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Essentially, this is how the Hubble works [24 Feb 2013|08:25pm]
Social networking and auto-correct have usurped the power and authority of blogs. There's a certain authenticity in the mangling of a lexicon; like a signature, or simply: proof of an actual grammatical ineptitude. Upon reflection, I am now far better suited to wield the weapons of language, yet I feel as though that I've lost a great amount of ingenuity, creativity, and originality. I mean, come on, "weapons of language", what a heinous excuse for a proper metaphor exemplifying the power of word-play. Perhaps if I would have continued honing this craft at a respectful pace, as I was, I would not feel as if I've sustained such a heavy loss. Or perhaps, as in the aforementioned scenario, I would have greater perspective on what losses were necessary, or inevitable, and I would welcome their departure, rather than lament it. What have I lost? The first thing I notice is my longevity, my focus, the ability to write for hours at a time behind a bright screen in a dark room. I grow detached so easily now, distractions plague my work, everything that falls from my fingers is diseased with laziness and premature fatigue. There's a part of me that just does not want to write anymore. What is the genesis of this inclination? Maybe I've outgrown this medium, and it's time to find something new to apply myself to. Maybe after celebrating a pseudo-talent in writing for a decade I've come to realize that any real proficiency was never actually there, and it's unbridled shame that stays my hand from further embarrassment. Maybe the transformation from a naive, over-inspired and under-supervised, mania-riddled adolescent to the creature such a child evolves into has stripped me of my will to explore thought with such voraciousity and carelessness. What I do know is that, although very enjoyable, all of this feels forced. There are times in my life when inspiration assumes control over my mind and novelty falls freely from my fingertips. I know this feeling well, for I've spent many nights under its influence; its affect the most beautiful drug imaginable. Yet I have not felt this embrace in so long. I suppose I've just discovered what it is I'm "missing", what I'm "searching" for, the elation that stems from creativity. This must be it, the longing I'm feeling at this moment is resonating with the memories fluttering around my brain. My heart and mind are calling to one another. I believe what I'm actually missing is courage; the will to create without acknowledgment of the possibility of failure (when transposing something artful and genuine, failure is impossible). What I have gained in the course of a decade is an ideal, a standard, a platform of judgment to reflect upon myself with; I gained the ability to fail. What I need now is a return to naivety, to teenage ignorance, to the steadfast mindset of invincibility.

What I need now is to stop searching for inspiration, and to start creating my own.
9:41pm
Before I Fade From You Forever

Wow [15 Jan 2008|04:54pm]
I could write. I mean, I could really write back then. Spend hours and hours dedicated to revising and rewording my every thought and feeling. Feeling so sorry for myself; cursing god (or whatever form of one i believed in at the time); documenting my life. For everyone. I miss it so much.

Im 19. What will I think when in two more years when I come to read this?458p
1 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

[25 Oct 2006|02:25am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

ive never felt like this before in my life. the innablity to title it is astonishing. im afraid of spontainious death alot, but over heart break? I started to have a flash back, and heart palpatations, which both do me no good when im trying not to freak the fuck out. god's irony will cause two things:
A) an inlightened individual who has the ability to help the world
B) for me to wage war against god.

I would only be hating god to get it's attention. Why am i so alone? I am compelled to ask questions like, "what have i done", and "what do i do now", but they have no answer. I have done nothing, and am only capable of doing what god wants me to do. God does not need to direct cosmic traffic, for the universe runs on autopiolet. He created everything to specifically interact with eachother, living and not, therefore, i am on a railroad track. he set up the dominos to knock eachother down, and pick eachother up when their finished.

Will i go mad? Will i buckle down? Or will I continue to bury it all?

