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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005

Subject:My profile... just in case
Time:5:59 pm.
I rock too fast for love

Party hard;
If you do something you'll regret in the morning, sleep late

Living like life's going out of style

*I've seen a million faces & I've rocked them all*

Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
Cuz all of our moves make up for the silence

Loyola '08
Good times never seemed so good
I've been inclined to believe they never would

Desayuno04: great minds thinnk about chipotle
Copyright 2005 Jon A. Nagel

Sunday, December 11th, 2005

Subject:And I laughed at myself while the tears rolled down...
Time:2:59 am.
Mood: sad.
Here I am already, 5 days away from being finished with the first semester of my sophomore year. It's unbelievable how fast the time went by. Seems like just a week ago when I first moved in. A lot has happened, not all good, but not all bad.

Chris and I are sleeping together again. But we're not dating. We're not together. I feel like I'm using him. But is it using him if I still love him? DO I still love him? I don't even know anymore. He's been down to Loyola to visit me 2 times within a month, and I'm either totally happy with him or completely annoyed. But I sleep with him anyway.

I called Kevin over Thanksgiving Break because I needed to tell him that I still care about him as a friend and that things happen so unexpectedly that I didn't want something to happen and I to not have the chance to tell him ever. Francine Karagas died. She was killed by a drunk driver near Dutchess Manor right before break. Reality has hit the kids of Cold Spring. Any of us could go at any moment.

I forgot how much it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you. It kills you, it eats you from inside, it makes you sick to your stomach. It aches and tears and stabs your heart. It burns and ravages and rages unstoppable. It's torture.

But crying feels so good. It's such a release. It makes you so tired that you just pass out and sleep for long, long periods of time and during those times you don't have to think or feel or remember anything. I haven't cried this much in a while... in too long. I miss Kevin and I miss having him care about me. I'm not over him, no matter what I tell people. But I haven't told anyone. I can't. It was hard enough just writing that down and admitting it to myself. I shouldn't care, I don't WANT to care. It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad.

It hurts so bad. I miss being in love with one person and being wrapped up in a world of complete romance and security. But life's not like that. I lived for too long in a bubble of illusion. Nothing gold can stay.

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005

Subject:This makes me cry
Time:5:08 pm.
When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you. You thanked her by crying all night long.

When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk. You thanked her by running away when she called.

When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with love. You thanked her by tossing your plate on the floor.

When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons. You thanked her by coloring the dining room table.

When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays. You thanked her by plopping into the nearest pile of mud.

When you were 6 years old, she walked you to school. You thanked her by screaming, "I'M NOT GOING!"

When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball. You thanked her by throwing it through the next-door-neighbor's window.

When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream. You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons. You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old she drove you all day, from soccer to gymnastic to one birthday party after another. You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.

When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming. You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.

When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, she taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, she was expecting an important call. You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing anyone. You thanked her by saying, "It's none of your business."

When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for your future. You thanked her by saying, "I don't want to be like you."

When you were 22, she hugged you at your college graduation. You thanked her by asking whether she could pay for a trip to Europe.

When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your first apartment. You thanked her by telling your friends it was ugly.

When you were 24, she met your fiance and asked about your plans for the future. You thanked her by glaring and growling, "Muuhh-ther, please!"

When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you. You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.

When you were 30, she called with some advice on the baby. You thanked her by telling her, "Things are different now."

When you were 40, she called to remind you of a relative's birthday. You thanked her by saying you were "really busy right now."

When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.

And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on your your heart.

Monday, June 13th, 2005

Subject:Am I more than you bargained for yet?
Time:4:35 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:[ Straylight Run - It's For The Best ].
My life is spinning out of control for the first time in over four years. This is getting to be too much now. Between Pop dying, my miserable job, no time with friends, my weight problem, getting sick, missing people from Loyola, having nothing to do, a troubled family, and my mood swings, I'm falling deeper and deeper into another depression. Right at this moment, there is nothing good in sight. Life's moving too fast and whether I like it or not, we're growing up. We're losing the best years of our life at rapid speed, and the fact that we'll soon have nothing to look forward to but a life of mundane activities and dull, repetitive days is overly depressing and almost too much to take. I'd rather be dead.

Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive

My life is such shit compared to only a year ago. Have I already gone past my prime? At age 18, I sit here dreading the coming years. This overwhelming feeling of loneliness and restlessness is just washing over me, taking over my every thought and consuming my waking moments until it's all I can think about. I find solace in nothing, nothing permament or constructive or healthy. Alcohol is what I turn to now, and I just keep picturing myself in 10 years, as this pathetic, sad, lonely woman drinking herself to death.

