KAARUH's Blurty -- Entries

KAARUH's Blurty Entries

KAARUH

(2 BULLET | TO THE HEAD)

harlequin [28 Aug 2008|01:38am]

[ mood | excited ]

[ music | lovehurts / incubus ]

It's about one thirty aye em (1.30am) and I'm slowly feeling better from before. This whole being a girl thing, fucking sucks sometimes. It's really kicked my ass today, but I guess tomorrow will be better, and even if it doesn't at least I just have one day to get through and then I basically have a tiny vacation. Hopefully the damn thing ends in four days like it did last month, at least that will give me the freedom to do what I love to best... yeah that's right, have long, hot, ass smackin, great sex. Any who, so I just went online and did a mini half-ass search on supplies for my Harley Quinn costume (since that is what I've chosen to be) Since I'm not comfortable in my own skin, and probably wont be in the next two months, unless I perform a miracle, I have chosen to skimp out on the whole skin tight leather red & black signature harley quinn look. Instead, i've decided that I'll have my own little spin off my girl Harley. I've already found the boots I want, which I'll probably have to purchase online, which isn't a big deal to me- (side note: THEY ARE FUCKING HOT!! ) Then I'll probably go to torrid or hot topic and find this skimpy mini skirt and a black and red corset (or some little black and red dress) throw a jester head piece on me, get the little mask around my eyes, and paint my lips black and red AND VUA-LA!!! (spelling? i suck at french- the language) Who knows where this goes. I'm not sure yet. I guess I really won't be harley quinn ... i'll probably look like a slutty little goth kid, which ... well thats half of what halloween is all about. Hmmm I love candy corn.

(TO THE HEAD)

mother nature [26 Aug 2008|11:45pm]

[ mood | pleased ]

[ music | CONSTANTINE ON TEEVEE ]

I'm in bed, in a pair of jammie pants with cartoon kitties with bird feathers hanging out' their mouths and a pink tanktop. I'm watching constantine, for the millionth time in my tiny existance. I am finally at ease- my mood hasn't been because I'm fucking insane, but because (drumroll) I'M MENSTRATING!!!!! Woo ray! That would explain my tummy tenderness, my headaches, MY ANXIETY ATTACKS. On the up & up, it can't get any worse. Now that its here, I can build myself back to being my normal functioning self. I'm very please with this. Nuvaring goes back in Friday so this thing shouldn't last very long, which again is a plus. Now, the downside... I'M FUCKING HUNGRY!

(TO THE HEAD)

sickness [25 Aug 2008|10:17pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

[ music | INCUBUS / DIG ]

Another day in a row, where I feel absolutely disgusting. I feel like my insides are trying to rip itself apart. At least I made it through the day, and now that it;s over i'm really satisfied that I didn't get VTO. I will probably go to bed early tonight, since my sleeping patterns are all over the charts, plus it's not like there is anyone I can / want to talk to right now. I'm just in one of those moods, where my stomach is sore and I don' twant to talk or do anything.. or even breathe. even thats a pain in the ass. But I guess I'll keep that up. HEHE. I have my little baby teevee on mute while I listen to this stupid fucking song on my myspace. A stupid fucking song, that I love that is on my ipod and my ringtone, that basically sums up me and my relationship, that I adore. (shrugs) I don't know anymore.