Before I Fade From You Forever

[23 Oct 2006|01:09am]
[ music | animal collective ]

If it was possible for me to miss her any more, my heart would tear out of my chest; and flail about before me like an air starved fish. My inward burning; my dry mouth; the complete discontent with my current situation; all of which only serve to prove the only constant principle in my life: constant downard spiral. How can she be doing better than I? If it is true she loves me more, her agony must be indescribable. Yet this is something i seriouly doubt.
She just called for the first time in 3 days
The time is 1:19a.m, thank you god

I love her so much

Before I Fade From You Forever

[23 Oct 2006|12:53am]
[ music | stars, your x is dead ]

ive lived my whole life seeking exception for my talent and individuality, but only come to find that this is impossible, becasuse i am so far dissconnected from the rest of the world, i will never be viewed as I hope i am portraying myself. im sensitive, a gentleman, intellegent, and concerned about larger issues. but these are only sterotypes of a likeable person, not roles that i can fill

that is an excerpt from a conversation with a friend of mine.
the time is 12:57p.m, and im hung over

Before I Fade From You Forever

4 years, god the nostalgia [10 Aug 2006|05:14am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

God ive let the ball drop. Blurty was the most amazing thing thats ever happened to me, and Ive let it slip out of my life. It forced me to look at every aspect of my life in retrospect, an action of undoubtable utility. Am I different now? Ive been looking through my past, conviently plastered all over the internet, through mediums such as aol instant messenger, blurty, and myspace. So much ive forgotten, so many friends lost. I lost a very important person to me. She befriended me for years, sacraficing her own feelings for the sake of our friendship, and I took it all for granted. Tonight I read her journal for the first time. I say first, because I never reguarded her with near as much respect as she should have gotten. We never really got to know each other in 4 years. When she realized that I was just using her to fill another gap in my heart, she got rid of me; a very smart move on her part. As someone once told me, I was the wrong person, at the right time. Why I always seem to fit this description, I will probably never know. But that doesnt stop me from wanting to apologize. For a while I never did, out of guilt probably. And still I glance at the phone from time to time, knowing I could call. As dramatic as it sounds, I dont belive I could bare being rejected by her a second time. I miss her so much, and I still love her, in that way you love a special friend. She was with me through it all, and no one else could take her place in my past. Im afraid if I subject her to the memories of what occured between us, It will cause the hurt to perpetuate itslef once more. When I want to call her, I dont want to say I love you, and I miss you. All I want to know is if she is happy and productive. Thats all. I yearn for that knowledge, as if she was at the front lines of some terrible war. She would be the most important loss ive suffered in this update gap. The second friend ive lost was another very, very close person to me, a 2nd best friend if you will. I evolved into something he could no longer tollerate, and he decided to end our friendship (quite reciently infact). I guess he just needs to do his thing. He was one of those friends to me: the first number that pops into your head, when the question "What do I want to do" is asked. He was essentially one of the only real friends I had in high-school. It still depresses me to think about it. I am still dating Ashley, and she is still the most beautiful, radiant, wonderful thing ive ever come in contact with. She is moving to Orlando for college, "Full Sail", for recording arts (quite soon actually). Even after two years, I still feel disassociated with my feelings of love for her. Ive deduced it to a problem of perspective. Here we must split my reality into halves to understand it a bit better:
A) What I KNOW: Ashley is an awesome person, with a wonderfully easy-going, altruistic, self-actualized personality, not to mention is stunningly beautiful and has a wicked body; all of which are prime aspects of a girl that matches my personality. The only thing I wish for her to do more is challenge me mentally, like she did at the beginning of our relationship, but she has stopped doing so.
B) What I've EXPERIENCED: One other real relationship, but that was for only 3 months, and not as serious at all.
What im getting at is: Ive never really had a shitty relationship before, so I have no way to truly respect what Ashley offeres me. Im sure if I had my share of fucked up girlfriends, then I would appreciate Ashley so much more. I already genuinly love Ashley so much, I just want to reach our potential as a couple. She is certainly the best thing that has ever happened to me.

After remembering things from my preschool years, I starting to get a yearning for other memories, so I hopped on my social trail online. I want to know what happended with Maleah, so im emailing her. Im'a look on her too. My licence is suspended for paying a ticket too late, and I have expiered tags, so I figure tomorrow will be a good day to go to the DMV. I miss you blurty.com. Im having John Mola make me a computer, and Ill get this thing going again, I promise.
The time is 5:53a.m, and for about 2 & 1/2 months of my life, I had HPPD, because I did acid with some harsh extacy. It was litterally the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and ive developed post traumatic stress from it. It comes about when ever I think about drugs, and when I take tylanol p.m, becasue it makes me sleepy, and it feels like I cant control my own body/mind.

