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[01 Nov 2006|10:12am]
I hate how sometimes I can be such a girl. I wish I could just take things as they came and not over analyze every little thing guys say and do.

Deep down I know that the right thing is just to trust and wait for the right one. Right now this feels like the most difficult thing ever. Its not easy to resist temptations....
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South Korea [12 Oct 2006|09:59pm]
You can read about my adventures at :
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life wont be the same without you. [16 Aug 2006|01:52am]
tonight the teashop gave kate and i a goodbye party at MK's. they had a huge spread of food and drinks, fire with smores and lots of music. we danced around the fire just like it was the christmas party. they made me the sweetest card and got me gifts that are exactly me. a cool bag with french writing on it and a book on Seoul. i like gifts that i'd actually use :)

we laughed until our faces and stomachs hurt. i love that we can be so open and ourselves with them. there is never a dull moment and i'm going to miss them so much. they're my waterloo family. i don't know what i would have done these past two years if it weren't for them. any time i was sad or upset about something they'd know right away. they always knew the best thing to say to me to make me feel better. and what other job would i feel as ease enough to shake my JLo or make a chewbacca call or lipsync all the lyrics to madonna or usher or 50 cent?? they supported me by coming to all my art shows and were always wanting to know how my crit went or if i had fun at each of the weddings i went to. they remember the little details that are important to me.

its funny how looking back on the day i was told that i got the job i just knew that it was right. something felt so good about it. it has been the best working experience i have ever been apart of. it breaks my heart to leave.
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ending my time in waterloo [15 Aug 2006|01:19am]
this is my last few days living in waterloo. its the strangest feeling. i'm trying not to get too emotional over it. instead of thinking about what i'm leaving i'm trying my best to be excited about where i'm going and what im going to experience.

its hard though. saying goodbye to the teashopers. i have the next 3 days completely filled with saying goodbye to friends. although i've been saying that its not goodbye. (i'll be back in september before i leave to say gb) part of me just wants to leave here and not come back to say goodbye. i don't do well with goodbyes. i makes me feel sad and sort of sickish for a few days afterwards.

there are so many good and exciting things coming up in the next two months. its best to focus on that and to just have a good time. i get the honour to be in two weddings of some of my best friends. that is a great ending to my time here for the next little while.

its weird thinking about "leaving". i'm leaving for a little while. i guess some people see a year as a really long time. its not like i'm never going to be back! i feel that in a year i'll just be getting used to things. i'll just be getting the hang of how things are in korea.

as for right now there are a million and one things to do. right now i have to think about packing up the million and one things i've accumulated over the past two years. why do i have all this stuff?! how did i get so much stuff!? i hate the feeling of knowing that ihave to fit everything i'm going to need for the year in two suitcases. that includes all winter clothing. sigh. i better get back to it.
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this is a rant , so look out. [10 Aug 2006|11:20am]
why is it that the girls who have already found someone who loves them and wants to be with them more than anything are able to have the attention of every other boy too??? girls. enough. stop you're flirting and teasing. its not attractive (well i guess it must be otherwise no one would be interested) but really, why can't they be content that they have found love. if i had a boyfriend, i wouldn't batt my eyes at anyone else. i wouldn't touch random guys' arms and i wouldn't giggle at their lame jokes. i wouldn't even notice them.

and another thing. since we're on the subject. i hate that since i'm single i often get left out of things just because i'm single. i'm sick of dinners and double dates that only married or engaged people are invited to. its like all of a sudden, you're married so you can only relate to other people who are married? i know that i'm enough on my own. i don't need a "better" half to be more fun or interesting.

ok, so maybe this is just about me being seceretly bitter. (i know that thats what people will think if anyone reads this) but i don't feel bitter. i don't sit at home wishing that i had a boyfriend or that i, too, was getting married like everyone else. if that were true then i'd go out and get a boyfriend. i know where people go to get them. i know how it happens. but i want it to be natural, and at the right time. that is clearly not now.

