wish   
07:49pm 26/07/2003
  I really wish she could be nice to me now and just be friends. We like so many of the same things and we could enjoy a nice night together watching movies or going to see bands, but we can't because she's too angry at me and herself in general that we can never be friends. oh well.  
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I made her smile   
10:04pm 01/07/2003
  even if it's anonymously, I like still making her happy. If she ever knew it was me she wouldn't allow herself to be happy or listen to me. I was the one who told her it would be a good idea to move back to CA and she did and she thought it was an intelligent reply. After calling me dumb, I knew it was a complete front. And ok, so in responding to one of her diaries I accidentally forgot to make it anonymous and it was funny but she laughed and at least wrote about me not being able stay away from her. But it was pertinent to her comment because she said she hates anonymous people and to go fuck yourself. So I wrote unananymously, GO FUCK YOURSELF TOO! haha!. too funny.

ohhhh, I love her old depressed miserable self. Can you really help who you love? Ok, again for the record, I don't try to make it a habit to hang around depressed women, she was a happy sort when we were going out with each other. Very loveable and affectionate, but not now anymore.

I'm thinking my love life is getting pretty pathetic since I have to hire hookers now to sleep with who are hot. I can't seem to get hot girls on my own because they're never single.		  
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response to her letter   
09:21pm 08/06/2003
  I can't respond to her diary because she doesn't know i'm reading it and wouldn't want a response from me. But there's things I want to say to her to respond and this is my outlet.


honey,
i know how you feel. you have every right to feel bad and i know some of the things you want to kill yourself over seem not that big of a deal to most people but they mean enough to you. To not get the basic things out of life that you require, seems like a crime and why live life if you can't just get that. I'm glad that you're telling your mom about what's going on. She seems like she really cares. I'm sorry you're cutting yourself again on your thighs. I wish you wouldn't do that. But I guess it's better then you cutting your wrists. Sometimes I wonder if you're going to live to my age. I hope that you do. But I know you've had it bad for many years now. I don't know how one like yourself can shake it. I look at pictures of you and I see how happy I made you before; your smiling face and your laugh and I wish I could do that for you again, but I know it will never happen again and that you hate me and all men. It's too bad you aren't able to see that you must do some of the changing and aren't able to do it. And that you are so judgemental. for all reasons that weren't enough and none of the reasons that count did you make me happy. In a very simple relationship that requires no talking you made me happy. your kisses, your touch, your I LOVE YOU'S and YOU SMELL SO GOOD, and YOU'RE SO CUTE, held me. I miss kissing you when we met at the door. No one's ever matched you since. Well, I hope you go home to CA to your parents because it seems like it's getting worse out in NY for you by yourself with no physical support. But I know you wish you could make it happen out there. i just don't know what to do with you. but i hope someone can help you. thank you again for introducing yourslef. sending your cute picture and doing all the things we did together. i love you always Claire.		  
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Tears for her   
07:52pm 05/04/2003
  I don't think i've ever shed tears for her until now, 6 months later. In watching a movie that was filmed in NY, where she is, it made me think of her. I started thinking of buying one of those dogs that she loves and taking it for a walk in central park and bumping into her. I could find out when she is going there and arrange it all. Why do these plans always feel one sided? Something in me believes she feels the same way, like we used to. there's no way she can feel different. We could feel each other inside. But if that's the case, why is she avoiding me so much? My mind keeps telling me I HAVE to drop her. And I do want to do that. That is my intention. Then these thoughts force their way into my mind of ways of gettting her back. I just want to know where they come from. Who is putting those thoughts in my head. It's not what I choose. It has to be something bigger than me. It's like I'm thinking one way and that's it, and then these thoughts get injected into me from without. It really feels like someone else has the number to my heart strings. I am emotionally unavailable to anyone else as long as this keeps happening. It's not fair. How am I supposed to move on? and give my all to someone else when she's still on my mind? I so desperately want her off my mind. All I can feel is moving to NY, being with her is the right thing to do. I love NYC. But, I can foresee the fates forcing us together. She wants to stay in NY for summer, but she doesn't know if it's going to happen yet. I would tend to say that we're supposed to meet if she comes back home to CA. It's like someone else is orchestrating all this to get us together, like we belong. damn, what is the name of that kind of dog she likes?
i love her.		  
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The End of Her?   
08:01pm 31/03/2003
  Ok, I have decided to not pursue her anymore. I had a burst of common sense and thought that she doesn't treat me how I deserve to be treated. We had our time and it's time for me to move on.  
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Full Assault   
05:34pm 26/03/2003
 
mood: determined
I'm forging ahead with a plan to get Claire back. I talked with a friend today and she thinks I should take one fell swoop at her for about a month barraging her with gifts and notes and if she doesn't respond in that time, then I will stop. Wish me luck.		  
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She's exciting   
07:44pm 24/03/2003
  Everytime Claire writes an entry in her diary, I get so excited, like my favorite tv show is about to come on! I can't wait to see what she says, even if it's very depressing, I can't seem to get enough of that woman. I always think of her, like she is going to be in my life forever. Right now she won't even let me talk to her, but i'll leave it to God to do the rest. Somehow, someway I am going to be with that girl again. Youjust wait.  
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Claire   
06:14pm 22/03/2003
 
mood: thoughtful
music: Jeff Buckley
I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I can't fall in love with anyone else like I did her. She introduced me to movies and music that I love, and I only wish I could share it with her now. To spend time with her and see her beautiful face would make my heart flutter. But she doesn't want to see me. I sometimes think of the idea that I will go on loving her forever and keep checking in with her to see if she will have me back someday. Even though she is a pain in the ass, not too talkative, depressed, angry at the world, I still love her and I can't help it, and I'm the opposite of her. I analyze myself, and I think why? maybe it's interesting and challenging. I miss her sniffing my neck. I miss her Japanese look. I miss hearing her say "I love you sooo much". Now she hates me, but she can't not love me anymore because she has hate. Hate comes from love. I was going to go to a show tonight that she will be at and just stand afar and stare at her. It's been 6 months. But, I guess that would be like stalking, and weird voyeurism. I told her I was thinking of going though, so she knows I might be there. She said as long as I stay far far away it should be fine. But the show is 2 hours away from me, so maybe I won't do it. I should just go and promote my own show. Why can't she forgive me and come back to me. I'm nothing but nice to her. Maybe I'm too available. She doesn't even have time to think about me. I miss her, and I don't think I'll get over her. I love her.		  
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Introduction   
05:50pm 11/03/2003
 
mood: calm
music: none, but usually there is
Hi, this is a very complicated site to alter if you aren't into HTML and stuff. I've seen some pretty cool sites, but I don't think I can make mine like that. I thought it would be just selecting from some preselected stuff. Oh well. This boring look will have to do.

So, I'm a pop singer/songwriter guitarist in my own 3 piece power pop band. We play out and have an album and stuff. But, I don't do it for a living, so I have my day job in the mortgage business.

Right now, I'm single and I just got out of serious relationship. I'm not really looking but of course I would like to have sex.

Oh ya, this isn't an ad, it's a journal.

Anyways, i'm a huge supporter of indie power pop music. I buy the cd's, the shirts, go to the shows. I love seeing shows and all of it.

I definitely love movies. Mostly romantic/comedies, but my favorite movie is The Professional by director Luc Besson. I even love his most recent movie Wasabi with Jean Reno in it.

That's basically me.		  
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popsongwriter