M&M's Blurty
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in M&M's Blurty:

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    Thursday, June 3rd, 2010
    2:35 am
    Wowwwwwww memories. What to do, what to do...

    GreatestJournal died, so all my memories of those years are gone with the wind. I'm not sure about LiveJournal but I was never that big on them. I wonder how long Blurty will last? I hope it stays around. I like it here.

    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Current Music: no music, but the house smells like cheese bread :-)
    Sunday, July 26th, 2009
    5:09 pm
    It's Been a While
    Well, I haven't written here in a while... Here's a quick update.

    Things with Eric pretty much didn't change since the last entry until I spoke to him. I asked him why we were still talking. He boldly claimed that he still thought of me as a friend, so he would message me to catch up and see how I was doing. I told him that I still feel hurt and mistreated, and that hearing from him was not good for me. He said he was sorry to hear that, and that he wouldn't contact me again. I said see you at SalsaCraze. And that was the end of that.

    Since then, things have been pretty ...

    I almost forgot.

    I came down with Bell's Palsy on April 1st. Click Here for more information. THAT's a trip and a half to deal with. Talk about avoiding photos... Not to mention that I met Eric's mom and cousin Monica (who wanted to be my favorite cousin) that Friday at SalsaCraze. When I was dressed as a pirate. To cover the idea that I had to wear an eye patch. Good times, right? For months (and I'm still dealing with it) I'd be SO self-conscious about it that I hated photos... and I had to take yearbook photos with all my clubs before the semester was out. Not fun to see when half your face is dead.

    It's gotten SO much better now! I look 95% normal in all my photos, and I'm carrying my camera around again. I will look almost normal when everyone gets back in August/Sesptember! I can't wait to see everyone and smile symmetrically. I just don't have the heart to tell Eric he caused it in the first place. Not sure his guilty conscience could take it.

    As I was saying before, everything else is pretty chill. I'm doing grad school research and should be studying for the GRE. My parents and I went to Orlando and Texas on vacation. Melissa's wedding was BEAUTIFUL!!! I had SUCH a great time with my family up there in Texas... It was so relaxing; it was just what I needed. My face even got better in leaps and bounds while I was gone. I needed that time to heal and decompress; it felt so good. I'm glad to be back to my bed and my routine, but I'm definitely much less stressed out by all of it.

    Just this past week, I went to RA for dinner with Danielle B., Deli Lane and Sunset for dinner and Gameworks with Susy and her friends Mellyssa and Mike, and Applebee's and Dolphin Mall for a Girls' Nite dinner and a movie thing with Marta, Lindsey (la PRIMA!! lol), Kendra, and Marta's friend Adriana. On Friday I went with my parents and grandmother to Miami Beach to visit a family friend from New Jersey. I have plans tonight too... And all of this while I'm sick! I have got to get over this cold... lol

    Breaking News! Lindsey Calle and I are cousins!! hahaha somewhere down the family tree, our families married... our parents knew each other in New Jersey when they were all kids... I don't even know the connections... We found this out at Heidi's baby shower last Saturday... Our moms sat together and began to reminisce, and the whole family tree came out! I was shocked... Some people were just meant to be friends :-)

    That's all I have for right now... Maybe I'll update later with the list of grad schools I'm applying to :-)

    Current Mood: relaxed
    Current Music: Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feelin'
    Thursday, March 5th, 2009
    9:54 am
    I only have 3 words to say to you. How could you?

    How could you make out with me like that on Thursday knowing what was on your mind?!?!

    How could you flirt with other girls?? Aren’t most of them your friends?! Who have friend zoned you?! What the FUCK, Eric??

    How could you kiss me all those days, how could you give me at least that little bit of hope that we could work this out??

    How could you do this to me?!?! I was there for you when you were sick. I took you to Ociel’s gravesite with me. Is this how you repay me?!?! Is this how you repay me when I invested so much in you, my plans, body, time, heart, EVERYTHING?? What kind of thanks is this?!?!

    How the HELL could you get the BALLS to even be NEAR me all that time?! All that time, I kept being your girlfriend, kept my hope that what was bugging you was just a phase, something temporary, that we would come out just fine in the end. Goddamnit Eric, just come out with it! If something is bugging you, tell me damnit! No, you had to hold on for a week and a half. You had to let it fester and grow inside you, instead of giving me the chance of putting you at ease. I may have won you back if you had just let me in.

