| can't you tell i'm tired of studying? |
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| 07:47pm 29/10/2009 |
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mood: tired music: gilmore girls
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( secretsss ) |
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| I'm being haunted |
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| 07:06pm 29/10/2009 |
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mood: hungry music: gilmore girls
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No joke, i litteraly believe i'm being haunted. maybe because it's halloween and this type of year always freaks me out.. i'm usually freaked out all year. i hate the dark. but halloween is definatly the time that i'm most scared. however, i really think i am being haunted because this happened last halloween too! this little blonde girl is haunting me. no lie. she's like.. about 5 or 6 and she pops outta no where. last halloween i had a dream that she was under my covers and i pulled them up and she popped out and her mouth was wide open and scary shark like teeth popped out. but only in my dreams is she "haunting". but i swear while i'm awake she'll pop outta nowhere and just be standing tehre and i'll look away and look back and she will be gone! it's sooooooo weird. it happened in the library today too! she was sitting right next to me. i looked a split second, she was there. looked away and she was gone! WHO IS THIS LITTLE GIRL! |
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| Definition of love |
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| 09:48am 28/09/2009 |
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Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies.
You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans.
But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love.
It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.
Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.
It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are.
You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.
It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway.
Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it.
And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole. |
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| this lovely summer |
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| 11:36am 26/08/2009 |
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mood: happy music: gilmore girls
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it has gone so well! i love this summer! I can't believe it's going to be over in almost 2 weeks! so depressing! i love hanging out with my friends and my family and i'm finally getting back into karate ! I have a team kata going on and just individual kata! It's going so well. Me and Mark are a couple but we still have stuff to work on, but overall, we're pretty good. He makes me happy, and he treats me good. I got a kitty! His name is T.J., he's really cute. He's white with orange stripes. He's almost 4 months but he acts like a dog! All he wants to do is play play play, I actually can't wait until he becomes a lazy cat lol. Roger is still kickin' it but he is getting old, he's getting greys.
I went to Algonquin! Camping for the first time and it was sooooooooo fun! I loved it. I love smores and the smell of the camp fire. I love swimming in that filthy water! I loved canoeing. I loved cooking over the fire. I loved Dwight Market. It was so fun! Sarah, Sam, Dania, Lydia and Yurij! It was the last time we got to use the van! WE GOT A NEW CAR! The Dodge Journey.. very cool.
I also went to Wasaga! That water was much cleaner and just as much fun except it was a family thing + Mark. haha. Beautiful Beach.. getting high, drunk, eating. Cute cottages but we slept in a tent. it was fun!
The rest of the summer has been good, I want to do one last trip before it's over - hopefully it will happen :) |
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| Don't let one awful night ruin all the amazing nights we've had. |
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| 10:00am 05/07/2009 |
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mood: tired music: realize
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Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. |
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| Picked my university courses! |
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| 03:31pm 02/07/2009 |
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mood: happy music: gilmore girls
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First year courses suck, I can't wait for next year, however my first semester is pretty slack.. all my courses are so spread out but than my second semester is pretty much packed. It just turned out that way because of the availabilty of the courses. I'm going to keep checking the ROSI website to see differant timings for classes to make it more convenient but for now i'm taking:
Anthropology - Aboriginal Peoples and America
Classical Civilizations - Intro
Earth Science - Planet Earth (probably going to change this course to something else)
History - Intro
Psychology - Intro
Sociology - Intro
Women Studies and Gender Issues - Intro
That gives me 5 credits! Awesome. But my first semester is jokes. For the Fall... which is from September to December I believe.. is:
Monday - Anthropology 12-2
Tuesday - Sociology 2-3, Classical Civilizations 6-9
Wednesday - NOTHING
Thursday - Women Studies 11-12, Sociology 2-3, Women Studies 2-5
Friday - Psychology 10-2
That's pretty slack and so spread out. however my second semester is very busy. Winter .. which is from January to April I believe... :
