotype? Jon and I happened again last night. When I stopped in the hallway before going to bed to call Kevin, I heard him telling Brendan. And I heard things I didn't like that I don't even want to repeat. So I called him out on it. I caught him. And he told me he "tells his best friends everything, and Brendan is his best friend, and don't I tell my best friends everything?" Then he pinky swore that things would change, starting today. Ha, I'll believe it IF it happens.

Perfect way to begin my weekend from hell after my week-from-hell, I suppose.

Oh yeah, I cut last night. Saw the blood again. It felt so right, and so wrong at the same time. But I needed it. I needed to cry, I needed to release something. "This place and this city, it's good for nothing but feeling down." Mae said it right.

By the way, today begins my reinitiation of starving myself. I guess I started a little by only eating salads for meals the past week or so. But then I went and ate other stuff... so that needs to end. I think I'll start by easing into it, eating less and less. Need to get my stomach smaller to start. I'll focus on this, and be able to block out the other shit that I can't stand anymore.

I went rock-climbing on the wall last night. Practically our entire floor (ok, well our side of the hallway) went to the FAC together. It was so much fun. I really like it. Hopefully I'll get to go somewhat often and get better at it.

Mom and Dad bought a condo in Fort Myers. It'll be built by December. I'm really excited; I can't wait to go down there and see it. And Dad said I could use it for spring break or anytime my friends and I wanted to go down.

I miss my home. This place seems as if it will never fit me. Or should I say, I'll never fit it.

I went to the Yellowcard concert on Thursday. I had a great time. The Starting Line opened, along with the Matches and some other band. Yellowcard was awesome!

Gotta go, Erinn's here.

Monday, November 8th, 2004

Subject:I think I miss you most on Wednesday and Saturdays
Time:2:17 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
My period came, and with it my PMS. Or dysthymia. Can't really tell the difference anymore. So I'm down more than usual. Actually, now that I think about it, I think it's a double-whammy combination of both. Lovely.

I watched Saved last night in 715 with the guys and a few of the girls. I liked it. It was fun seeing Mandy Moore play a bitch for once. Except I stayed up way too late watching it and am paying for it now. Must... not.. fall.. asleep...

Andy and Taylor dragged me down to Primo's last night. And when I say dragged, I mean literally. Andy flung me over his shoulder while Taylor stopped my every attempt to stop them from bringing me to Primo's against my free will. The entire way, down the elevator, down the stairs, out the door, and through the parking lots. I can't believe he didn't collapse from my extreme weight.

I think I'm sick of being used. By Jon. See, on Saturday night we were all playing Kings in the guys' room and everyone got really drunk. Towards the later portion of the night, Jon started holding me and touching me and being really close to me. Presumably with the intention of getting some. For some reason, I wasn't too into it and sorta brushed him off and eventually went back to my room by myself. Then Rachelle comes in to tell me that she's sleeping in 715 and Jon is coming to sleep with me. I'm thinking to myself, "Ok whatever.. I'm really tired and just want to sleep." To make a long story short, Jon ended up getting sick in our bathroom, was too embarassed (his pride was hurt, haha) and didn't want to show his face so he went back to his room. Looking back on it, I can say I'm glad it happened because I most likely wouldn't have liked what may have happened if he stayed.

I'll update more later; Katelyn just called and we're meeting at Primo's.

Saturday, November 6th, 2004

Subject:I hope that all is well in heaven, cuz it's all shot to hell down here
Time:2:33 am.
Mood: blah.
Music:anything suicidal.
I have no idea why the hell I get in these fucking weird-ass moods where my mood changes every 10-20 minutes. And the good moods don't last nearly as long as the bad ones.

Right now, I could be over in 715 with the rest of the crew playing beer pong. Or I could be upstairs in 802 chillin' with Alby and Patrick. Or even out at Reefer's if I wanted to be. But no, my fucking dysthymia kicks in and makes me want to curl into a ball and die.

It's the complete opposite from last night. Me, Andy, Jon, Rachelle, Jess, Brendan, and Francis went to Hammerjacks. I used my fake ID and it worked! Hell yeahhh baby. Pay for cover and it's all you can drink, free!!! I definately took advantage of that by consuming everything in sight. I had a GREAT fucking time, dancing up a storm. Brendan even almost got into a fight with some kid trying to get my number (I don't remember this, I was totally wasted off my ass). I blacked out and somehow wound up in my bed. Don't remember a good hour at the club, or how I got home. But what I do remember is having an amazing time!!!

