Cassy's life's Journal

Sunday, March 14, 2004

1:25PM - stuff thats up

Friends


I had been having a lot of fun lately but Im still upset because my best friend is mad at me.I tried so hard to bite my tongue on the subject but I opened my mouth and now she doesnt want to talk to me anymore .She hasnt talked to me since friday and I dont think she is going to get over this one so Now Im sad.


My friends all went out yesterday well my click from my neighborhood anyway me,Bruce Jesse jolie,jesses two best friends and we bumpt into some other people we knew it was fun we were kick'n it .We danced all night it was so much fun.we haven't went kick'n it in it a long time like that it was so fun we were out untill 3am it was so damn fun.Even though I couldn't get up this morning.

dating



My boyfriend and I are doing so good.I'm still kinda sad that bruce doesn't talk about certain stuff anymore
I know a little bit more now though so I understand so I am trying to take it slow.He is so sweet and charming when he wants to be and then he is a bad boy the next I think I fell for him because he is so mysterious all the time.It's like everytime I think I got him figured out he throws another curved ball but not like a "is that hoe cheat'n" curve ball ya know but a make me want to get to know him better type of curve ball .

I love spending time with him even when ee are being serious he can make me smile and laugh,for my birthday he got me a strawberry shortcake lunchbox so I can take my lucnh to work and a tee shirt froo mone of my favorite stores he came over and hung out with my family.

He swears he doesnt want children but he is so good with kids it is amazing watching kids interact with bruce.My nepnhew always wants to talk to him on the phone and when he was over they were playing it was so funny to watch and they were sitting down looking at magazines together.in the summer time we work with a summer camp and whenever he doesnt show up the kids are like where's bruce.

He is amazing he facsinates me.

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Tuesday, March 2, 2004

5:00PM - mi amor and other stuff

My baby is so sweet and romantic ....
Even though he pretends not to be..
we are haing so much fun..
and he is so understanding we talk about everything..
He should get paid for being my shrink.
He is amazing

Current mood: anxious
Current music: mya my love is like whoa
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Monday, February 16, 2004

10:31PM - love life

a am trying realy hard to stop calling bruce as much,we are not fighting or anything I just call to much I've been known that,some times I just call just to hear his voice its sweet and all but I remember how I felt when my ex's did that to me.they did it so much that I grew out of that its cute phase and just felt like they were violating my space.I was the one who told bruce he needs to get a life so now I need to give him breathing room.Its hard though because for the past couple years every chance we got we were over each others houses or meeting up somewhere now we hardly see each other.I don't want to confuse "giving space" with "losing interest". Plus every relationship needs breathing space to grow.I sent the past couple of years so wrapped up in bruce I am not the same with my friends and All day I think of them and want to call them up or just pop up over their house unannounced like before but its not that easy.If I were them I wouldn't want to much to do with me or I would be to busy with my new life to think about that you know.

i know they are still my friends my best friends but I see gow much stuff has changed.


Getting back to the subject I need to learn how to have a relationship and friends and and work and school at the same time,but it is so hard and stressful at the same time.


My whole reason I started typing this was so I can stop calling bruce every hour its like I know he's probably still with his friends and stuff so why would I keep calling hoping he'd pick up so I can go see him I am doing the very thing I yell at other couples for doing.This is extremely hard.I also need to chill for a bit allow him time to call me every once in a while how can he ever miss me if I am always there if anything he will grow tired of me that way and that is the last thing I want.


I always tell folks to go with the flow I geuss it is easier said then done especially since I always tend to do the exact opposite of what I tend to do and after reading all these letters from various people that I saved over the years,I learned I have been repeating the same behavior with him I have with others and I don'tt want to scare him away .I need to learn how to just be in the moment instead of jumping from one extreme to the next and my good friend told me I need to have problems in my life I dont know how to just be happy i am starting to think he is right I want to just calm down relax a little and see where this takes me.

Current mood: indifferent
Current music: blah
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004

1:04PM - nothing in particular

like yo dawg what be up (lols)

I have nothing really to say,but if I get out of the habbit of writing/typing then I will stop again ...

