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[27 Nov 2003|09:49pm] |
im at meghans house!! yeah we played ddr for a really long time and we played every song except for the ones we failed.. tonight im sleeping here and then tomorrow im going with her to get her hair cut because she needs me to explain to the lady what a chelsea looks like cuz ive had it before... ok.. well not a lot else to say.. im really tired from all that aZn ddr.. bye bye
xoxo emilie
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[27 Nov 2003|11:45am] |
happy thanksgiving!!
umm yesterday i went to NYC with sam and kristen for the balloons.. we got there pretty late... like 9:30? and we stayed around tha balloons for like an hour or a little more? and umm then we looked everywhere for an open starbucks and we finally found one on 77th and colombus. so we sat there till like 12:45 till they kicked us out.. we met these black guys, mo (he worked there) sherlin, and "red". shirlin plays guitar and the rest play piano and when they were in high school they had an r&b/jazz group.. i thought that was really awesome.. and uhh then i got home at like 1:30am. and i went straight to bed. this morning i woke up and watched some of the parade with my mom.. and then i cooked my vegitarian thing for thanksgiving.. it tastes awesome lol. oke.. well im gonna go play online pool or something.. bye bye
xoxo emilie
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[26 Nov 2003|07:54pm] |
umm today was a half day at school.. after school i went downtown for a little bit with sam and meghan.. and then we went to my house. and then we drove them home and i went to drums and then grocery shopping for thanksgiving. and in a few minutes im going to NYC with sam to watch the balloons get blown up for the parade tomorrow... so im gonna eat and take some meds and stuff before i go.
the inside of my nose hurts =(
-emilie
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[25 Nov 2003|08:25pm] |
god im still so sick...
today at school was sort of uneventful.. after school meghan and i went to my house till like 4:15 and we played DDR and stuff. and then we walked to the high school to get picked up by her mommy. it turns out her brother is the blind kid at our school.. lol who knew.. so then we hung out at her house till like 6 maybe? her cat is so cute. then we walked to jon greens house.. i sorta like just met him today. brian who i sit next to in math.. and this kid pat i didnt know.. and we played DDR and drums.. jons a really good drummer and hes been playing less time than me.. i hate that.. lol.. everyones better than me even if they've been playing for less time. ok well i dont have a lot else to say besides chris hates me. and i feel like shit. bye bye
-emilie
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[24 Nov 2003|08:35pm] |
uggghhhh
chris IMs my cell phone saying "hey just so u know, i never want to see u again, or hear your voice, or see ur text messages, ever again. thanks for the journal post." agh.. he acts like an asshole to me, and he acts so cocky about being the one to dump me. he acts like he can talk down to me just because he dumped me. and like god i just want him to just be nice to me and have some fucking respect for me. he said when we were together that i meant a lot to him and that hed alwasy love me in the back of his mind but.. that was a LIE. yup.. surprisingly im not crying. but i went to sams at like 4 and i just walked home.. and i just cried half the time.. and i had these crazy thoughts. like.. i want to take a whole fucking bottle of advil.. or like.. get hit by a car.. or something stupid like that.. but i dont want to die. i just want something to happen where people will care about me... its like no one cares about me.. no one but sam at least. my two closest friends were chris and sam. and now chris hates me. i feel like i missing a third of myself... thats why i care about losing him so much. i was always with him. now who am i going to be with? i wish he thought this way. he just doesnt understand.. i really thought i was more special than that to him.. i was looking through my calender on my cell phone and i came across April 29, 2004.. and chris had put in there "1 year. if not then know i did love you".. and i dunno. now i wonder if he really did. id like to this he did.. but him saying thats hed always love me in the back of his mind was a lie.. and me being special to him was a lie.. and like.. i said "wasnt losing your virginity to me special?" and he says "sorta". SORTA? i mean jesus. id like to think he didnt just do it because he was horny, because that wasnt what he told me.
i feel like im going to do something stupid
and i feel like shit anyways
-emilie
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[24 Nov 2003|08:58am] |
hmm
last night i drugged up on cough syrup and tylenol PM. im going to the doctor some time this morning.
last night i asked chris if hes already started seeing other people and he said "sorta.. lol" but then he said he was just kidding and said that hes not yet. it made me wonder.. maybe he sorta is? eh.. i want him to miss me..
ok well i dont have a lot to say.. so i guess ill go now and update later. peace
-emilie
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[23 Nov 2003|08:35pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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ahh i miss chris
its pathetic because he doesnt miss me
anyways.. christian might be coming up to NJ around christmas. that would be cool.
tomorrow im going to the doctor in the morning and then we'll see if i go to school after that.. i have a really bad headache right now. ill take some tylenol PM later.. when im ready to go to sleep.
i didnt really have a lot to update on.. so i guess ill update tomorrow? bye bye
-emilie
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[23 Nov 2003|06:36pm] |
hi..
yeah.. my mom made my family clean our house.. and then i slept all day. im going to the doctor tomorrow. i dont know why im not getting better. sam says i overdid it yesterday when we went to new york. my dad comes home late tomorrow night. i miss him.
ahh im hungry and i miss chris like a motherfucker.. im gonna eat then go back to sleep..