    Maybe I should have spoken up sooner. Would it have changed anything? Am I glad to be on this side of things? Absolutely not. This SUCKS ASS. WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!?!?!

    And you’re HAPPIER on this side of things?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DROVE YOU TO TELL ME THAT?!?! You couldn’t even mope around a bit, like I did? No, of course not. You had an extra week and a half to get over it. You didn’t even miss me. What, now I’m like Kate? Is that what you’ll tell your next girl? That I was just another Kate, another girl you didn’t miss when you went home?

    You just threw me away, like I hadn’t even affected you. Like I didn’t even matter. Yeah you cried that night. And I actually felt hurt for you. I actually hugged you back, and wiped your tears away. How could you do this to me? You were supposed to be my godsend… How could you even dare to touch my shoulder, to pull me close to you, when you were so clearly stabbing me in the face? Not even in the back, because I saw something like this coming a mile away. No, you were stabbing me in the face. And I kept pulling back every time you reached out to touch me. And you kept coming closer. I didn’t resist a second time, because I was hoping this was all a lie, just a bad dream. This can’t be real, he can’t be leaving me… we’re so happy together. We lift each other up. We make each other happy. This is so out of the blue…

    You’re SO LUCKY I have work to do or I would have so much to say to you. I’m still debating giving this to you, though I know I won’t. I think I’ll print it out and burn it, and not save the file. Or I’ll post it in my journal. Who knows. All I know is that I’m SO ANGRY AT YOU, that I want to do anything I can to get to you, to show you what you did to me, because I know that would hurt more than any physical pain I could inflict.

    I hope you’re happy now that you’ve read this. I’m in pieces, recovering from the worst breakup yet (which may or may not be an exaggeration, I’m not the most unbiased person right now), and I have way too much to do to even think about curling up and falling apart in private. Shit, I don’t even have a place to do that, because the suite is always occupied.

    Fuck you, Eric. You don’t deserve me, and I deserve better than what you did to me.

    Current Mood: angry
    Friday, December 12th, 2008
    3:08 pm
    Edward's out, who's in?
    Hahaha wow... It's been too long.

    Waldo was my date to Mallard Ball, and everything about that has been settled or is about to be settled.

    I finally came to the realization that God was answering my prayers all along. Every night, I prayed for my Edward. And Waldo showed up. See, that's the thing. Waldo IS my Edward. That's what God was trying to tell me, with the inside joke we had and all the signs he was giving me. Waldo IS Edward for me. He's the tall, thin, beautiful older-than-his-age man who could love me up and down the block in so many ways. But he's also the incessantly anxious and guilty not-on-the-same-page just-for-the-thrills no-strings-attached person that imitates the negative qualities that Edward displays now and then. So God was answering my prayer all along, sending me my Edward. And now, I don't want him. I thought he was perfect for me, and half of him his, but the other half of him needs someone other than me. And I don't want him.

    So I've stopped praying for my Edward every night. I still pray every night, but I don't ask for Edward anymore. Instead, I ask for my husband. I'm tired of playing games, of heartbreak at the end of something beautiful, like a portcullis at the end of the tunnel, the light shining beyond the barrier almost mocking me, taunting me. I'm done with that. I don't want another heartbreak. So I just want him. And wouldn't you know it...

    ...As soon a I changed my attitude, I met Eric at SalsaCraze. We've spent hours upon hours talking already. That Friday night, we spent at least 2 hours just talking (dancing at the party, and then just hanging out by my car). We talked over the weekend on AIM for extended periods of time (I think? lol) and then we spontaneously met up for coffee on Monday (was it Tuesday? I don't remember). Four hours later (it didn't feel like 4 hours), my mother calls, thoroughly upset because it's so late at night (9:15... puh-leez). So I had to leave, but I didn't want to go. We didn't see each other Wednesday, but we talked on AIM again. And last night we hung out in his dorm and went out on a dinner date to Cafe Blú by Sunset Place. The food was delicious and the times were fun, it was so great! He kissed me before I went home for the night :-)

    I like this guy, and time flies by when I'm with him. We never run out of things to talk about. I just still want to be careful. For one, I'm getting a lot of negative energy from my mom, and that's really bringing me down. As usual. But for another, I don't want to rush into anything. I mean, I only really got to meet him on Friday, so we've only hung out for like a week. We obviously like each other, but it's right before winter break. What's going to happen over break? Who knows? Maybe one of us will rethink things. Maybe we won't. If he still wants me in January, then we'll talk.