I am still extremely tired.....not sleepy tired but ofer exerted or however you spell it I need more relaxing things to do with my day so that I can be less tired.

I want to go out on a date but I am trying to take thing slow and I'm trying not to be the only one who always bring stuff up.like me and bruce didnt talk much on the phone much he was suppose to call me back,I usually cal him back even when he says he wil call me,but I didnt yesterday I geus I'm just trying to give him his space.

It's very har though because I like to say/do how I feel in the moment the thought arrives ya know,vut I think that what pushes people away so Im trying my best to be less pushy...oh the agony.

I ave been bored though,my friends were keeping me out of the house but lately other than church and rehearsal I have not been out outside of work ad school :(

Current mood: mellow
Current music: alicia keys my woman who dont know it yet
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Monday, January 26, 2004

11:50AM - Me Myself and I

All things considered I had a good weekend,I didn't really do to much besides sit around the house and babysitt.
I went to church sor of,we left early....I did laundry all last night and I'm stilll not finished.I did get my hair done,finally.I'd been asking for the longest.

I feel good because me and bruce patched things up,I'm not sure if we are at the same place that we were but we are an item again.Its hard because we want two different things in life the only thing that we really agree on is that we want to be together,so right now we are just consitrating on that.I dont know if thats a good thing I geuss we'll figure the rest out as we go along.

It was nice hanging out and not arguing,just talking and playing.

Current mood: oy ve
Current music: sappy crap
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Friday, January 23, 2004

10:37AM

Cleveland in the winter time is so horrible especially if you have to catch the bus everywhere.You can layer up all you want you still can't feel much of anything after the long walk home from the bus stop.Then theirs the inconsiderate people who drive so they could care less about sheveling the sidewalks and walk ways or putting salt down so people wont fall..Then their is the idiots on the bus and at the bus stops who so kindly like to state the obvious "man its cold" "are you cold" we're outside in the middle of a snow storm what else would I be !!!


Plus winters suck here when you dont have a car because unless you have friends with cars who are not extrememly busy you may not have to much of a social life either....


topic of my love life



I must be insane,tell me I'm normal,is it normal to chase after seomeone that doesn'twant the same things in life as you?I'm asking seriously.Why do human beings go after things they can't have.I like to call it "don't touch the stove" syndrome your mmom tells you not to touch the stove because it's hot but ultimately you do it anyway because you want to see for yourself,thats about how love is.You see someone who is the exact opposite of you so naturally you cant resist.


I love my brucey bear,I love spending all my time with him or wondering what he's doing.He intrigues me.I know I must be crazy I tell myself don't chase after him he's gonna do what he wants to do and chasing after him will leave you with the short end of the stick.I know this,yet what do I do as soon as I think of him or I hear the sound of his voice.I send him I love you emails,I ask to go out on a date,I make some sort of plans that involve only me and him knowing it will only end up right back where I started.What since does that make.I am really starting to question my sanity.

Why do I put myself through this and further more,why do I see that and still do it.Why is it that no matter how nice I am or how much interest I show in a person I hear "your a really good friend" maybe I'm to pushy to wanty to needy,I can't help it though I am a very direct person when it comes to my feelings I try not to be but I always follow my heart ...Heart,thats what gets me in so much trouble at the end it will be the misery that leads me to loneliness.

love sucks some time

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10:37AM

Cleveland in the winter time is so horrible especially if you have to catch the bus everywhere.You can layer up all you want you still can't feel much of anything after the long walk home from the bus stop.Then theirs the inconsiderate people who drive so they could care less about sheveling the sidewalks and walk ways or putting salt down so people wont fall..Then their is the idiots on the bus and at the bus stops who so kindly like to state the obvious "man its cold" "are you cold" we're outside in the middle of a snow storm what else would I be !!!


Plus winters suck here when you dont have a car because unless you have friends with cars who are not extrememly busy you may not have to much of a social life either....


topic of my love life



I must be insane,tell me I'm normal,is it normal to chase after seomeone that doesn'twant the same things in life as you?I'm asking seriously.Why do human beings go after things they can't have.I like to call it "don't touch the stove" syndrome your mmom tells you not to touch the stove because it's hot but ultimately you do it anyway because you want to see for yourself,thats about how love is.You see someone who is the exact opposite of you so naturally you cant resist.