And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
I've disregarded what I was now that I'm older
And I know much more than I did back then
But the more I learn the more I can't understand
And I've become content with this life that I lead
Where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything
And I lie to myself and say, "It's for the best"

I feel so worthless and useless and just terrible. I constantly want to be alone, but once I am, I feel the need to reach out to people. But I feel like there's no one there to reach out to. The people who try to be there I just push away. I'm mean. I'm cold-hearted. But all I do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I don't try to help my situation. I'm apathetic. I'm just sinking in deeper. Until it's too late. Will it be too late? Am I already a lost case? I certainly feel lost. I'm beyong feeling anything positive. Just gloom and despair. I want to feel alive again. I want to breathe. I want to smile, and mean it. I don't know what to do. I know that crouching on my bedroom floor and wringing my head in my hands is not going to do any good, but I'm lost as for what else to do. I don't help myself. And I don't let anyone else help me either.

Thursday, June 9th, 2005

Subject:In memory of you...
Time:2:56 pm.
Music:[ Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me ].
95 years ago today, you were brought into this world. Less than a month ago, you left it. I wish you could have seen all the people who came to bid you farewell. You were a wonderful man and you did so many incredible things with your life. People from all over loved and respected you, and you made the family name a famous one, one that people now look up to. I only regret that I did not get to know you more, and that I did not spend more time with you or let you know how I felt about you. But it is in losing the things we value that makes us value them more and see how much they truly meant to us. I can only hope that you know how proud I am of you and how much you are missed. I love you. Rest in Peace, Pop.

Subject:Mmm I love emolyrics
Time:2:42 pm.
It's morning
I wake up
The taste of summer sweetness on my mind
It's a clear day
In this city
Let's go dance under the street lights

party hard ;; if you do something you'll
regret in the morning ยป ..... sleep late

Come on baby, we can do it for fun

When you're left with only a bullet,
I'll bring the trigger with the promise to pull it.
I'll be the end of everyone who's ever entered your life
and taken peices out of it
I'll give you enough time to regain yor composure...
to reconstruct a heart that's torn apart from over-exposure
I know forever isn't long enough to forget the faces and places
that played out your tragedy

& summer, summer
where night belongs to lust & lover
& summer, summer
i am here to win you over
you will be mine this year

You're cynical and beautiful
You always make a scene
You're monochrome delerious
You're nothing that you seem
I'm drowning in your vanity
Your laugh is a disease
You're dirty and you're sweet
You know you're everything to me

i hope he takes his time
and i hope he keeps your eyes closed tight
and i hope that when he leaves,
you still smell him on your sheets
because i can, i can.

Wednesday, May 25th, 2005

Subject:Sugar, we're going down swinging
Time:6:12 pm.
Mood: cold.
Music:New Fall Out Boy Album.
Well it's been an interesting few weeks at home. Not a wonderful way to kick off the summer, I must say. I came home on Monday, May 9th... and that Friday Pop June passed away. God, I feel so guilty and terrible. Just plain miserable. I never got to say goodbye to him, or to tell him that I loved him one last time. I don't even know if anyone was with him when he left. My parents didn't care. His own sons didn't care much either. My parents never told me how serious it was and I doubt they'd have even told he he'd actually died if I hadn't been in their room late that night when the phone rang. But the wake and funeral were beautiful. So many people came, including Pataki and hundreds of cops and people from all over. I loved him, I miss him. Ronald McConville was a great man and he deserves to be in a restful, peaceful place for the rest of eternity, away from all the suffering and evil of this world.

I started working the Thursday I got home. Which means I had about 3 days of true summer with nothing to do. Tash, Ash and I work at Maya Cafe and I get to work on my spanish since that's all they speak anyway. It's not a terrible job... but I'd actually prefer Renegades, if it paid me more.

I got the new FOB album yesterday and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!! They're going to be at KFEST and Jordan said Joe would give me free tickets, so all I need to do is make sure I can take off work and I get to see them live! Woooooo, it would make my summer so much better!

Chris' formal was fun. Antoine and his other friends were all really nice to me, although I felt quite intimidated being only a freshman among graduating seniors. Still, it was a nice time. All you can drink... what isn't nice about that?

I still don't know what I want right now. I fucked up terribly and feel like a guilty shit about it... but what else is new? That's just the story of my life.

So a few days ago I signed online and immediately got an IM from none other that Salvatore Gaetani himself, the one who told me I was crazy and never to talk to him ever again. Yup, that's right. Sal. Being NORMAL. Or, as normal as he can be. Trying to be friends again, perhaps? Writing off his actions and attitude at the end of the semester as a result of his "having a lot of shit to deal with that he didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about." Hmm. Thankfully, I've learned to take everything with a grain of salt.

So nothing too exciting is going on now. Just dumb drama that I feel too tired to deal with... so I let it be and hope for the best. But I know it won't be long before it bites me in my big fat ass.

Speaking of fat asses... mine is just enormous. I NEED TO STOP EATING. I know it's terrible to say, but once I eat a little I just want it all. It's all or nothing with me... and nothing is a lot better than 5,000 calories a day. And I know I tell myself this everyday, but tomorrow will start the severe diet. I've been running a bit again since I've gotten home but that's just not enough. No food can make its way past my lips. And if it ever does, it must come out. I'm not ashamed to admit (at least to my Blurty) that I've thrown up quite a bit in the last few weeks. Not that it's helping. That's why simply not eating at all is the only way. I really have let myself go and it just can't be like that anymore. I'm disgusted with myself.

