whoa, rock me tonight, for old time's sake whoa-oh's Blurty|
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Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
whoa, rock me tonight, for old time's sake whoa-oh's Blurty:
|Saturday, November 1st, 2003|
|life is a waste of time
ok.. Wednesday night- my mom gets a letter from my dad lawyers saying that hes sueing her for everything we got..my mom gets really depressed and starts drinking...alot. She says she needs to go to the beach for alittle while to think about things. She promises that she'll be back in 20 min. 2 and 1/2 hours and 50 calls to her cell later and she still isnt home. Then the cops call. They say they cant tell us what happened but they ask alot of questions about my mom and relatives around here. I give them some name and numbers and they say they'll call me later. They call later and say that my mom is at the hospital but sinse were minors its up to my mom to tell us what happened. Also they said that we werent allowed to go see her that night. I end up sleeping at my grandparents in waterboro. Thursday-I come home at six and get ready for school. I end up getting a ride from alyssa instead of taking the bus. I go to my first 2 classes and I cant concentrate at all so I say fuck it and go to annie's mom and ask to leave. She says I can and she calls the hospital. Faggot boy comes and picks me up. I spend the day at the hospital. My mom is on this oxygen thing and all this shit is hooked up to her. She has bruises all over her body. When she finnally wakes up she starts staring into nothing and crying saying that shes such a low life and that shes better of dead. The nurse gives her something to relax her and I go home for supper. Around 7pm the hospital calls. My mom tried to kill herself in the hospital so there moving her to the mental health unit in Southern Maine Medical. Friday-I wake up at 7:30 take a shower etc etc..then go to my grandfathers funeral for alittle bit. Then halfway through my sister and I and faggot boy leaves and we go to D&D for breakfest. After we come home and then go up to the hospital. My mom can talk now and I find out what happened that night. She went to the beach and tried to kill herself by making herself drown. Someone sees her though and calls the cops. The cops try to get her out of there but she puts up a fight and starts punching and biting..they fight back and restrain her. They bring her to york hospital were she was only sopposed to be for a few days but sinse she tried to kill herself again she had to be sent to SMM. After I find this out she starts crying and starts saying how much better it would be if she was dead and starts puking. After alittle while I cant take it anymore so I kiss her goodbye and I leave. Then I came here and sat on the computer and worked on my webpage..and relized that im the one that would be better of dead. I hate my life.. everything is falling to pieces..but everyone likes me better when im happy so i gotta put on this fake smile and pretend that everything is fine. wow isnt life grand.. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Good Charlotte "hold on" its a really good song..
|Saturday, October 18th, 2003|
|I'm picking me apart again, You all asume I'm safer in my room, unless I try to start again...
I found out ppl were actually reading this.. god damnit.. I guess I'll have to stop talking bout the shit that goes on here because yaa.. umm.. ppl dont need to know it.. unless i can find a way to put a password on this thing..well whatever fuck it for today cuz I need to get some shit out.. umm damn I havent written in here for awhile.. I guess ive been to busy..ha thats a laugh me busy.. i probley should change that to lazy. Ummm.. anyways.. not much is new..except I've been skipping school alot.. my mom doesnt like that to much lol but whatever.. I've also been skipping art cuz i fucking hate the teacher and last week I got caught..sooo I guess im in trouble at school and the counseler keeps calling the house and is trying to get me to talk to her at school.. ya ok fuck that. Why dont they look at my record...maybe they'll get it that I dont talk to counselers they just make my life even more fucked up. Well a few weeks ago my mom ODed.. ya what a great night that was. She came home and my sister was crying and shit because like my mom was running off the road and hitting trash cans and shit. And when they got home my sister told me she ODed..so my mom's friend michelle, (thats living with us) like told me she was going to admit my mom to the hospital..and I pleaded with her not to..cuz I defiantly dont want to be taken away by the state..sooo michelle agreed to only admitting her if she wanted to be addmitted..so then michelle took my mom out for the night somewhere..I dont