-emilie
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[23 Nov 2003|11:44am] |
hey.. not a lot to update on.
im not allowed to do anything today cuz im still sick and my mom wont let me do anything. i was gonna go to the magic grill with meg but my mommy wouldnt let me.
and umm... yeah.. i talked to chris.. last night he hung out with mario, sal, and 2 girls.. i asked if anything happened and he said "nah".. he knows how worried i am about him hooking up.. he knows i still love him. and hes over me and doesnt love me. i still feel like something happened and he doesnt want to tell me because he thinks its not my business. i can see where he would think that.. but he still means a lot to me and he knows that. i hope he would tell me what happened if anything did...
-emilie
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| im stealing meghans survey!! answer it!! |
[23 Nov 2003|09:30am] |
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What song (if any) reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. Do you consider me a good friend?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Would you make a move on me?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Do I cross your mind at least 2 times a day?
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[23 Nov 2003|08:59am] |
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hmm...
chris didnt call last night like i thought he would. i feel like such a bitch because im so worried about what hes doing. but i cant help it. im just so scared that hes like dating or hooking up or something... and chris's mom called me crazy or something a few days ago and now shes denying it to me. wtfever.
i gotta go to the doctor tomorrow bro.. i feel like crap... caryn and christie were supposed to come over today but i dunno now because caryn has a concert band show. whatever. im doing caryn a favor by drumming on the recording, AND letting them record at my house, and then she tries to tell me that i cant have sam over at MY house when im doing them fucking FAVORS? jesus christ. fuck that man.
anyways.. i dont know what im gonna do/if im doing anything today cuz im sick.
i guess ill update later?
-emilie
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[22 Nov 2003|09:51pm] |
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mood |
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regretful |
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music |
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girl at the rock show--blink 182 (stuck in my fucking head) |
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ummm today i went to the audition with sam. chris got my letters i sent him. hah. and hes like.. mad at me? hes the one who went on a date with 3 girls last night. hah. and who knows what hes up to or who hes with now. he said hes in union center and hes been busy.. yeah... makes me wonder a bit. i know he thinks that i shouldnt wonder what hes doing.. but i do still love him. and i want to know who hes with.. and what hes doing. yeah its sad whatever. its just that hes over me and im worried about what hes doing.. if hes hooking up.. or even like.. holding hands.. hah. yeah this is pathetic but its true. today i was sitting in sams care waiting for sam and her aunt to come so we could go get amy.. and sam came out and asked what was wrong.. and i just started crying like crazy.. i was crying at everything. i actually didnt cry yesterday.. and it feels like i havent cried in a while. but i just like exploded.. sam is such a good friend. i dont know what id do without her. i wouldnt have met chris because i wouldnt have gone to the cove alone. heh.. i just wonder what hes doing and what and who hes been so busy with.. =/
well sam and i went to the city today with her mom and aunt. it was such a pain in the ass that her aunt insisted on coming when shes in a fucking wheelchair. but we went to the audition which was uneventful.. then we went to chinatown.. ate at WO HOPS!! (and got an awesome shirt frome there).. then took the bus back to sams.. and then amy and kristen came over. and i wasnt feeling well and also i was like nervous or something.. like about chris or something. so i went home. and now i took some cough medicine. if this doesnt clear up by monday then im going to the doctor. i feel like shit. i might just take it easy tomorrow. you know what would be amazingly great? if i like stayed home all day tomorrow.. and then for some reason chris came to my house with flowers or something and said that he misses me and wants to try again.. HAH. in my dreams. that would be so amazing though. god.. lol... i remember when we got in a fight.. or he wanted to dump me or something.. like maybe 2 months ago.. i went to his house and it was like awkward. and then he sent me up to his room.. and then he came upstairs with toaster strudel that said "im sry i <3 u baby".. that was the sweetest thing he ever did. and i dunno why.. it was just really sweet.. and it showed that he actually cared about me and that he loved me.. i realized like 10 minutes ago when i was downstairs that like.. i always asked him if "anything happened" when he went out without me or something.. and i acted like i didnt trust him. and i had NO reason to be like that. because he really did love me and he was devoted to me. i guess i realized it because i was thinking about how worried i am now about where he is and who hes with.. because i actually have a reason to be. and i didnt have ANY reason to be worried before. i guess chris really was right about everything.. or most things at least.. all along. i really was too parinoid. and i did act like a bitch sometimes. i dont agree that im crazy. i act crazy emotional though because of the depo-provera.. i found out that you dont get your period when you're on it.. but you still get the emotional effects of PMS and being on the rag.. but ALL THE FREAKING TIME... because it fucking builds up in your system and you get crazy emotional and cry all the time and get mad a lot and stuff. i wasnt like this before i went on the depo.. and i went on the depo for him. lol. how ironic.
ok.. well i dont have a lot else to write.. except that i miss chris.. and its mostly because i realized how bad i fucked up. i bet if i didnt get my next BC shot and i got back on my period regularly then i wouldnt be crazy like he says i am. and if i wasnt on it then he wouldnt have dumped me. then again.. i also probably would have been pregnant by now but who knows... ok.. well im done beating myself up about this for tonight
i feel feverish
goodnight..