I want to be thin, I want to be beautiful and attractive and I want people to look at me and be jealous and wish that they could look like me, instead of me always longingly gazing at the girls in magazines and wishing that I looked like them. I want to BE them. I will be them. I did it last summer, so why can't I this year? And this time, I'll be sure to keep it off. A thin Meg... here she comes.

Thursday, May 12th, 2005

Subject:But there's reasons, darlin', you'll never know...
Time:6:20 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:[ Ryan Cabrera - Reasons ].
Summertime and the livin's easy! It felt like this time would never come, but it's here and I'm happy again.

Of course, there are the terrible parts. But every apple has its bruises. Pop June is in the hospital with pneumonia. He's been there since last Thursday and they're not really sure what's going to happen to him. Aunt Barbara is even up for a few days to see him, which cannot be a really good sign. It's times like these when I wish I believed in God so I had someone to plea to.

And Ashley is having so much trouble at home with her family and all. Her mom apparently was doing coke for 4 or 5 months and they don't know if they can send her back to Clemson and her sister just gets drunk every night. I feel terrible and there's nothing I can do. But she seems happy enough when she's with us, and that's all we can do for her.

Natasha and I just got a job today working at Maya Cafe. I'm hostessing and she's going to be the cashier. I'm so glad we got to work together, and it's such luck that we got this job so easily. We just drove up there, filled out the application in the parking lot, and he called us tonight. We start next week. Awesome.

I saw Chris the other night. Looks like we'll be getting back together, or starting up something again, or whatever. I don't know if I'm ready for a serious relationship again, and I guess I should tell him that because I think that's what he wants. Ohhhh I get myself into such trouble. I'm going to his senior formal with him next Friday.

It feels great to be home and free of school responsibilities for 4 months. Although, I do miss my LoCos. But it's fine, because I'll see the people I care most about over the summer. AND NO MORE RACHELLE!!!! I think that just may be the best part.

Time to go get ready and maybe take a quick run before meeting up with Nat and Ash later for a little OC get-together.

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

Subject:What's the point in screaming? No one's listening anyway
Time:6:42 pm.
Mood: stressed.
Music:[ Goo Goo Dolls - Acoustic #3 ].
Okay so the countdown has arrived at 6. 6 days left as a freshman. 6 days until I can leave this place that has come to feel so comfortable and go back to my real home, surrounded by people who have known me forever. SIX DAYS CANNOT COME ANY FASTER!!!

5 finals in these 6 days is going to suck balls. BIG balls. Hairy ones, too. I feel as though I'm prepared for a few of them, and those I just want to get over with. But I have to wait. And the fact that there are still 5 tests looming in my future just eats away at me like acid. I need to focus on the here and now instead of looking ahead so much. But that's almost impossible, because if you don't look ahead enough then you can't prepare yourself adequately. FUCK THIS!

Rachelle is the biggest indirect bitch ever. I cannot wait until I leave here and don't have to deal with her ever again. I hate her, I really do. Can't stand living with her. She makes my life much more miserable than it has to be.

I think I spend more time washing the fucking dishes here than anything else. Doesn't fucking Alex get the hint that she needs to wash some of the crap when I was everything in the sink BESIDES what she uses? GOD these people are morons.

I'm sick now, and tired. Another night of disrupted sleep by Rachelle is to blame. BITCH.

Okay I need to stop ranting so much. I'm overreacting because I'm way too stressed.

Wednesday, April 27th, 2005

Subject:Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me
Time:3:17 pm.
Mood: peaceful.
I reaalllyyy need to focus more on my schoolwork. My slacker-ness bit me in the ass today when I got back my Spanish test with a big red 66.6 on it. FUCK ME. That is going to bring my grade down so much; I'm really going to need to nail the final in order to pull a B or higher for that class.

LoCo is getting to me more. The days are just dragging by. All I want is my own, tiny, cramped little bed and my purple sheets and my wacked-out cats and spastic mother and my own television and my own room so I can crawl under the covers naked after getting out of the shower and sing in the bathroom and pass out on the futon eating tons of food and watch reruns of Whose Line late into the night.

I miss CS.


So I really need to stop eating. I've gained way too much weight here and despite my FAC addiction the pounds just keep piling on. I had Subway today for lunch with Jess so I'm not going to have dinner. Besides, I need to stretch my meal plan for the rest of the 12 days anyway.

This is pretty much my last week of babysitting. I'll go on Monday because that's a regular class day, but after that I really need to buckle down and study hardcore for these finals. I have one everyday straight through from the first day with only Sunday as a break.