know where..so while they were gone I like made sure sarah (my sister) was in bed and then I like flipped out on morgan, jess, and nicole. Thank god I have them as friends.. i dont know what i would do without them... I cut my wrists though.. cuz im a dumb fuck.. I dont know why I did.. its been so long sinse all that shit happened..and i dont want to bring that all up again and end up back in the hospital but I dont know I couldnt deal with the shit going on that night and I made a stupid mistake. Somebody told miss B though and shes been on my case sinse then trying to get me to go see her..but im not untill the scars go away.. I really dont need that shit again..my mom especially doesnt need it either..something like that might push her over the edge.. God damnit I hate my family sometimes. I meen i love my mom and all but she gets into these depressions and like her whole world stops. Shes gone all the time and when she is around shes sleeping or crying and smoking ALOT.. like she doesnt stop. And I thought I smoked alot..jesus christ.. yaa and like she doesnt do anything around the house so I have to clean it up, do the laundry, do the dishes, make the food, and like litterlly force my mom to take me food shopping so we have something to eat. Its pathetic.. I shouldnt have to be the parent..but whatever I'll do it as long as it keeps my mom from doing something stupid. I really hope this entry doesnt get into the wrong hands..My life can be sucky sometimes..but my sister deserves to be able to stay with her original family.. i'll do anything to keep us together..cuz thats all we have..and I dont even want to think of what would happen if something happened. God its so hard not to fucking go back to the way i was last year..but right now I cant allow myself to be that way. If it wasnt for my sister I'd be like fuck it and end the pain..but shes only 10 years old and she has fucking bipolar..I meen wtf a 10 yr old shouldnt have bipolar..I'll do anything just to see a smile on her face everyday because thats what she deserves..my life is fucked up and its to late to change it..but if I can make sure my sister's life isnt like that. Even though I would love to end the pain or run away and start a new life..I cant. I have to keep strong for my sister..its bad enough she had to see me in the hospital...and now seeing my mom go through the same shit. Wow I cant believe I like wrote all this shit..but whatever..I need to get it out somehow..and doing something stupid like cutting or talking to a counseler wont help. Well Im gonna go now...I have alot more to say..but..I'm just not in the mood to tell it all.. Current Mood: stressedCurrent Music: Linkin Park-Breaking the habbit
|Thursday, October 2nd, 2003|
|my first entry in school.. yay lol
ya im in school... god i hate it here.. its way to damn early to be up..Alrighty its thursday..and umm yaa monday i didnt go to school cuz i didnt feel like it and then tuesday i went cuz i have my most important classes on white days. And theeeeeennnnn yesturday I went to the fryeburg fair (straight hick pimpin yo) with my mom and sister cuz im cool like that. I got back late and attempted to do homework but I didnt get through much because i was to damn tired to think. Well this is my first time on the internet for awhile because my phone got disconnected. I wish I had a job..then i could help out with some of the bills at home. Maybe some day ill get off my lazy ass and go find a job. Yaaa tomorrow is friday.. and ill probley just end up getting drunk and going to the football game (what fun). I wanna get nicole drunk lol... Then saturday jess is coming down..were defiantly gonna get trashed..and i might get her to do acid..maybe.. anyways I really dont want to get caught.. cuz i dont know if this is like allowed or not..but liza does it all the time sooo whatever i dont have much else to say..if u want to contact me u'll have to come to my house..cuz my phones, internet, and cell phone is shut off...alrighty well ttyl.. oh shit i just relized that by putting liza as a friend on here she can view this..SHIT well i guess ill change it.. Current Mood: tiredCurrent Music: im not listening to anything.. duh im in the library fool
|Monday, September 29th, 2003|
|"somebody saaaavvvee me"
