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Years Bring Change [08 Jul 2009|08:57pm] I can't believe it's so far later and I'm here looking at this blog. My mom died this year in October. She developed lymphoma in her last year. Her body slowly filled with fluid as her kidneys refused to function enough to drain her. While she was on morphine and slipped away, she ultimately drowned to death. I was with her in her last moments. Emerald-colored cancer flowed from her nose and mouth. I am teaching, and have been for three years. I am considering a job change to find a different venue and a different population with which to interact. I'll be moving from Harvey to Little Village, from a classroom to the arts and crafts room at a Boys' and Girls' club. I am moving into my own apartment again. This time, I don't expect room mates unless they are family or a boy that marries me. There is a boy (man) in my life. He lives in California. He is older than I am by 13 years. Somehow, we work, and all of the anxieties of the distance and the ages never has any real effect. The relationship is good, communicative, and we see each other frequently. When we are not in physical proximity, we are talking online with microphones and cameras, or emailing and chatting throughout the work day. Several of my poems have been published, but I neglected writing this year. It seems that every time I want to write about anything at all in my life, I end up on images of my mother and wanting to write her...then she is too big to write and I close out the application and cry while I surf the web or cry while I go to sleep. Bobby and I have grown far apart. Several major violations of trust happened, and then it was revealed that he was meeting men and women for sexual favors over Craig's List. That puts him at a distance. It's difficult to really manage it. I have a dog. Actually, I share two dogs with Lyndsay, with whom I have lived for 2 years and a summer now. She will take one and I will take the other when we move this month. I have lost 80 pounds, but need to lose about 30-40 more to truly be in a healthy condition. I'm back down to a size 12/14 (depending on the style, brand, fabric, fit). It's been a very long time since I was this small. I've just completed my first two classes for my Master's Degree, which is an MBA in Non Profit Management. Carolyn is leaving for college. Kimberly is managing a dollar store. She had gone to live in New York with a boyfriend after dropping out of college because she was being stalked by a random man. Then, she was institutionalized at a really nice care facility for dealing with the sexual abuse that Eric committed. Finally, she is coming out from under all of that into a little more normal life. Dad is working his delivery job and doing alright with it. His only real friend there has been diagnosed with colon cancer, so he covers the man's routes once and again. Nice writing, but it's been difficult to get words on the page without my mom coming out over and over again. Unfortunately, as much as I want to write her, I never have real words, and that is why I never do. One day I will have them and the block will be removed from me. For now, and until the next update, I am happy to have at least recorded a few of the key changes that have occurred. post comment

[12 Mar 2006|10:42pm] oh blurty, you are still here and so am i i will probably update you again. post comment

