And that was my trip. Ta-da!

Anyway I suppose I should update people on my life. Why? Because what else are plain old journal entries for if not to ramble endlessly on about one's life and all of the moments contained therein. OK.

Chapter 1 - The Decision

I decided to quit school. I have pretty much personally told everyone whom I talk to on a regular basis already, but I might as well get the word out now. It's official, I am no longer a student. I know that the stigma attached with quitting school dictates that I am a loser, doomed to fail in life, irresponsible, irrational, et cetera. However, I would hope that those who know me best would attest otherwise. First of all, some background: I am (in general) a good student. My current GPA is 3.55 and I've only ever failed one class EVER (Calc 2). I had (this semester included) 3 semesters left before I graduate. My major was accounting. Of course, all of my teachers, classmates, bosses (I have 2 jobs) are confused as to why someone with "so much potential" would quit school. Well there are a few reasons, I'll list them here:

1) School isn't about learning. It's about making connections and parroting back what the teacher says instead of forming your own ideas and opinions. Basically I'm tired of being taught that different is wrong or not being taught at all.
2) School is the most stressful thing anyone can ever do. There's not much that needs to be explained if you're a student, but in case you aren't I'll provide an explanation. More often than not, a teacher will give you an ungodly amount of work to do due at a barely attainable date and then once you turn it all in decide that 'Wow, that's an awful lot to grade. I think only this part and that part will count.' So you do all of this work that doesn't even get graded or count because the teacher's eyes were bigger than his(her) stomach. That's just one example but there are many others and equally horrific and frustrating.
3) I don't really want to become an accountant. I'm only 3 semesters away from a degree in a career, I have no more interest in than beekeeping (which is none.). It's hard to maintain good grades and stay interested in your classes when YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN THEM.
4) In my case, it's a waste of time and money. See reason #3.

I don't really feel the need to list other reasons, though I'm sure there are more. My list somehow seemed fuller when it was just in my head. On paper (ha ha ha) it seems pretty weak. However long story short, I hate(d) school and I don't want to do it anymore. My parents and close friends are supportive and understand my decision/reasons. That's all I really need/want anyway.

Chapter 2 - What am I gonna do now?

Well I actually had plans for after I finished school (none of which had anything to do with accounting), and I'm doing my best to attain them. Some of the goals I'm planning out/executing are:

a) getting married
b) becoming a permanent resident/citizen of Canada
     i. Quebec
     ii. Montreal specifically
c) job attainment
d) getting an apartment or other suitable place to live
e) pay back student loans

Some of these goals are interdependent, so I'm trying to take it one step at a time. I'm leaving for Montreal Saturday morning so that Anthony and I can start making these things happen. Hopefully everything will go off hitchless, but I'll worry about problems as they surface.

Chapter 3 - Any questions?

I really don't know what else to say, I know everyone is confused and scared for me, but you really shouldn't be. I'm not an idiot, I'd be insulted if I knew that people thought I can't take care of myself. I don't plan on being stagnant or jobless or anything. These decisions are not rash and ill-advised. I have put a lot of thought into this and it only seems spontaneous and spur of the moment because the deliberation was internal (except in the instance of Anthony). At any rate, I'm fairly certain all of my friends will understand and wish me the best of luck because I'm selective about my friends and as such try not to choose crappy ones on purpose. So if you're reading this (as I'm sure only my friends will), well done, you! I'm going to stop writing now because what seemed like a good idea 30 minutes ago is becoming lost on me. Good luck to you.

