Ken's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-05-29 12:15
Subject:good lord
Security:Public

think i got a place, worked out cheep rent for house repairs and painting..yay! but the lady is SO hard to get ahold of. got a temp place just in case tho. im looking forward to the option of living in the 17th & union house, large back yard, living and family room, very retro..well see. have to move tomorrow.....omg.....K

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Date:2004-05-26 00:04
Subject:holy shit!
Security:Public

my god man....think i found a place to live....working hard for things to be good in the future. but still kinda lost.. been having sufficating panic attacks lately... cant breath. crazy ness. K

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Date:2004-04-08 00:41
Subject:i need just a little more time....silence....
Security:Public

been a busy past couple of weeks. started dating david, casino, car , etc. david is confusing. for one he doesnt know what he wants, and complains that when hes around me he has no real thoughts, and if he does, they are "weird". humm.. he said he needed space, friends, and something else too, so ive agreed to do that. thinking that he isant good for me, drinking several times a week, and using recreational drugs. ick...mmmmm..lol besides im working a hell of alot now, 6 days a week. omg i cant type.. since my car loan didnt go thur, due to 4 past due bills ive somehow forgotten about,,ooops...harry loaned me 6gs to take car of the new car and insurance. cool. once i pay up the past due bills ill take out a 2 g loan to pay him back some and to build credit. good news i had planned on getting the car this week, and friday is the day. yay! im excited. altho im still un sure about the bay cottage this summer, i have bugeted rent here at joes just in case. work is ok. i learned today that im suppost to be getting 8.50 h but the supervisor above me wouldnt allow it, what the fuck.. i also got into 2 tiffs today with high horse servers. being ordered around and belittled. do this, after calling me from my break, AFTER close. ?? and suggesting that i was ill brained and " only a dishwasher". that pissed me off only because she wouldnt even listen to what i had to say, and the other server, the 1st ones aunt, i asked her to not call me from my break again, and they both ganged up on me. im not worried, but i am going to get a job description and check into the HR pay rate for dishbitch. should have monday off, i plan on taking advantage of the new car and enjoy some alone time for the most part. amanda had suggested on going to manistee etc, but cash is tight right now, and it all depends on the weather. im also not going to tell my mom about the new car until she asks. only cause hearing her voice the other day about made me go postal. ......... anyhow the cat is doing better, seems he was punctured or bitten, etc. healing up quite well. i wonder if i can have a cat on the bay?? need to smoke, and shower. busy day tomorrow, getting insurance and checking on my credit , and filling out papers for direct deposit... until next time kids......leno

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Date:2004-03-27 02:30
Subject:being ignored
Security:Public

i wonder if david is pushing me away? if feels like it one moment, and like hes pulling me closer the next. what the fuck. thomas is done. hasnt returned my call from last week. o well. feel like he has the upper hand tho. i feel like i need the last word. humm. very interesting dream lastnight. had met my soul mate/ best friend. a guy. was suppost to meet him at the play ground @ my old elementary school. for some reason i remember looking towards where we were suppost to meet up. ended up waking up to early. sad. the song from donnie darko . i listen to it every day so far, when i get up. its horribly depressing. makes me tear up at several parts. dreaming of dying, happy birthday, etc. yeah. been in a sullen mood. think its the hash. super tired, but awake. working 6 days a week. wondering about the beach house with bobbi jo. would like to know whats going on with that- so i know weather to get my hopes up or not. getting 50 cents less that what i was told i would get from the casino. what the fuck. drove to the beach house to time out how long it would take to get to work. about 11 minutes. cool. feeling isolated , lonely, gittery. humm.. too much mt dew? K

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Date:2004-03-22 23:13
Subject:monday march 22nd.
Security:Public

what an eventful birthday yesterday. the days prior werent very good. tossing the ideas that ive wasted yet another year, david, car, money, etc. the fun started when the wine was opened. i guess i just needed to let good , release some. not to mention i vomited 3 or 4 times, my choice, i needed to or else the party would have ended. smoked some that david brought, ate cake and was merry. the girls left around 6 ish. david and i didnt get up till around 3. i ate some and was going to be productive but decide to relax and cat nap with kitten. things to do tomorrow. getting to bed soon. thanks for another year, many more to come. K

