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[05 Oct 2012|08:15pm] Bobbi (my half-sister) sent me the following message via Facebook. She sent it to 23 women, actually - it's a chain mail message … k ladies, it's that time of year again, in support of breast cancer awareness!! So we all remember last years game of writing a colour as your status?…..or the way we like to have our handbag handy? Well this year, it's slightly different. You need to write your shoe size, (just the number) followed by the word 'inches' and how long it takes to do your hair… Remember last year so many people took part it made national news and the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!! Do NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing!! And please copy and paste this (in a message) to all your female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year!!! I did my part… now it's YOUR turn… I posted on my Facebook: I don't understand how this whole "shoe size in inches and amount of time to do your hair" thing has ANYTHING to do with breast cancer awareness. What does? Fucking awareness. Ladies, be aware of changes in your breasts. Get examined by your healthcare provider. Perform self examinations. Have your lover examine them for you – you know what I mean (wink, wink), but have them do the research on what exactly they should be feeling around for. Early detection is awareness, not your shoe size or hair style. Bobbi commented on my posting: OBVIOUSLY shoe size and hair style has nothing to do with breast cancer, however, this little game is a reminder to every woman that gets the message in her in box to do her self exam or schedule her mammogram and to pass along the reminder to her female friends & relatives. Sorry that you were so terribly offended, I will leave you off my distribution list next time. Where in my posting did I say I was "terribly offended?" Where in her original message does it say to do a self exam or schedule a mammogram? Since when is cancer a game? (My response back was, "Never said I was offended - just said I didn't understand. And this isn't just coming from you. It's coming from other women on my news feed. No offense given, was just giving my two cents.") (And PS: she actually introduces me to people as, "this is my half-sister, Lindsey" … no lie.) 3 comments|post comment

[23 Sep 2012|08:45pm] Add to the bucket list to visit Kom Ombo Temple. post comment

[21 Sep 2012|09:58pm] I had totally forgotten that this existed: http://www.thejohnnycashproject.com/#/explore/TopRated/45d63a01b5dfabdb43f20e183e2cb5c2fad399b2 post comment

[22 Aug 2012|07:26pm] (Bored.) Pick 5 TV Shows before reading the questions! 1. Weeds 2. Futurama 3. the L Word 4. Sex and the City 5. Lost 1. Who is your favorite character in 2? Bender 2. Who is your least favorite character in 1? Celia 3. What is your favourite episode of 4? "Hot Child in the City" 4. What is your favorite season of 5? First one 5. What's your favorite relationship in 3? Dana and Alice 6. Who is your anti-relationship in 2? Bender and Amy 7. How long have you watched 1? All of it thus far 8. How did you become interested in 3? Because I was dating a woman at the time 9. Who is your favorite actor in 4? Kim Cattrall 10. Which show do you prefer 1, 2, or 5? Lost 11. Which show have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3? L Word 12. If you could be anyone from 1, who would you be? Doug Wilson 13. Would a 3/4 crossover work? Oddly enough it would 14. Overall, which show has the better cast, 3 or 5? Probably Lost 15. Which has the better theme music, 2 or 4? Futurama post comment

[14 Aug 2012|07:53pm] This is my Facebook status update from today ... post comment

[13 Aug 2012|06:48pm] I turn 30 in six months. A basic known fact about my current life is I am not completely happy with the way things are going; I don't feel like a very productive/proactive adult. In fact, I don't feel like an adult at all. I feel like an aimless teenager; a fish out of water, just flopping around. It's time to nut up or shut up. By 11 February 2013: - Adopt a healthy diet/lifestyle. - No credit card debt. - Own a vehicle. - Create a budget and stick to it! - Get officially engaged. - Figure out academic focus. That's one simple goal to accomplish each month. Completely doable. post comment