I've been smoking too much. I think it is effecting my appetite. Same with the birth control I'm on. Most forms of contreceptive increase appetite, mine on the other hand... not so much. I had one meal today (at nine thirty), with the exception of a pack of starbursts at work, and I hate food right now. I just want to vomit. I just want the remainder of the month to be over with, that would be fantastic. I would be able to get over my moodiness, my feeling sick, my overanalytical bullshit. At least on the up and up I have Thursday, Saturday Sunday & Monday off. So I just need to get through tomorow, wednesday and friday, which even though it'll be tough, I'll pull through. Hopefully as the days go along I;ll be more myself again. Because like I've made mention of before, I don't feel right lately. I know it's a million things at once, which as of a couple days ago, I began letting go of and it has changed my mood a little bit, I still feel that I'm having these rushes of anxiety and I dont know where they are coming from. Take this morning for example, I woke up around 10 because my alarm went off. And I stayed up for a bit, basically just sat up and felt woozy and my stomach felt like a punching bag, I went back to sleep maybe a half hour later and forced myself to sleep until 1130. The whole time I wanted to throw up- i was all shakey and my head was spinning and I felt this rush of inner paranoia, over absolutely nothing. Seriously. NOTHING. Not a fucking clue. Just that rush of adrenaline. When I woke up again, I felt slightly better but not normal. I went to work and at first I wantd to bash my head in. I almost cried while in the shower this morning because I didn't want to go. But i pulled through. The calls sucked, it was busy the whole night until near the end. When me and Lauren went outside, we were talking and I was smoking and I felt better, but as soon as I stepped foot in my car, my leg started to twitch and my hands were shaky and I wanted to pass out. Like, what the fuck? Maybe it is my lack of eating thats causing this, I dont know. But even when I do eat, it's almost as if i have to force myself, because I'm just not hungry. I dont like this and I'm thinking that I need to go to a hormonal therapist like my aunt says because this can't be good for my health. my blood pressure is probably thru the roof, which wouldnt surprise me because both of my parents have terrible blood pressure. Oh genetics... how i'd love nothing more then to kick you in the balls. I think I'm going to lay down for a bit, maybe I'll feel better, and fight of the urge for another smoke. But we all know me, I'll cave in.

(TO THE HEAD)

drained [23 Aug 2008|11:18pm]

I've spent majority of the day at home. It was nice going out with Lauren tonight, despite the fact that I felt terrible the entire time. I've basically felt like vomiting from the time I woke up to this very moment. I've been trying to go with the motions regarding my mood, and so far I'm doing better, although the past two hours have been difficult. My parents are at the boat, and since I'm by myself, I kind of wish I went, but then again I wouldn't want to spend the night there if this feeling of nausea continues. I probably could have hung out with Lauren more, but like I said, I feel terrible. It's a lose lose situation I suppose. I didn't go to work today. Typical, isn't it? I really didn't want to go into work just to go home. Why not just cut out the middle man. I kind of wish I had someone to talk to right now. I could talk to Riley, but shes not the most outgoing when it comes to conversing. (Not to mention, I'll pass on the whole being strapped to a gurney with a saline drip, bit). Well I've tried to stay optimistic today. I can feel my rag coming any day now. I can tell because of my headache and my stomach cramps and my bipolar change in mood. At least instead of being complete and utterly depressed, I'm just... blah. That's a good thing... right? I will say yes, just to keep some good vibes going. I don't really know the point of me writing this. Well, that sucks.

(TO THE HEAD)

DIG [23 Aug 2008|12:38am]

[ mood | determined ]

[ music | INCUBUS / DIG ]

"IF I TURN INTO ANOTHER, DIG ME UP FROM UNDER WHAT IS COVERING THE BETTER PART OF ME, SING THIS SONG, REMIND ME THAT WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE EACHOTHER WHEN EVRYTHING ELSE IS GONE"

This will sound strange, but I feel a lot better. Ill be going to bed very shortly, I just need to get the rest of the baggage of my chest. We finally had it out. I finally had everything everyone has been afraid to say to me, said. All my flaws and issues and barriers laid out on the table right in front of me. And I finally feel this weight lifted off my shoulders. What normally would be a hard pill to swallow is going down easy. Sure this headache is pounding, but its worth it. I don't feel held back. I know all the things I need to change. I do need to stop comparing, I do need to stop holding onto hardships and deal with them one at a time. I need to go back to being me. I need to stop being so hard on myself, stop holding the grudge with myself and dishing it out left and right. Most of all, I realized he is not like the rest. He proved it tonight- he is still with me. I guess he does think I'm worth the fight. He understands this isn't who I am. He's willing to take the time, build it back to what it is. I'm willing to break the habits I've held onto, and willing to throw my guard back down. As long as in the end he's there, its worth the fight. Its worth the battle scars, its worth the twistin in my stomach the tears that were in my eyes. Its worth facing my demons. Because he's worth it. He's worth fighting for. I can't imagine my life without him, and all those times of being afraid he was gonna leave me, was what pushed him and I just wanna stop worrying and letting it go. All the anger, the fight in me is completely gone. All I need to know is I love him & he loves me back and not question it. I know I'm a mess and insecure but in the end if he didn't love me he would've been gone a long time ago. I'm gonna do it right this time. I'm going to make MYSELF happy.