Monday - Earth Science 10-11, Anthropology 12-2
Tuesday - History 11-1, History 3-4
Wednesday - Earth Science 10-11, Earth Science 1-2
Thursday - Women Studies 11-12, Women Studies 3-5
Friday - Psychology 10-2
I'm thinkin I should drop Earth Science because Psychology will give me the science I need and than take another half credit in humanities or social science... maybe an english. I'm going to see if I can take Women's History but all the classes are full for now so I jsut have to see if anyone drops it anytime this summer so i can get into the program haha. and hopefully i can put the course i switch into in the fall season so i'm not so crowded second semester. but i love the space i've given myself because inbetween classes i can study so i don't have to study so much at home! I'm so excited! Terrified but excited none-the-less. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Graduation - June 25 2009 |
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| 02:09pm 27/06/2009 |
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mood: workkkk ugh music: spice girls
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As amazing as it was, it was also sad. I am going to miss everyone! However, as we say, we are rarely ever going to see our graduating class again, it's kind of false in my case. Everyone that went to Loyola live in the Loyola community, where I live as well. So, I've seen many people already from school and it's only been a day! So, I'm sure I will see the majority of my graduating class during the summers and the breaks we get off school. I'm so glad to be done high school but i'm so terrified to start university ! What a huge transition it will be. I definately took advantage of how easy high school was. University is going to be a struggle, I have a feelingI will be living in the UTM library haha. I can't wait to hang out with all my friends this summer! It will be the best summer of my life - hopefully. Jonny's mom gave me a gift for graduation and it's so silly and random but realy so perfect. She gave me the book "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss. PERFECT. Such a cute story. I will also be hanging out with a whole bunch of my friends tonight and tomorrow is movie night! Can't wait.
New News: I got my g2! finally. I watched My Sister's Keeper with Dania and it is such a sad movie, You will cry every 5 minutes. The whole theater was sobbing and you could hear everyone. SO sad. It's ridiculous how sad it is. I recommend watching it but at the same time I don't because you are going to feel so awful afterwards. I saw Corey and Tony and Mark and the gang yesterday also, it was nice! I miss them. But I love hanging out with my friends - I forgot what it was like and I actually like it! Me and Mark are still working things out - "Rome wasn't built in a day"! Portugal may or may not happen. I can't wait to drive to Nicole's and hang out! I can't wait to see Bianca again. That is all for now I believe!
As we go on we remember all the times we had together.
And as our lives change, for whatever, we will still be
Friends Forever |
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| prom is tomorrow |
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| 06:36pm 21/06/2009 |
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mood: happy music: love story
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i'm actually really excited ! it will be the first time for me in a limo :) however i hate my prom dress more and more because it's still too big for me and it's not fitted properly. and i hate it more everytime i put it on. hopefully it actually does look nice an di'm just oveer exagerating ! whatever we wil see and i will post tons of pictures ! hope it's as good as i think it's going to be *crosses fingers*. |
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| starting fresh! |
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| 03:31pm 11/06/2009 |
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I like this. I think it's what we need. We worked so well and than .. something went wrong. I don't know when or how but it went wrong... and I wish I knew so that I could fix it but I don't know, at all. So, if we start from the beginning, we can see how it goes. Friends first. Go slow. And if it doesn't work, than it doesn't. But I hope it does.. I really hope it does. |
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| another sleepless night.. no suprise. |
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| 03:29am 09/06/2009 |
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mood: upset music: buttercup
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i didn't deserve that. |
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| This hurts far more than it should. |
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| 10:51am 08/06/2009 |
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mood: upset music: nobody's home
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I can't believe I've let myself break into a million pieces over this. he doesn't want to be my boyfriend - get over it. i wish it were that easy. and i have no one ! no one is around. i can't talk to anybody. you have no idea how much this hurts. no fucking clue. and you could probably care less. maybe that's just my upset self talking, but i don't like this at all and i dont' understand how you can be fine with it. i guess you had time to prepare for it. i mean you talked to EVERYBODY about it and I of course was left clueless. and now you've got all your friends and they're probably all by your side. and i'm left alone. with no one. watching gilmore girls all night because i can't sleep. i'm just as pathetic as i sound, really.