[09 Aug 2012|01:23pm] Kevin and I had sex last night, but one simple thing made it much more pleasurable for me than other times: he told me what to do. His voice lost to wanton longing, he said into the dark, "don't move." Thinking on it now, the next day, I grin feeling the same flutter in my tummy I felt last night, and a desire for more. I can still hear his voice echoing in my head ... "Don't move." It was the first time I've been told what to do, and the heat I was feeling prevented me from doing what he said. Perhaps I was just so shocked and amazed; whatever. Part of me wishes he would have spanked me, moved me where he wanted me, repeating "don't move" more forcefully. The notion of Dominate/submissive has always interested me. I've always figured this came from a psychological standpoint. Wondering what it was within one person to tell another what to do, the other doing it, and both getting pleasure from it. While I may fantasize about a D/s relationship, having it actually be part of my relationship, part of "play time," has never really felt like it could be an option. What lover of mine would want to tell me what to do, hold my hands above my head, spank me so hard I can't sit for days after, pull my hair as they take me from behind. And more than that, why would a survivor of sexual assault even want to be in a relationship like that? Wouldn't me being sexually submissive to a man cause some sort of relapse, make me lose all sexuality? I don't believe so. A D/s relationship is built upon a great amount of trust. To trust someone so much takes a great deal of courage, and that much courage can create utter freedom. To be so sexually free would have quite the reverse effect on me. If Kevin put his hands over my mouth, called me his little whore as he's railing into me, I wouldn't feel fear - I'd feel the opposite. Because in the brashness of it, the hard exterior, there comes that trust and the gentleness of being so open to your lover. post comment

[08 Aug 2012|10:11pm] What time of day do you like to have sex? Night, before bed. Also, sex before getting ready for the day/night is really nice too. Have you ever faked an orgasm? I have, sadly. Do you have any sexual regrets? None. How important is sex in your life? In my life, and in my relationship it's pretty important. Not only does it keep me refreshed and relaxed, but it also keeps my relationship close. Do you like biting and scratching? It's not something that I plan on doing, it just happens when I get caught up in the mood. How do you feel about leaving marks? I love knowing that my past lovers have permanent scars on their backs. Who did you lose your virginity to? How old were you? My ex-girlfriend Roslynn; I was 23. (Note about this: It took a long time for me to realize that rape was not when I lost my virginity.) What words do you like to hear during sex? "I love being in you." How many times a week do you like to have sex? I'd like to have it every day, but 3 times a week works. Have you done the 69 position? Yes, with a woman, and I didn't care for it. What are the top three erogenous zones on your body? Neck, back, wrists. Fast & Hard or Slow & Gentle? Both have their appropriate times. What is your favorite thing about sex? I love connecting with another person on such an intimate level. Would you ever fool around in a movie theater? Absolutely. Would you ever do a photo shoot in sexy clothes for your bf/gf? Sure. Do you think you need sex more or less often than the average person? Maybe more. If I don't have sex every day then I at least masturbate every day. Do you prefer to be with the opposite sex or the same sex or both? I enjoy sex with both men and women equally. Have you ever watched porn while having sex? I have not, but this is something I wouldn't mind doing in the future. Do you like kissing during sex? Not really. Does size matter? Not with me. An average size penis/dildo allows for fun and creative ways to alter positions so it's enjoyable for both. How many sexual partners have you had? Three. I was with my first boyfriend for four years; was with my ex-girlfriend for five years; and have been with my current boyfriend, Kevin, since November 2011. Have you ever done anal? If so, did you like it? I've never done anal with another person, but have done it with myself while masturbating with a toy. I enjoyed it enough that I would like to try it with a lover. How many positions do you like to do during one episode? Two or three, tops; more than that it just gets ... old. Do you ever worry about how you're pleasing your partner? Yes. Could you live without sex? No! Do you like to perform oral sex? Yes, on men and women. Do you like to receive oral sex? God yes! Do you spit or swallow? Swallow. What was the biggest age difference with a partner? Eight years my senior. What was your most embarrassing sexual moments? The first time I soaked the sheets with Kevin. What is something you have always wanted to try sexually? I'm going to have to answer this question at a later time. I'm just not sure. The possibilities are endless. post comment

[06 Aug 2012|02:33pm] Kevin mentioned last night that I should be a 10th grade English teacher. The irony is that: I've dropped art and picked up writing/English in college, and I've wanted to be an English teacher since way back when I was in third grade; it's one of the few things that I've never shaked from my life. I'd keep a focus on writing, but it's just kinda funny that he mentioned it (because I never have) and I've been thinking of aiming that way. I'd make a pretty awesome teacher. post comment