I love my brucey bear,I love spending all my time with him or wondering what he's doing.He intrigues me.I know I must be crazy I tell myself don't chase after him he's gonna do what he wants to do and chasing after him will leave you with the short end of the stick.I know this,yet what do I do as soon as I think of him or I hear the sound of his voice.I send him I love you emails,I ask to go out on a date,I make some sort of plans that involve only me and him knowing it will only end up right back where I started.What since does that make.I am really starting to question my sanity.

Why do I put myself through this and further more,why do I see that and still do it.Why is it that no matter how nice I am or how much interest I show in a person I hear "your a really good friend" maybe I'm to pushy to wanty to needy,I can't help it though I am a very direct person when it comes to my feelings I try not to be but I always follow my heart ...Heart,thats what gets me in so much trouble at the end it will be the misery that leads me to loneliness.

love sucks some time

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Tuesday, January 20, 2004

9:12AM - My morning thus far






I think that I have frost bite I walked to work in the freezing cold I''ve been inside for over an hour but everything is warm except my ear and it hurts really Bad.

I can't find my phone charger I remember picking it up at work friday when I was getting ready for work I thought I packed it in my bag but I haven't seen it all weekend and now Im at work and I cant find it so I have to buy another one.

My computer at my desk isnt working so I am in the computer lab by myself :(

He called me last night I was still woke but my phone was on silent :( my voice message didnt go off to like 30 minutes later

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Monday, January 19, 2004

11:12PM - For what its worth

I do love him.I'm have no regrets about that part.
I just thought that not only by being friends but by being
lovers to that meant through thick and thin.
I am not one hundred percent sure what I want on most days.
But one thing I am always sure about is that I would give anything to see
that look in his eyes that I get from no one else but him.
To feel his touch,to feel his kiss.
I would give up anything to have things the way things were.
They weren't perfect but they were worth holding onto.
The fact that when we were together nothing else seemed to matter
thats the feelinig he chooses to run away from.
Me I just wish I could hold onto that moment in my heart forever.
That feeling is better then any tear I cry and even though the moments were
only brief and I'd have to walk back into a somewhat harsh reality.
Its what kept me strong,it made it all worthwhile.
so forgive me for being upset but happiness to me is more important then
having the answers to every crisis situation and knowing why stuff happens or how to solve stuf in
peoples lives.

"we spend so much time searching for the meaning to life we forget to live it"
"we spend so much time trying to find ourselves we forget to just be ourselves."

I don't want to get to my last days and think what if I did this or that
I want to think that through al the good and all tthe bad when it came to the situations'
and people who truely mattered in my life,I followed my heart.
I went for the positive instead of the negative.

If I am with someone and I truely love them I dont want to let situations out of my control
be what causes me to lose them.I want to know that I loed them with all my heart and all my
soul and I showed it and they know it.If they feel the same hopefully they will return the favor.
If not at least I can say Itried I did my part.
ONLy a fool would choose misery over happiness..
I know I tell my self that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting the same results,but their is only one way
I know how to love and if that is not good enough.Then like I said at least I can say I tried.

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10:48PM

I hate loving someone this much.If I had to do all this over again I would if I didnt know the end tresults,but if I knew at the end know matter what I did I'd have a broken heart I wouldn't do this,I wouldn't make myself go through this.I have played devils Advocate and gone through so many many alternatives in my mind.

I feel like if it he loved another woman or if he just didntlove me in the same way that would still hurt but It would make since I would have closure and I could move on.I hope that my beliefs are true and that if he says thats not it then its not it .We have always been honest.

I get jealous I didnt before but I do now,he has always had a lor of female friends and I know that they are just friends,but he would practically break his neck to go out with hem,he almost always find a way to see them,go over their houses,to the movies or concerts.With me It was different when we were together unless I asked him to I was always planning stuff and he had his days where he tried really hard to go out and others he tried but if it didn't work even though he said he cared his attitude didnt really show it like he does with everyone else.Its not just with me either we have two friends form high school and he says they are like brother and sister but he rarely picks up a phone to call unless we jump down his throat about it.before I was on his side but recently I've gotten it.

