*Kes*'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] *Kes* [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

and the point of study block is...? [29 Apr 2004|12:07pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | trains in my head.."meet virginia" ] study block, again. shimmer me timbers! im tired as a bizatch...i think i might just go home fourth block, take a shower, then go to thomases after school lets out. i was gonna skip third but i decided not to..dont wanna take my chances since i JUST got let off grounding yesterday. and hanging out with thomas is so much fun, i dont wanna not be able to see him for awhile again. im just feelin kinda "bleh" right now, like yeah-i-dont-really-give-a-poop-about-anything. brandons afro is kind of amusing though. "pulls her hair back as she screams..i dont really wanna live this life"-Train. blep. 16 more minutes! MRAH! :-/ i dunno. theres nothing to say or do...i think im gonna go webcruising i guess. post comment

-magnif, darlin'- [28 Apr 2004|11:56am] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | Korns in my head.."blame" ] GOOD GOOD GOOD TRES BIEN NEWS - im not grounded anymore! woop yeah. i just asked my mom if i could hang out with thomas today and she said yes, so yeehaw! now im all excited because i havent seen that kid in over a week out of school. thats really long. so today im all like, jumping all over him just because im pretty happy. my breath reeks from pizza though. ich. Yeah. study block is oh so fun! so im gonna go wallow in selfpity on the endulgement in cruelty from schools. (that was a long sentence.) post comment

STORYTIME! [26 Apr 2004|12:30pm] Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived this gopher named Onomotopea. (you know, that one literary term that ill never get straight.) anyway, he lived in this hole, like most gophers do. And one day, he met this lovely groundhog, and her name was...Bertha. They fell deeply in love and eloped into the deepest critters of the ground, and they eloped so far away that they forgot where there homeland is. Then february 2nd came around (or whatever groundhogs day is) and bertha chittered, "SH*T! I F*CKIN NEED TO POP OUTTA HOLE AND SEE MY G*DDAMN SHADOW!" and onomotopea was like, crap. and he made her stay cuz he loved her so much, but over the night bertha ran away to pop outta hole and onomotpea was sad. but at least spring came early that year. THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!! post comment

woop woop! [26 Apr 2004|12:00pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | nothing, but i have Shinedown in my head. ] YO YO YO! im tryin to multitask by writing in here AND writing my sweetness a note so bear with me. today has been...hmm...pretty good, i guess. i went to french for the first time in over a week! i was so confused with everything, i was like ABLEH! i had no clue what "qui est-ce que" or "quoi" meant or how to conjugate the verb "etre" and "faire". (until i looked at my notes.) history was okay; as always, dallas was being annoying, ryan was high, cody was..cody, and billy and i passed some notes. and as of now im in study block again! yeehaw! im feelin kinda "yipee" today and i have no clue why, its an ordinary, boring monday. but i woke up at the asscrack of 5:15 this morning and rode the bus so i got to see the one and only thomas before first block. hahaha, my little "daydream" book is starting to fill up...even thomas wrote one about getting revenge on his algebra teacher by taping her to the chair and shoving her down the stairs. (that rhymed!) its fun. ive written a lot of random ones..they're crazy...angry beavers, teachers that need anger management, collapsing ballerinas, human birds...etc. its just oh so fun though, it acts as a fourth journal to me. (i have a lot of different crap that i keep my thoughts in...my normal journal, my poem notebook, this, and now my daydream thing.) ANYWHO. yeah, i think im gonna skip fourth block today and just go to the creek cuz i never do anything in algebra anyways. i dont think mrs crouch cares either, maybe she just gave up on me cuz everytime she hands out something she asks me if i want it or not, and when i handed in an empty test she mumbled a "figures.", etc. SO yeah. AND its crazy, because after ALLLL those classes i missed last week i dont think mr korte is gonna give me anything. i dont wanna jinx it though, i wont be surprised if a red pass comes for me the minute after i say that. well im gonna go finish my note. post comment