    Current Mood: loved
    Current Music: Christmas music courtesy of Pandora
    Monday, October 27th, 2008
    10:48 pm
    I have a lot of soul-searching to do. But who has time to do that these days?

    Current Mood: busy
    Current Music: PANIC - There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered
    Monday, October 13th, 2008
    3:07 pm
    Spring 09
    I only have to take 12 credits next semester! :-D

    This is where it stands so far:

    MGT304C MWF 10:10-11:00 (Business Minor)
    MTC125D MWF 11:15-12:05 (Honors)
    PSY440HJ MW 3:35-4:50 (Psych Major)
    PHI101O TR 9:30-10:45 (Honors)

    And I would work:

    Mondays 12:30-3:30 (3 hours)
    Tuesdays 11:00-5:00 (6 hours)
    Wednesdays 12:30-3:30 (3 hours)
    Thursdays 11:00-5:00 (6 hours)
    Fridays 12:30-5:00 (4.5 hours)

    for a total of 22.5 hours, my requirement. I love my schedule for next semester!!! *Knocks on wood* I already went to UASP and picked up a Course Request form, which is already filled out and tacked to my bulletin board.


    Registration doesn't start until November 10th. I'm already a month ahead. So while everyone else is flipping out about classes, I'm ready to do mine. And I can sign up online when my registration appointment comes around because I have enough credits. Next semester is mine!!!

    Current Mood: happy
    Current Music: Ok Go - Here It Goes Again
    Saturday, October 11th, 2008
    12:23 pm
    Feeling Better
    I'm doing a lot better now that I've started helping myself out a bit. I'm making sure I don't put as much anxiety on myself for the things that don't deserve it, and I'm treating myself between study sessions. I've started reading a chapter of Twilight in between textbook chapters. It's reallly helped me stay focused and feel a lot better about what I've been getting done.

    Current Mood: happy
    Current Music: PANIC! at the Disco - Camisado
    Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
    9:35 am
    I haven't sat and done nothing in a long time, and I feel it taking its toll on me. I feel myself getting to where I was last semester before I had the panic attack, and I don't want that to happen again. I felt like I was going crazy, felt disoriented, my heart was beating, my breaths were coming shallow and fast... I feel the tension mounting in myself little by little every day, and I'm scared it will get to that level again. I need to catch up in my readings so I can sit back and do nothing at some point. Why is school so hard on me? It's getting to be way too much.

    PANIC! at the Disco - Camisado )

    Current Mood: busy
    Current Music: panic at the disco - camisado
    Saturday, September 6th, 2008
    1:03 am
    So, I've read all of Twilight. Yes, even Midnight Sun. And I gotta say... I've been praying for my Edward every night since I started reading it. Every single night.

    I'm not depressed, thinking "Woe is me! I am alone!" I'm merely thinking about my Edward. I miss him. Can you miss someone you've never had? Or have I had him? Is that why I miss him, whoever he may be? Have I seen him? Did I dream of him? Do I know him? Did I know him? I feel like I miss "him", "the" him, but how can I miss him if I've never had him? Do I miss him because I know I'll have him?

    I know I dwell on this a lot, but I'm not depressed about it right now. I'm just thinking about it, as if thinking about it will bring me closer to him, pull him closer to me.

    Madhatter33076 (12:36:35 AM): here look, i'm only going to say this once, and never again: if you keep dwelling on this, you're going to end up on me trying for things you can't have

    I made that mistake already with Dave, and I don't plan on doing that again. I made another mistake with Luis and I don't plan on doing THAT again. I made another mistake with Jon and that's DEFINITELY not happening again. I'm not settling anymore. I refuse to settle. I have to be more careful, selective. I'm going to have to start believing this thing guys keep telling me, that they're not in my league. What is my league? Where is MY Edward? Why haven't I found him yet? Bella has Edward. Rachel has Trevor. Beula has JJ. Mari has Mike. Ashley has Dan. What am I doing wrong? Am I doing anything wrong? It doesn't seem so...