[01 Aug 2012|04:01pm] Liz Lidgett wrote this amazing piece for Juice this week: Last week marked the end of Des Moines Metro Opera's 40th anniversary of their summer festival. Full disclosure right off the bat: not only am I fan, but I also happen to be married to their marketing director. As I walked out into the lobby after a stirring performance of Eugene Onegin I saw several friends. I walked up to one and said, "So, what did you think?" And he said, "It was so incredible, I just wish that I had come to the opera before now." I can't seem to get this comment out of my head. It's made me think of all the things that I have wanted to try in Des Moines and haven't gotten around to yet. I think of all of the restaurants that I drive by saying to myself, "I never remember to go there, but I want to try it!" What if I am missing out on something as special as experiencing the opera? Summer in Des Moines is my favorite time to explore. Major annual highlights, of course, always include the Des Moines Arts Festival, 80/35 Music Festival, and Des Moines Metro Opera's summer festival — but there are also quirkier events to attend, like driving to Winterset for John Wayne's birthday celebration in May and the National Balloon Classic in Indianola in August. This city has so much culture both within its limits and within driving distance. We should all be going out there and taking advantage of every single thing. "I'll do that sometime," we always say to ourselves about some of Des Moines' more hidden gems. Make sometime right now. My birthday is Aug. 31st and I have decided to challenge myself to try 31 new things in the month of August. I have scoured the Internet and every community calendar to find the perfect list of events and attractions. I am finally going to eat a Cheesie at the Cheese Shop of Des Moines. I am going to run on every bridge downtown and check out that Chinese pagoda by the river. I am going to get up the nerve to attend the Iowa State Fair on East Side Night. I am going to ride on the Heritage Carousel in Union Park and see the Maytag Dairy Farm in Newton. And because the founder is from Des Moines, I am going to actually make one of the recipes I pin on Pinterest. I say it every month: "This city has so much to offer." And now I am going to walk the walk too. I am going to try everything and have a response for every person that says there is nothing to do in Des Moines. The Southside Sculpture Park? Ask me about it next week. The World Food Prize building? I can't wait to see it. The Iowa Arboretum and the Flying Frog Hosta Farm? I love nature (sort of). Art Along the Trail in Clive on the bike path? I'm not very good at biking, but that's not going to stop me. And yes Mom, I am planning on wearing a helmet. I have challenged myself, but every good challenge needs partners in crime. So now I am challenging you. What have you always wanted to see or do? Now is the time to get out there in the sweltering heat and enjoy this city for all it has. Make your own list and share with friends. Let's fall even more in love with Des Moines. She basically said everything that I have ever wanted to say about this amazing town. I love how simple yet engaging Des Moines is; there's something for everyone here. So I think I'm going to make my own list of things I want to see/do in Des Moines this late-summer/early-autumn. post comment

[31 Jul 2012|07:39pm] Back in March I performed a [sort of] decision making spell; just something to help me get more focused on school and life. Basically, it was like me asking the Powers That Be, "what should I study in school; what should I be when I grow up?" Those Powers responded with, "writing." I've been ignoring my writing a lot lately. Mostly I really do not believe I have even the slightest bit of talent when it comes to the written word. Friends keep telling me, write a book, publish a book! as though it's something that can be done so easily. Writing, and any form of art really, is very haunting and tiresome. It takes a great deal of effort and energy to crawl into ones wounds, find a little sinew, and mould it into something worthwhile. I've never taken a writing class before, so I enrolled in one for the autumn term ... We'll see how this goes. post comment