..bummer.. [25 Apr 2004|02:39pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Gary Jules - Mad World ] yeah, it sucks! everyones talking about tims party and i wish i could have gone. thomas was talking about how "awesome" it was and everything and tim and chris told me some things about it. oh well. --i find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad, that the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had--Gary Jules. YEEPERS! you like so fine that i really wanna make you mine. hehe. post comment

noo oonneee knowsss [25 Apr 2004|11:45am] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | Hoobastank - the reason ] **if i could...then i would, ill go wherever you will go, way up high or down low, ill go wherever you will goooo**-the calling. BWAHA! jeebers, ive been listening to maroon 5's song "this love" nonstop ever since i downloaded it yesterday. ca-razay! Mk, well, im doin a lot better than yesterday at least which is good. i hate being in those kinda moods but now i just woke a little bit ago and i feel rested, but a little anxious cuz thomas is gonna call me in a little bit and i know that we're gonna get in another argument over last night. its all good i guess. i just dont like arguing with him because its so frustrating and ehhhh. *i trieedd to kill my paaain but only brought moore*-Evanescence. But yeah, regan told me about this dream she had which i thought was pretty cool, cuz we both believe that dreams symbolize something in real life. And she thinks it symbolizes her relationship with adam and i think the same thing. her dream was like this: Blane and her were at the beach and swimming in the water. Then they got separated, and Regan wasnt really panicked so she just swam up to shore, and while she was doing that she felt something furry brush by her leg. Then this animal that looked like a possum/rat/porcupine crawled up on shore and three more came after. Then the next thing regan saw was she was in Blanes car and one of those things were in the backseat. And in a way, regan wanted to keep it even though she was scared, and Blane told her to throw it out the window. So it crawled out the window and she heard it plop on the trunk, and then it dropped on the pavement and she heard it let out this loud, ugly shrilling sound. Then she woke up. I just think its weird because i think those things represented adam and how she wanted to keep it but blane told her to throw it out the window. Anyways. Yeah thomas is on the phone now so im gonna go. and like i said, we're arguing. post comment

-_BeLiEvE Me, IM juSt As LoSt As YoU_- [24 Apr 2004|09:51pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Still Frame - Trapt ] im pretty sick of this shit...im mad at thomas and i dont know why, its just so frustrating, every time i call him he has to go after about 10 minutes of talking and it makes me feel unwanted but so dramaqueen-like at the same time cuz its not really like me to get worried over little crap like that. hes at tims party and i dont know why that depresses me so much. i feel so fucking retarded. but something like this happens all the time. i block out everything that would upset me and then something little and dumb happens and everything just boils over and totally throws me in a hole, and everything that ive blocked out comes back and knocks me over. shit. i hate myself so bad sometimes, its indescribable and i hate hate HAAAATE it ALL! ah i dont know what to do. what the hell is my problem? ive been so depressed these past couple days...and its the worst feeling. nobody knows. its all sooooooooooooooooo tiring. and it drains everything out of me..i feel like a shriveled up prune. haha. and yet i still manage to be a dumbass at my worst. but seriously...sometimes i wonder what the point is, i have nothing at all going for me and i feel like im going in circles. im sick of the same thing everyday and im sick of everyone telling me to be somebody that im not, and i keep going back and forth on whether or not to make them happy or make myself be happy. and its so disgusting how i put on a happy face for everyone else when on the inside im screaming and pulling myself apart. i act like its all okay, life is good, nothing is bad enough to make it all end...but nothings okay, life sucks, and sometimes things just get the worst of you. "and i, i wonder why i bother..and i, i wonder why i cry, why i go through all this trouble*-Smile empty soul. **do i expect to change the past i hold inside..with all the words i say repeating over in my mind - some things you cant erase, no matter how hard you try..an exit to ESCAPE is all theres left to find..**-Trapt. ::sigh:: i cant take some of lifes bullshit sometimes. ive had people tell me that im strong before...but how am i strong when living seems so pointless??? Im not gonna go off and end it all for myself...because sure, as of right now my life is pointless but im still young and im hoping things will change and get better. but the only way thatll happen is if i MAKE them change, and i have no idea how to do that. ive almost forgotten what it feels like to be completely happy, from the inside and out..because ill be happy sometimes, i still laugh a lot and i still have a good time with people. but that nagging, dark feeling with always follow me everywhere i go. although it can be worse at times. and you know what i absolutely hate? when people tell me that im normal, a typical teenager with few problems. which i suppose is true, theres plenty of people that have it worse and im not any different than the person next to me. but i HATE being called normal and i HATE being typical. thats the worst shit ever. which is why it kills me when my mom tells me that whenever i get a LITTLE upset. i hate how she puts everything else before me, like regan and her boyfriend and andy and everyone else. i know she loves me..but after all this crap with thomas and the incident in my backyard shes just been killing me inside. ive made fucked up choices, like beating up the house when i was having what i guess you would call a breakdown but all she cared about was the broken door and the holes and dents in the walls. and then told me that i was the one who didnt get it, who didnt understand...so whatever. bleh. im just being pessimistic. i have a few good friends and an awesome, sweet boyfriend and loyal, funny siblings. im not abused by anyone else anymore and i finally got out of that. there are a few good things about me that im proud of. so its not ALL shit and bricks. well, enough of all this depressing, selfpity crap. im gonna go smoke a cigg and then im gonna listen to some happy music. post comment