Gotta go - too many IM's

Monday, April 25th, 2005

Subject:I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
Time:10:01 am.
Mood: stressed.
Music:[ Brand New - Me vs. Madonna vs. Elvis ].
Welllllll it's been an interesting week or so. It went by fairly quickly, looking back on it. I babysat a lot this week, which took up a good amount of my time. Add that to all the work I've had and tests I've (probably) failed and food I've eaten and you've got one stressed out Meg.

We're finally down to the home-stretch. One week left of classes, 5 straight days of finals (for me) and then I've completed my freshman year of college. Where the hell did all the time go??? I can still remember moving all my crap up 7 flights of stairs and getting the butterflies of uncertainty when you had no idea who you were going to meet or what was going to happen and now... it's practically all over and I'm going back to good, old, safe, predictable CSNY with my wonderful family and psychotic NHSH girls.

Friday night we couldn't go to Reefer's cuz we got word that it was going to be raided. In fact, we heard that all of Fells was going to be raided so we stayed in, bought 90 beers and some 151 and were set. Erinn and I actually ended up going to Swallows randomly with Alby, Matt, Harry, and Matt's brother. Don't ask me how; all of a sudden I was in a cab getting out on York Road. Only stayed for about half an hour. I didn't like it; it was way too small and crowded.

I babysat on Saturday evening and when I got back I went to see Sahara with Jess, Taylor, Andrew, Alyssa and Connor. Then we got back and I had some Absinth and we played Kings in 715 and somehow Jess, Andy's friend Katelyn and I ended up in our bras and the boys were wearing our shirts. So we're sitting there in our underwear when Joey's room got back from York with Sweeney (whose birthday it was) and random people and they all come into 715 and were just shocked. It was actually quite amusing to see their faces. Harry was with them and he was just like "Whoa, Meg!" We ended up making out a little much later on that night... then Jess and I had a deep conversation with Jon on his bed and totally passed out.

I practically spent all day Sunday in my bed with Jess watching Cruel Intentions and Sex and the City. Good stuff.

Now, this week will be packed with useless projects and meaningless assignments and pointless tests and difficult papers. FUCK ME.

I want to go home. Too much of a good thing really can get to you. Loyola is like chocolate; the more you eat, the sicker you feel.

Sunday, April 17th, 2005

Subject:Press your lips against my own so I know just the way you taste
Time:11:23 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Music:[ Mae - Someone Else's Arms ].
The past weekend was long, fun, amazing, went super-fast and sucked... all at the same time.

Thursday, we drove up to York College to see SoCo play. That was amazing, as always. I've come to expect nothing else from SoCo. My 9th show and I've still never been disappointed. Especially afterwards, when we hung out by the tour bus and got to meet Andrew and Brian, take pictures, and get autographs. Andrew had a mob around him, like usual, but Brian we got to talk to for a while, and he's such a nice guy. We told him to come to Loyola and joked around with him and he's so cool. I <3 SoCo.

Friday night we went to the Yanks vs. O's game at Camden. It would have been a much better time if the Yankees had not been crushed by the Orioles. Jon, Joey and I were completely embarassed by the Yanks. Disappointing.

After the game we went straight to Reefer's. Jon and I had a chugging contest which I proceeded to win, and therefor controlled how much and when he drank for the rest of the night. Whoever said girls can't drink beer needs to hit up Reefer's on a Friday night and watch how I do.

So we hung out there for a long time and eventually ended up back in 715 where I drank Absinth. THE DEVIL!!! I was drunk at the time I drank it so I was able to take it straight, but that stuff burned for about 5 minutes after I swallowed it. No wonder it's illegal. I hung around 715 till about 3am when Harry called me and I went out in the hall to see him (he had been spitting game all night) and we made out a little bit. I was ashamed of it the next morning but now I realize it's really not a big deal because it meant nothing to me.

I slept till 10:30 Saturday morning (Alby somehow ended up sleeping in my bed with me and went back to his room at 7:30) and then did a little spring cleaning and went out to tan at the park with Jess and Alby till about 4. Then we got ready for Relay and headed over to the student center.

Relay was amazing. Hal and Erinn and Francis and everyone did a wonderful job setting it up and getting it all together and it couldn't have turned out any better. Our goal was $30,000 and we ended up raising $76,000 for our first-year event. Incredible. I had a good time. It was sort of like a giant sleepover, minus the sleeping part.

Matt and Harry turned up at Relay drunk trying to get girls to leave and go drink and hook up with them. I didn't give in to Harry's requests and they left, girl-less.

I finally got back to the room at 7am and totally passed out until 5 this afternoon. I finished reading the book for Western Civ and now am relaxing a little, contemplating whether to study for Spanish or just go back to bed.

Rachelle went to Florida for the weekend so I've got the room to myself until tomorrow night. It's wonderful. So relaxing... I'm finally able to be isolated completely from college life at my own choice. I WANT MY OWN ROOM FOREVER!!!!