1st Public Entry in Almost a Year [04 Aug 2005|02:01am] Though I've kept up with this journal in the private sense, I realize I have not put up a public entry in a very long time. Perhaps this is the result of long hours at school, or the existence of many other websites where the public has access to Me. I miss the people here sometimes. It's funny how things fall into and out of place rapidly...and then how I find that the rapidity was only the perfect speed and no more or less...but this is only in hindsight. The Missouri boy that I first met on this very website is still around for me, and I for him. I wonder what this is...what are we doing? Are we pursuing something or are we sitting still on something? Is this something in stasis or is it dynamic? Is this worth the activity/dwelling (whatever the appropriate denotation would be)? All I can say for sure is that I am really, really happy when I am talking with him and when I am in contact with him. Is that right though? If I walk this thing out in my head toward possible conclusions, is this something that will be discarded easily, a friendship wasted and by the wayside? is this something that will be a friendship for a long time but at a distance? could this be something more? a lifetime relationship of some sort (friend or romantic) and if so, is it completely alright that technology and a virtual meeting place are what put that together? I'm not entirely sure. I hope that I will see him though. He means a great deal. On the homefront, things with B.Z. are much easier than the last time I mentioned him here. We are friends only, without confusion. We are seperate entities and we function alone. We are both dedicated to each other, and the urgency of aiding the other when in need is still present, but the rest is faded back and receding. I am glad for this. It means progress, it means identity, it means that you can love and lose and retain all at once and be successful regardless of the difficulty. This has been a very trying and rewarding relationship. My best friend has been reunited with me this summer, and all with her has gone well. I am happy to be near her again and to find someone who can see my silliness and my seriousness, someone who is not my sister but who behaves as my sister, thinks as my sister, and cares as a sister should. I share the same thing for her. She has come against hard times at the same time that I have, and we are still able to hold each other up. Pessimism is expressed, but dispelled. Hopes are raised and supported. We are meant to be friends, I believe. Up until this very moment, we have matched. There is a fierceness, I have realized, in my close relationships. A positive dedication, and I am grateful that it does not fade for me with failures. It only proves that I love with my whole heart, and this makes me happy. I've done a lot of work over the past year, and have found a lot of good news to supplement the bad. I am finally approved to comoplete the third major in secondary education. I have lost my grandmother. My sister has won a full tuition scholarship to her school and has entered the honors program there. I have been cheated of a grade and have had nearly all of my aid cut. I am ready to drive but cannot afford the car and insurance. I see the possibilities for affording and I find that the financial situations elsewhere have worsened. I have tickets to see one of my favorite bands but three of them are lost in the mail. I want to go to graduate school but apparently do not know enough about what grad school is to embark on that journey yet. Everything in a balance, I suppose. With the proper resources, I can make things happen. I will make things happen. I am sitting in my kitchen, unairconditioned, with a small box fan blowing across my keyboard. I am in a yellow light, watching a family of baby spiders find its way down form a lampshade, trying out their wings as they sway on frail webbing newly spun. There is a bowl on the table, filled with apples. It is next to a small, blue tin of rubber cement, a keyring shaped like a dog bone, and a Bible in a green and ivory checked case with a white zipper and lacy pockets and edging. It smells like my mother's pasta sauce, leftover aroma from dinner, hanging in the air above me with a thick, humid net lowering over my body. I can still smell the cigarette that my dad smoked before he went to bed a little over a half hour ago. I am at peace, resting still and quiet like the thin glistening layer of wetness on my skin. I hum myself a lullaby (Walk on shells tonight/Cant do right tonight/And you cant say a word/Cause I leap down your throat/So uptight am i/I never said I was perfect/But I can drive you home)...for no other reason than the fact that the song is just so musically beautiful...and prepare to glide back to my bedroom and climb up into my bed. There, I'll be under the neon glow of constallations long ago placed with care using double sided tape. This is my salutation tonight, hello and so long, after so long. Good night. post comment

[06 Oct 2004|01:02am] Yeah, if you want an update, or to leave me a message, you're better off going here: www.xanga.com/cinnamon_rose :) ok see ya there bye bye post comment

[18 Aug 2004|03:28am] i still recall the taste of my tears. make this all go away. i'm down to just to thing. though it all looks different now, i know it's still the same just a fading reminder of who i used to be. yeah. it's a lot less depressing than you might interpret it to be. letting go is letting free. finally might be flying again. 2 comments|post comment

[30 Jul 2004|02:23pm] You're Element is Water. You are soft and serene at most times but like Wind, you're scary when you're mad. You proabaly have a talent is singing and even your speaking voice is lovely. You have an innocent type of beauty that makes you look younger than you are and you like close relationships with people. What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES) brought to you by Quizilla post comment

[29 Jul 2004|08:51pm] it gets easier to swallow every day and i'm smiling coming home soon post comment

[26 Jul 2004|08:50pm] an update called just to tell me there was another all night excursion is it wrong of me to feel that the betrayal after the treatment i think i have become part of a cycle the kind i have tried to learn about in order to prevent funny how things sneak up on the unknowing bystander please just keep strong and keep healing im happy. truly happy. yes, there is pain. yes, it feels heavy right now, but i am happy and i am fortunate and i am alright. post comment