Before I Fade From You Forever

[14 Apr 2006|08:53pm]
divorce, the result of the cheapening of values, supported by the logically lesser of our ethics. the general will of our contemporary streamlined, logic-bound philosophy could not be leading us close to "the good" at all. for the connection first mentioned here, we can only use love, for the general (I use this word as the common point between the extremes we all alot ourselves to) sence of this noun/verb would require some amount of this to initiate it. so we must ask ourselves, is love to be "organized" out of our lives, for the better?
we have humanly tendencies such as love/hate, humor, generalized anxiety, etc. All these would seem the least logical, but i dont feeling like typing anymore. im going back to jim's biography, playing in jared's living room.
The time is 9:08pm, and the worst thing about a rush of thoughts, is the amount of time you remember them, mixed with the difficulty of thought transgraphication (that word is fucking cool).
Before I Fade From You Forever

[07 Nov 2005|04:02pm]
I went to a (ive never been able to spell this fucking word) psychietrist today. It was what I feared. I told this nice women my exact problems, and she told me what medications to take, not why I had the problems. I told her horrible things, horrible horrible things. And all she taught me is how to repress them further.
WHAT
THE
FUCK

Im a manic depressive, this im sure. But bi-poler im not. Just because I get sad, doesnt make me chronicly depressed. Infact, I belive im less depressed than the norm. She just rationalized this as a temporary state of "grandour", or "euphoria" that im expierencing as the exact opposite of depression. This would explain why I have those crazy ideas of dreams and changing things. Manic depressives belive they have special abilities. Im just an ill child.

But she was so nice though.

I didnt wake up at the butt crack of dawn for someone to inform me I have a problem.

Im so full of shit
its 4:01 pm

i might take it
3 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

A new one liner [01 Nov 2005|07:15pm]
Personally, I almost envied them. I will more than likely NEVER expierence love of such magnitude in my life. I mean, he REALLY loved her. These persons, ones that are delved into it so, dont walk among us. For, when the instant love takes such a control over two people's sanity occurs, for them to wish to die together, im certain the verb follows shortly after.

Ashley's mother was amazed to hear of such a thing. There were two local teens who commited double suicide.
Out of love.
Although she knows nothing of my views on the matter, she told my girlfriend,
"Dont let Chris... pressure you into killing yourself."

If I were to inscribe anything into a ring, that would be the phrase.
The time is 7:16p.m, and my mother has a brain tumor.
2 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