Home is looking really good to me right now. To be able to relax away from all these people and their drama will be so nice. Of course, I will miss being able to walk a few steps outside my room and be with the wonderful friends I've made here. Not to worry much though, cuz I know I'll see a good amount of them over the summer, which is only 3 weeks away. Time flies.

I guess I'd better study a little bit so I don't go down in flames on tomorrow's Spanish quiz.

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

Subject:Inside this room, time will stand still as long as we're not aware of change
Time:1:57 pm.
Mood: chipper.
Music:[ Daphne Loves Derby - Midnight Highway ].
Wow, it's been a while! I've been busy - that is, I've been busy with things more important then my poor, neglected Blurty. Time is absolutely flying by down here; it's already halfway through April with less than a month of my first year of college to go. Difficult to believe that I'm almost a sophomore. Life really does move too quickly.

But I suppose that the reason it's going so fast is because I'm not hating it. I'm having a good time here. I love Loyola... okay, maybe I shouldn't go so far as to say "love," because there's always those aspects that I absolutely hate. But I'm happy here. I've made good friends, good memories, and decent grades (so far, crossing of the fingers necessary here). I'm still babysitting and bringing in an income, so I've only asked my parents for money one time all year. I'm really proud of myself; I'm independent and can actually make it on my own. Well, as much on my own as one can be living on-campus.

So much has happened in the weeks that I abandoned my Blurty. Let's see... some major points:
-Sal and I are no longer friends thanks to his immaturity and a giagantic confusion that no one is willing to sort out.
-Andrea and Lizzy have tossed away Er, Hal and I for some new, apparently better friends, which makes for an interesting rooming situation next year if Halle ends up transferring.
-Brittany Ellwanger and I have become decent friends, and she will hopefully be rooming with us next year, taking the place of Crazy Meg (who we got stuck with) or Hal if she leaves.
-Barry and I have become tight, as well as Andrew and I and pretty much the rest of Sal's room, excluding him, of course.
-Came close to hooking up with Harry, which is still a possibility.
-Adrienne and Natasha came down for a visit one weekend last month! So nice to see them again.
-KOB and Kilkenney also came for a night.
-Florida for Easter was amazing. Sunny, hot, and paradise. I got so tanned in only 4 days.
-The weekend following Florida, the fam was here for Katie's Downstate tournament. I got to spend a good amount of time with them; all of Saturday with mom and dad and Kelsey and Dan (who ended up picking on me the entire time). It was a really great day.
I think that's all for now... I know that I'm missing tons but those were just some major occurances...

Anyway, now that the weather's finally been nice (Spring has Sprung!) I'm able to run outside every day! Joy! I go with Andy, who's a wonderful running partner because he really pushes me and as a result I end up running a lot farther than I think I can.

I went grocery shopping last night with the roomies. Stocked up on enough food so that it should last me till the end of the year along with whatever's left on my meal plan. I hate going to Primo's all the time, and it is so expensive.

Perhaps the biggest news of the last few weeks have been that Chris and I are talking again. ::Gasp:: And not just friendly talking... talking about getting back together. See, I went to Mad River in Federal Hill last Thursday with Alison Koejente and Jess and Julie Robertson and Andrea Bildman and other random people because Ali's boyfriend is training to be DJ there, so we got in with IDs and what-not. We got there really early so we ended up coming home around 1am. I was drunk, but of course that's when you're most bold, so I IMed Chris right away and demanded him to confirm or deny my suspicion that he had another girlfriend. Unfortunately, it was confirmed when he told me that he was seeing someone....
Anyway, the next day (when I was sober) we talked about it and he ended up telling me that while he was with another girl, he still ultimately wants me, to be with me again. He told me how he views the other girl as nothing more than a really, really close friend (obviously she's really really close) and that if it came to it, if I said the words, that he'd leave her and we could start again.

While that idea of starting over with him has been in my mind for a few weeks now, I'm still unsure. I know that I do still care about him, otherwise I wouldn't be in this predicament. But I'm not sure how much of my unsettledness is over me missing him, or my being jealous that he's found someone else and I haven't. I'm a selfish person, I know it, and that's what scares me. But I do care still, despite what everyone says or thinks.

I suppose I can wait the 4 weeks until I get home to decide what to do. But I know that I should tell him that I plan on doing that.

Anyway, my brain is a little fried right now from binary in computer science. So we'll leave the deep stuff for later.

This week is terribly busy. Tons of homework to do, as well as the SoCo show at York College on Thursday, Yankees vs. Orioles on Friday, Reefer's afterwards, Relay for Life on Saturday, and more work on Sunday. Gonna be a looooong weekend.


Thursday, March 10th, 2005

Subject:I'm running in the rain again...
Time:10:33 am.
A few lyrics I wanted to keep someplace...

So I'm running in the rain again
and my clothes cling to me like you used to...

Carve your name in this bullet
So everyone will know
You were the last thing
That went through my mind..

