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[04 Oct 2007|09:48am] |
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okay. it's been a long time and i feel the need to vent.
i can not be pregnant much longer. i know that sounds selfish and people are probably like oh just deal with it. my emotions have gone completely hay wire. and i'm aware that it is my hormones. but i am in a depressed state. i'm always sad, i cry just because, there doesnt have to be a reason, my apetite has diminished. i have to force myself to eat. and more times than not, forcing myself to eat just makes me overly nauseous or it makes me vomit. i just want to be left alone. i can feel myself falling back into the depressed state that i was in a few years ago. and i can't handle it. of course then it wasn't because i was 35 weeks + pregnant, but you know what i mean. i can't fix me. and all of this can't be good for him. babies can sense your emotions. if i'm sad he can sense that, when i'm stressed he can sense that. the fact that i have to force myself to eat & then i vomit (a lot), yea i'm sure that isn't good for him either.
i'm done.
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| breakdown. |
[06 May 2007|05:06pm] |
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FUCK EMOTIONS!!
i think that says it all. i'm so tired of crying. okay, so i'm pregnant and emotions are kinda hectic when you are pregnant. but damn. all i wanna do is cry. and fucking men. one in particular. most of you know who i'm talking about. he's the most confusing person i know. one night he wants to be with me and the next i am back to square fucking one. i am so lost. i don't how much more i can take before i physically breakdown. my emotions are pretty much on the verge of me being back in a depression which hasnt happened in almost 3 years. my boday aches. everywhere. i'm physically exhausted, from the baby and work and stress. my fucking back. i assuming it's my kidneys because that is where it hurts. sorry if i jump around. not to mention i have this hideous fucking rash on my face that i dont where it came from. i really just wanna crawl in a fucking hole. then i wouldnt have to worry about anyone caring or dealing with stress. i so tired of not being a priority.
man fuck it.
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[10 Apr 2007|12:16pm] |
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Under Construction
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[26 Mar 2007|12:13pm] |
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i really dont get it. how can you have years of time with someone and they still play games? how do you invite me up and then leave with your friends? or tell you they will message and text you the next day and they ignore you? oh but that is love. i know he'll never marry anyone else because i have his heart. so why is he doing this? on top of me being pregnant. and already emotional, he is playing games. i just cry. that's all. why do i love him? why do i let him get to me? i wish i knew.
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| & he's my bebe |
[20 Feb 2007|10:48pm] |
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i miss him sooo much..
it's been 9 nights since i've seen him/
okay doesn't sound like a long time but it is.
i'm crying.
i just want to lay with him.
this sucks.
end of story.
xo ♥
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| oh shit. |
[13 Feb 2007|12:42am] |
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well i got myself attatched to someone. && now i'm not really sure what to do. i have acquired some really deep feelings and now i am lost. lost more than i'd like to be. but anyway. they make me more than i have in a long time.
another note. my friend/manager brooke. had her baby. 8 weeks early. 3 pounds 9 ounces. almost 16 inches long. he's doing well. of course he's in the nicu but well for the most part. and she is too. a little groggy & sore. but that's to be expected from a c-section.
i haven't had my car for about a week. i'm dealing i guess. i know i'll be glad to get it back tho. :)
i guess that's all for now.
♥ xo
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| another day.. more emotions.. |
[29 Jan 2007|04:10am] |
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so i did some crying tonight..
and now that i am alone..
i am going to cry some more..
i want things to be easy.. i let someone deep into my emotions and now i am stuck, between a rock and a hard place.. i have fallen and now i am stuck.. i have given them the ability to essentially hurt me.. and that really bothers me.. i almost lost it beside them tonight.. but they only got a glipse of the broken sami.. i'm complicated.. my emotions suck.. and i have no one to help me with them.. i can't exactly cry to them when it's about them.. ya know?! i want to shut them out completely because that is what i am good at.. but i care wayy too much for me to do that!! so now here i am.. caught in another emotional battle between what i want and what i can actually have.. why are my emotions so fucked up?! why am i so fucked up?! my choices suck.. my emotions suck.. my fuckin heart sucks.. why do i always fall when i shouldn't?!
that's my life
end of story
PERIOD .