    I met Peter Su today at the Food Court. 26-year-old graduate student, Chinese heritage, lives in Vegas. He gave me his number. 3-day rule? Do I not talk to him til Monday? Should I talk to him? I have to ask around. Where's Laura when you need her?! lol

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: The Academy Is... - Attention
    Friday, August 22nd, 2008
    10:47 am
    Ta Da!
    Okay, so it's been forever and a day (or two) since I last posted, and I'm sorry about that. But here's the latest low-down.

    I'VE LOST 15 POUNDS!!! Thank you, WeightWatchers! I can hardly believe it myself, but my pants are so big on me, I don't even have to undo the fly (not even the top button!) to pull them down. Time to go shopping! Best to wait for the next billing cycle on my credit card though... lol!

    I GOT THE JOB!!! Thank God in heaven I got the job! I'm updating from my office right now, actually. I've got some supplies here, mostly snacks, some dishes, some water, my mom found a mini fridge at Target yesterday... basically if I ever needed to be safe in a hurricane, I could just hunker down in here and survive for quite a while lol... Thank God for Crystal and Heidi and Dr. La Greca. Also, my co-worker, Kirsten, is a sweetheart, and I'm so glad she's around. It's kind of weird, having a couple of newbies taking over a big job like this, but I'm glad that we did, because I think we make a great team. I think it might be taking her a little while longer to grasp the system, but she's catching on nicely and it's going really well.

    School starts on Wednesday... Wednesday, bloody Wednesday... I only say that because I'm both excited and scared. I want to get back into it, I can't wait to get back into school. But I'm scared that I might overload myself again, just like last year. At the same time, there's so much down time at work that I can use it wisely and I'll be fine, I'm pretty sure. I'm not really sure what I'm scared about honestly. I'm not scared that I'm entering my junior year. I'm not scared that I'm getting back into the swing of things. I'm not scared that I'm going to be spending less time at home again. I'm not scared of any of that at all, but I'm still a little scared. I think I'm mostly scared that I'm not going to get the class I want in the section I want it. I guess I'm a little scared that I switched the wrong classes from my senior year to my junior year. Maybe I'm scared that I won't get all my textbooks new like I like to since I'm waiting til I actually get into class (all my classes) to figure out what I need. I guess I'm just plain scared. I really don't know. I just can't put my finger on it. Maybe I should talk to my mom about it. (God, never thought I'd see the day when I said that again!)

    Maybe I'm just anxious, instead of eager, to get started. Most likely I'm axious with an eager edge. Definitely not eager with an anxious edge, definitely more anxious than eager. I'd say 58% anxious, 20% eager, 12% indifferent, used to it. Odd, I'm usually more excited for this. I don't know what's different.

    Looking at the mood list, maybe I am intimidated. It just kind of snuck up on me... last Wednesday I was sitting at my desk thinking, "Oh my god, I start school in two weeks... and I'm not ready!" Usually by now I have my classes settled, my books purchased through Amazon and sitting in order on my desk, my folders organized and labeled, and my computer packed and ready to go. But I'm just scared... and I really can't put my finger on it.

    Current Mood: intimidated
    Current Music: Weezer - Island in the Sun
    Thursday, July 10th, 2008
    11:15 pm
    I'm worried. I don't really know how else to say it, and I just hate the waiting game. A good bit of my next two years hangs in the balance here. If I get the job, I am set for the next two years. If I don't, I gotta SCRAMBLE for something, perhaps with Dr. Quittner. And probably for not as much pay. And I don't know if I can really afford that.

    But Good Things Are Going to Happen!!! I have the job in the bag. If what Heidi told me is true, it's so mine. The other interviews are just a formality. I feel sorry for them, going through all the trouble for no good reason. It's just like Manny always told me, "It's not always what you know, but who you know." Thank God that's been paying off really, really well recently.

    Please, God... make this happen. You have no idea (well, obviously you do lol) how this job will benefit me. And THANK YOU for the side job I just got with Dr. Quittner. I could not be in this place in my life if it were not for You. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. Please help me keep my sanity over the next week. Amen.

    Current Mood: intimidated
    Current Music: Lit - My Own Worst Enemy
    8:08 pm
    Interview = Smash Hit!
    So I did my interview today, nervous as all hell. But it went really well... she told me I was the "ideal candidate" for that position, but that the University requires her to interview a few more people. She also said that she would let me know when the decision is made. So hopefully, in about a week's time, I'll know for sure whether the position is mine.

    Wish me luck! Keep crossing your fingers and praying for me...