In one night you made me your own
In one hour you gave me away

Tell me you don't miss these brown eyes
And that you're not in love

Sometimes its easier to say you don't care
than to explain all the reasons why you do

Giving in was always easier than giving up

The amount of pills I'm taking counteracts the booze I'm drinking
and this vanity I'm breaking, lets me live my life like this
and well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say

...and he said "I'll always be your shoulder to cry on."
...and she said "but you'll never be my hand to hold."

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005

Subject:You remind me of a song I used to know
Time:1:20 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:[ JamisonParker - Your Song ].
Well this has been an interesting week so far. And to think, it's only Wednesday.

Rachelle's birthday was Sunday, so Saturday night she stayed in a hotel with her family while they visited. I had the room to myself. So what did I do? Invited Matt over, of course. Hahahaha, got what I wanted, and we'll leave it at that. Of course, this was after I beat Sal 2 out of 3 times in beer pong. I rule all.

We got a lot of snow on Monday, and classes after 12 got cancelled. I skipped Spanish because I needed to sleep and try to get better, so I ended up only going to Writing because we had our midterm. After that, I went to the FAC and lazed around allll day because I didn't want to venture out into the blizzard.

Yesterday, I didn't have class at all because classes until 10am were cancelled, and I didn't have to go to Comp Sci because I don't present my topic till tomorrow. So I had a true snow day, my first college one. Woo. It felt like a Saturday.. and I didn't accomplish much at all.

Now, here comes the real juicy stuff:
Monday night, a few people from Sal's room were drinking. Okay, so it was Sal, Andrew, and Ean, who doesn't even live on our floor. Sal got really, really wasted, and when he gets drunk, he can get belligerent. Which he did. He flipped out because someone changed his away message and I jokingly admitted to it, even though I had no idea what was going on. Wrong idea. He grabbed me by the neck and pushed my head back against the wall behind the couch I was sitting on. It totally took me by surprise and freaked me out. Everyone in the room jumped up to interfere and I was so scared, and Ean took Sal away to talk to him. So Sal comes out and goes to me, "Come with me, I need to talk to you." He takes me into his room, into his CLOSET, and starts apologizing and hugging and holding me. And I explained to him why it scared me so much and why I didn't like when he was play-slapping me and he got really upset with himself for scaring me and I really thought he was going to cry. So I spent a good half hour talking to him convincing him that it was alright but he wouldn't stop apologizing. Finally, Ean came in to talk to him so I left and went to 715. Half an hour or so later, Sal comes in looking for me, all happy again and seeming not so drunk, and hugs me and tells me he's alright and apologizes one last time. Then as he lets go of embracing me, he bends down and kisses me.

I was completely taken aback. Sal kissed me? Sure, it was only a peck on the lips.. but what??? I brushed it off as best I could and finished watching Dark Angel before I went back to my room and talked to him online. Then I go back down to his room to hang out for a bit and we're lying in his bed just playing stupid games and being dumb... and he gets closer and closer to my face until we finally just started kissing. I really thought I was going to faint. The bad part is... he left me IMs after I left telling me to come back online and that he needed to talk to me but I didn't get them cuz I went to sleep. The next day, he claims he doesn't remember doing it. We haven't even talked about what happened between us. Either he was too drunk to remember (doubtful) or he just doesn't want to address it because right after it happened he realized it was a mistake.

I just don't know what to think. As long as we're still great friends, then it's alright. But if things change... then this just may be the very first thing I regret.

So, babysitting today. BLAH.

It's Mom's birthday!!! I have to call her later after she gets out of work. I wish I were home for it...

But Friday, it's New York, here I come!

These lyrics pretty much sum up my college life:
Take your time
Move yourself to me
Yeah, I can take your lies
Until you fall away

You know I'm lost
Hiding in your bed
No, I don't think it's wrong
It's just gone to my head

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

Subject:I still think of you, every time it snows... let the sun shine
Time:12:54 pm.
Mood: relieved.
Music:[ Something Corporate - If I Die ].
The days pass so quickly here. I'm down to my last 2 months of my freshman year of college, and the time is just going by faster and faster. It's scaring me. Where is my life going? It's going to be gone before I know it. And that's ironic, because not even 3 short years ago, I couldn't wait for my life to end. And here I am now, wishing it could last forever.

Today I had 2 midterms; one in Western Civ and another in Computer Science. I think I passed both, as well as my Art History one yesterday. Lord knows I freaked out enough about them. But if I didn't do well, I don't have anyone to blame but myself, because I know and I'll admit that I didn't not study adequately for any of them, save art history... but that was only the night before. So we'll see. I'm just relieved that they're over for now.

Okay so let's see... that's 3 midterms down, one to go, as well as a paper due Monday and a paper with presentation due Thursday. But I've got plenty of time for all of that. And those are the least stressful of everything that I've already gotten through.

So I go home in exactly 8 days. ALREADY?!?!? Yep. I miss my family so much. An incredible amount, actually. I didn't think this was possible.

