[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Monday, September 12th, 2005|
People turn up ....
So today, I'm sat updating my laptop - I have msn messenger on, and who should turn up on my screen but the anonymous man who bought me the world. I was in shock - this man sent me this very laptop, a printer scanner copier, £500 amazon gift vouchers weekly and on Christmas, my birthday and New Year's Eve, Cacharel boots, earl jeans, sneakers, clothing, coats, mobile/cell phones, make up, books, cds, god everything I could have needed. Parcels arrived everyday!
So we sat and talked on msn all night. He tells me he isn't in the best financial position right now but wants to spend £150 on me a day. It was so good to talk to him again, I found out he had moved house recently.
More news - I received an email from a landlord today offering me an apartment in E1 London. Cable Street. 17th floor. Overlooking east London. I felt like I was in heaven. So OK, it's in a local authority block, which in East London can sometimes be tricky, but I'll make it my own. I love that area and it's perfect for graffiti. Guy already said he would buy me things for my apartment - he asked me to send him a list. I feel happy. Now I need to tell Yaz, maybe try and ask him to apply for a visa, or at least come over on a visitors visa so we can get him to my solicitor in London. We'll see. He hasn't called me in 2 days, but perhaps he cannot get through. I'll call him today, later on, when I get home from shopping.
I'm running out of perfume. Issey Miyake is finished. Burberry Brit is really low. Givenchy So? is the fullest.
Today I'm going to be wearing Armani black long sleeved tie at the side top, Guess jeans, gucci low heel monogram open toes with matching gucci monogram bag with charms and my pink burberry flatcap, with either black gucci summer sunglasses or pink chanel with the chanel logos in diamantes on the side of each lense.
I've lost my blue dior sunglasses somewhere, I need to look in my bedroom back in the USA. They better be in there.
Saffy is purring on the rug.
It has been a good sunday. I'm starting to think about Christmas already.
Need to get the loot advert sorted out. There are so many girls working now but always a demand for more.
3 new websites going up within the next week. God. How will I cope. Need to arrange the content. It is a nightmare sometimes, but worth it.
Missed the East Enders omnibus today. Wasn't good.
Need to contact J.
So much to do ... and still no word from Dan, not even an email. Nevermind.
|Sunday, September 11th, 2005|
I miss making out. Yaz and I never make out, there's too much tension. You should never mix business with pleasure. Never. Sometimes at night I lay close to him and run my hands over his body. Every inch of him is pure muscle. He makes me feel safe, even after the incident the other week, all those scars on his body from fights, the gang tattoos, the bullet wounds and scars, the slices and scars from knives. I've never heard of him losing a fight, but he is getting older, and one day he will. When I was in Philly on business it was hard to sleep without him, I lay there feeling blank and almost in tears - all this emotion - for someone I really don't like. Maybe I love? Everyone I have ever met connected to him is scared of him, - he's mentioned in a book about the bloods and crips ... so why am I not the slightest bit afraid of him ... deep down I should be, I'm sure of it. But it's impossible. I'm not scared of anyone and it worries me - I sometimes feel apprehensive, but never nervous or scared.
He told me he doesn't understand what I see in him, and I don't know either. Maybe we have a convenient relationship ... both needing each other for different reasons. He said he wants to marry me - but what for? An OG Gangster and a little english girl. It doesn't make sense - or perhaps it's the perfect combination - we both have criminal minds but different agendas and aims. I don't know what on earth to do - to leave him is perhaps the easy option right now, but undoubtedly I would want him back.
I'd miss laying on his big muscular black chest, having his arms wrapped around me as I sleep, his protectiveness, the way he worries for me, his proudness when he introduces me to people, the way he picks me up and moves me around as if I were a doll.
I'm missing east London ... I'm missing the boxing... the kebabs... Herbal .... Camden Underworld ... drum and bass ... jungle ... Kool FM ... getting drunk on champagne and wandering back through the rain soaked streets feeling warm and happy and anticipating a warm bed at home. Cities at night are so sexy, so beautiful, London at night is just perfect. I remember standing on Hampstead Heath looking at the city, imagining all those people, all those people just living their lives, it's hard to imagine but I like to try to ... sometimes looking over London makes me cry, all those people I've lost, never really knowing what is coming next, wondering if I'll ever be settled and happy again. This Christmas has to be special. The past 3 years have been so hard, such a test. I need to get hold on a new safe when I get back to the USA. It's going to be for Christmas money only. I need to buy my ticket home for Christmas as soon as I get into NYC next week. I'm not taking any chances of being stuck in New Jersey Hell this Christmas. Yaz has his family there, I don't.