His other friends have that same attitude he does sit around and listen to" I'm angry" music,ahut people out,shut life out,always upset or depressed about something so they except when he is that way.We don't allow him to do that,we allow him to express his feelings but we do not allow him to shut the whole world out and want to be depressed.

I feel like as a friend especially someone thats being called a best friend I am wrong to sit buy and watch my friends behave in ways that will hurt them in the long run.
I'm not saying that I dip into everything and run their lives but I will give my own life before I let my friends ruin theirs.

I know that he is going through things and he feels like he should be able to tell me everything and he can't now.I also know that family comes first and he also comes first in his lives.I dont get mad at him for not telling me everything I get mad when he tells me everything is ok and his attitude shows differently.

I can't stand that he says he is in love with me and he wants to be with me still.What am I suppose to do about that when someone I love and changed my life around for shuts me out and tells me that they are in love with me but they want to be alone.
He says that he thinks I don't deserve someone who will be happy one minute and upset the next shutting me out the next,but if he does all that its by choice.

Everyone has days they need to be alone with their thoughts but if you make it an everyday thing then it becomes a problem.I never expected every day to be roses and romance,but I didnt expect talk of marrage then two weeks later nothing.IS THAT WHAT I"M WORTH.

I smile like I'm fine with everything because when we are together especially with our friends we have fun and it feels like nothing even matters,but its moments like now when I'm alone,I have to face being alone and I cry over and over I cried because I don't want any of this.

It makes him happy now being alone I'm happy that he's Happy but what about me.
Where is my happyness.How can he tell me this is because he wants me to be happy whenthis is doing everything but.Alone for him may equal happiness but not for me.

Everyone is telling me I should except it and date I even have people who like me and stuff,but its to hard.I know me when I date it turns into relationship and I just can't jump into that especially since it wouldn't be fair to the people I'm dating if their looking for something in me that I can't give them because I am in love with someone else.

This would be alot easier if I wasnt in love and the horrible thing about it is I don't know why I feel this way anymore I know all the things that made me love him but right now he's being so selfish by pushing out the people who really care about him,not just me,his real friends and even himself and it makes me so mad at him.I want to understand but his reasoning is just not worth my feelings being okay with this.
As sympathetic as I feel right now and as much as I love him I am incredibly hurt and upset.

I'm not saying all of this to change his feelings about where he stand because I'm so sick of crying and trying to make since of it that if he wants it over thats what he can have but I expected more than this.He made so many promises to me and had me make so many promises to him I believed in all of his words so how now can he have me believe that he still feels the same way yet he's not with me.

everyone I loved not dated but really loved has left me with the short end of the stick.I dont want to look for someone new or date or anything.If I can;t be with the person I love then its not worth it anymore.I'm tired of getting my heart broken.I tell people all the time it wont always be that way in life.I'm not sure anymore its bad when majority of the world treats you like the ugly duckling or second best and then you find people who dont and you still get the same results.I'm so sick and damn tired of being everyones good friends I have friends damn it I want to be loved and if I cant get what I want I am just not going to try anymore

Current mood: depressed
Current music: sappy
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Thursday, December 18, 2003

1:40PM

A good way to start the week:

Be sure to click on smile at bottom

This has 2 parts: a list and at the end, something to open--enjoy!)


The most destructive habit..............................Worry

The greatest Joy.......................................Giving

The greatest loss........................Loss of self-respect


The most satisfying work.......................Helping others

The ugliest personality trait.....................Selfishness

The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders


Our greatest natural resource..........Our youth

The greatest "shot in the arm".................Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome.......................Fear


The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease....................Excuses

The most powerful force in life..........................Love


The most dangerous pariah..........................A gossiper

The world's most incredible computer................The brain

The worst thing to be without.... . Hope


The deadliest weapon...........................The tongue

The two most power-filled words......................."I Can"

The greatest asset......................................Faith


The most worthless emotion..........................Self-pity

The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!