Rachelle's birthday is Sunday so we're going to Little Italy in the Harbor for dinner on Friday. Mmm, so excited for good, non-Primo's food.

We found out our room assignment for next year. Campion 404, baby. Wonder who our extra roomie is gonna be...

Jess tried teaching me how to dive last night. I got water in my ear. I HATE WATER IN MY EAR! But it was fun. I LOVE LOVE LOVE swimming, so hopefully she'll wanna go again tonight. It's so relaxing.

Florida in less than a month!!! So excited. Can't wait to hit the beach all day, every day, and be TAN!

Oh, and Adrienne and Tash have the same spring break, so they're going to take a roadtrip down to see Ash at Clemson, and pick me up on the way for the weekend!!!! SICK! I cannot wait! It's going to be amazing if it all works out.

I wonder if Chris has moved on. I wonder if he'll ever feel the same way about me, or if he still does, or if he ever will not feel that way. I hope he still loves me. It makes me so sad to think that our love, which seemed so strong and seemed able to survive anything, could wither away so quickly. Okay, so it's been over 6 months... but it still feels like it went quickly.

Well, I've gotta babysit today, unless by some miracle the kids' school gets cancelled and their mother stays home and doesn't need me. But if she hasn't called to tell me that by now, I doubt she will in the hour before I have to leave.

Oh, and a little update on that Matt situation from the weekend: he DID come down to my room, but nothing happened. We just talked for like half an hour and then went to bed... in our own rooms. He kissed me goodnight, but that's about it. Hmm.. I want to go a little farther with him... maybe this weekend? Last chance really before break!

Ahhhh gotta lose weight.

Sunday, February 20th, 2005

Subject:Keep quiet, nothing comes as easy as you
Time:3:37 am.
Mood: sleepy.
Music:[ Fall Out Boy - Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner ].
It's 3:37am, I got into my own bed at 7:30am this morning after 2 nights in a row of going out... and I'm still awake. Why am I not asleep?!?!?!?

Oh, I know why. Because I'm waiting for that slight hope, that little tiny sliver of a chance that Matt will return to Campion within the next 10 minutes and call me. Because he finally asked for my number. And why is this? Is Alby right? Am I getting attached? I don't think so. I just want someone to have a casual thing with once in a while. And Rachelle isn't here tonight, so it would've been nice to have him spend the night. But that won't happen. I know he won't call. So I think once I finish writing out my muddled thoughts I'll finally hit the pillow.

So we went out to Reefer's AGAIN last night. I had a relatively good time; danced with Matt a little, danced with Scott a little (who ended up calling me two times later on that night), danced with Alby a little, drank a lot. We left Reefer's in a cab with me, Jess, Matt, Harry, and Harry's friend Jon. Matt was hovering expectantly around Jess all night. And she wasn't doing much to prevent it. Naturally, jealousy hit me. But whatever... so we came back, took some shots in Matt's room, and played Trivial Pursuit. Yes, that's right, Trivial Pursuit. We were up there till 4:30 in the morning. Once I came back to our floor I was so upset and angry and I didn't know what to do so I went into Sal's room and got into his bed and woke him up. It was really a stupid thing to do because all I did was cry to him and complain about how fat I am and how no one wants me, etc. And he had to wake up at 7:30 the next morning. I ended up falling asleep in his bed and got ushered out 2 hours later when he had to go to Habitat for Humanity.

I woke up this morning and was really blah. I haven't felt that way since we've been back for 2nd semester. It sucked. But I hung out with Alby then went to get lunch with him, Matt, Harry and Tom... then "studied" in Albs' room, set up his iPod (finally), then hit the FAC with him. Da bros showed up while we were there, and we all went back together and got dinner. I saw da bros today more than I saw Erinn.

We just hung around here all night and I went to see Sal at some point, and he was completely upset because Maddy had just gone to his room "to say hi" and he's not over her and he's all confused and Erinn told me that she heard he hooked up with Anne Koza last night and I fucked things up because I cried to him last night. So our friendship? Doesn't look too good right now.

And Jess? Mad at me, possibly. Who knows. I fuck things up all the time.

Okay, enough rambling for now... Meg needs sleep.

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

Subject:You can call me crazy if you want to, that's true, I'm crazy 'bout youuuu
Time:12:46 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:[ Mae - This Time Is the Last Time ].
Woooo I love old skool NSync. And I love singing to it with Alby even more because he loves it as much as I do! That boy is the best.

Sooooo last night was Valentine's Day. And I went from having 0 Valentines to having 2 dates for dinner! Haha, granted, it was just Jess and Andrew, but we went to Loco Hombre and had a great time. The food there is so good. I made them eat dessert too, after a giagantic plate of nacho appetizers and an enormous entre. They loved me for it.

Then we came back and I made cheesecake with Andy while people were off watching various movies around the hall.