blah I didnt go to school today.. I didnt feel like it. My mom's depressed so she doesnt give a shit anymore. Anyways this was my boring ass weekend.. on friday I came home smoked and then I started watching tv and I was like "sarah if i fall asleep wake me up". Well she never did so I eventually woke up at 8. I was sopposed to call renee and them ppl at like 5 to tell them that I was going to the beach to get trashed but like it was alittle to late and I couldnt be like mom give me a ride to the beach cuz she would end up talking to them (cuz renee and amanda are her sisters) sooo yaa that wouldnt be good so I just ended up going out to eat and then to the movies with my mom. What fun that was. We ended up having this huge discussion on how she doesnt want to live anymore and that shes been thinking of killing herself because she cant deal with life anymore. Ya then she told me that the reason why the docters have been calling all week is because they think she has cancer and shes finding out on friday if she does. God what fun that night was. Anyways on saturday sinse i was all depressed and shit I just ended up going to bri's house and smoking up and then I came home around 2 cuz I didnt know when my mom would be coming home. Then I didnt go out again cuz my mom was just moping around the house getting drunk and crying saying she's sorry for all the pain shes caused me and that itd be better off with her gone..so ya of course im not gonna be like ya thats great mom im gonna go get trashed and have fun with my friends while ur lying here like dying. So on sunday I didnt do anything except for homework and eating and being on this god damn computer. God I just love it when your whole house is depressed..its just so much fun. You come in and all you hear is bitching and bitching and bitching and then crying and then the house trashed because ppl are just to damn depressed to clean it. Now I see what I put my family through and i feel like such a bitch cuz of it..and especially my friends.. i made them go through so much shit. Im still wicked fucking depressed.. i meen its kindof obvious but I dont want to put my friends and family through all that shit again. God I hate york. People here seriously can suck sometimes. They dont care if they hurt people and they'll do whatever they want and say whatever they want regardless how the other person will feel cuz of it. And then payback hits them and they cant deal with it. Well sorry thats just how life is. I need to get out of York so fucking bad right now. Im so sick of it its not even funny. lol well now that ive gotten this out I need a cigg... lol yes im a fucking addict I know..but if you want to say shit about it you can go shove it up your ass cuz I seriously dont care what you think of me anymore... Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Remy Zero- Save Me (its a really good song.. DOWNLOAD IT!!!)
|Monday, September 22nd, 2003|
|why are their subject thingys? this is the hardest fucking part of my day!!!
today was boring. Fucking monday err.. lets see ummm yaa study,causeway,study,homeroom,french,lunch,math... yep that was basiclly my day and then I came home and smoked a fucking ciggarrette cuz I was craving one soooo bad today..yaa fuck quiting..theres no point anymore. And then I slept, made dinner, attempted homework, did chores,and came on here..lalalalaa i have such a boring life..i wish it was the summer again.. i love just fucking getting trashed and high every night and being able to sleep whenever u want..and to sleep with as many guys as you want.. haha not that I did.. im a good little girl. Ya right nobody believes that..but i didnt like sleep around..im not like that..anymore lol. I only slept with the guys that i was going out with..oh and 1 or 2 guys i met at a party..but come on its fucking summer u gotta live it up. Everyone thinks i like sleep around and im trying to get them to believe that ive only had sex once haha yaaa i dont think anyone believes me..but anyways york fucking sucks so it doesnt really bother me anymore.. all it is is fulled with fucking skanks and preps..theirs a few cool people..but the rest just get on my fucking nerves.. their so fake..they all need to get laid haha. No actually for them it wouldnt help.. they gotta first remove the sticks from thier asses. Its amazing how I can write a shitload when im just rambling. err I cant wait to get the hell out of this town..i gotta get a job soooo baaaddd lol i owe so many ppl soooo much money its not even funny..and theirs like no way of paying them back..soo yaa and plus i need a job because I have to pay for the insurance for my car and my mom and grandmother and ppl like that are gonna buy me the car..yaa and im not taking drivers ed.. lol my moms like its to fucking expensive.. ill just teach you how to drive and you can go straight to the test.. i was like whatever floats your boat as long as you be buying my car :) but yaaaa anyways im so fucking tired.. i hate school...no one in their right minds should wake up at 6 fucking am.. I wish we had a choice of night school.. id do that.. im like fucking nocturnal so itd be awesome. llalaalalalalallaalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala ok I think I've rambled enough and its not like anyone is gonna read this sooo ttyl....