The most prized possession......................... Integrity


The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer

The most contagious spirit.........................Enthusiasm


Everyone needs this list to live by...pass it along!!!


This is one you'll like. Someone put in a lot of effort to compile this. Just

click on the word "smile" below turn on your speakers and get ready to enjoy.


SMILE

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Saturday, November 8, 2003

12:56PM

why why why!!!!!why me!!!

I'm having one of those weekends it started yesterday,I got bad news from my boo,all my friends stood me up the second weekend in a row!!!!!!

then whats worse I have to stay at tri-c to go to a play so to kill time I went to tower city to get breakfast and who do I run into,justin I am very humble towards him and I'm usually nice to him but the reality of it is I can't stand him he broke my heart and I ate really quickly because he totally gets under my skin.
people waited untill we broke up to tell me all this stuff about him even my so called friends,and he himself didnt show his true colors untill the break up but yet he still tries to be friends!!
you manipulate me to get what you want,you play me,you lie to me and expect me to want to be friends,fuck that,its not going to happen.

I fell like crying so bad and I'm pissed cus my cell doesnt work and I want to talk to bruce but I'm saving coins to call him later and I feel so awful and aggrivated and man I want this week to just be over with

Current mood: aggravated
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Wednesday, October 22, 2003

2:19PM

My schedule is kinda bus I try to update this thing as often as possible though...


I geuss I will talk about my sweeties day...

Bruce is so sweet when he wants to be he pretends like he doesnt have a romantic bone in his bod when in fact he is a darling.


Saturday got greeted with flowers and a cute little necklace with a rose on it.


He took me to the botanical gardens and we walked around and looked at the pretty flowers.we stayed there for about 2 hours,We went too the art musem and looked at the exhibit there it was so much fun.

I never dated anyone interested int that kind of stuff or was at least wiling to take me,I used to picture that when I was a little girl.

We walked home down the blvd and talked about everything it was really nice and even though it was chilly it was sunny out so it was very pretty.

We met up later and went to houlihans and hen we saw a movie,...okay so maybe we only saw some of the movie,'m not complaining it was fun for me :)

What we saw of the movie was good though i'd say.

That was my day.

Te best thing i like about when we go out is holding ands believe it or not,...it makes me feel protected and cosy and not to mention I love the faces bruce makes when people look at us and go "awe you guys are such a cute couple"

anywho that was my date I had a super cool wonderful time spending the day with my boo

Current mood: calm
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Thursday, October 16, 2003

4:14PM




There's no place like home,there's no place like home theres no place like home



I am at work my chill spot I suppose,I been off since three but it aint shit else to do,it seems like I did more stuff when I was broke and unemployed than I do now,and its worse when you have a job and your broke cus its like what the hell am I working for.....


I have absolutely nothing to do when I go home brue has some thingy he has to do with his school paper,Jolie has night school,jesse has work where has my posse gone,I ave no busfair or money untill tommorrow this whomps,I used to do stuff everyday always getting into something I geuss that ship has saled huh (im pretty sure thats spelled wrong but screw it!!)


I have to get out of here sooon cus it will be getting dark and I have to walk home by myself since bruce isnt gonna make it today....he was in the same building as me yesterday and I still didnt get to see him this blows...

Other than minor issues I had a good day I was very busy and time flew by as usual the senior citizens are finally warming upo to me or I'm warming up to them (matt teaches a senior citizens class every thursday),I didnt sit in the regular computer class I had to type labels for sam and david ,I'm happy because the trheatre troupe finally emailed me back and we are gonna meet sat hopefully if not this sat than next week for sure.



I am hanging out with the crew tommorrow and I think my friend ambra is finally gonna be able to kick it with us so that is wonderful.I am so excited about that!!!!I dont know what me and bruce are doing sat he expects me to plan everything and whenever I ask what we are doing he says I dont know so I almost wanna aay screw it,I am tired of being the one who is eager to do stuff,he always says that he likes doing stuff and he looks forward to it but actions speak a lot louder than words.

