But what are we buying? Nothing but silence....   
10:40pm 02/02/2003
mood: happy
music: Finch *Perfection Through Silence*
Alone at last together in a photograph
Our eyes are always open devoted to perfection through silence
What am I supposed to do? Should I sit wait for you?
Listen to me screaming more
This story is old only to thse that have no mold
The truth can be bought or sold
But what are we buying?
Nothing but silence

Fold the Corners, Break the silence...
Fold the corners just for tonight...

When weakened, when will you rise?

This is my last entry forever. So sorry. I just don't like this anymore because I feel like too many people know of this and I'm only writing what I don't mind being seen...rather than what I really think. So goodbye forever!
what a night   
03:15am 18/12/2002
mood: blah
music: Incubus *When It Comes*
"It's coming around again...letting it out again, again..."

Wow, I suddenly got very very tired. But before I crash, let me tell you about my evening. First I found out I failed biology. Yep. Failed it. This is in addition to the F in comm 250. So I'm on a great roll here. Ok, so then what happened...oh yeah. Matt got piss drunk tonight. He drank nearly half a bottle of SoCo. I stayed with him while everybody went to Wendy's. But in the fifteen minutes I was gone, taking a shower, he managed to fall deeper in his drunkenness. So I came back up here and sat in his bed with him, and I'm talking to him, rubbing his arm, and he's like "You really shouldn't touch me..." and then gets this awful look on his face. So I handed him the trash can and away he went...vomming his little heart out. Haha it wasn't bad at all or even close to the way I was last week or whenever it was that I ralphed out 90% of my brain. That was fucking insane. And awful. But he took care of me then, and stayed with me all night, so here I am, in his room, ready to take care of him if he needs me. But, as it turns out, he's been passed the fuck out since he vommed. He was talking in his sleep earlier, not making much sense or speaking any real words, just mumbling. Hehe it was cute. What sucks about it is that tonight was our last night together at Mason. Hmm. That blows. I don't know if we're doing anything tomorrow. That really sucks if we don't cos this is a pretty shitty way to leave.

It's great, though, cos he's taking me to the airport on thursday. Dad has a plane to catch that same day - I'm going to Oklahoma, he's going to Ohio... He got back from Germany tonight and got me a liter beer mug. He says its pretty cool. I'm not telling him about bio til I get to Oklahoma. I'm fucking scared of what he's going to decide for me when he learns of my grade. Mom says he may not let me come back here. God, I hope that's not true. I'll fucking go crazy.

Tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. I can tell already. I have to get up, get Matt's ass up, pack my shit, go home, go to my doctor's appt, and if I have time, sell back my books. Ack! I'm already dreading it all!
"I'ma do for me what's right..."   
12:28pm 15/12/2002
mood: busy
music: Justa *Nothin Else*
Have to study for western civ. God I hate this class.

Someone save me. Or just take my test for me. :)

Had a busy night last night. The boys played poker til 4 am, and then I didn't go to sleep til 8. Hehehe.
"Never been afraid to holler about anything..."   
09:49pm 14/12/2002
mood: energetic
music: Jay-Z and Eminem *Renegade*
I love this song. A lot. Oh so much.

I burned a shitload of cds yesterday. They make me so happy too. Thanks to Rob for lending his rad collection to me.

The boys are supposed to play poker tonight, and I'm supposed to be poker slut (yay for me).

"You should be coming home with me, sittin in this lap full of luxury...Now let's fuck all nite..."

Gotta go now. My boy is back.
the longest day ever   
03:55am 13/12/2002
mood: confused
music: the silence of the 3rd floor
I woke up early this morning. Well, early for me anyway. So yeah, I've been up nearly 20 hours and yet I'm not the least bit tired. I'm thinking a lot right now, so that's probably the reason for my energy. Not bad thinking, not good thinking, just thinking.

I took my bio final today. That was easy. And quick. Courtney and I had fun in there together.

Matt and I are supposed to go see Nemesis tomorrow night. But Kitty and I are supposed to go to the HFSmas Nutcracker.

I'm worried about something right now. Yeah. I'd like to go sleep in my bed, but Meg and Rob are in there. They're not doing anything but sleeping, but I just feel like lying in my bed and listening to Justa or Coldplay right now. Help sort out my thoughts. I can't though, cos I'll wake them up and that's no good. Oh, I have a bad feeling. But when don't I, ya know? It's weird, cos I can't put my finger on what's wrong. I just know something is. Or something's about to be. Fuck. This can't be good. I shouldn't be such a freak like this. lol. It's not good for me.