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| my thoughts for the day |
[25 Jan 2007|12:55am] |
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[24 Jan 2007|02:12am] |
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so i had a much better day.. i was still kinda down but it was much better.. i didn't have a sparatic tears or anything of that type.. yay!! work was pretty loong.. and i just kinda wanted to come home from the time i walked in the door.. i haven't really felt well.. i've been coughing and my sinuses are draining.. YUCK!! i dunno.. just the weather i think!! i did have one really brightening moment .. it was a text message.. and it made me smile from ear to ear. <3 but anyway.. i am doing better.. my emotions are still a wreck and i still want to scream.. but better!! =) ..
gOOD n¡TE
♥ xO -mE
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[23 Jan 2007|12:23am] |
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so i think the alcohol is just making me cry more..
OOPS!!
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| time to vent |
[22 Jan 2007|11:30pm] |
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so i was on the verge of an emotional breakdown today
i almost burst into tears today at work.. i am so confused with my life.. my emotions are really really touchy lately.. like the past week or so i have been on edge.. if you will.. i am stuck between a rock & a hard place.. i want to scream.. i wish i knew why my emotions were like this.. maybe i need to see a psychatrist or something?? get them to dope me up so reality isn't so real.. i need something.. i decided to get drunk tonight.. prolly going to feel it tomorrow.. but then again i prolly wont sleep.. there is too much on my mind.. maybe i'll drink until i can't walk.. that'll help me.. i really hope i don't puke.. i think i am rambling.. but anyway back to what i started with.. i am 18, not ugly, a pretty cool chick i think. so why do i always fall for people that are taken or are complete assholes/bitches.. i know i deserve better and i know if i wanted to be in a relationship i could have one now.. but it isn't that simple.. i just wish life were easy and i didn't have to worry about what i did wrong or who i can talk to about this or why do they not want me?? i am so good at acting okay.. and pretending that nothing is on my mind.. or that nothing is bothering me.. when deep down i just want to fall into someones arms and cry hysterically.. i think i may drive somewhere this weekend .. out in the middle of nowhere .. and just scream as loud as i possibly can .. maybe i'll even get drunk and then go do it.. make it a lit'l easier.. i really need to stop bottling it all up inside.. but i feel as if there is no one i can turn to.. all of my friends have lives.. lizzie is planning for her wedding.. cecilee is already married & has a baby.. amber has baby jacob & drama with anthony.. jes is at mason and has to worry about bills & college and shit like that.. and that leaves me.. to bottle it all up inside of me for months and then have a breakdown as i am right down.. [ drinking a beer, sitting in the computer chair, crying my eyes out ] because my whole life is different.. p.s. if my words start to misspell .. cope with me i don't understand how it all went wrong.. i figured i would be almost married by now and now so much shit is fucked up.. i just want life to be easy.. is that really too much to ask?? i let someone in to my emotions recently and now i find myself falling for them when i know i shouldn't be.. and it is soo hard to know that i will never be able to have them to myself ..
ill brb...
okay.. now i have a beer and a strawberry mango margarita. where was i?? i purposely left my phone upstairs on the floor so that i wouldn't have to wonder if i was going to get a text.. thank god for xm radio on my tv.. sorry that was random.. mmmm.. i love sugar rims =).. that may make me in a better mood but then again.. i am getting a lit'l bit drunk so that could be the cause.. lol.. but anyway.. i just want to be happy and not have to worry about anything.. ((fuck!! i spilled it on me)) i think i have a few of my personalities out right now.. lol.. i just burped.. how lady like.. i am so fucking down & out.. and here come the tears again.. i want to be their everything i want to be able to be like 'yeah that is mine' i dunno..
i'm done for now
xO ♥ sami
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[18 Jan 2007|12:11am] |
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so i saw my greed eyed monster a little bit today.. i have this piece of me that is attatched to someone.. and i can't help but get a little envious , if you will , over things .. i dunno it is whatever ..
