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"For that which is born death is certain, and for the dead birth is certain. Therefore grieve not over that which is unavoidable."
Bhagavad Gītā

Faded Away [11 Apr 2010|09:09pm]
[ mood | drained ]



This blog has been moved to The Blue Observatory until further notice.
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Stand Your Ground [31 Dec 2009|01:55pm]
They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.
Benjamin Franklin
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What We've Become [12 May 2009|07:17pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

"And so I can look into your eyes only to see a vast sea stretched before me with not the slightest idea of what lurks or lives beneath. You who have come to know me and anticipate me -- you who could read me like a book that remains ever the stranger -- neither friend nor foe. For even the common stranger is more to me than you.

What good are those that have the knowledge but want nothing of it."
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Refrain [11 May 2009|06:33pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]


Oft I find myself reflecting on things that have passed -- certainly not as much as I would like but not without good reason (as if there ever was one). Lately I have wondered how we got to this stage; where once I couldn't wait to speak to you, how you'd happy chat along with me and once where I felt like I was of some sort of importance in your eyes has been replaced with a silence and a pity glare here or there. You're different now and there's nothing that can bring that back. It pains me to know that I will never again see you as I once did; for not only have I deteriorated in your eyes but you in mine as well. I give up and what is left is the hope that you would be better, not in the way that things were before but that you would return to your former gentleman-like self. I have become afraid to talk to you because I don't know what to say, I don't know how you'll interpret it and mostly, you've made me feel like I'm not adequate and that I were nothing except someone who takes up space. I understand that I no longer hold a place in your eyes but you've been far crueler than necessary and when I've drawn up the courage to say something, you're mortified. What am I to do?

I wish, in vain, that that which came between us at the beginning of the year was on your mind when you first asked if it were okay for us to continue on last year. In that way, I would have never seen you differently, I would never have seen you as you are now and perhaps I would still admire you. I wish I would have known that you were going to hurt me, but I know that no one can ever know that at the beginning.

I wish I were special to someone.
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Oh Count the Ways [30 Apr 2009|11:56pm]
[ mood | sad ]

You make me sad because:

You never know when to quit. Even when it hurts.
I'm always there whenever you call, but you're nowhere to be found when I need you or would like your company.
Sometimes the light catches you in a way that I saw you that day and I will never get back that day and I will never see you in that light.
I want to throw my arms around you but afraid of what consequences that be.
I can never really be who I am because that person hurts you.
When you do something mean or cruel, I can't say anything because you'll get upset. If I do, you'll be mad and I'll worry about what I did and dwell that somehow this backfired.
I feel that you really never did care but your actions at odd times gives me hope that you did.
You don't feel the same and you probably never did. But rest assured the time I told you how I felt, I meant it.
I wish I could give you the world, but I suspect we're just not right (you don't want it from me).
I've given up. But that helps control my emotions.
You've never seen anything you've done wrong so I can't even begin to explain why you make me feel the way you do.
You don't know what to do when I cry.
You have no remorse, you don't care about anyone except yourself and you don't care enough to see the damage you've done.
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Lighting a Candle [17 Mar 2009|10:50am]
[ mood | listless ]

All things considered, I don't think I like you when the mask has come off. A part of me wishes that you were the same person that I first met; the person who still cared. Now when you are happy for me I can't help but wonder what your true intentions are. I miss the person that I fell for but nonetheless I still cannot help but love you as you are.
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Given Time to Rewind [12 Mar 2009|10:15am]
[ mood | crushed ]

“The easiest thing about any relationship is putting yourself first and working on your own happiness. It’s easy to cheat because the options are available, it’s easy to do whatever you desire if that’s what makes you happy because that’s all that matters, right? The hardest part is remaining faithful, is worrying about the other person and that’s what takes work. That’s what makes a relationship worth it in the long run. You can do what it easy or you can take on the hard task but remember to consider “Which of them is going to make it all worth it?””

B.S. (Paraphrased)

Consequently, the lesson yet to be learned is that your love for yourself greatly surpasses the love you have for anyone else. Until you can rectify that, you will never see who I was and who I am.

(2004)
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Ataraxia Dismissed [07 Mar 2009|05:43pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Did you want to be in love? Or did you really fall in love, again? Can you really continue doing this? You have become a victim to your own emotions -- each time you remain cynical and hurt; even realistic about what to expect or what will happen. Sadly though, while you weren't paying attention, that which if you've always tried to keep at bay rises and consumes you whole. It was because you were afraid of your feelings that you become so consumed and hurt when it happens.