(TO THE HEAD)

off [22 Aug 2008|04:04pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

Something feels off today. Its gorgeous outside, I'm at work, feeling my stomach eat itself because I hardly ever eat anymore. This morning I took my nuvaring out and I'm waiting for my rag which I need, greatly. I'm sitting on the steps, every so often glancing at the top of my side kick screen, only 6 minutes into mybreak. Doesn't it figure that life flashes before your eyes yet at times like this is drags on forever. I want to go home. Fuck, nevermind, I want a cigarette. I guesss this really is my week to get my rag because I'm very over analytical, I'm more selfish then usual, and I'm conflict seeking. I feel like everyone around me can sense it too. Even when I talked to dan on the phone everything felt cold, from the first word to the last. And its me, I guess. Something inside me doesn't feel right today. I'm hoping I can get vto and get the fuck out of this prison.

(TO THE HEAD)

heaven & hell [22 Aug 2008|12:09am]

[ mood | gloomy ]

The truth is, I just haven't been in the chatty mood since the party. I have minor things that have bothered me that I find just aren't work talking about and getting emotional over. Its not that I lied, its just something I needed to gradually build myself into talking about and there wasn't enough time to brace myself.

Anyone who knows me can say one thing about me-she doesn't believe in God. And yes I play it off that he is nothing but a myth. I say that I don't believe in the stereotypical heaven or hell, lucifer or jesus christ phenomenon(s). (Spelling?) I guess you could say I'm very skeptical. What I say is, ever since I was little, probably about 10, I've been absolutely terrified of death. Well that's not so strange, but I would lay in my bed and shake and cry and scream in terror because I always thought, "what happens when you die?" if you don't believe in previously mentioned heaven or hell, what happens? Do you float off in this big black nothing for eternity? I don't know. What if there is no heaven? all those believers will just be nothing. All their hopes and predictions for the afterlife have evaporated. I've spent my life fighting off any idea or concept of life after death for that main reason.
At the party today I overheard charlie talking to my papa about how he's feeling and listened to my papa go on about how he's not scared anymore and he's lead a good life especially these last couple of yrs because of us (grandkids) and that when he's gone everything will be alright cos he will be in heaven. Its nice to hear him so calm and so sure but it scares me because when I'm on the chopping block, how will I feel? What if when you die you go to what you believe in, (I.E heaven for him, black nothing for me) that's very scary. I'm also having a hard time coping with the fact that one day he won't be here, to make me smile, to cheer me up, to defend me. Of course there are memories, but they are past and once he's gone, that's all he will be. A wonderful memory. Thankfully he is still with me, but I can't help but think that one day he won't. And it breaks my heart.

(TO THE HEAD)

on a side note: [21 Aug 2008|03:54am]

[ mood | horny ]

Do you wanna know how absolutely amazing my breasts are? I just looked down at them and had the sudden urge (@ 4am) to sexual abuse myself... and you know what, I think I shall.

(TO THE HEAD)

no parking zone [17 Aug 2008|05:32pm]

[ mood | okay ]

As many of you know (many as in the one or two people who read this) I've been in a very off mood the last couple weeks. Last night I wound up spending the night with Danny and my mood turned around. I felt better. We put in a movie after we smoked, which didn't take a lot of for me cos I haven't done so in forever, we ended up having amazing sex, went outside smoked again and repeat. We spent the night kissing and touching which was just what I needed. We fell asleep probably about 4:30am.
So I wake up in the am, go to the bathroom and when I'm fully awake I open my eyes and there is my baby. He gave me some kisses and all my stresses went away. That is... just as he was getting out of the bathroom there was a knock @ the door and it was the guy from the building over. My car got towed!! We scrambled around, looked outside and there was an empty spot where my car was parked the night before and a sign that I would assume read "no parking, will be towed @ owners expense" that was not there at 2 am. I didn't know what to do. Danny (being the amazing guy he is) handled it. We went to stop n shop took out $110.00 (which was the towing amount!!!) got a cab and went to the place. Luckily the guy who towed the car was cool and let me get it out today, the place was initially closed. We got out of there and hung out for a little bit longer before I dropped him off at friendlys so he could go to a party. Of course at the time of the towing and drama I was mad he was still going, but now I'm happy that he's having fun. I never liked the idea @ first, but after last night and having all the bickering and arguing over with, I'm just happy we're okay again. So, even though its sunday and I'm not with my babes, its alright. The only downside is I feel like I have another uti!! So I'm thinkin I'm gonna leave my aunts and snuggle at home.