damn you to hell [24 Apr 2004|07:02pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Smile empty soul - Bottom of a bottle ] take the virgin-whore dichotomy quiz. and go to mewing.net. where we're all studs. pretty gay how i took that test and they called me a whore. im tied down to my honey bunches of oats, bitches. MRAH! anyways. i think this is like my fourth entry today but oh well. i feel kinda weird right now. almost happy, but not quite. but im not sad or angry either. ????? I dunno. I do it for the druggggsssssssss i do it just to feel aliveee i do it for the looooooooove that i get from the bottle of a bottleeee. sweeet shiat! post comment

CanT StOp, AddICteD tO ThE ShiNdiG [24 Apr 2004|04:54pm] [ mood | musical ] [ music | Maroon 5, Smile empty soul, RHCP, hoobastank, jet, etc. ] -where should i go, what should i do...i dont understand what you want from me, cuz i dont know if i can trust you, from all the things that youve said to me-*hoobastank*. YEEP! today has been alright. regan and i have tanned a little bit and given andy the normal little brother shit, such as holding him down and shoving napkins in his mouth and beating him up. all in good fun though. *this love has taken its toll on me..shes said goodbye too many times before her heart is breaking in front me, and i have no choice cuz i wont say GoODbYe anymore*-Maroon 5. That song reminds me of one of my old boyfriends in minnesota...only hes a he, not a she. its an awesome song though, but i can relate to it so much its crazy!! he did say goodbye way too many times..and i always took him back, each time, until i finally said no and his heart broke in front of me but ya know what? its over with...so bleh. and i have a schweeeeet boyfriend now. anywho. im SOOO excited cuz my moms boyfriend is teaching me how to play the drums. i have so many songs i wanna learn, but im kinda jumping ahead of myself. i think this is one of the first things ive really wanted to do in a long time though. he said that im doing good though. ive always thought that drum players looked so cool and ive also always wanted to play an instrument..(besides the trumpet that i touched like twice in 5th grade band.) so yeep, cool stuff. -something missing left behind...search in circles every time i try, ive been here before...ive seen you before-Trapt. that song reminds me of regan, shes in love with trapt. i dont know why but im like obsessed with music right now...more than usual anyways.. _when you smile i melt inside..im not worthy for a minute of your time..i really wish it was only me and you, im jealous of everybody in the room_Blink 182. Theres a line for ya thomas. ::the world i love, the tears ive dropped, to be part of, the wave cant stop..ever wonder if its all for you::Red Hot Chili peppers. ANYWAYS. Theres nothing else to say, so..bye. post comment

???? [24 Apr 2004|02:17pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | skynyrd - sweet home alabama ] i just woke up awhile ago...nothing to do. and FUCKING SHIT my realone player wont play the googoo dolls for some damn reason. poooooh. Ah i HATE being grounded! i was supposed to hang out with thomas on thursday but nooo. yesterday, i was gonna go to the punisher with carth and casey but yet again, nooo. and today is tims party but can i go? NOOOOOO. although me and tim barely talk ever anymore. oh well. but yea. thomas made me feel a lot better last night with all this stuff he told me...and im so lucky to have him and other people in my life but i still feel emotionally drained from everything. its just tiring to wake up every day and having to face myself in the mirror. :( bleh. ---All the hate deep inside Slowly covering my eyes All these things I hide Away from you again All this fear holding me My heart is cold and I believe Nothing’s gonna change Until I'm broken---~12 Stones post comment