Maybe or maybe not this is real. Either way, he does not feel the same about you. It's time for you to drop this and walk away. Although you think you can't, you can. Let go.
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Final Concerto [12 Feb 2009|10:51am]
"Yet despite all that, I still love you. I cannot bring myself to look at you nor can I utter the words again, but know that the feelings remain the same."
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False Prophecy [12 Jan 2009|10:58pm]
[ mood | impressed ]

I wish that this were easier on me but if there's anything I know, it's myself. It's the will that I have to see this through to the end and that I will do because the lesson we've come to learn is that I'm doomed to be subservient to others happiness before mine own.
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Slip Away [08 Dec 2008|03:04pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

I believe you've forgotten who you are and who you used to be in the quest to figure out who you want to be. Either way, you've got it all wrong.
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Transparency [14 Nov 2008|11:34pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

She wishes you saw more in her.
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Check the Mirrors [07 Oct 2008|02:15am]
[ mood | listless ]

When it comes down to it, I just want to be able to call someone and cry to them without feeling like it will be held against be. Where I can be completely unabashed without ever feeling indebted or inferior; a person to whom I can spill all the secrets that have weighed me down for so long.

I just want to be free of myself.
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A Passing Generation [10 Aug 2008|03:12am]
[ mood | tired ]

Throughout this entire ordeal, it has been trying on my nerves and patience however I have managed to not buckle beneath the weight. The same cannot be said for a small portion of my psyche thus I have been rather grateful to those that have attempted to alleviate the pressures put upon me.

However tonight, for the first time I was nearly moved to tears when you held onto my hand and looked at me proudly. When I needed it, defended me when I was in a powerless situation and you reminded those that loved me dearly that I am, as I have always been, fully capable of taking on the journey that lies ahead.

I'm going to miss many things as I continue my awkward journey ahead – fumbling through each of life's lessons – but you four will always remind me that somewhere, at any given time, there is someone watching over each person; hoping for the best, keeping a close eye, and generating the strength to carry on.
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On a Sparrow's Tail [05 Aug 2008|10:52am]
 
Rest In Peace D.S.

 
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There Are No Exceptions [31 Jul 2008|03:47pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

The friendlier I am – the more compassionate and sympathetic I am to people – the less I see any traces of decency. It is my own hope that is brewing a hatred for people. The more I try to be a better person (for whatever convoluted reasons which would also feed this cycle), the more I see that there is no way to be one. People in theory want to see kindness and generosity but to their core, they'd rather see people as heartless and cruel creatures. In that way they'll always feel better about themselves.

There is no honour among men.
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The Uncovered Truth [28 May 2008|11:59am]
[ mood | sad ]

Forgive me for holding on for so long; I don't know how to just let go.

There's nothing that can be done to rectify this situation that I have created for myself and I feel that because I have no justice by you then I can't just yet. Honouring the commitment made however requires a certain ability to not only wish the best for others, but to never have much to go on for one's self and to take in a great deal amount of pain. Like you, there will never be a gratifying feeling of what I've done, nor a mark or measure. What I have left to go on is good will and the hope that everything I've done will work out in the long. And luckily it has been to my favour that things have their way of working out, but what hurts is that it's never in the moment. Though I could relish in something finally blossoming the way it was supposed to years later, in that moment I am probably tending to the next seeds that I hope will turn out as those before. Yet... like the failure with you, there will never be that moment where I can stop to enjoy it all, because it's never the right moment for that moment has fled and the next opportunity will be missed.

Though you all may have your opportunity to learn the lessons that I have struggled to teach for these last few years, it is not till I have reached the next horrific moment that will change my life that I will fully comprehend everything that has happened.

To think, I spent all those years mending that chasm left by Andre while you were the one that changed my life and subsequently changed how I would approach every person from that point on. In the last thirteen years I have tried so hard to mend the void, tried to not commit the same error, cried and suffered for something that can never be fixed. And though I may despair, there is always the last memories – the only memories – I have of you to remind me that regardless of how bad things get, I have the strength to get through them because it I who chose to change and tried to fix things.

I may never get over the fear that I have and that I know when I'm clutching the last lines of communication telling myself, “What if this person dies tomorrow? Did you really want them to leave without knowing? Is that really okay?” And I wish that I were being melodramatic and taking things to an extreme, but as much as I tried to forget, I have not been able to erase the memory of my trying desperately to remember who you were and what your name was.

I need someone to validate all of this; to tell me that everything I've done was right but mostly importantly that I've done right by you because I will never hear it from you. And when this is done, I can't help but be afraid to know what is left at the bottom of Pandora's box.
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A Cry [18 May 2008|02:17pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I so desperately want this to all be over and done with. Not a single word in my vocabulary can begin to describe the descent I have succumb to within the last few years. The feeling of being crushed beneath myself simply cannot be overcome.

I can't wait for the words "I'm done," to come to life.
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Random Thought [30 Apr 2008|03:36pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Nothing ever seems good enough.

But given enough time, all that was deemed unnecessary will be the markers that were needed to judge if the ends justified the means.
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And death shall have no dominion [22 Mar 2008|05:08pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.

Dylan Thomas
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