(TO THE HEAD)

bleeder [15 Aug 2008|10:31pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | something corporate / as you sleep ]

Its been one of those weeks. I really don't mean to be the way I am, and when I try to make up for my mistakes I'm so unintentionally cold about. I'm not trying to push him away. I mean, I love him. Like, to the end of the earth - love him. I'd die for him. And I'm scared of that feeling.
I'm laying on my side listening to my ipod feeling sick to my stomach. Somedays I really fucking hate myself. This is how it all started. This is how I've had my heart broken. I get so depressed for a period of time and the person I'm with gets dragged down and it ends. And I'm so scared this is gonna happen again. Not to discredit anything he's ever said, but I've been reassured that people would stick by me and they ended up giving up in the end. I'm feeling liek everyday I'm like this I'm losing him, everyday I have this distant look on my face, that's one ounce of love being taken away. And I'm too afraid to just say that. Instead I'm cold, I'm sarcastic, I act like I don't care, but 2 minutes later I'm kicking myself, shaking and regretting whatever it is I've done. I can't get a hold of him to tell him I'm stupid and I'm sorry and I love him and I'd do anything for him, and I'm trying to shake this but I can't. I get voice mail. And I'm so terribly lonely and every inch I move the worse I feel. Every time I try to let it go remind myself that its gonna be alright I think of life without him and the tears pour out more and my body shakes harder and its more difficult to breathe and the less I see.

I wish I could say sorry for the way I am. I wish I could look him in the eyes and tell him everything I'm afraid to say. I wish he would forgive me, tell me it'll be alright, tell me he loves me and he always will. But I can't hear that cos I can't talk to him, and I can't convince myself otherwise, despite the notes, the txts, and the msgs. I wish I could hear it right here and now.

(TO THE HEAD)

alien-nation [13 Aug 2008|12:29am]

[ mood | okay ]

I need to wake up at 9am tomorrow, to bring erik, shawny, & chris to driving school. Not exactly what I'd like to do. Then for one o clock me and Dan are going to the dmv and try and get his ID lets keep our fingers crossed.

I'm feeling a great deal better. After two nights in a row ballin my eyes out for no particular reason and then discretely for the beginning half of the day, its a relief that I'm sort of back to normal. Granted I decided to skimp out on my medication since it makes me feel terrible. Its no biggie. I'm gonna assume my mood has been because of a. My frustration with my lack of drive & focus and b. My rag which since I've been on birth control, ill be expecting to receive it when I remove the nuvaring. I suppose ill go to bed since batman & robin... well sucks.

(TO THE HEAD)

4 in the morning [11 Aug 2008|10:52pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

I can't even describe the full matter of the state I'm in. For the past two nights, since I got home up until this very moment (with the exception of when I was at work) I've done nothing but cry. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my body hurts, I just don't want to exisit right now. I'm so fucking lonesome and I can't get a hold of anyone. I can't call my aunt cos she's sleeping, I can't talk to my mom, I'd only get the cold treatment. I can barely see what I'm typing. I just feel so hollow. Why the fuck is this happening to me again?

I don't know what to do. I tried calling people- nobody answers, I tried reading, that did nothing, I tried watching something funny that didn't help, I tried just sitting here hoping to fall asleep, but that's only getting turning my mind against me. I'm wondering if tomorrow will be better. I just have this bad feeling and I don't know if its just hormones or I'm just scared because everything feels a little too familiar. I've been here before in this state: many times, different circumstances and I'm hoping I'm just sykking myself up. Cos honestly, if I go thru another night of falling asleep in my own saline, I don't know what ill do.

(TO THE HEAD)

Lightning Bolt [08 Aug 2008|12:56am]

[ mood | lonely ]

[ music | Linkin Park / Numb ]

It's probably not the smartest move to drive 85 on a slick highway while it's downpouring, blaring music and (unintentionally) moving in between the lines of the highspeed lane. It probably isn't smart to try and induce tears while doing all this, as well. Well I can't be smart 100% of the time, now can I?

