Relationships   
12:09am 15/09/2003
 
mood: discontent
music: bowling for soup - where to begin
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Kinda longing for one. I just want someone who I have a deeper connection with. That knows me. More than friends. Someone to hold. And hold me. But since I've never really had one, I'm afraid. I don't know if I'm confident enough to put myself out there enough for a relationship like that. Especially if sex becomes a factor. Not like that I'm saving myself. Just that Im so nieve to the subject it intimidates me. Wierd, huh? Oh well. Maybe one day....

ta ta.
 
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*pulls hair and screams   
12:30am 14/09/2003
 
mood: aggravated
music: silence
Today was a wierd day. My moods have been all over the place. Maybe cause I didn't get much sleep, I don't know. But I'm not really tired. Don't tell anyone else that, that was my excuse to not go to the party tonight. I just didn't think I would have had fun. In fact, I couldn't think of anything that would be fun. Gah, I can't think straight. It's taking me forever to write this. I hate it around here. I really need to get out of this place. It's so restricting. I think. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's the people. Or both. I'm just different than everyone I know around here. And everyone I know is too smalltown minded to be worth talking to. Not necessarily talk, but confide in. I have this whole different part of my life that no one knows about. It's making me insane. Wow, just typing about this is pissing me off. I think I'm gonna go cuddle in my bed for a little while. I can't write anything worth reading right now anyway. bye.
 
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first time   
12:00pm 12/09/2003
 
mood: indescribable
music: Queens - no one knows
Well, this is my first time writing a journal. I woke up early this morning (very early for me anyway, like 8:30) with a lot to say. And then there was a forum post with this online journal address on it so I took it as a sign from God that I'm supposed to start a journal. ;). Sadly, however, I got distracted between the time I started to create this and now (11:15) so I've forgotten most of what I wanted to say. But I figured I'd start it anyway so next time I can just start writing. Well...typing. I don't know if I like the typing though, it's kinda loud and distracting. Oh well, everything has it's downfalls. Anyway, I'm gonna use this to record the craziness that has become me. I always have random odd thoughts running through my head. Maybe I should headline it "Journey into the mind of a mad woman, bwahahahaha" Proceed to read with caution. Bwahahaha, Bwahahaha, Bwahahaha. okay. Enough evil.

On a different note, my moods changed alot in just the past few hours. I wonder if everyone changes moods like I do. I wonder what the line is between normal and a disorder. hmmm. Because obviously it's going to be normal to me if it's all I know. I wonder who gets to decide what normal is anyway. I think people should stop worrying about normalness and start celebrating originality. Which I guess is kinda hypocritical since I do worry about normalness. Not other people, I try not to judge, but my normalness. I suppose I'm self-concious. I always wonder how people percieve me. I wish that I could be someone else for just one day to see what it's like being them and knowing me. I think I'm pretty...well...i'd say eclectic.
disclaimer: alot of this journal will probably be me talking about me, which may come off as narcasistic. For some reason lately though I've been thinking insightfully or deeply or something about myself. Kinda like a soul search I guess. Maybe it's because I just graduated and have became friends with so many different types of people. And hadn't had school or work to keep my mind occupied. Or maybe I'm just crazy, who knows really.

Well, I guess I can talk about my day. Although it would probably make more sense to talk about it after it happened. But I do have plans today. I haven't really had plans in a while. I just been kinda hanging out, doing whatever comes up. It seems like I'm usually busy but hardly productive. Today i'm going to the mall and to see cabin fever with Joanna. Joanna. She has time now. If you're not me then you don't know. She's my cousin, same age. Cool to hang out with, when she can. We used to hang out a lot. Well, I take that back. We hang out a lot, when she doesn't have a boyfriend. Or like now, when her b/f is busy. Actually, i guess she is getting better at making time for friends.

I got to go. My stomach is starting to hurt and it is clouding up my thinking. *rubs tummy. *pats head at same time! haha. j/k. okay, no more. it really does hurt. Peace.
 
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