Stacey's going to be in NYC tomorrow and she's going to meet Justa. Eek! I can't believe it! It's all so rad, and I'm so happy she gets to see him in person (so pretty!) but I wish I could meet him too. Some day...

Holy fucking shit man. Its fucking 4:05 in the morning. ("It's 4 o'clock in the fuckin morning!") And Matt's been outside forever and a day out on the phone. Do you have any idea how cold it is? It's like 30 degrees, if that! He's been out there for nearly 2 hours or something! Kitty, Courtney, Creech and I all went to 7-11 (actually 2 of 'em) to get slurpees, and George and I sat in silence looking awkwardly at each other, lol, and he's been gone the whole time. Freak.

Ok, there's not a damn thing to do. And George can't entertain me, nor can I entertain him. And Matt's still outside. And everyone and they're fucking dog is asleep, so maybe I should sleep too. Or attempt such a thing. Alright. Here I go. Peace suckas.

Countdown to Oklahoma: 5 days...
"The damage is done so I guess I'll be leaving..."   
01:29pm 12/12/2002
mood: busy
music: Justa *Cry Me A River* (live and fucking amazing!!)
I have a final in 3 hours. Bio. I'll be so glad once its over cos then I have the weekend to look forward to.

Rob's getting here in a little bit, probably right before I leave to take my test. Meg's excited and a little nervous too. Aw, she likes him. :) Its so damn cute.

Ok, so back to studying. Well, really, back to fucking off til the final comes around. I hope Courtney wakes up soon. We need to run to the bookstore and get scantrons.
"As long as you're alive, here I am...I promise I will take you there..."   
04:16am 12/12/2002
mood: drained
music: silence
[ Start ]
What time is it?: 3:40am
What is the date?: 12.12.02
Why are you filling this out?: can't...make myself...sleep yet

[ Me ]
Full name:Emily Marie Botrel...
Do you like it?: sure
Nicknames: Em, Emy, Emmy, Emo, Suck...
Age: 19
DOB: 4.1.83
Height: 5'8"
Hair color: very much blonde
Eye color: blue-ish...
Where do you live?: VA
Do you like it there?: it has its benefits
Why/Why not: b/c anything's better than Oklahoma
Where were you born?: texas
Astrological sign: aries
Shoe Size: 8

[ Favorites ]
Number: 10
Color: green
Car: jeep
Season: summer
Holiday: christmas
Month: april
Day of the week: saturday
Grade so far: 14th
Sport: basketball, football
Class: napping
Teacher so far: prof. smith
Drink: mountain dew
Candy: blow pops
Food: mac and cheese
Fruit: pears and bananas
Veggie: yucka
Dessert: brownies and ice cream
TV show: friends
Radio station: hfs
CD: justified
Movie: clueless, usual suspects, tommy boy, rom and jul, dazed and confused...
Song: cry me a river
Word: jibiduh
Phrase: "lovely"
Animal: jack russell terriers
Flower: white lilies
Clothing store: bebe
States (that you've been to): oklahoma, tx, kansas, colorado, nebraska, south dakota, minnesota, wisconsin, ohio, indiana, illinois, tenn, mississippi, missouri, arkansas, west VA, VA, NC, SC, PA, georgia...
Ice cream: coffe or one sweet whirled

[ This or That ]
Me/You: you
AOL/AIM: aim
CD/Cassette: CD
Radio/CD: CD
Jeans/Khakis: jeans
Car/Truck: car
Corvette/Camero: camero
Strong/Weak: strong
Upset/Pissed: pissed
Tall/Short: tall
Lunch/Dinner: Dinner
Abercrombie/Hollister: crombie
Gap/Old Navy: old navy
Nsync/BSB: nsync
Britney/Christina: britney
Love/Lust: love
Gone In 60 Seconds/The Fast and the Furious: The Fast and the Furious
Inside/Outside: outside
Lipstick/Lipgloss: Lipgloss
Silver/Gold: Silver
Piercings/Tattoos: tattoos
Football/Basketball: football
Thunder/Lightning: thunder
This/That: this

[ Friends ]
Who is your best girl friend?: meg and kit
Why/Why not: cos they rock my world and i love them
Who have you known the longest?: phillip
Who do you dislike the most?: none of my friends, unless dan pisses me off
Was your crush/bf/gf a close friend before you liked them?: kinda
Craziest: dan
Loudest: kitty
Funniest: courtney
Quietest: creech
Sweetest: meg
Most understanding: kitty
Best dressed: kitty
Biggest flirt: matt
Most likely to have a 2 year relationship: eh...
Cutest couple: um...since i only know of 2 couples and i'm one of them...
Most athletic: the 3rd floor boys
If you were stuck with only 2 friends, who would you pick and why?: kitty and meg cos they're my faves
If you could date >ONE< guy friend, who would you date and why?: matt cos we're already together
Most likely to be a stripper: me :)
Doctor: courtney
Teacher: meg
Stay at home Mom: me :)
One you'd travel across the world for: meghan
If you could take 5 friends to paradise with you to live, who would you take and why would they be the best? meg, kitty, matt, dan and phillip
Smartest: meg
Who would do anything for a thousand dollars?: me :)
Who has the nicest parents?: meg
Who is like your adopted sister/brother?: meg
Who is the most like you?: hmmm