I couldn't tell you what my problem has been lately, all I know is that over that past three to five days I've been in this mellow-dramatic state. Inside I just kind of feel switched off, almost lonely, which is strange because in reality I'm not. In fact, I'm surrounded by the people who make me happy. Yet for some reason, there have been moments every single day during said time-frame where I've wanted to do nothing more than to burst into tears. I've tried everything ; I've tried being optimistic. I've tried talking about my problems (yet when I do this, nothing seems to come about). I've tried to sleep it off- convincing myself that the next day is going to be better. I've tried listening to upbeat music that makes me smile. I've tried watching shows that I know will make me laugh. I've tried to take things lightly and not take everything so seriously, yet nothing seems to work. I've (like previously mentioned) tried to INTENTIONALLY make myself cry. Yet nothing seems to do the trick. On the way home, while stopped at a set of lights, I tried to make myself cry, in hopes of getting it out of my system, but there was nothing. My eyes were completely dry. So I let it go, feeling defeated, again trying to convince myself that by day-break I'll be back to normal. I turned my stereo full blast. I put my guard up, and tried to let the feeling drown out. I didn't touch my ipod, just let it play out. The song "Sonny" came on by New Found Glory, which is a song about losing someone. It didn't effect me at all, which is strange because it is one of those slow yet fast-paced songs that can be very emotional when need be. So I did what I normal do when I'm in my car by myself with the music on full-blast, I sing along. A little over the half way mark in the song, something inside me snapped as I was approaching exit 9 (which can be very dangerous - especially when there are trucks weaving in and out of the lanes because they are so large they are incapable of making complete stops). For the remainder of the song, I was silent, just crying to myself. As soon as the song ended, my eyes were dry again. And as strange as it is, I wanted so badly to put the song on loop so the tears would fall again, hoping that in the end it will change my mood and I won't have this lingering feeling of depression (for no reason). The next song that came on was "Sorry" by BuckCherry which didn't do a damn thing. Again thats a song that can get the tears flowing - and again no tears. I pulled into the driveway. I just sat there for a moment looking out the window, complete vacant expression, completely emotionless waiting to see a crack of lightning but there was nothing. The rain stopped for a moment, until I got into the house, took my medicine, ate something to get the chalky taste out of my mouth and went to my room, where I sit now. When I pulled the shade up the rain picked back up and it was downpouring again. Now there is no rain, I'm listening to Linkin Park's Meteora and I still have this burning urge to cry .. and I can't. I'd really like to get this out of my system.

I'd really like to shake this feeling of loneliness.

(TO THE HEAD)

i am the walrus [06 Aug 2008|11:11pm]

I'm parked @ friendlys. I'm waiting for Dan to get out of work. I can't seem to let go of whatever gripe I have right now. I got some new medication from my Dr. to get whatever Bacterial Infection I have. I haven't started it yet. Will do tomorrow. I'm almost done with my current anti-biotic. I'm happy that it was nothing more then that. I chit-chatted with C Farmer today. Haven't talked to her in like a decade (I'm exaggerating). Kind of hard to hold a grudge when the people I dislike are being civil with me. Perhaps I'm losing my touch. Like a few nights ago when Janelle came over & was talking to me. Never liked her when I worked in Middleboro but she isn't that bad. Then last night when Jordon came up and was talking to me (I never likd her but always idolized her name- I have this attachment to bi-gender names) she was pretty cool. I don't like this

(TO THE HEAD)

doctor, doctor! [01 Aug 2008|01:29am]

[ mood | blah ]

[ music | the beatles / hey jude ]

Today was sadly uneventful (with the exception of blissful sexual intercourse). I did dye my hair which I'm pretty happy with. I'm glad I chose to go back to brunette, its makes my eyes pop. Its like a cherry cola brownish red that glimmers in the light.. Pretty sexy. I picked up my babe after and we snuggled some and did stuff (see above mentioned blissfulness). Then sadly dropped him @ work. I went to my aunts and of course the whole neighborhood was over which meant I had 5 kids all under the age of 12 screaming for my attention (its nice to know somepeople like me). Then the little bastard ryan splashed my hair and it hasn't been the same since. Just kidding. The neighbors left and my aunts friend Kim (someone I grew up with whowas more like family. Also see form of community service which prevented my ass from going to jail) with her baby. Guess she's prego again. We had pizza. Around 830, after reading a story to Jillian, I left to pick up Lauren. Brought her home. Then went to Friendlys. Chatted with the crew, found out my love muffin sliced his finger open (shakes head) poor babes :( I wore his hat for a while, then after Mitch got him something to take the pain away we left. I'm really hoping it doesn't get infected. I didn't see the wound and just hoping hell be alright... which he will... cos he's a mannn. Now I'm here, in my bed half freezing, half sweating not looking forward to yet excited for my doctors appointment. Its @ 1030 and then maybe we can figure out what's wrong with me. We can only hope that its nothing. I suppose ill go now, get some rest. Nothing better to do and I'm sort of tired. (Shrugs)

(TO THE HEAD)

across the universe [31 Jul 2008|02:21am]

[ mood | artistic ]

[ music | the beatles / revolution ]

I've watched this damn movie 3 times this week, and once sunday rolls around it'll probably be another 3, especially after I purchase it. I've been on this strange beatles kick upon watching the movie for the first time. Its really that good. Not Dark Knight good, but amazing in its own ranks. Definitly took over favorite musical (eliminating the once loved Rocky Horror).