without everything.. [24 Apr 2004|12:34am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | easier to run - Linkin Park ] I dont know....for some reason...i just got in the biggest fucking depression again. i was talking to thomas and all of a sudden we got on a touchy subject and he knows whenever we talk about that it totally destroys and stomps on my mood, even if im on the top of the world. and all this shit just flooded in on me and i NEED to DO something but i cant and im trying not to but i cant let it go... i hate everything about this place in life, i swear to God. i hate everything about meeeeeee....i wish i was in waconia cuz ever since i left my life has like split in two. its one of the best things that ever happened to me cuz i met thomas...but its also gone down the shitter because its so hard to move away from 6 years of growing up with people you know and love to death. thats not even half of my problem. you know what my problem is? i think i have problems with confidence and communication and my addictions...holding onto the past crap thats happened to me...even if thomas is helping me let it go, itll always be there. its part of who i am now and if i let it go itd just be like chopping off half of my body. that shit grows on you like fucking mold. and i dont know why im so alone and angry because i have no reason to be...my family loves me, my boyfriend loves me, my friends love me, so why do i hate myself so much? *:-:*Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them, sometimes i wonder why this is happening It's like nothing I can do will distract me when/i think of how i shot myself in the back again 'Cause from the infinite words I could say Put all the pain you gave to me on display But didn't realize instead of setting it free, I took what I hated and made it a part of me*:-:* -Linkin Park. the best fucking band alive. I swear they wrote their songs for me sometimes. ah i need to let go of my past. im sick of holding it against me all the time and i get tired of the load....i want to live in the present now. but how the fuck am i supposed to do that. Im talking to thomas now and hes making me feel better. so im gonna go. post comment

POOPERS! [23 Apr 2004|09:59pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | Tourniquet - Evanescence ] i totally just fucking deleted my entry! dammit! okay..ill start over..::breathe in, breathe out:: ALRIGHT. This week has been okay, what i remember of it anyways...ive been such a shitty person and student but i had fun while doing it. (doesnt that sound horrible?) i DO remember pissing off a lot of people, mainly thomas and my family, skipping a shitload of classes, and getting caught today by juice. damn him! anywho, today was a lot better than yesterday, at least. it made my day when thomas told me how happy he was cuz ive been pissing him off way too much lately. and he wrote me a note with all the lyrics to i guess what you could call "our song", which was so sweet. i love that fucker to death. and after skipping fourth block with ryan, james, mark, etc., i went back to caseys with carth and lunchbox. that was fun. we hung by his pool and in his room (hehe i saw his bum...*TOTALLY ON ACCIDENT*) then we we went driving around with his sister. we went back to kempsville lakes and hung around for a little bit with bryant and carry and stephen miller...i havent seen that kid in awhile so that was cool. then i went home cuz im still grounded. :( but even though ive been having fun skipping and getting fucked up with my peoples, ive just felt like shit this past week...physically, mentally, socially. physically ive been fucking up my head with all this shit and i can barely remember one thing about the few classes i went to these past 5 days. mentally ive felt like a bitch and a failure, more than usual anyways. and socially, like i said, i pissed off some people i really care about. at least thomas has forgiven me (i think) for winning the award for the biggest Hypocritical Bitch. i cant stand making him mad at me, but sometimes i just cant listen to what people tell me even if its for my own good. Im just too fucking headstrong and STUPID! bleh. yeah...and it was weird tonight when blane and kienan were talking about their past addictions. not just drugs, but other stuff too...and i wanted to tell them about mine so bad but i cant cuz im still battling it. it sucks. ive been addicted to a few thing but one of them is pretty bad, and i dont know...addiction is such a strong thing...and it takes so little to start and so much to end it. anyone whose been addicted to ANYTHING can relate to me. OH! but christine called me today! that was awesome...the thing she told me was kinda weird though...not bad, just weird. i was kinda expecting her to tell me though. i was so glad to finally talk to her again, over the phone, not just over AIM. anyways, gotsta go. post comment

bleh. [23 Apr 2004|12:15pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | nothing.. ] pooooooop. im so bored in study block and theres nothing to do. im grounded again for, uh, "cheefing the reefer" in my backyard with some friends. which sucks cuz now i cant see thomas, or anyone else for that matter. but i did something cool today, well its cool in my opinion since im all into that writing/poetry/journalism crap. have you ever just sat in class, or in the car, or in your room, or wherever, and just had the craziest effing daydream? and you dont even know where it came from, it just kinda popped? i do that all the time and i decided to start writing them down, with the date and time and a title for each one. i already wrote one with mrs wimer having a breakdown in class and another one with some chick chopping off her boyfriends head in the hallway. its really awesome to do, especially if youre bored and you wanna pass time. plus, itd be cool to look back on and be like, what the hell was i thinking? hehe. 1 comment|post comment

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