Aaron says I have a very negative view of men. The thing is, men have always broken my heart. So why should I have anything but? However, tonight, I am experiencing what very well could be a potenially good experience with a guy. I am in love. In the Holy Cross sense of the word: infatuated. It's special because I have known him since I was less than a year old. We met in gymboree class and after that we were never far apart. We always parallel played. Some of my earliest memories are of him. Of sharing a snowcone with him. I saw him again a couple of months ago. After weeks of casual flirting , we finally got somewhere. And he initiated the what are we doing here conversation. In which, he told me that he is interested and he did want to kiss me at my house. Wow, proof. Bite me, Aaron! I make assumptions, my ass!
Awake at 3 and Writing in an Online Journal
I don't know why I have an account on here. i did it because Aaron begged me to so that he would be able to list someone as a friend. So here I am. Happy, Aaron? I don't even know how I feel about online journals, I mean, isn't the point of a journal for you and you alone. I mean, I guess it's ok if you don't write anything too personal. But then again, I have a friend who writes every juicy tidbit down and then another friend reads it. So I'll never write anything juicy. Not that I have anything juicy to say. I'm also awake at three in the morning. Why? Because I'm too bored to go to sleep. I'm dead tired, but I just don't want to go to bed. I don't know why. Maybe it's a symptom of the depression. The thing is, when I finally do go to sleep, I can sleep for hours on end. I didn't want to get up this morning but the phone rang and it was the disciplinarian from my school. That'll wake you up. Something had gone wrong in my schedule and we needed to fix it. How was in economics? I didn't even sign up for economics. It was weird. I have to take jazz dance too. Not a big fan of jazz dancing. And I really don't want to get up and perform in front of the school. That would really be awful. It'd be much better if I didn't know anyone in the audience. Much better. Meanwhile, I don't think I should worry about that since it won't be a problem for another seven months or so. I have bigger issues on my mind. I always have issues on my mind. That's why I can't thinkaboout myself when I'm trying to go to sleep. I have to invent little scenarios or think about something completely mundane that I won't get worked up about. That rules out the Bush Administration. Aaron called me Ross Perot today. Still trying to figure out why. Then he called me something like a raving liberal which he knows is not the case. You know that's not the case, Aaeon. And I know you're reading this anyway. Now I'm thinking I will go to bed. It's not like I have to get up anyway. Aaron dumped me for his grandparents so I haven't any plans until 3. All right, so I'm here, writing about absolutely nothing and as I've found out, it's not that bad. I mean, it's not like I can write down what I really think of people so I guess it's no harm done. I'm a big proponent of the idea that there are very few things that you should put in writing. It'll just come back to bite you in the ass. So, I found out this online journal thing might not be so bad. It certaintly saves me the writer's cramp of working in my regular old-fashioned journal. But I guess if that was my goal, I could just use word and save to a disk. But if that fell into the wrong hands that could be very bad. But with this, there seems to even be some sort of thrill you get out of knowing that anyone could read it. Which, ineviyably, leads me to the question, why are you reading it? What's so interesting about me? I mean, even my friends who are reading this, you know I can ramble like this in person so why take the extra brain power to read? In person, you can just fix your tortured gaze somewhere over my shoulder as you occasionally add something completely commonplace and meaningless, such as "yeah, uh huh, I know." as if to prove that you're actually listening. I don't blame you. I tend to ramble and sometimes I think I come off as a bitch. But thats not me being serious, it's me trying to play with you. Like, for instance, Chris thinks that I will never let her be right. Of course she is right. She is right much of the time, but it becomes a game to argue with a really lame point as your main point. That's all it is, just a game. Perhaps the result of the fact that I had very little of a childhood and never before indulged in such immature but important behavior. It's practically 4. Why am I still up again? Aaron, I often think that you don't understand when I'm playing with you. You seem to think I'm serious. Which is generally not the case. I think I will go to bed now, But that means taking my contacts out. Which means washing my hands. Which means finding a new clean towel because I happen to be a bit of a germaphobe. More than Chris, but less than a full-blown problem. Don't worry, we have plenty of time to develop that. Great, here comes the cat and she's going to drink my water. And I won't realize until after she begins that I am undeniably, incredibably thirsy. It never fails, that's just the way it works. I've tried water bottle but they're so expensive. So, why don;t you just buy one and continuosuly fill it up at night? you ask. It's not that simple. I have an inability to do that, I don;t know what it is. I guess I just forget or am really lazy. No there's honesty for you. Yes, I am lazy. But only because I'm forced to run around most of the day, mom. You know, if I were reading this, I would assume I had a lor of issues. And that is what I am beginning to realize. That I have not excaped my tulmutuous childhood unscathed, not matter what I would have people believe, I am beginning to realize that I am bothered by things that I didn't even realize I disliked. I mean, what;s that about? But I am.