[20 Jul 2004|12:09pm] shalla walla walla hoo! tell me more, tell me more... ah...some things are winding down while others only up conflict arises between parent and I staff begins to reach the breaking point resistance to becoming the pawn and apathy toward the game but effort to remain loved having finally won myself a name the room is filled with the smell of paint the set is halfway done the dropcloth lays splattered with the shades of the setting sun. the children enter aroused to learn the reportcards come very soon presidential candidates run and this six weeks wasn't my doom after all hooray for bad poetry and even worse prose there's a mosquito bite on the tip of my nose and now ive almost reached the end half asleep and wanting bed lunch time approaches, satisfyingly better eat soon or i'll be dead lol not on instant messenger anymore really not really up to much though i miss a person or two and dreamed one post comment

[16 Jul 2004|11:56pm] the world is shuffling around me in waves ocean walls and floor scold me in sleepiness extreme disgust overtakes me and in the same moment i am overrun with the feeling of calm talking to a friend phone died though so nevermind if i was still a poodle would it be different? sometimes i wonder what it means to be a christian. and what i really believe. blast this higher level thinking. not today. not today. there was a man at the store today who was strange. then we went into the classroom and the cleaning ladies were sleeping in there. quite freaky i must say. ah here we go...talking to karla again. and ben. weird. salt, rifles, and pigs are never a good combination. 1 comment|post comment

[14 Jul 2004|12:33pm] Ah! EVOLUTION OF ME! Sweet transition... It's a refreshing thing. It's a robot thing. It's my thing. I'm back. 5 comments|post comment

[10 Jul 2004|08:55pm] post comment

[10 Jul 2004|12:47pm] Nerdslut I wonder what you might be considered. If you want to check it out, you can... I am glad that I'm a nerdslut. It's quite interesting. Possibly accurate as well... It has been an enormous week. post comment