[27 Jul 2012|07:40pm] This is going to quickly become my life ... post comment

[26 Jul 2012|12:03pm] Something was said about my sex drive last night, and Kevin responded, kinda upset, "I'm doing the best I can" [in performing when I want it]. Then I thought, what the fuck do you think I'm doing? I started crying as he drifted into sleep. Eventually I couldn't hold it in, and I ended up on the bathroom floor, sobbing into a washcloth to muffle the sounds of my tears. Does he really think it's so easy for me to be sexually attracted to him? Every day I'm reminded of what happened. Every day I can still feel my rapists hands on my body. Every day I can still feel him inside me. Every day! For me to even conceive of wanting to have sex with a man, even one I love and trust, I have to muster up a great amount of strength and courage from a place that's been ravaged and left dead. It's like planting a bountiful garden in a lava field. Unintentionally, Kevin makes me remember things I want to forget. But I hold onto all the things I learned in therapy - not all men are rapists, it's okay to be sexual - and I try my best to take all my anxieties I have with having a man around, subdue them, and try to live a happy, normal life with a man I truly love. But sometimes I almost feel like I'm going back on everything I learned in therapy, erasing it all. Parts of me want to curl around Kevin and have him hold me so tightly I could shatter; other parts of me think, he's a man and men can't be trusted. It's the latter that's beginning to take over. And I'm not even sure why. I guess maybe because he makes me feel that my wanting sex is a bad thing, which means that I'm a bad thing. And the only thing I've ever really done in my life that's bad is allow myself to raped. (Yes, this is how a rape victims thinking works.) I honestly can't blame Kevin for any of this. It's quite obvious he's never had to deal with rape firsthand, which is a good thing - no one ever should. But as I was curled up on the bathroom floor last night I texted Jenea. She helped level me out, and suggested I talk to Kevin about it, help him understand more about what it's like living with a memory like that, and now living with a man whom I trust enough to enter into me. I responded, "I don't think I can tell him; it's such an awkward subject." post comment

[26 Jul 2012|12:39am] He said he was trying the best he could. Well what does he think I'm doing?! Every fucking day I'm reminded of what happened. For me to even consider having sex with a man still makes me sick. But with Kevin I set it all aside and remind myself, he's not the one who hurt me. It takes so much of myself to even get turned on by him, by any man ... I'm crying to hard to even finish this. post comment

[25 Jul 2012|07:09pm] I have a very high sex drive. I like having sex. It feels good. It brings me rest at night, and vitality the next day. I used to find it odd that a rape victim would become a nympho, but it's almost like when the choice is taken from you, you place it high on a pedestal: yes, I think very high of sex, and I want it to play an important role in my relationship with someone. My biggest fear is that all the sexual turn-downs from Kevin is going to cause me to resent him, resulting in me cheating on him. post comment

[14 Jul 2012|06:05pm] I just watched Fat Head. Scary, and brutally honest. Here's a few quotes: Human health devolved when we adopted agriculture. -- Mary Dan Eades, M.D. We've never had [corn oil and other processed vegetable oils] in the human diet before, in the entire history of the world. -- Sally A. Fallon Your grandmother knew that potatoes and bread were fattening. We all knew it, until modern nutrition told us otherwise. -- Al Sears, M.D. The amount of blood sugar in your bloodstream, if you have normal blood sugar, is a little less than one teaspoon. Three hundred grams of carbohydrates [The FDA's suggested daily intake] converts to a cup and a half of sugar. -- Michael R. Eades, M.D. 1 comment|post comment

[14 Jul 2012|08:22am] LOVE these three videos ... http://www.youtube.com/embed/uCFZoqmKf5M http://www.youtube.com/embed/wGXep32_qiI http://www.youtube.com/embed/Mv1naIENqcE post comment

[12 Jul 2012|02:49am] I love how Kevin comes home and is frisky and wants to have sex, but then suggests we watch a movie at 12:30 so it doesn't get over till 2:30, and then he takes a shower. WTF, seriously?! post comment

[10 Jul 2012|10:05pm] Why was I fired? A customer returned an item without a receipt, thus resulting in her balance put onto a merchandise card (gift card) in the amount of $4.51. The customer informed me that she did not want the card and presented it to me. I kept the card and used it in January 2012 to purchase a beverage from our pop cooler, and later in June 2012 to purchase a file sorter. On July 10, 2012, loss prevention did an audit and asked me questions ranging from if I had ever stolen food or beverages, had I ever stollen merchandise, had I ever stollen money from the drawer. All of these answers were "no." Then questions started to revolve around this gift card in the amount of $4.51. I admitted to accepting and using the card. This resulted in me having to pay restitution to the store in the amount of $4.51, and then I was fired due to the company's zero tolerance policy for going against their code of conduct (I'm guessing, I wasn't given a copy of the termination papers, nor did I get a copy of proof that I paid the restitution, nor of the original statement document). post comment

[09 Jul 2012|04:16am] Quarter after 4 in the morning, and I really should be in bed. Kevin woke up about an hour ago to go to the bathroom and asked why I was still up. "I can't sleep," I replied. The chances of me going into bed now and jerking off are really high; I don't know what else to do to help make me fall asleep. The warm weather always makes me a fucking basketcase. 1 comment|post comment

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