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Date:2004-03-17 03:36
Subject:tuesday never ends.
Security:Public

worked tonight at the airport. went well. slept most of the day tho. david stayed lastnight. orientation at the casino wends morning. wondering how long ill be there. will need sleep before work at the airport wends night. working thursday too. birthday sunday, planning on dinner with david, and hang out with friends. but no real plans yet. hummm...? K

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Date:2004-03-13 18:48
Subject:afterglow
Security:Public

the stars have all burned out, but you seem to be burning soo bright.
hung out with david, ruth an eric lastnight. resin is good. altho mixed with the wine, i got alittle funny.
i worry. wondering what will be come of david and i. i can fore see us, together , we blend well. hes into plants, music and fixing his past errors. i like him, and im scared. i wouldnt want to loose someone as descent as he seems. i want him to be happy, and myself too. i would like to see us happy together. was nearly in tears lastnight. fearing that i was pushing him away already. i dont want to fuck this up, i said several times. he with his pink cheeks, and european features, his jaunting chin, and beautiful eyes. hanging out with jessica and manda tonight. would be cool if they met david. i need pointers on sucessful date ing. i shall look now. K

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Date:2004-03-11 04:16
Subject:Loves divine
Security:Public

ive been blind for sure. for so long ive kept to my self, my feelings and emotions under wraps. hidding treasured sunsets beneath layers of angered and saddened faces. a change is on its way, the fresh sent of rain bringing in a new. the high pitch of a baby or a slow tempo on the piano brings tears. pushed away by his mis directed brain washing, lack of heart, fear of rejection.

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Date:2004-03-11 03:35
Subject:PDA at the dock
Security:Public

well after my 2 hour interview at the casino for a dishwasher position, which went very well. im likely to get the job as long as everything goes thru. i went on a blind date with david, a guy kerry hanley works with. i wasnt really worried, but thinking that he was super dorky and not very attractive. I was wrong. david. i sware ive seen him before. he looks oddly familiar, almost like jake, with the pink cheeks, etc. we had coffee, chatted, went for a walk along the bay, talked about what we are looking for, etc. then went to the loading dock for a couple of beers and some pool. after that died off, we SNUGGLED !! for about an hour or so, which was absolutely amazing. i ve always been afraid to show affection in public for a guy. i mean last summer with justin was the first time i held hands in public. at first i was apprehensive, but i couldnt resist. hes so far great. much better than thomas. and we seem to have alot in common. snuggled. wow. dropped him off at home on my way to work. at first there was a hug then a short kiss. davids like, mmmm. that tasted good. and we kissed a bit more. im sure to call him again very soon. besides i need to thank him for helping me break a major boundry like pda at the dock. K

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Date:2004-03-08 14:23
Subject:let the rain fall down- back to the beginning.
Security:Public

doing ok the past couple of days, altho feeling alittle sick, almost vomited yesterday, horrible stomach pains. wondering whats going to happen with pride, if i will continue to be pres or resign- due to lack of respect. altho im not planning on being a quitter with this one. thomas, speaking of quitter. is difficult. working with him, rather than feeling for him. for now. had a weekend fling with a guy named matt. he couldnt get an erection so we just made out, etc. no problem, we werent prepaired for anything else anyhow. needing more income. checked the papers again today. again. hillary duff, that song , good shit. nmc spectrum meeting today, then pride. working on an agenda for pride, so perhaps we can get something done. well see. tonight off. yay! needing to work on some art and organize my room. purging things i dont need/use. tuesday cocktail party at danes, thomas is going. i think a light social will be good for him. then working. had an interesting dream again lastnight. was at a dollar store fighting off some woman , throwing knives etc. i ended up climing on top of the racks and pushing women and children out of the way to flee. left with 2 garnet earings and two or 3 other studs. was very important. ended up at some house where i think i was applying for a job or to live there. left my number. the house was full of family, a daughter going to school or work. hitched a ride. woke up. its the sign of the times.

