| I really just want to die |
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| 02:40am 24/06/2003 |
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mood: lonely,depressed,suicidal music: Send me a Angel - Deadstar Assembly
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I dunno whats going on..... I'm just sick of everything and everyone in my life, besides those few people who i know love me and that I love. Im tired of being hurt, I'm tired of hurting others. Everytime I sit down to rant and rave I end up talking about how much I miss rob....... then underneat that its how much i hate my dad, and yet under that is the hidden damage of what my mother has done to me, which seems like years and years ago. They say life gets better? I say when. Yeah, I may get what i want when i get it but i dont fucking ask for much. damned if i do damned if o dont. MY GOD NONE OF THIS MAKES SINCE AND IM NOT FUCKING EXPLAINING IT!!!!!!!!! wow that was a lot of bullshit.. Maybe I should have said that to my father instead of a goddamn computer screen that really hasnt sloved any of my fucking problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love rob so much yet he doenst even understand or care or its just some great huge game or my lies ruined it....God i dont know about my dad i mean sometimes he can be great and all and we get along but its just he doesnt understand me or can controll me or can even level with me nad talk on the same page emotionally besides a teacher/student relationship. I know he is there but i just have shut myself off to his love or i dont feel it or something. maybe my giveashitter is broken.... I could give a shit less about my mother. She fucking just doesnt give a shit about me and hasnt for a long fucking time now. I really dont care if she lives or dies. She traded me in for some fucking Steve Urcle looking black man who is sneakier than a goddamn rat and turned my mother into some horrid person that i dont even recognize anymore as my mother.... just a breathing walking talking impersonation of her.... god its sad to go over there,close my eyes and think of me being about 7 when she was cool and when i had a mother..... she isnt my mother anymore . my mother is dead. he killed her.... WHY DOES EVERYONE I GIVE MY HEART TO IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER LEAVE ME?!?! What did I do wrong? why did everyone leave? they are here but i feel tottaly alone..... |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Ugh... |
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| 02:41am 20/06/2003 |
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mood: lost music: Send me a Angel - Deadstar Assembly
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GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to fucking die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh, I am in the most fucked up mood Its unimaginable. Christ, I cant stand this not being around him. Its pure fucking hell...Its like...you feel like you've lost that person yet, you dont know and there is that one dim chance and gleam that they will be there to pick you back up so soon... they are right there, yet so far away. Yet there name, pic, anything that reminds you of them is torture. To the point where you want to pull out your hair and sing show tunes till the take you away to the rubber room with chickens,shiney things, needles, peptobismol, pink fuzzy things and neil diamond. Sometimes I wake up and say that he will be here waiting for me, but I know it will be another damn day of waiting, hopeing that he will be there. Why can't i just wrap my arms around him and say everything will be okay and its all better now? God...... I must sound nuts... ah fuckit i am fucking nuts....I love that boy......ugh.... bye |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Blarg |
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| 01:05pm 19/06/2003 |
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Yeah, I really dont have much to start out with my first entry. Besides the fact Frailty was a trippy movie..... I always like serial killers heaven sent... Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Yet, House of 1,000 corpses made me feel pretty loving and fuzzy..all that good stuff. Well anywhoozles, I really really miss my love.. Crikies I havn't talked to him in sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long.... bah. I love him so much...yet he's mad at me....grrr snarl grumble... I also love my kitty kitty.... mwahs baby...... AND STOP TOUCHING ME THERE! ..... maybe not... |
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Read 1 - Post |
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