so, to the flirty girls. remember what you have and be thankful for it. don't go wondering "what if". have eyes for him only. as for the marrieds- don't ignore me just because i'm single. and if you're only going to hang out with me when your other couple friends are busy, then don't even bother, but at least have the decency to tell me that you'd rather hang out with more than one person at a time. you are, after all so much more busy now that there are two of you.
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[23 Jul 2006|12:48am]
i'm getting really anxious to move onto the next thing. i think this happens most of the time when i know a big change is going to happen. one month before leaving a job i can't stand it anymore. even bubble tea is getting annoying fast. (and i thought i'd always love working there....don't get me wrong, i don't hate it, i'm just tired of the same old thing) i just dont have the patience right now. i'm so excited to do something fresh. there are still so many things that need to be finished before i can leave though. i know i need to focus on everything that is going to happen before october. its just so hard.
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the exhibition. [10 Jul 2006|04:52pm]
well the show is over. it was a good time. the weather was fantastic, i had a great spot, lots of friends came out to support me (dispite some of them already seeing my work at multiple other shows-i love you guys and i appretiate you so much!) i sold 5 paintings AND recieved an award. it was more than i expected and i was shocked. the judges said some encouraging things and the interesting thing was that everything they said was right on par with what my proffessors were saying about my work. (my sushi work has promise and if i keep going in that direction good things could happen.)

i feel like this is a good start. there are a lot of things that i can't compete with/don't want to try to compete with. (the art world is an interesting one.) but i feel that if i keep doing what I want to do, then it will be alright.

if you want to check out the catalogue there is listed next to each person who won an award.
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Scam Artists and Artists. [26 Jun 2006|12:42pm]
So my email address is up on the Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition website for people to get in touch with me.

I've been getting these emails from people asking me to purchase my painting that is listed. The first one I got I was shocked (i hate the painting that they put on the site) but was like "cool, i'll get rid of it if someone really wants it!" She asked to see some other work and said that she needs art ASAP. It didn't occur to me that people would scam us this way, but I guess scams are everywhere. Today i got another email from someone else saying that he just bought a home in the UK and needs my art work to decorate. hahaha. AND he has a shipping company so he can get them to send everything to him.

Apparently if you allow a wire transfer into your bank account they can still rip you off somehow. The second guy said that he'd wire transfer the money. I guess other artists on the site have been recieving similar emails requests because the TOAE sent out an email warning us not to get scammed.

This is crap. How am i to tell the difference between someone who is legitamately interested and scam artists?
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[24 Jun 2006|08:01pm]
things are going so well. i'm loving my course. i can't believe its over tomorrow. the time has just flown by. and i've actually learned a lot. i feel so much more prepaired for what is to come this fall. i'm SO excited. i haven't felt this way about something in a long time. i don't want to say that i'm going somewhere for sure just yet. i haven't even began applying to jobs, but i have been asking a million questions and prepairing myself for something big in september. its amazing how the way you feel about something can change so quickly. a lot of people are shocked to hear what i'm beginning to plan, but it feels right. i can't just wait around here for something that i don't even know what i want.
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its finished. [16 Jun 2006|05:11pm]
yesterday was my convocation. i hadn't been planning on going until Lauren became valedictorian. for me my big graduation event was our final exhibition. that was when everyone important to me came out in support. thats what i thought everything lead up to.

yesterday i felt differently than i had expected to. here i was with 600 others who were getting the same degree. i thought i wouldnt care who did what and where everyone was headed next. i was wrong. i felt this sense of excitement just in putting on that silly robe and being hooded by some important old man who i had never met before. i looked around and saw my professors, my parents and friends who were so excited about this moment and i realised that this is a big deal.

it hit me that this is it. i spent 5 years working towards something and i completed it...with honours. i don't know exactly how much i learned and i feel like i won't ever really understand how my time at Waterloo affected me, but i feel good. my dad kept saying that i'm the first person in the family to get a university degree. i guess thats cool. i wonder if matters that this degree is a BA in FINE ARTS and not math or engineering. haha.

Lauren's valedictory was great. i felt so proud of her. she left us feeling excited for the future and not scared because we've just graduated in arts. we are flexible and really can do anything. she made a few references to things only us art students would understand. (and to me for that matter. something along the lines of learning so much from talking with friends at the studio in the wee hours of the morning) i think the whole FA faculty was beaming. Art Green said "it was a barn burner of a speech". haha.