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Date:2004-03-02 03:59
Subject:feeling better today.
Security:Public

woke up this afternoon just in time for the pride meeting , to which only 3 others showed up to. hum. harry came over and checked out the pump for the boiler, taking care of that. thomas emailed me, after 3 days. alittle bothered but ill pass that on to him when we get together thursday. yep. took a nap around 10, and had several dreams, slept in my clothes with the lights on. was great. people are changing. as am i. alittle scared but that comes with not knowing much about whats going to happen. looking forward to the future. think i look good with my hair messy. K

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Date:2004-02-29 03:21
Subject:another wasted day.
Security:Public

at some point, i wonder why.

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Date:2004-02-26 23:05
Subject:cruel
Security:Public

playing on repeat, like the mares at night.
mom dont you remember me?
sex with todd cunningham as pre pubiscent 5 year olds.
re arranging my room, hating it and doing it again the next night.
the undying urge to cry, but drip less ducts.
not being in the center of control, the fear of.
the guilt of
the rain washes, and i feel better for the moment.
why do i do this to myself, unconscience
sleeping helps dull the dreary days, 14
16 hours at a time, all better.

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Date:2004-02-26 06:26
Subject:good ending to a shity week.
Security:Public

and then i got hi

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Date:2004-02-26 06:25
Subject:good ending to a shity week.
Security:Public

and then i got hi

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Date:2004-02-15 01:49
Subject:Valentines Day
Security:Public

Well- what an eventful day spent with Thomas. we were introduced lastnight by cupid at the bar. we spent the afternoon getting to know eachother and "interview" we called it for the open position...anyhow. were heading to the sledding party tomorrow then planning on chilling at his place and watching some movies. before work! uck!
K

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Date:2004-02-10 11:05
Subject:so yeah...
Security:Public

ok i think that after this morning, i will just be a born again virgin, love less sex is just that, love less. its been months before today, that i had sex, just that. sex. not love . making love would be wonderful. but i wonder with whom that will happen and when. i was thinking of jim earlier. remembering the physical connection and why i should wait until there is more of a tangible connection, a line of trust etc. working tonight and tomorrow. feeling kinda down. i now need to change my sheets..lol. needing a nap, got to bed late. shit to do, must be done, K

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Date:2004-02-10 11:01
Subject:long awaited, but still unsuccessful
Security:Public

listening to the scientest,
love un fullilled.
empty sex, left in a hurry
its a shame for us to part.
thinking of another, but day dreaming
during the waking hours of am.
if only my thoughts were to come true,
while in the arms of another, with yet another
in my mind.
decisions, guessing, pulling the puzzel apart.
questions, progress, love at last
but i must wait
until; the emotional hole is patched
the spring returns to nature
the lights ficker, its time

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Date:2004-02-02 08:34
Subject:ready or not
Security:Public

ready or not, here i come, you cant hide, gunna find you - and make you want me..and take it slowly...


been in a sullen mood lately. learned that my wood is birch, fig or mullberry. cool

entranced, they stare, looking around, wandering eyes.
every wondering whats happened, how- why
jumping into , seemingly a watery grave, but only to find
that its not a grave, but a deep , cold well, where i ll lay
until i realize its only a dream
that of which only comes to my damaged mind on the
shortend version of a lidless coffin.
im waiting, im waiting, im hating, for you....
bitter leaves soak the soggy ground that covers my hole.
my only companions now are natures recycler
a distand hum from the agervated shelves that grind
towards my empty shell
altho im frozen in the winter cold, my mind floats above,
helpless like ive been before, but this time, much more.
the beating of my heart, pumping quagulated , tinted, iron infused blood
is only a shadow ghostly effect since the end.

the end

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Date:2004-01-29 04:47
Subject:thursday am
Security:Public

today , tomorrow, and sat off. yay! needing a day off lately.. been sleeping alot when i can, but missing alot most of the time.. interesting dreams when i do sleep. foggy now, but cool. been kinda in a winter depression mode. sucks. but not too badly. got the motivation to organize and purge somethings today. cool. getting tax stuff ready, gay items together, etc. downloading music. so far got 3 cds burned, and about 20 tracks to add. wonderful. not much interesting going on. K

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