[25 Oct 2005|06:56pm]
"Mama, tell me what happened."
"..."
"Mama, tell me whats wrong"
"..."
I went and grabbed a glass of water.
"Mama, drink this"
Her eyes barly open, to affirm auditory sences.
"Drink it, or im pouring it on you"
"..."
I dip my fingers in the full glass of tap water and flick it at her.
"Drink it"
"Nothing Chris"
"Mama, drink it"
"Nothing"
"Tell me what happened, tell me what you did"
"Nothing"
"Dont lie to me again, what happened?"
"Nothing..."
Her voice trailing into nothingness
"Im going to call poision control if you dont tell me"
"Nothing..."
Barly audible. Poision controll would tell me that the anti-psychotic she is being perscribed for seizures, along with the anti-depressant her medical study is feeding her, could stop her heart, or stop her breathing.
The lady from poision control would suggest I call 911.
To fool social services, I tied back my hair, took out my lebret stud, and put on a University of South Florida t-shirt. I put the cats in my bedroom. I propped open all the doors.
Cleared a path for them.
"Momma, the doctors are comming."
This is when I began to cry.
"Momma, you know I love you right?
"..."
I grabbed her hand.
"You know I love you"
"..."
EMS was suprisingly prompt. 9 different people made me tell the story. I gave everything to the first one. The other 8 times just pissed me off. There were about 13 loud people in my apt. building, 6 of which were completly useless. 1 of which knocked a hole in my wall with my front-door-handle. The first door I propped open. I called Nichole and told her I needed help tomorow. I was called to get off the phone and help restrain my mother.
She was a kicker.
She yelled obsinities the complete length of in her bed, to the one on wheels wating at the base of the stairs. One of the paramedics made a joke to another trainee at the expense of the women strapped in the stretcher. I didnt catch what he said. I didnt care.
At the base of the stars I atempted to give her a hug and calm her down. She hit me in the face. I restrained her. She clawed at my forearms.
"Take her please"
Earlier the poion control women and me would tell me of her experience as a nurse,
more specifically,
how to act as to not be required to give my age, due to certain complications with my homelife.
"Lie to them if you need to; tell them you'll follow them to the hospital, but dont. Just give them your contact information from your home."
They took the meds, my mother, and the information pertaining to her medical study, and left. Its now when im typing this when I realize why I felt so alone. It was the first time ive spent a night alone in that apartment.
I grabbed my blanket, alarm clock, and phone out of my room and set up camp in the living room. I grabbed beer from my fridge and attempted to numb myself with alcohol. But half-way through the movie "Rounders", I fell asleep.
I cant get drunk off of beer anymore anyways.
Now, the only way my alarm clock would have been shut off would be if someone entered my house and flipped the switch next to my front door. The t.v was off when I awoke also.
I called my employer at noon and told him I just put my mother in an ambulance.
"Im not going to make it in today"
I dont remember what I did yesterday. Ashley just reminded me that I went to Kelly's. I couldnt stand being alone anymore. I ate a sandwhich. Nichole came over at 7. We rented Garden State. I went to sleep.
If Ashley wern't here, I probably wouldnt have typed any of that.
Today I visited her at the hospital before work. Due to the fact that she neither knew where she was, or who she was, she was placed in the nurology ward. Not a hop, nor a skip, but just a jump from the psychiatrics. Her room-mate was baker-acted after I left. I hope, direly so, with every fiber of my being, that she was heavily medicated when I saw her. Or extremly groggy. Because if not, then the seizure caused brain damage.
The doctors would tell me that all pills were accounted for. The complication was that her potassium leval dropped severly low very quick, for some reason. They did a M.R.I. I have yet to hear the results. Her toxicology came back clean.
I feel rightfully guilty.
The time is 6:54p.m, and I havent closed the store down yet. After I complete in doing so, I and Ashley are going to visit her.






**I lied. They found a growth within her brain.
1 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

[21 Oct 2005|06:45pm]
In a world where opinion is void, gods and demons cannot co-exist. This is attributed to their duality of form. In this realm, the only difference lies with the application of human opinion.

the time is 6:46p.m, and im exhausted
Before I Fade From You Forever

[11 Oct 2005|03:33pm]
Last night I never went home. On Friday my car and I became legal, so with this privilage, I never went home. I went and visited a friend at work who gave me a balloon. I tied it to my rear-view mirror. Now, as soon as that string met my palm, I knew what was to become of that balloon, yet, I tied it to my rear-view mirror. I judged it as an inconvenience, due to the fore-knowledge that the balloon would be released as soon as I made it outside. Something about the sight of that balloon being that certain distance, just out of reach, when I will know I will never have that balloon again. I didnt set it free so I could watch it slowly soar out of sight. Infact, I drove away rather quickly after the lighter flickered off (I didnt have sissors). Dispite my lack of ability to know exactly how much gas I have in my car, I joy rode. Up and down the main road. To the popular bookstore for the friends I dont have anymore. To one of the starbucks for the girlfriend I hadnt seen all day. The back roads. The front ones. I found myself at the last house I lived in. Well, the lack of house that I just happen to dwell in.
~I was always stoned. Or drunk. Always. I drifting to and fro from there and Jessica's. Larsony everywhere. Infidility. My mother was still incompasitating herself. No food. No soap. 0 comfortablity. 1 bedroom. 4 people. No possessions, and yet, no room to possess anything. Always angry. Always. Houses lay-out goes as such: Kitchen is 4 steps across, by 1&1/2 steps back. Kitchen + hallways 2 steps across is entire front of house. Kitchen to back door is 11 steps. [After I typed that line, I took 11 steps. That distance just happens to span the length of the (work) counter im sitting behind.] There was a large section of the middle of the room that was occupied by wall. Not only was I confined to such a small space, but there was a big fucking block in the middle of the room. That place markes the worst point in my life.
I recognize now that I missed a place I should've visited. The house that preceded this one. This decline lasted 4 years. It was the place I went at night at very important installments of my life. The house itself, quite inconsequential on its own, but it was still the place I slept. I gained social foothold. Developed an eating disorder. Lost my father. Gained an affinity for metal. Lost Colin. Had Maleah. Met Ashley. So much.
So much.
But I did manage to head to the house before that. I was young then. Called it home for 6 years. It was sanctuary. I had no friends besides a few around the neighborhood. Nothing to do.

