Emilie's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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[20 Nov 2003|04:27pm]
yeah.. i know its simple plan and thats sad.. but EVERY word in this song fits me. its sad..

I heard you're doing okay
But I want you to know
I'm addict
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy but you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again

Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
I'm addict
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to keep you
But you left anyway

How long will I be waiting?
Until the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine

I'm addicted to you
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[20 Nov 2003|03:54pm]
hmmm i made soap!! im like... hyper.. hah. even though im so sick. and i feel like shit. lol. ummm i want to go out... but mommy wont let me.. and im gonna make motzah balls lol.. i always do that when im bored and sick. and i got me some manchevitz up in herr. umm.. yeah i feel worse than i did before. i guess i should go to the doctor? bleh, i hate the doctor.
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[20 Nov 2003|01:08pm]
[ mood | sick ]

umm yeah.. i went home sick. well actually i went to A.C. Moore to get materials for the stuff that im making people for christmas. ill probably start that stuff today. if i get the rest of the stuff that is. umm not a lot else to say. chris actually called me last night.. hah. he was bored. he woke me up cuz i was sleeping. whatever. ok well ill update later when theres something more to say. bye


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[19 Nov 2003|08:16pm]
ok well he called me to let me know why he wasnt online. hes been home. its just that his computer isnt working and theres people painting his computer room.. not a big deal. bt i just dont want everyone to think that he was out with people to get back at me like i thought he might have been before. i should have known better than to assume. well i need a shower badly. so ill go do that now. bye

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[19 Nov 2003|06:53pm]
[ mood | crying ]
[ music | across the sea--weezer ]


hes probably out with his friends right now.. he hasnt been online all day. im so worried that hes out with a bunch of girls just to get back at be cuz hes "free" or something. he broke up with me because he said i was too controlling about him hanging out with other girls, and the other night he said he was "free" now.. god dammit. and i know that he wouldnt tell me if anything happens, because according to him, its none of my business. and like.. i dunno. im not worried about him being out with girls.. just like.. im worried that he'd just be out with them to get back at me. he said that he was gonna stop treating me like shit and start respecting me as a person and stuff. im not assuming that hes out with girls or anything, but if he was,, that be pretty weird of him considering that he just dumped me over it, and it would really seem like hes getting back at me.. which would be totally out of hand..

i dunno.. for all i know hes out with some guys. who knows. all i know is that he doesnt give 2 shits about me anymore, and could care less if i was crying over him. i feel so detached from him.. not just because he dumped me, but because he doesnt love me. i feel like theres nothing at all anymore. and now im crying. god dammit. why did he have to do this to me. why couldnt he just stick it out like he always did. why did he stop loving me. why does he hate me so much. i cant take this. i cant stand for us to be like this. we were so close, and we had such a connection, and such strong love, and he said i was special to him and he loved me more than he ever loved anyone else before. but now he gives up. i guess im not so special anymore. now im just some pathetic girl chasing after him. but of course, im not cool enough for him i guess. im not nice enough. im not "sane" enough. maybe hes not sane enough to get attached to someone for more than a matter of months.

and after all this, i still love him, and i still want him back. and after everything ive given him, he doesnt love me. i remember the first time that he broke up wth me he called back and said "i cant stay mad at you. i love you.".. what happened to that love and devotion and companionship? i dont know. but i sure want to know.

i miss him so much. and im so hurt. and depressed. and im scared.

i dont know what im going to do


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[19 Nov 2003|03:22pm]
[ mood | used ]
[ music | getchoo--weezer ]

well so far so good today. i havent cried yet. i know i will though. heh. it still shocks me how he doesnt love me. he loved me on monday, but not yesterday. i didnt change. ive been the same person. i guess hes just a confused asshole who doesnt know what he wants. and he fucking lets the pride of dumping me go to his head and acts like he can talk down to me and say the meanest shit EVER to me because he thinks i deserve it. well i dont deserve it. i did everything for him. i gave him everything. i bought him shit. i was a good girlfriend. not good enough for chris ribeiro i guess. right now, the only thing that ive thought about thats making me cry/want to cry is that hes gonna get with someone else. hes gonna go hook up.. hes gonna go to prom and all this shit.. and hes gonna have some romantic evening with some other girl.. stay overnight for prom weekend.. fuck her. yeah he'd fuck her. and he wouldnt think about me. hes never gonna think about me again. hes never gonna look back on me and miss me. after everything. hes not gonna think of me. i dont get him.

anyways now that im starting to cry for the first time today.. im gonna stop writing about him. school wasnt anything special, mr moore read the interview i wrote for his class out loud.. it was really funny.. umm.. yeah now im just chillin out. i have drums at 5:00.. going to the grocery store after. i need a shower bad.. hah. ok well im gonna go now that im all pissed off and chris isnt online so i bet hes out with some girls just to show me that he can do anything he wants now and hes taking advantage of the fact that hes "free" and happy. fucking asshole. i never thought hed be like that if we broke up, but he is. i thought i meant mkore than that to him but i guess im just another bitch.