[07 Jun 2004|11:39pm] Most people do not know about what is happening to me this summer, and that is by design. I didn't want to be show-offy to anyone. However, I DID keep a trip journal on the way down to Boca Raton, Florida, where I am now and will be teaching for the next eight weeks. What follows will be an exact copy of what was written in said journal. However, in translation, several sketches and all of my wonderfully creative handwriting has been lost. So, this is like the NKJ version of what I wrote (so to speak, as a metaphor, in a non-sacriligious way, etc.) Sketches will be supplemented with photos or other illustrations only if they accurately represent what was actually seen or drawn. For example, the butterfly picture is one that MATCHES the one we saw EXACTLY. Please take your time and enjoy. I think I might do this in installments for the next few days. Maybe I'll type it all here...we'll see how I feel after the first entry. Entry #1 Thursday, June 4 11:22 pm Central Listening to Creed-Arms Wide Open Just passed Bimba Monteno Inc. Travelling on I-80 South, in Joliet Crossed: IL River @ 11:28 [sketch of a barn shack] Just passed old abandoned barn--sky getting darker--moon brighter, stars are out! Entry # 2 Friday, June 5 12:21 am Central stopped @: Road Ranger Gas Station: smells like cows-- truck full of 'em parked here, a dried poop splatter showing out top window and all down side--eew 5:51 am Central ate ice cream in west Kentucky Interesting Live Animals: mullet lady w/big pocket, fat female deer (so pretty), lg. black cat on the hunt! (so pretty), lg. jumping fish, horses (spotted) [sketch of spotted horse], cardinal, deer stealing farmer's corn, hawk, jack rabbit, deer-grazing (pretty), 3 frogs, calves Interesting Roadkill: lg. snap. turtle, sm. box turtle, sm. mountain lion, sm. deer, sm. dog (Jack Russel), muskrat, cat, rabbit, lg. deer sunrise: [sketch of sunrise] [sketch of jack rabbit] model T truck w/ camper tow: [sketch of model T truck w/ camper tow, inc. height specs truck(4ft x 5ft), tow(3.5ft x 3.5ft)] 3:32 pm Central Just entered Tennesee, where a Confederate flag greeted us. We're officially in the foothills of Appalachia, which is great because I love these mountains. We just saw a house moving on a trailer and we watched army vehicles all day from teh Flying J in Oak Grove KY. Added to the list of roadkill is a hawk and a deer. The deer was nothing but empty hide, which looked cool and sick at the same time. We have seen more cows and a rat terrier also. It was a pupy, only as tall as the grass! 3:50 Just crossed the Red River passed: dead fox, 3 different crosses on side of road, baby calf having a bath, trucker falling asleep behind the wheel, trailer shaped like this [sketch of oddly shaped trailer] (possibly sells elixers and remedies), cloud that looks like a dog [sketch of dog cloud], hawk soaring over mountain, '69 Chevy Chevelle [sketch of speed limit sign with orange flags labeled 'orange'] entering: Nashville 4:05 in mountains--air pressure pops my ears passed: chipmunks chasing, natural spring building in Nashville [sketch of building] looks like the two towers/eye of Saron passing: the Coliseum-home of the titans crossing: Cumberland River 4:32 pm Central palm-like/fern-like trees more plentiful! approaching warmth! >5/14ths of the way 5:15 butterfly [sketch of yellow and black butterfly]see sample here and goats @ someone's house--pulled over for some rest goats climbed atop cap from pickup truck, slept, stomped feet, bleated a lot [sketch of goat on top of truck] [doodle of silly cartoon face] 6:20 just left gas station where we stopped only for the facilities interesting things: tv room, game room with erotic video games, antique coin prize dispenser, someone's escaped chicken feeding in the ditch off the exit ramp road kill: turtle just passed: coffee county, lynchburg, horses tallies: crosses: 3 crosses, 1 cross, 1 cross, 3 crosses, 5 crosses, 1 cross 6:34 crossed Duck River Tune in next time to find out everything that happened from 6:55 on Friday on! Whoo! Also, stay tuned for more supplemental images. I'm too tired to finish finding them right now. post comment

[20 Apr 2004|04:20pm] so here it comes. i havent written here in a while because i started on this school wide blog site and most of my posts have gone there. not that it really matters since those posts are never real. they're just pictures and stupid quotes or links or quiz results. im sorta losing interest in writing on my blogs lately. it isnt so much that i dont want to write in them, its more like i dont have time to sit down and write what i want to write, so i just dont write anything. school is almost over, the last week of classes is next week and finals are only a couple of days in the week after that, so i am ready to leave. i'll be ready for florida soon. i cant wait to get out of here. i am hoping that i can successfully transfer without telling anyone while i am down there so that when i come back i can start a new life without being accountable to anyone in the old one. obviously i still will be to my family, but that doesnt count because they would eventually know about it anyway, and they would support me in what i am doing. i cant wait for my teaching to begin either because i want to make a difference in these kids' lives. i wonder right now what they could be feeling about school where they are now, and how much better i might be able to make it for them. i want to propell them forward if i can. i guess we'll see. im getting ready to pack all of myself back up inside again. i have slowly begun dismantling everything that came with bobby and putting it all away inside somewhere. neat little packaging so as not to bother anyone else. and so as not to bother me. it isnt the same as bottling things up. for me, lingering over things is what tears me down. i think that's why i have hated life since he came along. he made me feel and linger. anyway, i'm done. until later...when i can stretch out alone, no chat boxes popping up on my screen, no assignments due...this will have to suffice as an entry. 5 comments|post comment

[03 Mar 2004|10:28am] post comment

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[02 Mar 2004|01:35pm] I feel like a monkey. 4 comments|post comment

[23 Feb 2004|08:55am] French Guard I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?! 1 comment|post comment

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