i am doing fine at work i guess .. kinda bummed about Ricky quitting.. but we all know it's for the best.. i'll still talk to him & shit so it's not a huge deal.. i really need another job tho.. like a part time job. i just need the money i guess..
jes is going back to gmu on friday.. well tomorrow.. && i haven't seen her but like once.. ahh!!
jacob is doing better now, but amber is sick now.. oh my.. first baby then mommy.. i'm supposed to go up there sunday after work. we'll see i guess..
i dunno.. i'm done for now..
xO ♥ me
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| new layout |
[14 Jan 2007|12:17am] |
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someone very close read into this picture and now i decided to make a lyout out of it..
i have a lot of emotions going on right now..
my emotions are completely hay wire..
i am stuck in an emotional hole..
i just want to SCREAM ..
that is all for now..
i can't really type..
i'm at a loss for words..
xo ♥ sami
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| Happy New Year |
[12 Jan 2007|11:35am] |
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let's see..
x. i got a new critter.. a pink Betta fish.. his name is Floyd.. =)
x. i found out yesterday that the person i'd give anything for has actually been checking up on me.. which made me smile immensely.. i was pretty sure that he gave two shits about me anymore.. maybe i was wrong?? even still it really caught me off guard and it has been on my mind ever since he told me that he thinks about me sometimes.. i dunno.. prolly just me over-reacting but you never know.. i really & truely care about him & i think if things were different this would be sooo much easier.. i dunno
x. work is work.. i really need to make more money tho.. i love my job & want to stay there.. but damn.. somethings gotta give or i have to get a second job.. money only goes so far. ya know??
x. my girls.. some are up and some are down.. Becca & i well, i'm not sure if we are talking, or if because of april she doesn't want to talk to me or if she still thinks i want to beat her ass.. i'm soo lost. me and amber have been talking a lot.. i'm glad!! i missed her sooo much! me & jes haven't hung out in a week.. i talked to her yesterday for the first time since we hung out.. things are kinda hectic for her so i understand.. i miss lizzie..
x. well i'm tired of typing already so i'll try to update more later on
xO ♥ sami
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| an update |
[22 Dec 2006|12:20am] |
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okay..
first off .. new layout .. kind of my emotions right now.. i like it .. let me know if you do
secondly.. i now have two new critters.. a new corn snake, name Hershey.. && a leopard gecko, who jes (( his god mommy )) named Butters .. they are great ..
thirdly .. work .. going great, we are slammed because of christmas.. i'll just be glad when christmas is over.. haha =).. but other than work is going good.. i really want management.. i guess we'll see.. cross your fingers !!
fourth on this list .. my love life .. CHAOS .. i miss Brad .. i broke up with April .. i have a crush on someone .. i have feelings for someone else .. i just wish i could snap my fingers && life would figure itself out!! why does it always have to be complicated??
fifth .. my fucking crazy ass family .. i love my mommy to death, bu i hate her fucking boyfriend .. i want to stab him with a fork and throw him in the fucking ocean .. i am losing my good relationship with my mom because of him .. he is a piece of shit .. he's so irresponsible too .. he gambles all of their money online playing poker ..
sixth .. just something random that i did today .. me && chelsea, a girl i wokr with, ate a dog treat .. it was cinnamon applesauce flavored .. it smelled delicious so we tried it .. it just needed milk .. lol .. i know i'm crazy .. haha :-b
seventh .. my living arrangement .. i'm looking for a roommate, because of number 5 .. i'm going insane .. haha ..
i guess i'm done for now ..
xO ♥ Sami
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[14 Nov 2006|05:47pm] |
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i'm sad..
my baby girl Rose..
is dead..
those fucking pinkies..
are rotting inside of them!!
i'm crying again..
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| an update. |
[29 Oct 2006|03:38pm] |
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i know..
i know..
it's been FOREVER!!
i've been busy..
let's see..
i quit school..
& now i am sueing the owner for the rest of my tuition..
it's like 1700 dollars..
work is great..
i got a 34 cent raise..
YAY!! more money
lol.. but my health insurance is just going to get it!!
damn bills!!
umm.. snickers (my brown snake) died on the 25th..
i don't know how.. i came home from work & got him out to feed him and he was dead..
it was very difficult for me!!