This journal is my only therapy ... its the only place I can put down how I feel and what is going on. I'd hate to go and see a therapist ... that'd really be admitting to the world I have genuine problems. I prefer to handle things myself, it makes me stronger. Dan said I was "the strongest person he'd ever met" ... it meant a lot to hear that, he's the only one I've ever been able to talk to about everything ... that day when he asked me to be his girlfriend felt so good, I felt wanted and loved and happy ... but for some reason I told him I could not do it. I called him the other day before coming back to the London .. a girl answered his phone, sounded kinda pissed that I'd called, but he sounded happy ... really relieved to hear from me ... we haven't spoken since I've been home, but just hearing him talk felt good ... he's amazing ... just this amazing person. We watched Man City once, ate dinner, argued because he lectured me and told me some home truths, and then I lay in his lap in the car and cried. I haven't cried since then. That was a year ago. Well, almost.
Who would have thought ...
The internet must be taking over ... because even I now have an online journal. Maybe just so I can keep my thoughts straight, its not a good feeling to be writing for a potential audience. With three days left in the UK I feel unhappy and unnerved. Having been advised by my lawyer to keep all drugs .. narcotics .. out of my body in case they decide to test me I feel as if everyone on that side is expecting trouble.
With only 8 girls currently working in Jersey City, I'm relying on London, NYC and Atlanta for my main income over the next few months. Saying that ... Jersey City needs a new location and new advertising by October the 1st as do all 3 London locations. The new site is going up in a few weeks. But still, with everything more or less on track I feel like my head is going to explode and things are making me snap. I haven't had time to focus on artwork ... maybe graffiti isnt strictly art work to the masses but its the only thing that keeps me sane, cant wait to go down onto canel st in ny and pick up some new paint if they let me back into the country HAHA. Business is good but it feels bad.
Yaz and his daughter situation really distubs me, it shouldn't but it does, its the way that he just sits back and lets me do all the work when she stays at weekends. I know he smokes coke sometimes, but I think whilst I'm out he does a lot more. He seems as if he is half on and half off this planet. He only really functions when he is high, otherwise he seems to just cruise along. Anyhow, he seemed please to hear from me the other day, told me he didnt think I was coming back .... I'm feeling murderous about the whole situation in the house ... Debbie, Tony, Harry, Jeremy ... and Yaz. Maybe it's time for me to just leave them all be and step out of the place. At 20 I feel a lot older than I am.
Yaz's whole gang affiliation is also starting to get to me ... I wasn't aware there were crips in New Jersey, and if there are they aren't doing a single thing for his income. I wish he would go back to selling drugs. Right now I have to pay for everything, apart from half of the rent. He has no idea. No idea. To actually be at the point where I want to physically hurt him cannot be good. But ... from a protection perspective he is the one to have around.
I want to move back to London. That's the bottom line. But until everything connected with business is 100% set in place I cannot just up and leave. I don't even know if Yaz would leave with me, he has his daughter in the USA, -- she comes above everyone. Even I get thrown to the bottom of the pile when she is around - so I've learnt to just ignore him. I'm not sure I even like him ... in fact I don't.
He claims to love me because it is convenient to - I have money, businesses and a brain, that's what he needs for now. Once he gets into my bank account and on the good side of my family he will be set. But it isn't going to get to that. After 2 weeks back in the USA I'll move to Newark or over to NYC ... take my dog, my clothes, my belongings and live quitely in an area where no one is going to bother me. It'll give me the chance to relax and handle business.
It feels horrible. But I feel pretty heartless right now, I'm sick of having a heart and trying to help people, they all say they'll change and then do the same all over again. There's really no point in trying to help anyone in New Jersey.
Gails belongings are getting burned when I get back there. Frank owes both myself and Yaz money - maybe we just leant it to him with the subconcious knowledge he couldn't pay it back .. maybe we both just want the opportunity to hurt him and get rid of our frustrations. It'd be a good example. Anthony was the first example - but not the best, Yaz went stupid and stopped because his daughter was upstairs. Tony owes Yaz $150 - but, I don't know, Tony isn't the sort of person I dislike, he's a junkie and thief but he has a good heart. Maybe that can just be taken off the rent. It's hilarious how the landlord can owe us rent.
At 20 years old I'm doing something right.
From having my knee fractured I'm having some pain. It's been over a year now in fact over 2, but its starting to hurt when I wear heels, especially the Gucci gold heel stilettos - but I think I've worn the heel crooked on one side.
