God ive let the ball drop. Blurty was the most amazing thing thats ever happened to me, and Ive let it slip out of my life. It forced me to look at every aspect of my life in retrospect, an action of undoubtable utility. Am I different now? Ive been looking through my past, conviently plastered all over the internet, through mediums such as aol instant messenger, blurty, and myspace. So much ive forgotten, so many friends lost. I lost a very important person to me. She befriended me for years, sacraficing her own feelings for the sake of our friendship, and I took it all for granted. Tonight I read her journal for the first time. I say first, because I never reguarded her with near as much respect as she should have gotten. We never really got to know each other in 4 years. When she realized that I was just using her to fill another gap in my heart, she got rid of me; a very smart move on her part. As someone once told me, I was the wrong person, at the right time. Why I always seem to fit this description, I will probably never know. But that doesnt stop me from wanting to apologize. For a while I never did, out of guilt probably. And still I glance at the phone from time to time, knowing I could call. As dramatic as it sounds, I dont belive I could bare being rejected by her a second time. I miss her so much, and I still love her, in that way you love a special friend. She was with me through it all, and no one else could take her place in my past. Im afraid if I subject her to the memories of what occured between us, It will cause the hurt to perpetuate itslef once more. When I want to call her, I dont want to say I love you, and I miss you. All I want to know is if she is happy and productive. Thats all. I yearn for that knowledge, as if she was at the front lines of some terrible war. She would be the most important loss ive suffered in this update gap. The second friend ive lost was another very, very close person to me, a 2nd best friend if you will. I evolved into something he could no longer tollerate, and he decided to end our friendship (quite reciently infact). I guess he just needs to do his thing. He was one of those friends to me: the first number that pops into your head, when the question "What do I want to do" is asked. He was essentially one of the only real friends I had in high-school. It still depresses me to think about it. I am still dating Ashley, and she is still the most beautiful, radiant, wonderful thing ive ever come in contact with. She is moving to Orlando for college, "Full Sail", for recording arts (quite soon actually). Even after two years, I still feel disassociated with my feelings of love for her. Ive deduced it to a problem of perspective. Here we must split my reality into halves to understand it a bit better:
A) What I KNOW: Ashley is an awesome person, with a wonderfully easy-going, altruistic, self-actualized personality, not to mention is stunningly beautiful and has a wicked body; all of which are prime aspects of a girl that matches my personality. The only thing I wish for her to do more is challenge me mentally, like she did at the beginning of our relationship, but she has stopped doing so.
B) What I've EXPERIENCED: One other real relationship, but that was for only 3 months, and not as serious at all.
What im getting at is: Ive never really had a shitty relationship before, so I have no way to truly respect what Ashley offeres me. Im sure if I had my share of fucked up girlfriends, then I would appreciate Ashley so much more. I already genuinly love Ashley so much, I just want to reach our potential as a couple. She is certainly the best thing that has ever happened to me.
After remembering things from my preschool years, I starting to get a yearning for other memories, so I hopped on my social trail online. I want to know what happended with Maleah, so im emailing her. Im'a look on her too. My licence is suspended for paying a ticket too late, and I have expiered tags, so I figure tomorrow will be a good day to go to the DMV. I miss you blurty.com. Im having John Mola make me a computer, and Ill get this thing going again, I promise.
The time is 5:53a.m, and for about 2 & 1/2 months of my life, I had HPPD, because I did acid with some harsh extacy. It was litterally the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and ive developed post traumatic stress from it. It comes about when ever I think about drugs, and when I take tylanol p.m, becasue it makes me sleepy, and it feels like I cant control my own body/mind.