    Also, all the prayers so far have been working miraculously! Dr. Quittner asked for extra help with transcribing because we have to get a buttload of tapes done as soon as we can. It turns out that during the lab meeting, Melissa immediately thought of me and brought it up to Dr. Quittner afterwards. Dr. Q was all for it, so I told Melissa the rest of my summer schedule and she and Laura talked to Dr. Quittner about it... and I was hired as a "Consultant" under the grant! I make $12/hour to transcribe tapes... and right now, I can do them at home. This is GREAT! It's extra money on the side, and I can extend it into the school year for the tapes that nobody in the lab can translate from ASL. Basically, this has "extra money" written all over it, and I can totally take care of it. It's going to be a transcription-filled summer, but for $12/hour, I'll do it!

    On top of all this, Heidi told me that Crystal hadn't, as best as she knew, interviewed anyone else in her office. John hadn't met any of the other candidates either.

    THANK YOU HEIDI AND CRYSTAL AND MELISSA!!! I have GOT to find some thank you cards for these people. I canNOT believe all the amazing opportunities that have come to me recently. It's mindboggling.

    Current Mood: anxious
    Current Music: Transcribing... yay... *sarcasm*
    Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
    10:46 am
    JCCP Worries
    It scares me a bit that soon I may have to give my two weeks' notice to Dr. Quittner. This lab has been an excellent investment of my time, but I am worried about my research experience in years to come if I work only for Dr. LaGreca. I am excited about the position and the pay, and the fact that I will always have hours, but I am not excited about leaving this lab. I looked up Dr. LaGreca on the website earlier this morning and found that she has some research interests that closely match my own. What if I never come back to Dr. Quittner's lab? I suppose it can't be all that bad, but what will I tell her if I decide to do my honor's thesis with Dr. LaGreca instead? The good news is, I have a year to decide on that, so that's some sort of comfort. I don't know... I guess I'm just scared to say goodbye to the lab that launched my career...

    Haha look at me, talking about launching careers so early on... but it's true... It all started here. But where will it go?

    Current Mood: scared
    Current Music: Avril Lavigne - How Does It Feel
    Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
    11:45 pm
    So, I had an interview yesterday with John, the guy I'd be working with, and Crystal, whose position I'm taking. It went well... Crystal asked me today if I was available Thursday at 3pm for an interview with Dr. LaGreca herself. I'm excited and just a little nervous... I have to go dressed in business casual clothing and basically wing it, because I've never had a formal job interview before. But I'm excited!! This could very well be the best job on campus for me... but I don't know just yet... But from what I've heard, I'm the only (if not one of very few) applicant (so far at least), so I'm hopeful. I have everyone I know praying for that job. If you read this, say a little prayer for me!

    Current Mood: hopeful
    Current Music: Chris Brown - Forever
    Monday, July 7th, 2008
    10:57 pm
    thank you rach :-)
    I would do well to remember the lyrics to a song Rachel just dedicated to me on FaceBook.

    Nick Lachey - Beautiful )

    Thank you so much, Rach. I really like this song... funny how it's so true :-) What would I do without friends like you? lol

    Current Mood: loved
    Current Music: Nick Lachey - Beautiful
    Sunday, July 6th, 2008
    11:36 pm
    a dream
    I dreamt about JB last night and it's been bugging me all day.

    the dream )

    I miss that. I miss him. I miss it. There's so much that I miss and it comes back to bite me in the ass so often. I know he's at FIU. I still know his number and I can still call him. Would it be the same? There's no way in hell it would. It would be so different. Do I have the balls to go back to him and leave or upset my family? Unfortunately, no. I don't have the balls or the means to do it. If they take away their support, I will have nothing and there is no way I can make it myself. Do I still love him? I don't know. I've tried answering the question either way, but I'm uneasy no matter which way I go. So I can say honestly only that I don't know if I still love him, if I would love him, if I could love him again. What we had was pure, unadulterated, God-blessed love and I know it. My parents don't know what they did to me on April 6, 2005 when they made me break up with him. They don't know, they have no clue, no idea. I wonder if we really will meet on April 6, 2015. I wonder if he even remembers. I wonder if he's forgotten, if he's okay, if he's moved on, had other girls like I've had other guys. I've wondered if he's been happy with them, with himself, or if he's struggling, like me, with a bad self-image and finding new love. Who wouldn't, I guess, if they were in my shoes? But I really wish it hadn't been this way. There would be a lot less emotional pain in this world.