Tomorrow I have a long but pleasant day ahead. At 11:30 I'm dying my hair, then picking up my boy and bringing him to work, driving to my aunts spending part of the day with her, double back to pick up Lauren @ work go to the bank and bring her home, then double back again pick up Daniel & bring him home. I'm alright with it. Maybe try and get the movie in one more time before me & lauren have to return it to BlockBuster. At least it was a good investment on her part, I'm certainly taking advantage of her rental. ... okay hold on "hey jude" is starting......

Know what, fuck writing...I'm drawn to this.

(TO THE HEAD)

Jesus is Alive & Well [27 Jul 2008|02:37am]

[ mood | content ]

[ music | breathing ]

I'm feeling a tad woozy, probably because I just sucked down a cigarette, like a hooker sucks dick. Um.. that's a strange comparison I know, but yah know what, I like it & I'm going to stick with it. Since the moment I arrived home, after being with my best friend all day & then seeing the love of my life, I've find myself being completely unsatisfyed with my current state. I attempted to watch a movie, one that I particularly like that (said best friend) had gotten for me... that didn't work. Then I tried to read a book (that said - love of life - had given me to read) but again... no interest. I tried surfing the net... nothing exciting, afterall my (said net surfing) only consists of myspace. I signed onto AOL Instant Messanger (on my laptop) but I have nobody to converse with (I find that the 58 people online out of my total 360 "Buddies" are bland and not worth typing to- of couse unless they message me first... which majority of the time is the case, since I am a stuck up little bitch who is, for some strange reason, incapable of making the first move.
I can still smell his flesh on mine. (the little reminder of where I was hours before my above mentioned boredom set in & how deeply I wish I were nestled into him right now) Jesus Christ, it was good tonight. But it seems that the scent is beginning to fade, and being replaced with the smell of minty-chocolately smoke from my Marl. Smooth 100 (previously mentioned) that seems to still be circling my room. Currently, I am quite unamused. Sleep is obviously an option, but before I cave in I figure maybe I'll try to place my energy elsewhere and see where it takes me. Instead of being snug in my bed wearing practically nothing, I am laying on my stomach, jeans unbuttoned- hanging off my hips- in my white tank, feet against my headboard pointing up towards the ceiling. My fan (which is nothing close to the feeling of an A/C) is directly facing my bed so that when I sleep the cool air is being thrusted at my midsection in chest. Right now, based on my current position, the air is focused on my lower back right where traces of sex have been left dry. I should probably get up & wash it off, since my shower won't be until tomorrow morning. Probably sounds sick... but I've done worse, afterall I've come to accept that ... come... is a part of diet.
I probably should get some rest, since tomorrow I'm going to try and get up at a decent time, get some stuff done around the house so the Mega-Beast (aka mom) can't complain and I need to be at Dan's for one oh clock to begin Kara-Danny Day. Ahh, the simple things in life that I live for. I adore the fact that I can take such pleasure it the simple things in life. That despite my many emotional collapses, I am still capable of sitting back and appreciating the life I lead. That I can enjoy such things as driving around Taunton trying to get to a Bank of America and finding a grown man driving around with a Darth Vadar Helmet on & just snuggling with the man of my dreams. I'm greatly amused by these high-maintence little twits who need to be out drinking or clubbing or spending all of mommy and daddy's hard earned cash to be having a good time, all the while I can be sitting behind my stearing wheel laughing at a joke or talking to (said man of dreams) about writing. I feel bad for those silly girls who do not have the luxery I do... That Luxery... It's called Happiness.