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[18 Nov 2003|09:11pm]
god i just cant believe that he doesnt love me anymore...

its really crushing me.. its horrible.. he loved me yesterday. he told me.

i just dont get why he doesnt love me anymore... its killing me more that anyone can imagine

and he doesnt even care that im dying inside
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[18 Nov 2003|08:18pm]
[ mood | god dammit ]

hmm well i guess i posted this before but he said that i mean nothing to him. he said it. he meant it. we made a deal though. im gonna stop asking him questions about everything. and hes gonna stop being a fucking asshole to me. its bad enough that he dumped me cruely in the first place, but then he has to be a fucking asshole about it too. by telling me that i mean absolutely NOTHING to him... and all this shit. he says he wants to be friends? but friends mean something one another. they mean A LOT to one another. i dont get him. he calls ME crazy? i HONESTLY think that there is something wrong with him too. well now i dont know what im gonna do. hes over me.. and im still lying here crying over him. and the sad thing is he doesnt care. he says that he doesnt want another relationship for a while.. but that probably means that he'll just go hooking up with people.. which will hurt me more than if he were in a relationship. i just dont want him to have sex with anyone else... we were so special to one another.. and now im nothing to him.. now im crying again so im gonna stop writing. i really dont have a lot else to write that i havent written over and over and over.


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[18 Nov 2003|06:28pm]
[ mood | crying beyond belief ]

well its all over

and it was the most painful thing thats ever happened to me

he hates me. he doesnt love me. he wants nothing to do with me. hes not gonna miss me.. or miss seeing me. yeah.. he said it. and he wants me out of his life. yeah.. he said that too.

after 7 months of love this is what he turns into

he hates me. he doesnt want anything to do with me. he doesnt love me.

all over a fight.

why do i still love him?

dont ask me

why do i still want to be with him more than anything

dont ask me

why does he hate me

dont ask me

god dammit. this sucks. and now i bet hes gonna go get with some other girl in a week or two because hes already over me. that would hurt me more than anything in the world

why couldnt my dad just take me to chicago.. i need to get out of here. i cant do it..

and the sad thing is.. hes never gonna want me or miss me ever again

i guess its just "weights being lifted off his shoulder" as he would put it

Chris Ribeiro <3 4/29/03-11/17/03 <3

ill miss you so

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[18 Nov 2003|03:17pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | you spin me like a record--dope ]

well today was sort of interesting. i think i have like 3 detentions now. hah. ill get to that later. umm i wonke up at like 6:30 and cried in bed till like 7:15. then i went to school. i cried before school and krystina was hugging me to comfort me. that was really nice of her. shes a good friend. umm i stared crying a few times during some of my classes, but nothing that i could let anyone see... and then in bio i didnt have my 3 houshold liquids for my lab so i think hes giving me detention for that (detention number 1). and umm then in german.. after lunch.. the russian kid sprayed us with lysol again so me, morgan, and melissa FINALLY went to mr. sorrentino about him and he didnt really get in trouble. but he needed to get yelled at because frau is a fucking irresponsible bitch who wont take control of her fucking classroom. and umm.. yeah.. so then we were all late for english and missed a quiz so we have to go after school to make it up some time next week. (detention number 2?).. and then in mr. moores class 7th period i was late because i went to the nurse cuz i felt like shit (not just emotionally but i feel like i have a head cold or something. probably just allergies). then i threw a note to sam and he saw and i think hes writing me up for a central office detention (detention number 3). umm yeah..

ok well now heres 2 things that i read today that made me think about so much shit and where i went wrong.. well the poem from my english book just reminded me of him for some reason so i wrote it down.. and the other is a wedding vow read in the book im reading for lit a&e..

"In the Plaza We Walk"
by Nephtalí De León

In the plaza we walk
under the Mexican moon
full of tangerine smells.

A cart pulls over
full of fruit
full of the moon
and the lonely star.