so here i am. you've given up and I.. havn't. congratulations.
oh, and i'm sick. what an awesome fucking time to be sick. |
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| I can't sleep. |
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| 05:36am 07/06/2009 |
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mood: tired music: sweet escape
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I toss and turn and I'm left here. Pathetic. Reading old notes that he wrote me and wondering where that all went! How did it change so much? And it's only been a day and I miss him! I miss him so much. This sucks, it totally sucks. And I have work in like 4 hours and I totally don't want to go.
I need my best friend, you know? and that was him! I could go to him for anything and I screwed that up. I didn't go to him when I had the opportunity and now I don't have the opportunity at all. i hate this. |
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| it's called a break up because it's broken. |
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| 10:02pm 06/06/2009 |
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mood: upset music: sweet escape
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and it hurts. it hurts too much. but this is what you want, so. i hope you do wonderful things. i hope you find happiness. i hope you find someone who is going to treat you the way you want to be treated.. the way you need to be treated. and no matter how much i want to think hope is such a waste of an emotion... it isn't. it's all i have.
and p.s. i don't hate you. i could never hate you. i just want you to know that. |
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| This is who I am. |
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| 03:29pm 02/06/2009 |
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mood: tired music: mountains
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I just want people to be cool with who I am, flaws and all. But, it seems that my flaws blind people of who I really am. But, my flaws make me.. me. I am this wonderful, adorable, friendly creature standing in front of you all because of my flaws. They help me learn. They make me better myself.
I can't believe co-op is almost over! I'm going to miss teaching JK&SK sooo much, it's unbelievable! They are the cutest kids and it's so chill just hanging out there and teaching, most importantly, learning. It's awesome. I can't believe it all ends next friday and than an exam for my co-op class and than summer time! But after summer time comes the University of Toronto (Mississauga). I'm terrified but I can't wait. |
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| he's just not that into you |
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| 10:34pm 31/05/2009 |
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mood: tired music: reflection
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Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| low heart beat |
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| 03:44pm 28/05/2009 |
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mood: worried music: Hurt - Christina Aguilera
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I guess all those "You're getting old!" jokes have really caught up with him. But he's not old, he's only 47! He's got tons of time. However, his mother, my grandmother, died of a heart attack when she was 50! There have been continous heart problems on my dad's side of the family and he has done everything in his power to not allow it to happen to him. He does karate everyday! He works everyday! He eats extremely healthy! But, unfortunetly it's all caught up to him. He has a low heart beat... he fainted at work yesterday (Because of low blood pressure caused by the low heart beat), he was sent to the hospital in an ambulance, and he didn't tell anybody. I came home and had to ask him a million questions about why he was home before he finally told me. And worse, he didn't even tell my mom, his wife. He's embarassed. He's stubborn. He can't believe that all this effort was wasted.. but it wasn't wasted. He's not dying. He's got tons of time to fix it. He's just embarassed that it HAD to be a heart problem... out of all the problems, it had to be that. And worse, he KNOWS that if he called any of us from the hospital we would of dropped whatever we were doing to go to that hospital. He doesn't like that. He doesn't liek to be the center of attention. But I wish he could just accept it. If he had called me, I would of dropped everything I was doing to go see him. I would bus. I would take a taxi. I would get there some way. And my mom was disappointed that he didn't call. She told me this morning that he told her "because it wasn't necessary to call you". And it almost looked like she was going to cry, like she felt just a little bit useless. But I told her - that's dad. He's stubborn and most importantly, he's embarassed. I just hope it's not really seriouse. I'm sure he'll be fine. He's a tough guy.
( I love you daddy. ) |
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| some postsecrets |
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| 02:57pm 26/05/2009 |
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mood: tired music: gilmore girls
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( tada ) |
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