I went for a run yesterday in the rain with Andy. We ran for an hour, all over the place. It was cold and wet and so much fun. We went to the park across the street in the dark and played on the playground and I pushed him down the slide into the giant puddle at the bottom. I like Andy. But I guess it's hard NOT to. He's so kind, and considerate. Why did I have to pick Jon to hook up with? Even though Andy's a manwhore... he's still nice about it. Jon barely talks to me anymore. Not that I care all that much... but it's the principle of it.

I saw Saw tonight with Taylor, Jon, Andy, Erin, Brendan, Mike, Bill, Gavin, Rachelle, and Alex. It was pretty good. Brendan laughed at me when I jumped.

I'm starting to really not like Alex. The more I get to know her, the more I dislike about her. Such as her extreme flirtiness. With EVERYONE THAT HAS A PENIS. She's NOT that pretty, people. And I don't find her funny, either. Actually, quite annoying sometimes. Erinn agrees with me.

But I like Mike a lot. He's a cool kid. Gotta start hangin' out with him more. I need to branch out... these same old people are beginning to drive me crazy.

I really love Erinn. She's most like me; we relate to each other totally. And she's genuinely sweet and kind and caring.

Rachelle is getting on my nerves a lot lately, too. She leaves her stuff all over the room, she doesn't talk to me anymore, she barely acknowledges me, she gives the bare minimum answer when I ask her a question, and she's just overall... dumb, for lack of a better word. Whatever... these people are truly igniting some insanity in me.

I want to go home. I'm homesick, believe it or not. I want my old friends, and I want my own room, and I want my senior-year-atmosphere. That was the greatest year of my life. I don't fit in at college. Not here, anyway. And I have tried. It's not one of those cases where I sat around my room the entire time wishing somebody would come talk to me. I put myself out there and don't get any response. Maybe this wasn't the right choice. Maybe I spoke too soon.

Now there's nothing for me to do but vent to my secret little piece of cyberspace. But my razor looks awfully inviting.

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004

Subject:I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind
Time:8:41 pm.
Mood: calm.
This past week has been eventful... I guess. As eventful as a pathetic college life can get, anyway.

On Saturday night I went to my first Johns Hopkins frat party. Not one, but two, actually. Katelyn told me about this one Halloween frat party so me, Halle, Erinn, Andrea, Erin, Jess, Meg, Lizzy, and 2 of Halle's friends who were visiting from home all went. I thought it was pretty cool, but we didn't see anyone from Loyola there so we went to this other frat about 10 blocks away where Kenny was playing in a band. That one was a LOT of fun, for me anyway. Probably because I was pretty trashed, but hey, that's what frat parties are all about! When we got there we ran into Alby, Patrick, Christina and a few other people from school. I fucking LOVE Alby; he's hysterical! And Patrick, too! I have gay friends!!! Except, Alby did try to get me, him and Patrick into a threesome together...

Gay guys are the best.

Halloween we went to Fells Point for a while, but it was nothing special so we came back and watched a movie with Mike, Rachelle, Nadine, and Erin. Pretty low-key Halloween.. but I still had work to do.

I saw The Grudge on Friday night with Dan, Kevin, Andrea, Jim, Alex, Jim's girlfriend, Tess, Catherine, Michelle, and some other random people. It was the scariest fucking movie I've ever seen. And right at one of the scariest parts, Dan (who was sitting behind me) grabbed the top of my head. And Kevin clung to Andrea the whole time. It was hysterical.

Dan's coming over now to watch Big Fish. I'm so excited to see it!

Home in 3 weeks exactly!

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004

Subject:even the best fall down sometimes
Time:2:06 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:[ howie day - perfect time of day ].
i love erinn for obsessing me with howie day.

and i've been spending wayyy too much money down here. too bad it's not going to stop. this friday we're going to frightfest at 6 flags, so thats about another $30 dropped, and then tomorrow night we're hitting up hammerjacks again, so there goes another $20 or so. even though i refused to take the money that dad offered me, i think i may need to ask for it... no matter how much i don't want to.

i want to go home again. for the weekend. but it's such a far drive for dad.. and so expensive for the train. damn this mid-semester homesickness that i never thought i'd have.

gotta head over to humanities for my alpha hour. we're watching charlie brown's halloween special and eating pizza. free food, score!

Blurty for | Between your smiles & regrets |.

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