I need new suits ... Dolce look amazing this season. I need the Dior snowboots.
I love wearing black. Like everyday is a funeral lol ... maybe it makes me feel strong.
Robert left me a message on my phone - he's the mafia connected guy who owns the restaurant in the wall street area of NYC. I remember the day he sent the car for me - all the way to Somerset NJ, we sat and drank champagne in the back, discussed business, went to his restaurant and sat and ate with film directors I had never thought I would come acoss in a million years. Sometimes those people don't seem real, you never expect to see them because it is almost as if they don't exist. He says he can solve my problems with immigration - and I believe him. He seems to host all the mayor's functions and parties. If Quentin Tarrantino loves him - why shouldn't I?
My lawyer irritates me more and more every day. I have a deep hate for him, and loathe talking to him everyday, sometimes I let my cell phone messages fill up just so he cannot leave me a message.
I want a beautiful Jamaican man again - or at least with Carribean roots - preferably from London, though NYC might work. That was when I was happiest. I used to glow.
I need to go to sleep, but it's 4am so I may aswell stay awake. Being at my parents Cheshire home helps clear my head, not having to do a single thing for myself always helps. It's amazing how the every day tasks of cooking and going to work can exhaust you. My life is going to be so perfect when everything starts to run smoothly.
I wonder why I never get addicted to drugs.
That house is going to get shaken up when I get back there. I'm not having all the stupidity any longer from adults that should know better. Maybe I want a real pretty boy this time around - instead of some fighting male build like a pitbull .... I remember Pablo's cousin Tim in Jersey City, stuck in the projects, he was fucking beautiful, this model male with a street edge. Pablo Muniz - the weirdest guy I have ever met, compulsive liar and mind like a teenager, no aspirations to do anything other than lie. Haha driving through time's square with no brakes, and all along the west side highway with Joey his brother, now he was a model, I remember seeing him on the cover of a magazine, said he loved me, can't find his number. Wish I could because he'd hold me and bring me down to earth. He was a freak. Had a shoe fetish, liked me to walk on him in my heels in bed -crazy - 22 - fucking beautiful - the perfect body, a pierced tongue and the perfect smile. Dressed perfectly. Gave me a foot massage the first day we met, sucked my toes. It's funny what you remember.
Cannot wait to see Diane at Valentino.
Need to see Gotti when I get back home, that's going to be a performance and a half. He's hard to say no to, but you have to, once you say yes to him it's all over. I wonder what Shenille did that was so bad he has dissapeared off to Florida. I cannot imagine him doing anything that bad.
Boogie is probably in the basement - he is such a nightmare. His attitude is amazing, unbelieveable. The night when he tried to get in was peculiar, being half asleep and wandering into the kitchen with Big Boi (my pitbull) and just freezing still seeing the back door rattling - I half expected to hear chains rattling as if it were a ghost, but no, it was Boogie,why he was trying to get into the house at that time I have no idea, but I just stood there still, watching, frozen because when you are half asleep these kind of incidents are eerie and almost otherworldly. The previous night was even stranger, being woken by Yaz and told to get behind him as he walked through the house with an iron bar - he'd found someone walking into the kitchen having broken the back door and they were apparently still in the house - I was half asleep and so got irritated and wandered back into the bedroom and into bed. It's a sickly feeling knowing that someone else who should never have been in your house has been in there.
We have a vet who talks like Minnie Mouse and is a heroin addict - she is like a blob of jelly with eyeliner on. Good to Big Boi though ... really good ... I kinda like her, but she is always fiending and unhinged when she comes over. I've heard Gail is now coming to the house for dope - since I've been away that is. She said she was going to break my jaw ... yet she was the one avoiding me ... weird situation. Sorry Helena. I forgot Gail wasn't even her real name.
People have renamed me "Expensive", Yaz is insisting on called me "Butterfly" and everyone else calls me "Princess" - although "Young Heidi Fleiss" and "Young Paris" are heard a lot. I don't really care so long as it isn't offensive. After Yaz's babymother was told by his brother that Yaz was dating a "hot british girl" she has decided to hate me, we haven't even met yet she thinks I am decidedly unsuitable and cannot say a good word about me. She got offended that she wasn't invited to the family cookout and I was asked to go. How petty do people want to be? I'm not even hot ... I'm just hot in that part of the world because I look different.
After Yaz picked me up and half strangled me in mid-air I've been more wary of wishing him dead. I didn't mean to even say it because even though I have a strong dislike for him right now I dont wish him dead. I must have a strange mind because I didn't struggle or cry or squeal just hung there looking at him.