...

not that I dont believe him,I love him I know he is being sincere but sometimes I just want a change of pace from the norm,I'm hoping that maybe he did plann something he used to be that way thats what attracted me to him he was so romantic once upon of time now unless its one of those caught in a moment things it seems like that as for everyone but me.


Sunday I have church and I am getting baptised a week from sunday and thats about all happening with me

Current mood: bored
Current music: hip hop currently listening to lauren hill
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Wednesday, October 15, 2003

8:22PM - stuff





Work



Work is tiresome,I don't have hard tasks its just everyone treats me like i'm there assistant too and I have so many things to do at one time not to mention that people expect me to be everywhere at one time.I can't get all my work done and trying to remember one thing for trying to remember another.


School



School is aight I'm doing good as far as grades go,but I am having a hard time staying focuse I love my classes its just my brain is always jumping from one thing to the next,so many people expect e to be an under achiever and fail while there is so many more who have my back and the pressure is redicuous I feel like people are more worried about who they want me to be than what I want to be and it totally blows.

Current mood: awake
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Tuesday, October 14, 2003

2:12PM

Well i geuss I can start with yet another wierd dream that I had huh....




It was definately on the wierd list and worth writing down,you ever have ne of those days wher like iot feels like everything in the world goes wrong and people say and do things you dont expect thats how this dream was for me.

It started off a regular day I was leaving to go to some rap showcaseee I geus someone from yo!Cleveland (youth Opportunities)invited me or something cus thats not normally something I'd do,not that I dont like rap I just dont usually fit in for some reason.

So I get there and I see my friends from yo only they are acting all thugged out and dogging me and just being mean so I leave,and then I pick up this paper on the way home and it has this whole article that doesnt really state my name,but it s hinting at me saying I caused some old lady to have an accident or something which is so not me so I figure thats why people are doging me and every time I try to talk to people they jump on her side,I talk to the lady and shes mocking me and I learned she set me up,for what I don't know (I am one broke sista aight) So she's laughing cus everyone believes hner cus she's old and stuff and me i'm still trying to figure out what I did.

So then everyone starts treating me like that constantly trying to get me to do stuff I;m not suppose to and get me into trouble,then I am walking home I walk down 102nd to pargate like normal and when I get near parmalee its another old lady accross the street she looks at me with this smile that is just creepy and then as I get halfwaay accross the street this car starts coming so I'm trying to move only the lady starts to talk and she starts talking about some law that I have to wait for a blind person for a certain amount of time if a car is coming because if a car comes and they ant make out the direction they will get hit and tit will be my fault for not helping..it was longer than that and just rediculous,I mean anyone who knows me knows that I would help those in need but she obviously wssnt blind or else how would she sense me from that far,it was goofy...


So I didnt want to chance getting set up again so I wait and almost get hit y the car and I decide that I want to go straight home before my day gets worse and I get into more trouble only I made a pit stop and I bumped into some of jolie's old friends from school I was so happy to see themand I went ofer smiling to greet them and they chewed me up,they dogged me from head to toe talked about my clothes my hair my walk my talk everything. I dogged them out and I left...
i'm walking and I get to jesse's street his mom is on the porch and I'm actually happy to see her,normally she says stuff if I dont come up and speak to her so I went on the porch and I say hi to her and when I wnt to give her a hug she gve me a dry hi and a half hug practically pushing me away and told me she didnt have time to talk....

I hear jesse in the house but I was so hurt I kept walking to my street and didnt even go in.I get to the corner and there are 2 ambulances in the middle of my street one has the door open but its dark and I cant see in it which is wierd because it was a sunny day and plus ambulances have light so i should be able to see.

I get further up my street and I see that its almost dseserted and its wierd cus there are ambulances so usualy you'd think people would be outside and then I get to bruces house and this part was so real and vivid that I have been worrying all day long tkoday......


Bruces whole side door is off and windows to his house are shaterered and destroyed I am terrified I want to run in and see if they are okay but for some reason I go home,I get next door to my house and my whole family is home and they are just sitting there wuiet I ask what is going on and they dont speak I look over and I see bruce sitting on the couch and his little brother ryan on the chair next to him I speak to bruce he says nothing he just stairs with this blank expression,I speak to bryan and he starts crying his face turns bright red.

