[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, June 16th, 2004|
Pages by water...
The air comming off the lake revitalized the ususal weekday grind. The sounds of the birds over head and the passing of the people gave birth to my tranquility. As i sat staring into my book and from time to time glancing at the water, i noticed a man settle in across from me. He carried a bag and a bottle of soda, both of which he had set down next to him as he just carelessly stared into the day. After a few more minutes of reading i looked up only to see that Ron, which i found his name to be, had set up a chess board complete with game clock. This is when Ron's game really began. He sat on that stone bench with the patience of a fisherman, or dare i say it, chess player. He had the look of a man who had one this dozens and dozens of times. Along with the look of experience was he look of confidence. But confidence for what? Confidence that eventually there will be an opponent in which to exert his skills apon shortly? Confidence that when said opponent does come along he will most surely be victorious? My guess was both as he continues to watch the birds in patient waiting. Ron is a Chicago taxi driver who double majors as a waterside chess competitor. His profession is driving people along the city streets and his game is played on the black and white of the chess board. However don't let him hear you speak of chess as a game, to him it's as serious as any job he has ever had. It's his sport, his purpose and also his livlihood. I look back down at my book wondering just how good Ron is and with a dismissing shrug, i was again off int another world in the pages of my book, casualy glancing at the water.
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: None
|Thursday, June 10th, 2004|
The only thing i can think of is how wonderful the sky looks on a summer night. Knowing that that same sky was there during all the wonderful memories i've collected over the years. With the exception of the obvious, my trophy case has become pretty dusty as of late. My memories of all the good times pushed aside into cardboard boxes meant to be forgotten in the attic or some closet. That in itself is natural. One day the door will open and a box will fall triggering curiousity and cause the need to relive the moments all over. What is sad is that the boxes are being filled much less frequently these days and even though i'm enjoying the closet space, there is nothing falling at my feet when i open the doors except things that have that been there done that feel.
I remember when i must have filled a box a day, not one moment went unappreciated. Surrounded by the friends that i now long for on a more frequent basis. People have moved on and i'm realizing in full force just how passed up i have become. I still talk to the people that i value the most pretty regularly and you peeps know who you are, if not at least i know who you are. It's with that base that i hope to fill houses and not just closets with boxes apon boxes of useless laughter and inside jokes. Flying on the weekends with my big ass pimp, condemning the sun (Screw you bringer of life!), shake my hand dude, so many hoes so little time, little green men, bobby baboo, i'm rick james bitch, straaaaight. For those of you who are lost, i'm sorry, for everyone else i'll leave you with a second to reflect.......Okey dokey.
I see the days burn away, choking me with its second hand smoke.
This chain around my neck leaves me watching the kids next door.
I see good intentions lying dormant, just waiting for me to give the word.
I hear old friends and see good memories.
I see old friends and hear good memories.
I see the sun in full force, driving away the shadow which sheltered me for to long.
I just hope i see it in the near future.
But only time will tell...
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Something Corporate
|Tuesday, April 13th, 2004|
I'm awakened by the crashing of a distant thunder. My eyes open suddenly and peer towards my dark ceiling. I realize that i'm covered in a cold sweat and have kicked the blankets onto the floor. To many times in these passing weeks have i been dragged into this scene. The doctors have assured me that i'm fine, perect bill of health they say. Doctors don't know shit, they only know the location of the bomb after it goes off, or after the fuse begins to burn. I swing my feet onto the soft carpet ans maneuver myself into the bathroom. I flip the switch on the wall to the right of the door, rest my hands on the sink and observe myself in the mirror.
"Look at you," I say to the darkness more than to myself. "what is going on." No reply comes from behind me, however a familier sounds ensues. The ringing of the alarm clock. It seems as if the purpose of the blasted thing has been shot to hell, i'm always awake when it goes off anyway. I run the warm water in my hands and bring them to my face, the heat revitalizing me. The towel then does it's work of drying the water and sweat combination after being taken from the hook next to the sink. The towel finds a new resting place over ym shoulder like the strap of a backpack as my feet take me across the bedroom and towards the window. The dawn od a new day unfolds high up in the sky, but nowhere my eyes will see. For now all i see is the rolling clouds which bring the very thunder that robbed me of my slumber.
It always rains now. the chemicals from which we survive are now eating us away, burning us up like the fuel we harvest. Our food is dying, plants and animals alike. Our air is suffocating, almost toxic to breath. The land is covered with humanity and can barely contain our numbers anymore. We have outgrown out planet. Mother earth can no longer support its children who demand so much yet give so little to its provider. An ingrateful race of superior brats that demand what is their so called, God given right to something better. In the year 2047 homeostasis on earth has been severed. Weather patterns have turned eratic and violent all over the globe. The blue glow of our once fabulous planet has faded to a color almost brown. In order to survive the human race must change. They need a miracle, something to come and save them...or perhaps somehwere.