I really wish I could go on and on and on and on and on and on, but I have to close the store.
the time is 6:42, and I left my fucking cd's at someone's house
Its kind of amusing how I catagorize my life by stages of downfall
1 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

[04 Oct 2005|05:59pm]
Over the radio just now I heard some religious figure state that they saw god's hand in what happened to the people in new orleans. What a fucking prick. I havent been this offended in some time. The area was described more or less as godless, with satanic ritual and general inhibition its attributes.
How
Dare
Them
use god to assert themselves as better than those who tragically had their lives taken from them in that area. Those, who instead of fearing major religion and dogmatics, chose to practice what they were taught in a cultural and traditionary sence. They, created by god, no different than anyone else, were punished for being different. When, oh when, will PEOPLE BEGIN TO RECOGNIZE THE HYPOCRACY??

the time is 6:10p.m, and the UPS driver is here. Its windy outside, and he needed to prop the back door open. I told him to use the long metal rod to do so, and he set it at the foot of the door, obviously confused, asking, "Am I missing anything?". I ran back there and put one end on the ground and angled the other end tword the door, proping it open, walking away saying, "Basic logic skills"
2 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

[13 Sep 2005|01:21pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | wonderful silence ]

With a certain grandour of speech, this usually recieves more eyes. Thats so annoying. To convey notion is to live. But the speculant that is applied is only translation for the sake of entertainment. So I interrogate myself, "what exactly is my wish?". A world free of objective views on literature? No, its the objective views of my person that give me a variablity for free diction, which in-turn, entertain myself. I wonder, am I just acting childish? Its plausable to say I wish for the world to simply enjoy reading my thoughts, not how I write them. But then I must realize that diction is but a world within itself. Its own planetary variables for translation succeed only the laziness to search for that less convensional meaning.
In conclution, its time for me to close the store and leave work.
the time is 6:36p.m, and it seems all I can think about now a days is final fantasy 7 and Ashley.

3 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

To Mr. Wonderful [12 Sep 2005|12:04pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

Just to state, if you do indeed end up reading this, understand these are my innermost feelings of hatred, not to you, but the unrest you are causeing.

For 2 years you held that shark fishing hook in her heart and tugged. God was your tool, not your savior, atleast, in this case. Substantialized on absolutly nothing but longing and pain, you taught her to need her. Selfishly, you chained her to the notion of happiness with you. The addition of your weaknesses made you the perfect equation. Take two emotionally detramented people, give them meak hope within one another, use the lord as super-glue, and you form a seamless equation. You needED eachother. But that was years ago. A lesson in human behavior: Closure: When a strong feeling is abruptly haulted, a human is not comfortable with the change. Even years and years down the road, when the smallest of reminders reaches their sub-conscience, it envokes anxiety, and generally uncomfortable thoughts.
I guess the moral of the story is: Ashley is a different person now. For a large part being attributed to me. I am a different person now. Almost completly attributed to Ashley. Its my natural anxiety that causes me to do this.
Stop fucking with my girlfriend's head. Be her friend. Be my friend.
-Chris

The time is 1:57p.m, and this feeling inside of me is unbearable. I need her to call me and tell me im retarded.