i'm going to miss this place so much.
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thinking [10 Jun 2006|07:00pm]
today was the first day of my teaching english course. it was pretty good. the teacher is great. she knows what she's doing and i feel like shes giving us really good ideas/tips for what i'm planning on doing. its just beginning to hit me that in 3 months i will be somewhere completely new. and more than likely somewhere that i never expected to go to. for a long time i had france and only france in my mind. i knew that i wanted to go back, that i wanted to keep learning french. now i'm not sure if i have to do it right away. i know that its going to be REALLY difficult for me to get over there and i simply don't feel like going through all the difficulities of getting a visa, place to live etc etc. there are other places that make it really easy for us. everything is set up. housing, flight, job, internet and the pay is fantastic. i've heard only good things. the only thing is that i'm going to have to step far out of my comfort zone. its really scaring me right now, but i think i just need to do it. there are various reasons for me to stay in waterloo or stouffville area, but they're not enough to keep me there right now. i need to get this itch to do something new out of me before settling down. asia seems to be stepping up in my mind. nothing is for sure. it seems that these days i can't make up my mind about anything. one day i'm set on doing one thing and the next i'm exctied about something completely different.

i did however get the job teaching english in Quebec. i'm going to turn it down. they're needing me to be there for august 25th. i can't miss two very important weddings that i've already committed to just so that i can go for training for this job. it just doesn't feel right. even if they said that i could come later, i don't think its for me afterall.
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triste [08 Jun 2006|06:42pm]
my trip to florida was good. i had a nice time. the weather was nice. i did some nice things. nice nice nice. for some reason vacations like that always leave me feeling empty.

maybe i'm just over tired from the 24 hour straight driving to get back. maybe i'm just beginning to get worried about upcoming stuff that needs to be done. maybe its the fact that its my birthday and no one remembered without me having to tell them. but this is the saddest day i've experienced in a long time.

there are so many things that i want to say, but i've forgotten how to let them out.
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sick [20 May 2006|02:43am]
i'm tired of hearing about gushy-mushy relationship stuff. give us single people a break!!
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The Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition [03 May 2006|12:59am]
I have been accepted to the Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition!!!! For those of you who don't know what this is and you're curious you can check it out here: . Its happening July 7th, 8th and 9th at Nathan Phillips Square. I'm so pumped.

The downfall of it is that July 7th is also the day that my cousin is getting married. very bad timing. i have to somehow be in two places at once. ugh.
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do you see the look of surprise on my face? [06 Apr 2006|05:59pm]
yesterday was our final crit. i was looking forward to it, as we hadn't had one crit all semester. i was curious to know what the grad students thought about my new work. i always take what people have to say into consideration (it was people's opinions that helped me to make the move that i had this semester). i'm not saying that i do exactly what they tell me to, but if someone who knows more than i do thinks that something is not working to some degree, then i'd like to know that and find ways to fix it so my work is overall improving and changing.

there is one grad student who seems to know what he's talking about. he has never been to one of our crits, so i was glad that he was there to get fresh imput. he's the type that doesn't prance around an issue. if he thinks something, he says it, more or less. a lot of people in the class don't really like him for this reason, but i value what he has to say.

i wasn't expecting what he said about my stuff. he likes my other paintings better (!) yes, the photo realistic ones that everyone had been on my case about for the first semester. everyone had been saying that they were "nice and all, but they didn't really do that much...kind of a had been done before...i needed to make them my own somehow...they're clinical...boring...etc etc etc". i began to see what everyone was seeing and realized that i wasn't completely happy with what i was doing. i knew that i needed to push myself further and find a way to dig deeper. i thought about it constantly and when it came to me and i started working on the sushi series i felt good about it. i felt like i was moving forward with a body of work that ment more, not only to myself, but also as an art piece. everyone who was talking to me about the work said the same about it. the profs were happy with the change and were very encouraging. so back to the grad student. i guess i had quite a shocked look on my face when he said that he liked the old stuff better. i didn't know what to say other than "WHERE WERE YOU DURING ALL THE OTHER CRITS!?" everyone laughed because they knew exactly what i ment. now, i'm not saying that i want everyone to sugar coat things for me and tell me that they like my work and its pretty and whatnot. its just too hillarious that he had never been to one crit (so i didnt even know that he had seen my previous work) but he comes to this one to say that i shouldn't have made this move. the thing is, even if he had been to other crits, there still would have been something he wouldn't have liked and he probably would have said the same thing that everyone else was saying to me all along. its like he prefered my controlled and clean way of handling the paint before rather than my looser, more painterly stroke now. i think its just his personal preferance, but it still makes me think.