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[22 Nov 2003|07:50am] |
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music |
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tenacious D |
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hmmm i just woke up like 20 minutes ago. not a single person is online... well they all have their away messages up. last night was so much fun.. umm my hair looks awesome. chri called at like 12:30 in the morning.. i guess thats when he got home from doing whatever it was he went and did? anyway i have like no recolection of what was said on either of our parts because he woke me up so i was like 1/2 asleep. i think the end of the conversation was nice though.. except i think i said "love you" when i said goodbye.. and i think he said "love u too" but eh who knows. he doesnt love me, thats what i know. i feel like shit. its just my throat really. its really soar and i keep coughing. and it hurts really bad. i hope its not strep...again. i always get strep. uhh... i might go to NYC with sam.. theres this open audition for some movie with adam sandler that i found out about.. they're looking for a chubby 13-15 year old to play the daughter. it said they have to be a funny and strong actress. that is SO sam. shes so perfect for it. ok well im gonna go because theres nothing else to write about.. and im gonna go fetch me some cough drops. bye bye
-emilie
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| w00t! |
[21 Nov 2003|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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perfect--simple plan |
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hmmm sam is french braiding my hair at the moment. she came over at like 6:00 and then we hade lots of soap.. and now shes like obsessed with it lol.. and she dyed my hair and it looks awesome. its like a really deep/bright burgundy-red. it looks sooo good. shes leaving at like 11 and then ill fall asleep. someone fucking took like $80 from my room and i think it was the fucking polish cleaning ladies. whatever. ill jump them for it. lol. sam and i will go buckwild on whoever took it man... ummm yeah.. not a whole lot else to write i guess.. im recording a demo with christie and caryn on sunday cuz they want to do the battle of the bands and they need a demo tape but they dont really have a full band yet. i dont think i want to play in the battle of the bands with them though cuz like josh's band and all them will be there and stuff.. plus ill look like an idiot anyways. ok well thats all for now.. toodles
-emilie
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[21 Nov 2003|02:44pm] |
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w00t i actually got pants!! 3 pair!! and they all look so cute and they fit!! i got a pair of sweatpants-ish things that im wearing right now, a pair of black pants, and a pair of jeans that i really like and that fit well. umm and i made some awesome peppermint bath salts that look REALLY cute. ill take a picture or something soon
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[21 Nov 2003|08:35am] |
hmmm
home sick again.. i feel like shit. i want to go shopping but my family cant afford it. i need pants desperately though.. heh
umm yeah.. i chris called me at like 9:30 last night. i was 1/2 asleep though so i forget what he said. i think he said that he doesnt hate me though. and that made me happy. yes.. um.. so.. i guess im not going to the game tonight, or sleeping over at sams like i was supposed to. i guess i should go to the doctor. if i feel better then ill sleep over sams tomorrow or something. ok well i dont have a lot else to say. ill update later once people get home from school and talk to me.
i think chris is getting my letter today =/
-emilie
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[20 Nov 2003|06:58pm] |
god... im so upset. and im crying for the first time today. i feel so guilty. he called me a little bit ago just to say that what i did was really fucked up and that he hates me and that hes happy that he broke up with me. god dammit. why did i have to do something stupid like that and for no reason. and now i know that he'll always hate me. i talked to sal before and he said that chris probably just hates me right now and he wont later. and then i called him back like 5 minutes ago to tell him how bad i felt again and he said "i dont care."... i think once in this journal i wrote "i wish i could hate him" or something. and he flipped out and was convinced that i never loved him and was crying and stuff. and he said that he hates me. im so hurt.. and i hope that in time he wont hate me anymore. he was actually starting to be nice to me and now hes being mean again. i know what i did was wrong but when he went on my sn he did worse and i barely got mad even though he was like digging up shit on me. i hope he realizes that. i know what i did was wrong and stupid. but still its not reason to hate me. to be mad at me, yes. but to hate me? no. he needs to swallow his pride and realize that... ok well i dont have a lot else to say except that he broke my heart AGAIN by saying that..
-emilie
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[20 Nov 2003|04:52pm] |
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mood |
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hurt but not showing it |
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music |
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screaming infidelities--dashboard confessional |
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ok well chris official said that he hates me.. i went on his screen name for a minute. not even to change anything or mess with it or any of that shit. and i didnt talk to anyone he knew. and he found out and now he hates me. and told me to leave him alone forever
PUNKitty666: what now you hate me?
SKaTeR cK1: YEAH
i remember a few months ago he went on my screen name for a long time. and he actually talked to people. here i went on for a second for no reason and i didnt talk to anyone and he says he hates me. i didnt flip out that bad when he went on and TALKED to guys on my screen name because he did trust me. so yeah thats fucking bullshit. and like he called me before for some reason to tell me he got his hair cut or something..? ok? and now he hates me. fuck him. fickle asshole
yours truely,
emilie
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