I asked what happened and no one says anything. I walk up to bruce and say,hey you okay what happened and he gets up and walks to the front door.there is room in bryans chair so I set on the edge and I hug him and rub his back and he says nothing he just cries.we move to the couch and he lays his head in my lap and he is crying and he's really broken up,still no one has told me what happened,but I didnt see his parents so I kinda know what happened.

Current mood: blah
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Monday, October 13, 2003

11:04PM








You know what's wierd,The fact that Bruce was thinking the exact opposite of what I've been thinking....We have been both dreading the same thing only he was the first one bold enoguh to face it.



for a while I've been noticing I have evolved into another person,I owe mst of it to bruce because he encorages me to be who I want to be.However I was the type of person whereif you asked me who I was gonna be at 21 I knew and thirty I knew and so on,I didn't know how I was going to get there but I knew.Now I am with this wonderful boyfriend who is much more than I deserve,onl our dreams are exact opposite,I want the big house and the kids and the picket fence life,,while bruce wants the apartment in the city and we are both stuck n our dreams and while I am the one willing to compromise and be obedient to my mate,the last thing I want is to live a life that is not meant for me so I keep doing the things I plan while keeping room to grow with bruce,but bruce will do what brce wnats to do and what he feels right for him,yes he lets me go out and do my thing but I dont want it to always be me do my thingand he do his I want it to be a union I try to take in the stuff he likes and I do try very hard tobe apart of my life,he is there when it counts but he is not big on change,I dont want it to always be so far apart i have a problem with that.



My fear has always been that he will think that I am always trying to get him to do what I want to do,make him seee things from my point of view and live life according to me and he will get upset and break it off because I am not who he thought I was and he has enough people in his life doing that.Or maybe I will get mad evenand call it off.I have had day dreams about this so real I felt my heart breaking and I cant stand the thought of us being apart.


The other day bruce was saying the same thing only opposite he had a dream where he kept trying to get me go back to the casy he fell in love with old cassy into the point where he let me go because it wasn't going to happen.


both of us agree that we dont want to break up,but we are so opposite that I dont know what to do this is so hard for me,I have had boyfriends with differnt ligestyles before and personalities but we were never this opposite and its crazt but its the things that make us so different from each other that makes me love him so I learn so much from him so much about life,so much about me and i dont want to let it go,but its getting hard and if he is tihinking about this to I worry.



I dont want to lose us I am so in love with him everything about him,i just wish I knew what to do or that he would meet me half way,we have grown a lot he opens up to me more,he has always shared his feelings withme and stuff but now even more so and our bond is so tight i just want to know what I can do for him to let it stay that way

Current mood: confused
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Thursday, October 9, 2003

2:10PM - Me today




My day

First off why is it likfe five different temputures in this building today I am off the clock but I always stay a little bit later to play on the computers.

It's a sauna in our office then its warm in the hall and in the rotunda upstairs it is freezing,Clayton's place is average and the computer lab is like normal cold its crazy they need to get it together.



I am okay today nothing really to talk about,today is thrursday so that means that
senior citizens came in the lab for computer class,we had thursday staff meeting and I studied my play for class other than that and talking to random people that was my day.


Matt was hardly in the lab because he had meetings today so I was mostly by myself.crissie stopped by we haven't seen her in a while so that was cool we got to catch up.


other than that charease was the only one in the lab and tracie came earlier.I ate lunch with the senior citizens and that wa all.I am bored and tired now.

Current mood: content
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Wednesday, October 8, 2003

11:32AM - my day



today was pretty okay!!after I realized how bored I was typing labels I decided that I would go bug matt,so I did always worth it!!!


Me and him chatted on and off the rest of the day,during break we had a prayer circle which was cool,I never did that before and i felt loads better.


bruce came up to talk to dan I waited and we caught the bus home together and talked about our day and feelings and stuff and that was that,I love that I have a boyfriend who does that kind of stuff with me he is beautiful.