today i was talking to another grad student and a staff member who had talked to greg about the crit. as it turns out both of them prefered my old paintings too. i love it. i just wish that we could say things to people without them being offended. in this kind of community that is what should be happening, if we want to improve. but i'm sure that they didnt say anything because i was excited about my new work and i thought it was moving forward. the thing is that i wouldn't be offended. i WANT to know the truth. how else will i improve? i have to listen to everyone's opinions and then make my choices from there. it just goes to show me that no matter what i do i'm going to have people that like and dislike my work. its just how it is. i'm glad about that. i want to have conversations about art. i want to be developing and evolving, not just producing the same cookie-cut paintings over and over again.

i'm scared about the future, but i'm glad that i have this to take with me as i leave waterloo's fine arts department. i know that this can be applied to everything i do. i just need to keep it in mind.
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the graduation exhibition and other thoughts. [03 Apr 2006|06:41pm]
i just want to thank everyone who came out to my graduation show opening night. i was so happy with how many people came out to show their support. it went really well. it was a bit overwhelming at times, but its nice to know that people care.

it was an emotional time. of course. i just about lost it when lauren started crying while giving her speech for Art at his good-bye party. like she said...its crazy to think that the way that we're feeling is probably only one one hundredth of the sadness/loss he is experiencing. he worked here for more than 20 years. his friends, his students, his collegues are here. this is what he knows. how do you just say goodbye to that? i can't even begin to imagine.

right now i've just been in a daze of trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this segment of life is over. after this week i wont be going to the studio anymore. today i set up my space and left a letter for the facutly to read when they come around to decide on a grade for us. my space is so empty.

i've been trying not to think about things that i regret doing/not doing too much. whats done is done, and overall i'm pretty happy. i don't know where a fine arts degree is going to get me, but i know that i had to do something that i loved. i couldn't imagine dreading going to school each day. and i have lots of paintings to show for my hard work. its nice to be able to share that with people.

my professor, Paul keeps saying to me that i have to keep painting. he's been giving me pep talks for the past 2 weeks. its a little strange. i dont know if its because he sees that i'm the type of person to just get wrapped up in day to day life and will forget about this thing that i'm so excited about right now...or maybe he actually sees something in my work and really wants me to pursue it. its so scary thinking about going out to find a real studio, applying to shows and just being an artist outside of school. i've been babied. i get told when there are calls for submissions to shows. i am reminded of deadlines and things that need to be done. but now i'm out on my own. sometimes i think to myself "its fine...i can do this" but then the other side is like "noooo way...this is too much for you. you don't know what you're doing." it sounds negative, but i can't help it. wow what a beautiful mess.

i feel like i need to decide one way or another if i'm going to go in the direction of art or french. do i go somewhere that i can improve my french? do i stick around here and try to get into an arts community? i know it doesn't have to be one or the other, but i feel like i need to focus on one for now....
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coming to terms with reality. [25 Mar 2006|02:17am]
humm. i'm beginning to get emotional about this whole graduation thing. i read lauren's valedictorian speech and actually teared up! i was just sitting in my studio trying to not let this get out of control. now i'm thinking that if i was this affected right now, how am i going to hold it together at our graduation exhibition? its just so weird to know that in two weeks i'm finished here. i can't just go into my studio and work on my sushi paintings when i feel like it anymore. i won't get to see lauren, jenal and leah everyday. i won't be annoyed with annoying people anymore, and i won't get to hear Art Green's fabulous stories of the past. i won't get to snicker at the blonde booby-lisous girls that follow niall around. no more hanging from a fishing line or wasting oodles of precious time dancing, singing and laughing. no more plaza breaks with friends. no more thought provoking conversation about art and life with whoever is around this is the end of an era. i'm going to miss this place so much. i have learned a lot. this has been a fantastic year.
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rejected [18 Mar 2006|02:27am]
so i was rejected from a juried show that i applied to at the John A. Baird gallery in Toronto. rejection stinks, but its not the end of the world. its just hard when you put yourself out there and people just don't like/understand/appretiate what you spend so much time on. i wish i had a chance to explain myself and why i thought my piece would fit into the theme. ah well...i guess now i can fully concentrate on getting everything done for my graduation exhibition, instead of spending time on that.
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SOLD! [16 Mar 2006|11:15am]
i sold "4 for 2 Tuesdays" yesterday. a couple came into the teashop a few weeks ago and were looking at my paintings. she liked one, and he wanted the other one. 3 days ago he emails me about purchasing the one that she wanted for her birthday. it all happened so fast. i named my price, he named his. we worked it out. we talked for maybe a minute and then he was like "well i really want to surprise her and this is what she wants so if you're willing to sell it now i'll go to the bank and get you the money." DONE. just like that. wow. its exciting. i'm happy to have sold something to someone who is a stranger. i've sold my work before, but its always been to friends.