So we buy two
but he says "three for a peso"
but we buy two.

Tangerines peeled
we walk
hand in hand
spitting the seeds
for future tangerines
and more lovers to be.

In the plaza we walk
under tangerine moons.

"You can make it new every day as you strive to know one another in the Christian sense of knowing the whole person--body, mind, and spirit. I know you will respect the solitude of each other, the right to be a person without being completely dependant on each other. It was never intended that closeness means domination, or the 'right' to pry. Willingly may you share and grow in the unfolding love of two people with God's spirit within and around you." (Like Normal People, Robert Meyers, page 13, paragraph 6)

yeah.. that last excerpt from Like Normal People is a little religious for me.. but its wedding vows. but jesus i read that and i realized everything. and i realized everything i did wrong. and like.. i dunno.. nothing ever got across to me like that before its crazy...

i know im pathetic and all by writing this but they really struck something in me..

ok now that ive made an ass of myself im gonna go.


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[17 Nov 2003|07:37pm]
ugghhh well im updating again. i watched some tv before.. and took it easy. and realized that i was acting crazy and he was right. why is it i never realize these things until its too fucking late. i hate myself for it. i guess i needed time to realize things. i know that he wouldnt take me back because hell think that im full of bullshit and even if i did realize things then ill just go back to acting like the same way. even though i didnt last time i realized things and i did actually change. this sucks. i reall need him. and now he wants nothing to do with me. this is horrible. ahh now im crying again. i was actually not crying before. and my dad wont take me to chicago with him tomorrow even though i begged and my mom was actually gonna let me. hes driving there. he said he couldnt afford it though. whatever. sams gonna come over now. we're both having a shitload of problems right now. im gonna go get her now. bye

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[17 Nov 2003|06:21pm]
[ mood | upset and crying like a baby ]

god dammit

ok well like almost a month ago chris and i got bakc together after we broke up. he didnt want it to be public because it was a "trial". well today we got in a huge fight because he throws my feelings to the side and stuff.. and then he dumped me. again. and he doesnt care. he said that hes not going to cry. and that hes happy. and that the weights have been lifted off his shoulders. yeah well fuck him. im crying like a fucking baby and hes HAPPY. and he cant be bothered to cry over me. after all we had together. and after i spent my own $25 on my last birth control shot like 2 weeks ago because he said to get it because he said that things were working out and going well. and after we lost our fucking virginity to each other. and after all the fights we've been through, he give up. yeah well fuck him if im not worth more than a pile of shit to him.

im trying to get my dad to take me to chicago with him tomorrow. dont want to be here.

yes i still love chris ribeiro. he broke my heart and im sure he'll do it again when he goes and gets with some other girl in probably some short amount of time since hes happy and hes over me already. im so upset right now and i know that half the shit im saying is out of spite but i dont care. fuck this shit


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[16 Nov 2003|07:01pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | reason to believe ]

umm yeah.. today chris was SUPPOSED to come with my family for my moms birthday stuff but he couldnt because he didnt wake up till 12:30 and we had to leave at 1:30 and he had to do hw and clean his room. he said that he would come to make up for last night but whatever. now he owes me big. umm my family picked a resturaunt that had NOTHING vegitarian on it, so they ate like fucking pigs and i..didnt. so now im starving. and umm then we went to barnes and noble and i got 2 magazines.. and then we went to the movie and when we sat down my mom starting going off on her same old shit about chris. and i got really upset and sat far away all by myself for a fucking horrible 2 hour and 20 minute movie--master and commander. its fucking both my parents though now, not just my mom and that pissed me off double. especially since my dad is being a 2-faced bastard. ugghhh why cant they just be easy goin and butt the fuck out of my personal affairs for once. ok. i need to eat something and then im calling chris. bye bye

xoxo emilie

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[15 Nov 2003|11:12pm]
[ mood | grrr ]
[ music | pardon me--incubus ]

umm today i went to get my mom a present.. i got her a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure at young nails. umm then i went to chris's house. sal and mario were there when i got there.. and they both were gone in like 45 minutes. and umm then i spent time with chris and then sal asked him to go to movies at like 8:45 when i could have stayed till like 10:30, but he made me call my dad so he could go out with his friends he sees every day when he can only see me like once a week. i was really pissed off at him because he was fucking making me call my dad so he could go out and have a good time and i just got in a fight with him this morning about how hes always too busy for me. but whatever. i was just really pissed about it. he said he would make it up to me and like come see me tomorrow.. cuz my mom invited him to come with us on whatever we do for her birthday tomorrow.. but who knows. he said hed "try" though. im still pissed off but not as much as before.. but to get my mind off how mad i was when i left i got some taco bell and went to sams house.. and we went in the hot tub and it was sooo cold out and the water wasnt even that hot. im not doing that again this winter.. especially not in a foot of snow like last winter hahaha.... ok so yeah... my dad came and picked me up and now im home. and i guess im out of stuff to write. so im gonna go.. bye bye