Rose seems to be doing ok..
& the hamsters are still cute as can be!!
of course they keep me up on that damn wheel!!
but that's their excercise!!
i found myself catching feelings for someone that i shouldn't have feelings for!!
but i guess i'll just pretend i don't have feelings..
that usually does work!!
uhhhh.. i dunno what else is going on
so i guess i'll go..
♥ xoxo sami
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[14 Oct 2006|11:52pm] |
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WELL..
Friday the 13th: well.. i got sent home from school.. great!! right?! then i got a flat tire on the rental car && the guy that came to change it was afraid to get his hands dirty.. ironic right?! so i end up helping him out.. lol.. i mean shit he was actually using his foot to loosen the lug nuts.. wtf? anyway.. then i went to work.. i was sore after i think i pushed myself to the brink with my back because i did perfect recovery.. i don't feel as bad now.. then i came home && was on the computer until....
Today: 4 'o clock this morning.. && then on the phone til 630.. then i went to bed.. woke up at ten.. got a shower, got cute =) then rode around & went to pet smart to fax this insurance paper.. i know i can't seem to stay away from that place!! oh well.. then i went to lizzie's for like an hour.. then i stopped by marjorie's, but she wasn't there.. then i came home & got on here for a li'l bit.. then i rode to inwood.. got ronnie.. we went to m-burg mall.. then i took him home.. got a m&m mcflurry and came home.. brad called.. it was well interesting.. i'm not going to get into it!@!.. same shit.. he pours his heart out to me.. & i love him but i'm not in love with him anymore.. i can't do it.. i've been venting to shawn for like at least an hour.. well now we're talking about random stuff!!
that's all for now!
xoxo ♥
always, me
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| VENTING!! |
[12 Oct 2006|12:33am] |
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well.. it's time for me to just vent..
so p.s. if it's going to piss anyone off or anything like that don't bother reading this!!
here goes nothing..
i am stuck in this rut of an emotional roller coaster..
all i wanna do is cry..
nothing feels like it is going right..
first my car accident..
my fucking back is so sore and achey(sp?) that i don't know what to do..
my period was supposed to come yesterday and it didn't so all of my hormones are still balled up inside of me..
i miss all of my friends.. LIKE WOAH!!! Jessi moved to burke to go to GMU.. Cecilee moved to Frederick with her mom.. I feel like Amber never returns my calls.. it's like me and Lizzie don't ever have the same time off to see each other.. Becca is in Sheperdstown.. she now has Ashley, so i feel like i am at the bottom of the totem(sp?) pole..
i have been unbelievabley sick to my stomach all night.. and imagine this.. i puked my guts out about an hour ago..
i'm shaking..
at this point i just need someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be alright and that everything will get better..
but there is no one there for that..
parts of me miss Brad.. and parts of me hate him so much.. he tries to push his way back in to my life and i push him even farther away..
my grandparents are now not just 15 minutes away, they are 50 minutes away, up a windy fucked up mountain..
i miss my sister
i really just want to curl up in bed with my mommy as if i were 5 years old again..
i'm crying and i don't know why.. i can't breathe out of my nose from the snot.. and the screen keeps getting blurry from my tears..
i'm so lost and confused..
i feel like a failure..
school feels like it is never going to end and i'm so sick of the stupid salon pety drama from my teacher and this fucking woman that is about to graduate..
i don't think i am going to be able to sleep tonight even tho i am tired as hell..
i think i might have a fever..
but i don't feel sick except my puking..
that's all for now..
-sami
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[08 Oct 2006|02:13pm] |
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well i got in a car accident .. i'm sore but i'm doing a lot better
jessi has been home from GMU.. we went out to eat with her family.. me, becca, alex, jessi, emily (her sis), victoria (her neice), her mom, & her dad.. ten we went to a haunted house.. lol.. & then to iHop at likr midnight.. it was fun.. then becca stayed with me and i took her home at like 11 'o clock today..
now i'm watching Redskins football
later
♥
sami
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