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Blur-Crazy Beat
|Sunday, September 21st, 2003|
lalalalalalalala last night was fun.. im surprised I dont have a hangover though..but yaa whatever.. anyways renee slept over and at like 1:30ish am amanda came down with shorty, mike, jon, jason, and curtis. They brought a bottle of vodka, a bottle of captain, a bottle of bicardi, some weird rum shit, a 6 pack of coors, a six pack of smirnoff, and a six pack of bicardi silver. WE WERE FUCKED. lol we went to wells beach instead of york cuz we didnt know if the cops left for the season yet and we didnt wanna take the chance..then we came in around 7 am ish and just renee stayed and we slept till 1ish. Ya and im so surprised I didnt get a hangover.. im really happy though lol.. ya and we'll probley drink tonight too cuz we didnt finish it all off...so yaa that was my weekend lol..im gonna go now..theres nothing more to say.. im fucking tired and im going back to bed.. lol Current Mood: sleepyCurrent Music: Socialburn-down
|Friday, September 19th, 2003|
wow im really not good with doing these things like every day..hmmm what to talk about.. alex is bald..that was interesting.. i meen i dont want to be like fuck you go away..but what am i sopposed to do? im sooo confused with her.. i dunno..anyways..VOTE FOR ALY ya ok sry that was alittle random but ya anyways school fucking sucks lol today i spent the morning in study being all quiet so by the time i got to english i was fucking hyper and we had a sub so i just acted like a fucking retard the whole class and yes i my interpertations of sesame street are the fucking best haha ya i found out i defiantly am a sped today..thanks to spending my whole summer with jess and nicole lol..but yaaa nicole thinks i broke her cell phone..yaa ok why would i do that when i need to use it like all the time lol..but yaa today after english we had those gay election things VOTE FOR ALY!! and i kept falling down cuz like 200 ppl tried to get up at once and it didnt work out to well..ya ok um after that i had a food test that i failed..if i get a worse grade then kelsey then i defiantly need to start studying more lol but we can take retakes so its all good..and then after that i had lunch and i hate lunch on blue days cuz theirs like no one at all in my lunch..and ya then after that I had art and i sat with just alex cuz tim didnt sit with her and i felt bad for her and i was like ok whatever.. ok wtf hold on a sec a gazzillion ppl just IMed me and i have to be like fuck off im busy..ok back..ya anyways..i took the bus and tried to speak to carlos (is that how u spell his name?) but yaa that didnt work to well and then when i got home i fell asleep which i dont get cuz i got 11 fucking hours of sleep the night before...then i woke up and ate and came online.. tonight is my loner night lol.. i felt so stressed out alittle while ago for some reason.. like it was really bad..but now im fine.. lalalalala ive just got a headache but whatever its ok..atleast my nose stopped hurting.. fucking a lol everytime i get a piercing it always gets infected i hate it lol its probley cuz i dont get it done professionally but whatever.. the only one that came out really good was my belly button but sinse im fat i took it out..theirs no point cuz its not like im gonna show it off anytime soon.. omg ive gained so much weight.. it looks like im pregnant..but im not!! i made sure!! lol i dont know i guess its cuz im trying to trick my mind into thinking im not depressed like im trying to fight it the best i can but its not working at all.. im sleeping all the time and i keep eating..fucking a.. lol and plus when i like try to fight it i get really bitchy.. i guess im just gonna have to deal with it and start taking my medication again but i dont want to.. i hate meds.. their fucking gay.. and i need to get a job sooo bad im like so broke and i owe so many ppl money.. like i borrow 3 to 4 dollers a day from ppl so i can get lunch ( bag of chips and a drink) and then another drink for my last class and then another drink for the bus ride.. so yaa lol..i owe