I made Sal give me a piggyback all the way back to my room after he forced me to go down to his room at 1:00am. Strong man to carry me, let me tell you haha.
That boy is becoming such a good friend of mine. I know it doesn't help that I still would like more, but I'm perfectly content with what we have now. He's great! Fun, nice, funny, caring, sympathetic, and tells you the truth when you need it. In fact, I love all the boys from his room. It's a shame I didn't wander down that end of the hallway last semester. We wasted valuable friendship time.

On my way out of western civ today I saw Matt on the stairs in Sellinger. He seemed almost surprised to see me, I thought, but he said hello and asked how I was doing. Formalities, I guess. I'm content having only hooked up with him once, but if the chance came up again, I'd go for it. Hey, it's all in good fun and I'm in college, right? And I know I'm not a whore/slut because the most I've ever done with anybody, excluding Jon, is make out. Besides, compared to Alex I'm practically a nun. But we won't touch THAT subject...

Anyhowww, apparently Andrew is now interested in hooking up possibly? At least, according to Sal and Rach. He's cute, and so so nice & fun, but I don't know if I'm attracted to him that way. I love him as a friend, he's a cool person, and the same with the rest of that room... so if we hooked up would I be able to go down there casually without things being weird ever again? Things to consider.

So I'm going to hit the FAC later today with Albs. It's been almost a week since I went, since I got sick. I'll be alright. All I will have eaten today was the leftover burrito from Loco Hombre and 2 chocolate turtles. Weightloss continuation. I weighed myself a few days ago and had gone down 4 pounds. Now I'm going to wait to weigh myself again till Friday. Anorexia is the only thing that works for me. And I'm such a hypocrite because I won't let Alby do it. But it's not like anybody knows that I am, so it's alright... right?

Time to make a new playlist for my iPod!

Thursday, February 10th, 2005

Subject:We're dancing to the music that ended long ago
Time:1:00 pm.
LudacricK: prolly the best thing that could have happened, u choosing loyola
LudacricK: so we'll say this is farewell here?
Not Your Star271: for good?
LudacricK: til we feel the need to really talk to the other person, if that day comes
LudacricK: til we feel the urge to hear the other's voice or sumthing like that

Why can't we just be friends? Maybe it's because there's still something more there...

In other, GOOD, news... Erinn, Andrea and I went out on Tuesday to celebrate Alby's birthday and Mardi Gras!!! We went to Lucille's at Power Plant. I had SO much fun! What a great night! But I suppose what made it so great for me was the fact that I got to hook up with Matt. ::Orgasm:: Okay not really, but I DID get butterflies. He's a great kisser and his hair is so soft and he's SO adorable and he looks like Andrew from SoCo and I still get butterflies thinking about him. But I doubt things will go very far; Alby told me he's not the relationship kind. Which I'm not either, but I would like to hook up with him more and spend a little bit of time with him. So I'm not too hopeful.

Sal whipped me with a wet t-shirt last night and left a big red welt on my stomach. He loves me, really he does. Although he seems to be more interested now that I told him about my crush/hookup with Matt...
But no, he's got that Julie girl.

I still love it here. Things are fun all the time, despite my complete lack of interest in schoolwork. I really need to stop slacking off.

Albs and I are going on a weightloss plan. He's going to lose 30 pounds and I'm shooting for 15. Wish us luckkkk!

Hopefully I'll go out tonight with Albs and Matt will go. ::crosses fingers::

Okay I'm off to rest a bit before babysitting... it's payday bitchessss.

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

Subject:Only in dreams we see what it means
Time:6:17 pm.
Mood: lazy.
Music:[ Something Corporate - Konstantine ].
Just had to save this extra verse from Konstantine when they played it at the 9:30 Club.
You can't resist her
She's in your bones
She is your marrow
And your ride home
You can't avoid her
She's in the air
In between molecules
Of oxygen and carbon dioxide

Only in dreams
We see what it means
Reach out our hands
Hold on to hers

Ahhh ::orgasm::

So I just got back from a nice little dinner at the Evergreen with Jess, Andy, Alyssa and Taylor. We stopped at Royal Farms on the walk back and bought donuts. Then Andy's fell onto the ground. So we picked them up and gave them to Jon haha. Oh, and Andy jumped over my HEAD while I was walking. Talk about heart attack.

I'm getting more and more work, but I'm still not doing any of it. I know I'm going to regret this.

And I want Sal more and more. I don't like this. Because he doesn't want me. Or if he does (by some miracle), he's not showing it. This sucksssss. See, what confuses me is that I was in his room last night for a while just hanging out, and when I left I said goodnight to everyone in general and by the time I got back to my room he had left me IM's complaining that I didn't say goodbye to him. So he came over for like 15 minutes and we just talked. So that got me hopeful. But then, he didn't keep our lunch plans. Although, they were very tentative. ARG!

At least I'm still happy here!

I really should FAC today, after eating half a panini and a Krispy Kreme donut. Blech. But there's so much work and the study lounge is calling my name.

Blurty for | Between your smiles & regrets |.

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