Before I Fade From You Forever

[08 Sep 2005|05:32pm]
That last post is the cover to the printed version of my 2004 year journal. If anyone would like a copy, I would love to send you one. Just tell me. the time is sixthirtyninepeaemm, and i really wanna leave work
Before I Fade From You Forever

Habitual tendencies idgenious of compulsion require me to type words in this line [08 Sep 2005|02:03pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

_-_-_The progression (or degression, whatever your observation) of an entire year is behind this very page. The intent of this is not at all simple.
X-x-Intents:
x-The general analization of the mental growth processes of an adolesent under vareing degrees and forms of stress in the year 2004
x-The general analization of the philosophical fluxuations of an enlightened adolesent in the year 2004(the hypocracy of this statement will become more apparent as you read)
x-The general analization of the social patterns of an adolesent in the year 2004
x-The amusement, inspiration, deterant, and/or scapegoat for anyone and everyone (in any year)

_-_-_Behind this page, a young man has typed thousands and thousands of tiny black letters. With his philosophy, he knows these letters translate into nothing. Because language is just a bias opinion of the position of letters. No matter now much of his heart is stained on each and every page; no matter how much precision he's put into the placement of those very letters, the instant "UPDATE JOURNAL" is pushed, all meaning is lost, for the letters are no longer his.

_-_-_My words are for the world. That is why my journal is on the internet. If you read this journal unobjectivly, you will get something out of it. I promise.

1 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

[02 Sep 2005|05:32pm]
I read something today. It said, "All I need is love". And I thought, "Thats funny, because...", and I paused because I couldnt understand why I thought that. I dont see how thats all a person could need. Love is nice, but it seems so seldom now that a person can find comfortable love. In the public swimming pool that is life, floating around, under and above me are those in conflict with their signifigant others. Not just in reference to the adolesent, which such quarting falacies are every bit token as the rest, but in the elder-youth also, as I like to refer to them. Speaking of seldom sights, I rarely see adults anymore. Children spanning the ages of 7 to 49, each one just as insecure as the last. And I wonder, has anything changed?
3 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

[16 Aug 2005|03:32pm]
The only thing I need to know in life is that god exists. Religion and all the rest is just stipulation. Guesses regarding questions unanswerable. And yet so many will tell me im still wrong.
And yet, she still fears for me.

I have found it. My answer. My comfort level of faith. God can exist. To take further thought into his wishes is pointless. Vein. Fruitless, yet entertaining. Immagine: We tell ourselves everyday that we cannot understand God's wishes because we are infact human. Our birth is our downfall of comprehension. Doomed before cognition, we are born into a world of religious "leaders", these interpreters of devine language. But answer for me, why are we to trust these humans; we being of the same mold? The blind leading the young blind, erasing any chance of sight. Well, the youth never had a chance for actual sight, but oppertunity lies with the disbelief. The ability to disbelieve grants us ease.
Has god ever visited you? Told you to listen to pastor Steve? President Bush? The Dhali Llama (I have absolutly no clue how to spell that)? What about the crazy cat woman, or the wierd people next door, or the winner of Fox's newest reality T.V show, "America's next top cult"? Why does everyone believe in Jesus, but not Santa? The chances of each existing are just as likely. Why believe in Jesus, but not in Ala? If words and meaning can be lost in translation, why not people, events, principles? In the world, why cant Christianity be the language, and faith be the word. After all, god did create everything, didnt [it]? That would of course mean god created all religions. So why not celebrate all religions.
Anything you can aquire is only another thing you'll lose. The answer is there is no answer

The time is 5:52p.m, and this is done due to the presence of a short, hot, women next to me.
Before I Fade From You Forever

[27 Jul 2005|10:29am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | something from the early nineties ]

A quick update:

Ive been working at a UPS Store down the street for a little while now. Im saving money. Ashley's parents are pretty ok with me. When Nick Strite moved, I helped him, and got his ferrets, his telescope, and his computer. The ferrets names are Merlin and Dumbledore. Speaking of him, I just finished the sixth Harry Potter. Easily one of my favorites. Im reading "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk. A very interesting read also.

Im at work right now
The time is 10:33a.m, and ill stop slacking now

1 Seconds Before I Fade From You Forever

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