I had a blast in acting class all we did today was observe a rehearsal for the schools up coming play "a soldiers play" based off the movie a soldiers story.


the people in that class are always so fun I hope I have class with the same people next semester that I take it.for our project avting one students are working on "spoonriver anthology" and acting 2 is doing "the glass monagerie" (we studied that play in my 11th grade liture class and then we went to see it it was wonderful.
for our finals we get to do our own choice of work I'm nervous I have terrible stage fright mostly around people that I know though.


Jolie sat in on the end at least till she got kicked out(lols) her and ciobhan are always laughing loud while the teacher is talking so he gets pissed.

I love my teacher he is awesome too.


I came to a realization that I keep holding onto uneccessary stuff and also that because I wear my heart on my sleeve I tend to get my feelings hurt quickly and sometimes I take things to personnaly so I want to work on that.


ciobhan's mom gave us a ride home and we waited for her to get off owrk to do so ciobhan acts just like jolie she gets to the point where she thinls every thing is funny and she will laugh at everything and it cracks me up.

that was my day though,yup thats the story and I'm sticking to it.


'life get used to it"

Current mood: cheerful
Current music: rock on
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9:59AM - a continuos dream I had










My dreamMy dream last night was rather wierd I'm trying to figure it out,I swear I'm not crazy.


this is what happend for some reason me and my sis was back in high school again only we went to in the ghetto in alabama,something to do with being close to our relatives down there (only they dont live in the ghetto most of them have huge houses in beautifu;l neighborhoods) .Anyway it was scary and we struggled to fit in because what is considered "street" for us is childplay for them,then after school I went home which was in a suburban white neighborhood,'i'm not prejudice or anything but downsouth if you are the only black person in a white neighborhood its noticable.


So I see rachel from the glbt center and I'm like okay what are you doing here you should be at home in ohio on coventry and she says they moved there ands he was happy to see me because she was bored out of her mind and didnt know anyone except one person who she was eagerto introduce me to,after a minute of being shocked about her dressing like a normal person (normaly she looks like meme off drewe carey..ok maybe not that extreme but a close second)I went I'm and she introduces me to this guy nnamed chris immediately I knew her intensions were to hook us up but all I could think of was bruce back home.


Chris was nice looking a little chubb but he was cute he had a baby face and dimples and pretty greenish eyes,I felt out of place at first cus as I said in that neighborhood I stood out,but everyone was nice and greeted me at the door,I was terrified when he gave me the tour of the house because when we got to the chill room or whatever,there was this huge red and black snake (BIGGER THAN ALL OF US!!)
He walked out of the room and thinking of my rules I was taught about snakes I just stood there and tried not to be loud or make sden movements,chris had to leave out and tell rachel something so I'm by myself with this thing I close my eyes and I'm scared because before I closed my eyes it started to slide off the couch and I felt it n me,it was heavy and clammy andit was wrapping itsself around my arm so needless to say I'm horrified,but the next thing I know chris is snapping me back to reality and the snake is gone and apparently he had took it with him when he first left s I ws day dreaming.


We laughed it off and we sat and listened to musicand rachel casually dissapeared which left me and chris time to get to know each other and we were having fun and I wanted to be friends withh him but the next thing I knew he was looking at me and I was looking at hi and he kissed me and alhough he whole time I'm telling myself bruce is at home I'm kissing back and likeing it,so now I'm pushing away and I told him as much as I like him I love my boyfriend and I leave and I go home.


I called bruce and talked to him about it and he said he was cool with it, but I could tell by his voice he wasn't. I geuss some months passed because now I was going to meet with bruce and get him from a bus station so he can visit and meet my new friends,but I couldnt believe it when I greeted chris on the wa to get him,it was a kiss a volunteered hug and kiss and make out,I was having an affair!!!me cassy,could I do such a thing? all I know is I feel horrible about it now even though it was just a dream,especially since right after I kissed bruce the same way,so now I don't know what my dream was saying and its not the first time I had dreams like that so I'm worried.

Current mood: confused
Current music: listening to joe so R& B
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