    Current Mood: crushed
    Sunday, June 29th, 2008
    12:59 am
    Weight Watchers
    So I started Weight Watchers on Monday, and I'm excited. I've been keeping to my points and whatnot, pretty much enjoying what I eat and making better choices, and I feel great. The first few days it was a bit tough because I was hungry between meals, but recently it's been getting a lot better. I'm not hungry between meals anymore; I'm making better choices, eating less and choosing well. I will weigh myself on Monday morning and see how the first week treated me. I started out weighing 170 after a huge meal at Manny's on Sunday night. Monday morning I weighed 165, so I took that as my starting weight. I want to lose 30 pounds by my 21st birthday, and be down to 135. They say the first goal is 10% of your body weight, so I think I'll celebrate and treat myself once I've lost 16 or 17 pounds, when I'm down to 148 or 149. Wish me luck!

    In other news, I may not be in Q-Lab much longer. I am going to apply for a job with the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, working under Dr. LaGreca. My office (yes, I get my own office!!!) is on the same floor, one hallway down, and face-to-face with Dave and Carolyn's office, but my everyday duties won't be in Q-Lab anymore. On Thursday I was the last one in the lab, so I got to close up shop for the day. It was kind of sad for me, feeling like I was taking my last looks at the lab, just the lab, as it is in itself. I'm still in PRIME so I have to keep coming back for like four more weeks, but for some odd reason I can't help but feel that my days there are numbered, and I know exactly when it's going to end. There will be a transition period when I will be training for the new job after working in Q-Lab, but after we get back from the beach, my duties in Q-Lab will be over. I don't really know how to explain it. I want to stay on as a volunteer, but once the semester starts I'm not sure I'll have much time at all. It looks tough. But I have to get the job first, of course.

    The new job requires 22.5 hrs/wk. I'm also currently signed up for 15 credits, but I think I'm going to drop Human Sexual Behavior because it's not required, which leaves me at 12 credits. Sadly, I may have to drop Japanese as well in favor of Abnormal Psychology, an exchange I'm not sure I'm willing to make, but situations have forced me to do so. In my senior year, I want to do an honors thesis, which is 3 credits in the Fall and 3 in the Spring. So other than that, I just have to maintain full-time status. I have to take 2 honors classes this Spring that have nothing to do with my major so I can graduate with general honors on top of the departmental honors I'll get from the honors thesis. I've heard honors theses can be pretty intense, so I'm trying to take 12 credits in my senior year instead of the originally planned 15. Which is why I'm in my current quandrary, trying desperately to get enough honors credits and the right psych classes for what I want to do with my life.

    Speaking of my life, I've pretty much decided I want to go into clinical psychology. Or is it counseling psychology? I know I don't want to work in the school system. I want my own practice, but I still want to teach, hopefully at UM. I have to look into it a little more. In my room, I have a "Careers in Psychology" book I think. Or is it "Is Pychology the Best Major For You"? I can't remember. All I know is what I want to do. What it's called is irrelevant to me.

    On the note of GusGus: My computer is on its way out. Poor thing, this is the fourth time I'll have to send it in for repairs, so hopefully I can get a new one. I'm looking into a pink Dell, but Best Buy is giving me problems, recommending a different one that doesn't come in pink because it has more memory. I really don't need more than 160 gigs. I've had GusGus for 2 years and got nowhere NEAR using that much, even with all my music and pictures. And besides, I have an external hard drive. Duh. Whatever. The Creepazoid didn't have a clue what he was talking about or how to talk to customers. Freaky.

    That's pretty much my life right now... It's almost a quarter past one so I think I'll be going to bed now. Doing pictures back up for mom on her new computer is actually a slow, arduous process that will have you bleeding from the toes because it's so boring. Yes. Bleeding from the toes.