This morning is special, unlike any other i have ever experienced. Today i meet with General Stokes to talk about the Project i have been elected to, as well as to meet the rest of the team i am to be joined with. The finest the USSA have to offer he said. We'll do the core proud he is sure. But if out work is so noble, then why the smoke and mirrors? Why did he have that look of uncertainty in his eyes as if he were asking me to die, instead of save a race of people? Well, today one Erik Rapp will find out just what Project Vivir2 is all about...
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Starting Line- Up and Go
|Wednesday, March 17th, 2004|
The cloak of night casts its shadow to the horizon, filling me with the cold of darkness. The moon hangs far above the ground while it peers down on me in this endless desert. The moon throws hollow beams of light softly onto the sand promising no heat with its illumination. It is a cruel act that is repeated on and on for as long as anyone will bother to notice. I continue my hopeless journey, knowing the impossible sea of death and heat i must endure ahead. The night in this place is an opposite version of the day. Cold tightens its grip on my already aching bones and the wind whisps away any heat i had left from the brutal fireball of just a few hours ago. The night is so full of activity, it is hard to believe that so much life stirs in this place of death. Adapted to survive the most harsh and bleak conditions. I, like them, am a survivor. Adapted to adversity and death. I believe the reaper fears me, for he has never even shown the sillouhette of his bony face. Good. He is right to fear me. He knows that i am simply waiting his arrival as opposed to dreading it. This sends the very same chill down his spine as the cold north wind that blows beneath my cloak.
Thunder, my only companion on this journey of insanity whinnies at the darkness as if expressing his intentions to stop for the night with or without me. Stubborn horse. I will bide only a few moments rest, the travel in the day was slow and painstaking. The heat is definitely a killer. I can afford no uneccesary setback. He is a good horse, strong and graceful he is in his large black frame. His coat glistens in the moonlight increasing his splendor. I jump off Thunder and sit down in the course sand, tilting my head towards the heavens. Ah the beautiful stars that lie above. They hypnotize me with their wonder. My thoughts always race when i behold the sky of diamonds, but one thought always crosses my mind. Whose side is He on in this quest. Sometimes i just don't know, however we will find out won't we. This last thought breaks my concentration on the deep dark cold blue above and i switch my gaze to Thunder. As if thinking the same thing as I, Thunder stands up and prepares for more travel. I mount my trusty friend and my mind goes through it's ususal ritual of questioning this task of such blatant lunacy. Can such a destination exist? Am i even going in the right direction? Is he laughing at me in the heavens? If this is so, then i laugh back just in spite. I play jesture to none and amusement only to myself...and occasionally Thunder. I pull the reins on my friend and initiated his trot. The sun will rise to soon to remind me of the killer heat it is capable. I wish to cover much grounds before this happens. I'm comming for you old friend...rest assure.......To be continued...
Current Mood: grumpy
Current Music: Dashboard Confessional- Several Ways To Die Trying
|Monday, March 15th, 2004|
The Week behind
Well, she was here and is gone again. BLAH! It really sucks, it's a brutal cycle. I am however going to see her this weekend, Cal may come to so that's just twice the fun.
The St. Patrick's day parade was a blast. I got to spend it with my Annie, Whoo hoo! I also got to see Marie, i haven't seen her in ages. It was all so fun. Well, there is more, but i really don't feel like writing right now, so bye for now.
|Friday, March 5th, 2004|
Let it rain cont.
I think it's fitting that the song playing right now is the song i associate most with the one i love more than anything since this is about her.
I know i have so mucg time to worry about this, but i will anyway because i'm just really stupid that way. Annie threw more talk of what she plans to accomplish after graduation. She has a lot of ambition for someone who seems to think she has no idea what she wants to do when she graduates. All the things she has chosen entail her going away...FAR AWAY, for extreme long periods of time and she has made it perfectly clear that this is what she wants to do. I have a hard enough time getting through a single day without her, let alone if she decides to leave for a huge amount of time.
Annie completes me. she complements me so well that i have grown dependant of her. I feel that i physically need her in life in order to survive. She has no idea the kind of depression and just i don't give a fuck attitude she has dragged me away from. I was about a half a step away from going through life being a nothing piece of crap that is no good to anyone and being ok with it. My self esteem was zero.
Then like in some kind of movie, or as if a gift from God himself, Annie pops back into my life. She was here for the best time of my life, and was here when i was at my worst. She is my hero, my love, the person i believe i will spend the rest of my life with. That concept doesn't scare me or make me nervous, it makes me so happy i can barely contain myself. She has single handedly eliminated my one greatest fears, being alone for the rest of my life. The thought of her going away without me just kills me, so intend to go with her.