     "The coffee table is our home's purgatory, the halfway point for everything eaten or worn or broken. It is covered with papers and books, two plastic plates, a half-dozen dirty utensils, an opened Rice Krispie bar, and a Styrofoam container containing french fries that last night one of us decided were "too thick and squishy" and were left uneaten. There is a package of pretzels that has been opened by the one person in the house who can't open bags properly and so cuts holes in the middle with steak knives. There are at least four basketballs in the room, eight lacrosse balls, a skateboard, two backpacks, and a suitcase, still partially packed, which has not moved in four months. Next to the couch, on the floor, are three glasses that once held milk and now hold its hardened remains. The family room and its perpetual state of disrepair is the problem that we are attempting to resolve.
     I have just delivered a State of the Family Room Address, sweeping in scope, visionary in strategy, inspirational to one and all, and the issue has now moved to committee. And though the committee has been looking at it from many angles, addressing matters of both the provenance of the various elements of its unkemptness and matters of precisely who would be best suited to carry out the committee's recommendations, we are stalemated, solution-wise.
     'But it's mostly your stuff,' he says.
     He's right.
     'Immaterial!' I say.
     Early in the negotiations, I, the senior committee member, had proposed a plan whereby the junior committee member, Toph, being young and in need of valuable life lessons and no doubt eager to prove his mettle to his peers, would clean the living room not only this time, but also on a regular basis, perhaps twice a week, in exchange for not only $2 a week in tax-free allowance, but also the guarantee that if all expressed duties are performed satisfactorily and on time, he will not be beaten senseless in his sleep by the senior committee member. The junior committee member, insolent and obviously lacking both good sense and any notion of bipartisanship, does not like this plan. He dismisses it out of hand.
     'No way' is what he said.
     However, with great charity and in the spirit of compromise, the senior member immediately proposed an altered plan, a generous plan whereby Toph, being so wonderfully youthful and in need of diversion and exercise, would clean the house on a regular basis, now only once a week instead of twice, in exchange for not $2 but now $3($3!) a week in tax-free allowance, and along with the guarantee that if all such cleaning duties are performed satisfactorily and on time, the junior committee member will not be buried to his neck in the backyard and left helpless, able only to scream as hungry dogs tear the flesh from his head. Again, showing how bullheaded and shortsighted he can be, Toph passes on the proposal, this time without comment - only a roll of the eyes - and his refusal to consider any reasonable plan at all is what prompts the charged exchange detailed previously which continues presently:
     'You know how much you suck?' I ask Toph.
     'No, how much?' he answers, feigning boredom.
     'A lot,' I say.
     'Oh, that much?'"

If you found that passage funny/interesting/reading-worthy then I implore you to go out and buy a copy (and read it as well!) or if you haven't the necessary funds, make a trip to your local library and check it out. But you don't have to take MY word for it.

that was a conversation i had with someone today....i hate feeling this way and having to worry about EVERYTHING and feel all inadequate and overwhelmed and lost and to make things worse LONELY...i'm so alone here...it's the absolute most terrible thing ever. i wish i could just do what makes me happy.

good news:

- leaving for canada tomorrow
- had a semi-easy week
- i get to see my boyfriend soon

bad news:

- i'm sick
- anthony could catch it
- right now my boyfriend isn't so happy with me
- have a midterm tomorrow morning

what does all this mean? i have no idea...it's just a good/bad list of what's going on in my life right now. i should be really excited about leaving tomorrow, but i feel like crap and i'm scared my boyfriend won't even be so happy to see me/i might piss him off. :C oh well. here's hopin'.

WoW. I just found out Rowan has an anime club!!! how cool is that? so much i think! haha i want to join!!! i hope there are more than like 3 members...I can just picture it there are like 3 guys who know each other really well and i go and they're just like ummm... haha i never seem to fit in...oh wellllll i'm still going! as long as we get to watch anime hehe

on a crappy note, i'm at work right now...it's not so bad...i'm supposed to be studying for a test. er quiz. i'm taking my woman pills as Anthony calls them...they're these vitamin and mineral supplement pills that are designed to supply the nutrients that are most susceptible to loss and poor utilization in women. neat eh? im hoping that it will make me healthier. oh well, i guess i've got nothing (new or interesting) to say. bye!

Just a little article that I thought some of you people might find interesting. I happen to find marijuana very pleasant and it's my opinion that the government should allow people to decide for themselves how to live their life (for example, alcohol is legal for certain ages in most situations...not driving for example but it's allowed to be used if used responsibly). I'm just trying to spread the word so people might look at it a little differently.

Apparently they're just regular eyes but up close they look so amazing. Anyway you should just see for yourself.

( click here for photos )

hopefully you'll think that's as amazing and hauntingly beautiful as I do.

i love you so much that i hate myself

Anthony: I feel like I was dragged behind a roller coaster for 3 hours
Sharon: that's how everyone feels with me

my heart hurts for real now.

the nights it blindsides me from nowhere, hurt the most.

Sharon: i don't even feel like lying to myself tonight
Anthony: You're only making sense to yourself right now
Sharon: probably
Sharon: but what am i supposed to do?
Sharon: i already know only i understand myself
Anthony: I dunno but why are you being like this towards me?
Sharon: im not being anything towards you
Sharon: im just being
Sharon: and im being like this because its how i feel right now at this moment
Sharon: i can't always acquiesce
Sharon: or even spell it

i fucking hate apathy. and i hate myself.

journal.