xoxo emilie

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[15 Nov 2003|09:03am]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | sweet dreams are made of these--marilyn manson ]

umm yeah last night was rockfest. i didnt have the best time but it was pretty cool i guess. meghan was awesome. umm i saw katie for the first time since forever.. and mallory too. um all the bands were good. i stayed till like 11:15. chris left early with the guys. i want to see him today but he says he might be hanging out with mario. he knows i cant see him tomorrow cuz its my moms birthday. im not gonna write everything on my mind right now cuz im like pissed off and stuff, so let me change the subject. today i have to go to the coach store with my dad to get something for my mom, and i think im gonna try and get her like a gift certificate to a nail place or something. hmm ok im not gonna write anything else. bye

xoxo emilie

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[14 Nov 2003|03:56pm]
hmm tonight should be fun. rockfest and union high school!! everyone go! lol.. yeah chris's band is the first one on.. im going there with meghan and we're meeting john, mallory, morgan, maggie (happy birthday!), hana, emily, and katie at the main entrance at like 6:30/6:45 cuz we dont know where the freshman gym is.. and i gotta find some sort of means home from there at like 1:00am cuz thats about when its over.. ill see if maybe morgan can drive me? lol. umm ok well im gonna go play some drums i think and then take a shower cuz im greasy (eww) okie.. bye bye

xoxo emilie
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[13 Nov 2003|03:37pm]
ummm today at school was uneventful. i gave everyone their rockfest tickets and such. and ummm thats tomorrow. should be dandy. tonight i have to go to NYC to see little shop of horrors.. ill be "tuckered out" tomorrow. i might get to go to H&M tonight so that'll be nifty. ummm its really windy outside.. its rediculous. yeah as you can tell i dont have a lot to write about. umm today in german sam got all mad at me cuz i embarassed her about 2 guys that shes embarassed she went out with in like 7th grade.. so then i said all this embarassing stuff about myself to make her feel better and she was still mad at me. but she got over it in 7th period when we had mrs. z for a substitute (amazing woman). umm ok im gonna go because i dont have a lot else to write. toodles

xoxo emilie
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[12 Nov 2003|07:26pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

ummm yeah. school was unexentful.. until chris fucing bizub made sam cry and derek hashemmi and all those fucking idiots kept calling her fat and laughing because she was crying.. and they sorta did it to me too.. so then i went and umm.. threw him against a wall and wouldnt let go and started asking him why he treats us like shit... it didnt get a lot accomplished.. i didnt punch him or anything.. i would have though but i know i could get suspended cuz i already got in a fight with josh this year, and chris would get mad at me. i really want then to just stop though. seriously.. it really old. and then i did some homework... went to drums.. went to chris's and got the rockfest tickets which i shall distribute tomorrow. umm i told denmead once that i couldnt make the game friday but im scared he didnt hear me.. and im scared to remind him. ill go after school tomorrow. i forgot to go today. umm tomorrow 3rd period i have a gangs assembly.. hah.. and then after school i gotta run home, do homework, and then my mom and are are going into NYC to see a show and stuff.. and umm.. i guess thats it for now. im gonna go find some food.

xoxo emilie

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[11 Nov 2003|07:55pm]
cuddle and a kiss
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[11 Nov 2003|03:55pm]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | buddy holly--weezer ]

wow this is sad.. i just took this quiz "what sesame street character's dark secret are you?" and it made mt like depressed for some reason and i dont know why. ive just been kind of down today. i dont know why, but it really sucks. and also whats sad is that krystina has one of those babies with a sensor and that cries for her child development class and like i love it so much.. hah. i like carry it around and hold it during german class and it doesnt cry when its with me and i dunno im just like attached to it.. heh.. yeah its kind of pathetic. people are giving me their money for rockfest.. chris only has 6 tickets left though. so far i can only accept money for one more ticket so whoever gets to me first tomorrow gets it i guess. hah. ok well i dont have a lot else to write i guess. ill probably update later. bye

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