Se told me about this group or organization she is working along side right now which does a lot of traveling volunteer work. I pray she doesn't decide to go away to Japan for a year, it would kill me and i don't know how i would go with her for that. If she wants to do this volunteer thing, i will drop absolutely everything and go with.
This is the part where she yells at me saying that i shouldn't do it just for her, to do it because i want to do it. The more i think about it, the more i realize that i do want to do it. I'm always talking shit about how i want t leave Summit and go on to see bigger and better things, but most of the time when i spout off like that, i'm all talk. She presents me with an opportunity to follow through with it. I seriously hope she ops for this and not Japan, but i can't make her decision for her, i'm at that mercy. I'm just going to have to wait and see...
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: The Starting Line- The Best of Me
Let it rain...
Oh man, where should i start... I have an internal conflict. My views are usually cut and dry when it comes to my friends but this is a special situation and no ordinary friend. Cal is still majorly hung up on Dan and i have no idea why. Let me first elaborate on my pal Cal.
Callie is a special kind of person. Someone you definitely want to know for all your days on this planet earth because the experience would just seem hollow without her. She is understanding, nice, beautiful, smart and she could prabably get just about any decent guy in the free world if she so chose...However...
The guy she has currently chosen is the poster child for what i find to be not good people. Not that i'm Donald Trump. First off, he is a chronic pot smoker who says he can stop whenever he wants however he found it neccesary to borrow large sums of money to buy more weed. Second, he is so blatantly playing Callie with a girl who is not nearly as good looking i should say, i personaly don't know Erin so i can't say much for her character, but when matched up with Cal not many stand a chance. Unfortunately Cal has fallen for this dumbass and either doesn't want to believe, or refuses to believe he is playing her, right before her eyes. He says he wants to get over her and then be with Cal but ususally when you want to get over someone you separate yourself from them for awhile. He sees Erin on a constant level. And now that Dan is moving off campus, Cal sees him less and prabably Dan sees Erin more. He is totally using her and I...DON'T...LIKE...IT.
Now usually i'd just let my friend work the situation out for themselves and not get involved, but i see that this guy is totally wrong for Cal. i'm leaning more towards scaring this guy off. I refuse to let some asshole play with one of my friends like she was just some supid girl from off the street...To some it all up...This is war...
|Monday, March 1st, 2004|
Well, i talked to Annie a little while ago. It seems she is having a lot of gun down in New Orleans. I'm jealous of her, she has warm weather and good times. I'm stuck here without her, work and the comming rain. I just gotta hold on until sunday and it is only monday. AAHHHHH!!!
Anyway, work has been treating me well, i put some money towards my car which was at the time priority. Now the priority is paying off moraine. Not to mention getting my phone turned on. But that's a luxury that may have to wait.
I've been seeing Cal a little more these past couple of days, which is great becasue i usually don't get to see her a lot. She's a blast, Luke as well. I don't think i'm going to meet anyone like them ever in my life, and i'm glad that i have.
The days linger or way to long
You aren't here where you belong
My days are empty thinking of you
Without you i don't know what to do
You are my life
And one day my wife.
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Good Charlotte- Complicated
|Tuesday, February 24th, 2004|
Piecing it all together
I find myself home early from work tonight. Which is great considering i have been up for 22 hours now. I paid off my debt to the auto insurance people today as well as started my new policy with my car. Just another thing crossed off my list. The next thing is my cell phone bill, on top of paying it i need to talk to them about changing my plan to allow me more minutes. The last couple of bills were ridiculous. But all and all, my new job is boosting my funds and helping me reach my school goal. A month or so of this and i'll be pulling ahead instead of catching up.
The only thing that seems to be escaping me is the girl. Circumstances are keeping us apart for long periods of time and it sucks. I know i whine a lot about this but i really miss her. Everyday when i wake up, or before i go to work i look at pictures of her. I think to myself how beautiful she is and how lucky i am. She is everything i could possibly want and i never see her. Oh well, summer is quickly approaching and i have the funds to see her every weekend she'd have me now. So we'll just see how things pan out.