(TO THE HEAD)

capture [24 Jul 2008|06:13pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

[ music | rain ]

Ok. I can't keep this bottled up anymore. I need to get fucking laid. I can't even remember the last time it happened, probably sometime last week, but even still. My plans blew to shit these past two days. Had so many fucking high expectations and they just crashed to the ground. My parents better be going to the boat on saturday and sunday and I better get some, because to be perfectly honest this self-sexual-abuse is doing absolutely nothing for me. NOT A THING. With the exception of helping me sleep.
This is how entertaining life is right now, I'm sitting on my bed, typing this on my sidekick with the lights out and the window. Other then the sounds of my phone clicking and my breathing the only sound I hear is rain on my window. I'm terribly lonely. My boyfriends at work, my best friends at work, my other friends are guys and I don't really wanna be around them, and then the family is passed out somewhere in this house. I have myself and Riley. I suppose I could actually read, but that would require light and I'm avoiding that right now, perhaps ill pass out until someone txts me, yah how wonderful.

(TO THE HEAD)

empty [22 Jul 2008|12:58am]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | five times august - uptome ]

I should probably be feeling something right now. Some type of emotion. Anything. But what I find myself being, is completely empty. I can't smile, I can't laugh, I can't scream, I can't even cry. Again, something that used to be so simple, is completely impossible at the moment. I want tonight to end, I was tomorrow to end. I want Wednesday to be here, so I can have a day to hang out, I want Thursday to come, so I can break myself out of this habit. I'm just laying here. I feel completely drained of all humanly function, with the exception of breathing and typing. Each day I look in the mirror- some days I wouldn't change my life for anything. Other days, I find no value in myself. Nothing. I'm on the borderline right now. Where I feel guilty for something, yet deep down I know that it's nothing I can do, nothing I can take back, so there is nothing I can fret about because it's already happened and it's already over. But I'm leeched to it. I have so many God damned self-esteem issues and it always finds away to hit me when I'm down on the ground about something that will be over with in less than 24 hrs. But I don't see anything. I don't see beauty, I don't see ugly, I don't see smart, I don't see stupid, I don't see successful, I don't see hopeless. I see a vacant reflection. Something is supposed to be there, yet it isn't. I've learned so much about other people's character. I've learned that there are people in this world who talk so much shit about me, when the things they say hold no truth, yet I covet it and I live off it, I breathe it. And it's taking all of my energy. I feel like somehow I deserve this sort of thing. I deserve the torture I put myself through. I deserve the constant second guessing, the constant over-analyzing. I feel like I have the capability to break these chains, yet at the same time I'm not using it to my advantage, I'm not breaking these chains. I'm not ridding myself of the constant need for reassurance. I'm not ridding myself of this terrible self-esteem, I'm not forgiving myself for some stupid things I said a million years ago. I'm not letting go of the mistakes I've made. There are very few things in this world that I want, and for the most part right now I do have them. But right now, it seems so very far away. Right now all I have is the same stupid song on repeat and a fucking still-frame.

(TO THE HEAD)

pumped [18 Jul 2008|12:48am]

[ mood | ecstatic ]

[ music | the AC blasting ]

So despite my whirl winds of emotion over the past couple days, which have been quite bipolar, there is one thing I am greatly looking forward. That would be tomorrow. Everything about tomorrow shall be good. Already pre-ordered the tickets for the Dark Knight in IMAX, and our movie starts at 12:15, so it will be busy, but not TOO busy. We need to get their at a fairly decent time, in my opinion, because if I know people, I know that they will be crowding around trying to get tickets and some mother fucker is gonna take our seats. Either way tho, I do not believe there is any possible way of breaking my mood for tomorrow. Me, my babe, my babes dad, and HEATHER LEDGER AS THE JOKER. Come on!!! I have my Joker Shirt laid out, my makeup sprawled over my desk, and I was attempting to watch Batman Begins until Charlie switched it to "Lost in the Bermuda Triangle". But even that isn't phasing me... because TOMORROW IS DARK KNIGHT IN IMAX!!! I'M SOOO EXCITED!!
Not even my stupid ex-best friends silly attempts to ruin my friendship with her ex is getting me down. Not even my mom being a cunt can ruin this. because come 11 O clock, ill be in fall river, getting even more pumped to get to the theatre, and then Sunday, me and my man will probably see it again. And when it comes out on DVD we are both going to buy it and if we last, which I believe is very probable, then we will have two copies. ha ha. oh the life.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK :D && then after we leave his dad, we'll probably venture off, and the night will end with my lips wrapped around his member. Thats what i call a happy ending to a perfect day ;D

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