its a little sad though. in a way like selling my baby. its something i've put a lot into and is a little part of me (or a least a little part of this year) and to just see it go makes me uneasy. but i know that this is just the beginning and as i sell more works it will get easier and easier. a prof said to me that once you start really getting a lot of work building up and you have no where to put it you'll be dying for people to take them away so you have more room to make more work. its true...especially if after this year i'm not going to have any real home to hang them in. i have to find new homes for them so they're not just sitting in my moms basement.

so....anyone want to buy one of them...
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another one bites the dust. [12 Mar 2006|02:30am]
this weekend was a whirlwind of events. after class lorri came to pick me up. we headed to their new house in baden (its beautiful and so exciting!!!) we got chris, dresses and other essentials for the wedding. then we headed to le bifteck to drop chris at the bachelor party. finally we headed to funky thai for sarah's bachelorette. such good food! (although it was a sketchy place in the middle of nowhere next to a gas station and thats it) it was nice to meet the girls in her wedding party before the big day to get to know them a bit.

after dinner we headed to walmart to make sarah do embarassing things to get points to recieve her basket of special "goodies" for the wedding night (you get the idea) she had to pluck a stranger's chest hair, get am employee to write "i love billy" on her bottom, ask for condoms from a random customer, swing her bra above her head (amongst other things) she was a good sport about it and she actually spiced it up a bit...i can't say exactly what she did, but it was good to say the least!

after going back to her place and stressing about final details and the next day we headed to bed way too late.

the next morning was crazy. i'm not generally a person that gets stressed out about things like this, but all the craziness that was going on around me made me get panicky! of course every thing was fine. the ceremony was beautiful and perfect for who sarah and billy are. it was really nice. i didn't know that many people (other than the wedding party) so i was super happy when i saw chuck and christine lim. it was good to catch up with both of them. with all these people hooking up and finding happiness with a significant other, it was nice to be around some other single girls who are doing alright just where they're at (like like yours truly).

during the ceremony i usually feel happy and cry a bit, but also i feel down about being single and wondering if i will ever find love. i know it sounds overly dramatic and emo, but i think that the thought crosses everyone's minds during weddings. this time was different. i was filled with this sense of peace. this wave of calm excitment washed over my body in just knowing that God has the perfect one for me....that one day its going to be me up there promising my love to my husband. it was an amazing feeling that i want to hold on to. it sounds llike something that you'd think i'd just know...but there have always been so many doubts in my head. i go over and over what i'm doing wrong and why/how i can still be single. but the fact of the matter is that its just not the right time. and when it is its going to be pefectly beautiful (and i don't think of it as pefect in the sense of no problems, but perfect in the way that its God's gift at the planned time.) that is something to celebrate.

after the dancing, lorri, chris and i went to joy's place. i love those three so much. we had such good conversations about everything and anything. chris sat down with joy and i and gave us a bit of male perspective on love and life. man those heavy conversations at 3am are something to be treasured.

the next day we slept in, had more lounging and talking about the day that we were all so glad was over. we then went out for brunch with joy's parents. they're amazing people. i have never met anyone like them before. they're so loving, positive and gave us much needed perspective on things that were bugging us. after that we headed to two different malls and i still wasn't able to find one single thing for my opening in a few weeks. ah well....not a big deal.

once i got back to waterloo i headed out to see a really crappy movie (failure to launch) with jocelyn, conner and michelle. i love those kids. they keep things interesting. and even though i don't exactly love hanging out at work, they really wanted bbt. so we went. it was akward. of course there were a bunch of people that they knew (and didnt want to see...ex boyfriends....drunk goth wierdos who didn't know when to quiet down...etc etc).

it was a good weekend. i'm glad its over now, to be honest. there is just so much work that needs to be done and barely any time to do it. (story of my life).

for now i rest. xoxox
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