This past weekend i went to U of I for Ariel's 21st B-day bash. It was a blast. Franky P, Diana and I drove down there saturday at about 3. When we got there we just kinda hung out for awhile. We all chatted with Katie and Ariel and one another. At about 8 Ariel and Katie's friends started to show up. These people are awesome let me tell you. First there was Jewish Brian...guess what his deal is? Anyway, cool guy, but can be on the annoying side. Next is Kevin, who is really cool, displays a comical dislike for Brian. last there was Jordan, who immediately got on franky P's and my good side by joining in on our Chapelle Show impressions..."I'm Rick James Bitch!!!! Bitches!!! Have sex with, Charlie Murphy!! (Clap Clap)"...Guess you had to be there huh. LOL. Anyway now that i'm done being a big dork i can continue. After about an hour of pregaming, we all headed over to the bar that was conveniently located directly across the street from the apartment. I danced, drank, talked and just had an all around great time. After the bar we headed back to the apartment aside from the random people that i didn't really know and also didn't mention earlier, which went back to their places i assume. We ordered pizza and just chilled out then crashed. It was a weekend i really needed, i haven't been getting out much lately. The release felt good. Well, that was my weekend.
..."we got older, but we're still young. We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up."
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: The Starting line- Selective
|Thursday, February 19th, 2004|
Got back from work tonight not feeling as tired as yesterday. Sleep definitely helps, duh. Anyway, things seem to be shaping up thus far. I hope i can get all my shit settled before i plan on going back to school.
I've said in the past that i was going to go back to Moraine, good intentions were there, but the desire was lacking. This time, however, i'm not only motivated, I'm flat out determined. THIS WILL HAPPEN DAMMIT. If it doesn't, i will be defeated to sweeping floors of wharehouses for the rest of my life. That will NOT happen.
Also, i have someone at work who may be interested in buying the truck. Yay!! Getting that thing out of the drivway will make my parents happy. Putting the money in my pocket will make me happy. No wrong can come of this. My tax return should show up next Tuesday, my first paycheck will be comming next Thursday. With all that money comming in, i should be able to eliminate A LOT of my financial woes in one swoop. Hoorah!!!!!
Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Weezer, Knockdown Dragout
|Wednesday, February 18th, 2004|
Life really stinks...
So i started my new job today. Good right? Wrong. I didn't plan on starting until monday, i was called up 30 min before i had to be there. Oh well, i shouldn't be complaining, at least i got a job finally. So not only was i working unexpectedly, i didn't get to talk to Annie. I talked to her on the phone for like 10 min, and then she said she had to go but would be online. I fell asleep thinking i could afford to because i have nothing else going on, but alas, the work thing again. So due to my laziness, i missed talking to Annie. The 10 min was just a tease. I need Annie in much larger doses.
So my job is easy, but the hours suck. I started at 6pm and didn't get home until 3:30am. This job is a good thing for me now, but i think i'm going to try and find something else for when i go to school in the summer (if i go, i'd better dammit). I can't fathom the idea of working these weird hours, going to class as well as homework. I wouldn't get anything done. so i figure a few months of this, and then i'll get out.
Also, i need to find out when my friend is leaving for U of I this weekend. If he is leaving friday, i won't be able to go because of the job (I'm making it seem like a bad thing, but really it isn't). In turn missing Ariel's 21 birthday hoorah. Plus Anni'e is going to be all alone this weekend because her roomy is going home for the weekend.....light bulb...I've just decided that if i can't go to U of I, it won't be such a bad thing after all. I'll just go visit Annie!!! Yay!! OK, so that works out at least.
I also need to call Lewis tomorrow to schedule a visit and talk to admissions. AHHHHH!!! So many thinga at the same time. I'll tell you, when it rains, it pours.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: None
|Tuesday, February 17th, 2004|
I'm up kinda early this morning. Not typical of me however i'm trying to make it typical. Every morning when i wake up, she is the first thought n my head. I'm immediately wondering where she is and what she is doing. I have to wonder because i simply don't know, she isn't here. She's 200 miles away still within the same state, but seemingly far away on some distant planet. It kills me. She's been gone not a few days now but i already miss her like she left months ago. She needs to come back to me. I need her...
Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: None
So i'm sitting here all night wide awake and all i can think about is the girl. It's only been one freakin day, but i already miss annie like she has been gone a month. I'm not going to see her for a month!! That is a long time to be without the perosn you love. This long distance thing is tough, and i don't think it is going to be any easier. I keep tellingmyself, just wait until summer comes, then you can see her whenever you want. On the other hand i keep looking past that. When she goes back to school next fall, am i going to miss her more after i'm used to her being around all the time? I'd have to say definitely yes. Ahhhhhh!!! I pretty much figured it would be like this, however i thought i would be able to cope better. I need her, i finally have her and now i can barely see her. She is nothing but a picture on my mirror 90% of the time.
Come home to me
Come sit with me
Come talk to me
Come cheer me up
Come make me laugh
Come watch a movie
Come tell a joke
Come just so i can look at you
Come so i can sing to you
Come see what i'm writing about you
Can you see i love you?
Can you see this tearing me apart?
Can you see my eyes?
Can you see my face?
Can i see you soon?
Questions i'll be asking for awhile and will keep me occupied for about, well a month...
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Seether, Broken