    Oh, before I forget. I don't remember if I wrote this earlier, but the last time I saw Dave I told him I was attracted to him. And he sighed, put his arm around me, and said, "Oh Marta, I enjoy being your friend." And I took it then with a smile, said ok, have a great summer, and that was the last time I saw him. Just recently, this past Tuesday in fact, I was watching So You Think You Can Dance when this guy came on who reminds me SO MUCH of Dave it's ridiculous. His name is Mark and he's a contemporary dancer. (Note: Dave HATES contemporary. He told me so himself when I told him I was thinking of him because of the guy on the show.) Anyway, he and his partner (Chelsea?) did a hip hop routine to Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis. (Note: Can you BELIEVE that Jesse McCartney wrote that song?!?! Wild! Shame he can't sing it for beans... lol!) It was MOVING. I must have rewound that one part of the show 15 times to watch that routine over and over again. If Dave danced contemporary or hip hop, I swear that's what he would look like. And once I saw that clip, again, and again, and again, it reminded me so much of him, and I actually missed him for the first time. I guess it was at that moment I actually felt his rejection... I'm not even 100% sure, but I do know that watching it made me a little sad, and I couldn't help but wonder why on earth he didn't want me? I don't know. I didn't let it get me down too much, because you know, I wasn't head over heels in love with him. But he is attractive, sweet, funny, and a great dancer... all sorts of good things. So I missed him. And I wish he hadn't rejected me. I can be a good girlfriend, honest.

    Take care, and watch your toes!


    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
    Friday, June 13th, 2008
    9:43 pm
    Going through a phase...
    I attribute a lot of my depression tonight to hormones, but I know I can't do that forever. See the following conversation with Ish.

    fateful )

    Yes, there is lots of work to do on me. Damn the counseling center for not being free if you're not taking classes over the summer. Sometimes things like this can't wait, but in this case, they have to. And I can't stand it. I gotta get over these thoughts, but I feel like I'm in too deep to extract myself. I'm both excited and nervous about seeing a therapist. I mean, I'm going to be spilling my deepest secrets to a total stranger. That's both good and bad. Who are they going to tell? But why should I trust them? How can I trust them? Will I cry in the first session? I feel like crying just thinking about everything I could tell them during that first session. So what? I don't think it matters. But will I trust them that much so soon? I don't know... there are so many variables. I know I'm going to do it, I just wish I could do it now.

    Current Mood: sad
    Current Music: Low Millions - Eleanor
    Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
    7:48 pm
    Gotta have this job
    Forehead slapping moment: the 3rd floor was looking for someone to fill the desk position for the summer and never thought to look for me. Now there's some crappy work-study loser sitting where I should be. And we don't even know if he'll be there for the fall. He's got to go. I must have that job. I need a job in the psych department in the fall, and this is my ticket in. This job is mine.

    Current Mood: determined
    Current Music: Rihanna - Shut Up and Drive
    Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
    10:48 pm
    Just checking in.
    I tried to update yesterday, and I had a pretty lengthy and bitter post, but it got deleted and I didn't control-x it like I usually do, so it's lost. Oh well... who wants to look back on bitterness anyway? lol

    But I do realize that in general I'm starting to go more and more for that professional help thing. I have a few issues to work out, not least of which is my intense personality and body image issues. By intense personality, I mean that when I'm up, I'm really up, and when I'm down, I'm really down, but not in a manic-depressive kind of way. I don't even realize sometimes that I'm getting so worked up one way or another until I look back on it, and that bothers me. How can I better behave myself? Also, snide little thoughts about myself and others just crawl into my mind sometimes before I have a chance to filter them out in my subconsciousness. If I remember correctly, it's the superego that's not doing its job properly here. Silly superego. Slacking is for sissies. And the ego. I think. Help me out here, Ish... lol

    Anyway, I went to the counseling center and they told me I would have to pay $60-90 or wait til fall. I'll wait til fall. I have no spare change of my own. That sucks. And I really wanted to get started.

    Also, I don't know if I'm just being paranoid, but I feel like Ish has been skirting me on the phone a little bit. I talked to him for just a minute I think earlier today or yesterday, and he said he had to go but didn't really offer an explanation, which is weird. And he didn't sound happy. He hasn't really been retuning my texts or FB messages either. I hope all is going well with him, and between us. I hope nothing's wrong.

    I woke up smiling today for the first time in a LONG time. I can't even remember the last time I woke up smiling... but I don't remember any particularly good dreams... I think I remember a snippet of a making-out-with-some-hott-guy-I-made-up-in-my-dream dream... but I don't know. That may be fabricated. Idunno... it's just weird. I woke up thinking "Good things are going to happen" for the first time ever... Weird lol...

    Well, here's hoping everying turns out okay. Good things are going to happen.

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: Kate Voegele - Hallelujah
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