like nicole 30 dollers, dani 4 dollers, candace 6 dollers, andy 1 doller, and thats all i can think of right now.. i know theirs more but im to tired to think... err i hate this im always tired!!! i need to get out!! i like have to get out tomorrow.. actually i really wanna get out of york.. i think ill call up someone and demand that they pick me up haha.. ya i defiantly made this like longer than i thought i would..especially sinse im just rambling and talking about nothing.. yaaaa okkk well im gonna go now.. i might write tomorrow but it probley will be in a few days.. if i remember i have this diary lol.. ttyl...... Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: missy elliot-4 my people
|Monday, September 15th, 2003|
|sober blue day
well I didnt go to school trashed..damn it all..anyways my mom started going back to work today so I can start skipping school :) I love my friends and family haha were would I be without them?! oh nvm i know.. school lol. woohoo i pierced my nose today..well i didnt pierce it my mom did (dont worry shes done tons of piercings before shes really good at it).. but ya it looks ok i guess.. i really want my tounge pierced but my mom said I have to wait untill she gets it done first :(. yaa my mom started smoking.. like she used to occasionally when shes under lots of stress but now she does it like all the time.. i meen before she used to try and hide it from sarah (my younger sister) but now she doesnt give a damn.. i meen its bad but in a way its good for me because i have another source for ciggs now :).. yaa i got 5 today so im pretty happy.. cuz im to fucking lazy to get off my ass and look for another job right now.. i think when i get used to school I'll look for one. Err im kindof pissed at renee.. she was sopposed to come down and give me a bag but she didnt and now im weedless untill i can find another source..but see its hard cuz im lazy and have no money so i gotta wait untill i can get some off my friends or renee. Ouch my nose hurts so bad right now..but whatever its worth it i guess. lalalalalala I dont want to bore you anymore with my rambling so im gonna go..ttyl Current Mood: tiredCurrent Music: Three Days Grace "I hate everything about you"
|Sunday, September 14th, 2003|
i dont know I decided to have one of these gay things.. this weekend was kindof boring.. I hung out with jess, nicole, josiah, joe, mike, and aaron and then went and brought joe home (haha fun times with me, jess, nicole, josiah in the back and joe laying on top) and then after we brought joe home josiah jumped into the trunk and we went to the football game which we lost again lol (whats new?!) and this stupid junior bitch and her mom were saying shit about us cuz sopposdly we "were in her way" ya ok whatever atleast i dont bring my mommy to football games..fucking pansy. And seriously how cool is she to make fun of freshmen..seriously somebody has NO FRIENDS lol. Anyways after the football game we brought josiah and nicole home cuz jess was sleeping over. Yaaa and then we were going to get drunk but we decided not to cuz we didnt have enough left so we robo tripped instead..yaa that was alot of fun haha it was jess's first time and she started hulicinating and shit..it was hilarious and then she like passed out so i just watched "the pretty colors" haha untill i fell asleep.. then on saturday jess went home at 3ish and i was sopposed to get wicked fucked up and go to the dance with becky, dani, alex and whoever else ( i forget lol) but i fell asleep and it was to late when i woke up so i did nothing on my saturday night (err) and sinse today is sunday it was spent doing my shitloads of homework and doing laundry..oh what fun..yaa anyways i think im gonna go to school trashed tomorrow just for the hell of it and cuz its blue day and thats my easy day so i can get away with it.. and plus i just got this orange dream mix shit and its really good..so anyways.. hmm.. thats about all.. im gonna go now though so i can finish working on my shitty webpage..ttyl!! Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: Die Trying "oxygen's gone"