[ Love + Relationships ]
Do you have a bf/gf?: yes
If not, do you have a crush?: ...
If so, who?: ...
How long have you liked your bf/gf/crush?: since around October (?)
What about them do you like so much?: pretty much everything
How long have you known them?: almost 4 months
What was your longest relationship?: um...
Who was your first love (if you've had one)?: ...
Do you miss them (if your not still together)?: ...
Who is one person you've liked but >NEVER< said a thing?: no one, i can't keep crushes secret for very long

[ Past ]
If you could take back one thing you did, what would it be and why?: not waited for david
Do you have any regrets?: nope
Last thing you said: "can you not sleep?" to meg
Last song you heard: "don't fear the reaper" by BOC
Last person you talked to: meg
If you could get back together with an ex, who would it be and why?: how bout none

[ Present ]
What are you doing right now?: this...and burping
What CD is in your CD player?: kelis, 3eb, and something else...
Are you cold?: no
How are you sitting?: on my leg, in a chair
Is there music on?: no, dead silence
What time is it?: 4:09am
Where are your parents?: in their homes asleep i assume

[ Future ]
How old will you be when you graduate high school?: i WAS 18 at the time
Are you going to get married?: if all goes as planned
Although you cant tell who you'll marry, is there anyone you'd wish it would be?: yeah
Are you going to have children?: hope so
If yes, how many?: ideally 3 or 4
What will you name them?: girls options: lorelai, rory, emma, sophie, chloe, isabelle...boys: joshua....
Do you want to go to college?: i should want to since i'm already here i suppose
Which college: not george mason! not george mason!!
What kind of car will you want to drive: jeep grand cherokee, and eventually a navigator for the fam :)
What kind of job will you have: justin timberlake's publicist
What's your expectations for when your 25?: out of college, awesome job, settling down

[ Others ]
Do you write in cursive or print?: depends on my mood
Do you believe in God?: i definitely believe in a higher being
What do you think of rainbows?: GAY!! haha jk...i think of a big fat pot of gold
Do you have any piercings/tattoos?: no piercings, 2 tattoos
If so, where?: lower belly
If not, do you want any, where?: ....
What do you think of Eminem?: i luff him
Is Tupac Shakur really dead?: why not
What do you think of Britney and Justin?: they're better off broken up, and he's better off with me :)
If you could live anywhere else, where would you live?: san diego
Do you drive?: yep
Do you have braces or glasses?: glasses but i wear contacts
Like milk and cookies?: mm hmm
Ever worn black nail polish?: yes
What color nail polish do you have on?: blue
Do you do things even when your parents say no?: of course
Ever taken anything from a hotel?: everytime
Did you talk to your crush/bf/gf today?: hahaha yes...a lot
If so, for how long?: all damn day long
If not, why not: ....
Do you think this is stupidly long?: yes
Did you like it?: eh
Why/Why not: it gave me something to do

[ Finish ]
What time is it?: 4:16 am
What is the date?: 12.12.02
Why did you just do this?: bored
"Touched it to your *candy* lip balm..."   
12:05am 12/12/2002
mood: amused
music: Justa *Right For Me*
It's official. I love Elijah Wood. He loves Queens of the Stone Age, therefore I love him. Ah.

Speaking of boys I am quite find of, Matt and I got back together. Well I'm not quite sure when it happened, but it was after Thanksgiving break. And so since it was kind of a blur, we decided that we officially got together yesterday. Haha. Its all so silly. But its great. Really really great.

I'm leaving for a month, though, next thursday. Perfect timing. I'm gonna miss him. A lot.

And you know what else sucks? My best friend is moving back to Charlottesville nextt weekend. She won't even be around this weekend because she has to take some things back home. :( This blows. What am I gonna do next semester without her? God, I'm going to miss her. :(
"How long must you wait for him..."   
08:28am 08/12/2002
mood: quixotic
music: Coldplay *In My Place*
Today is one of those days. One of those days when there's nothing to do, so I'm left with my thoughts. Days like this I tend to overanalyze everything and almost always end up making myself sad. I hate days like this.

"Singing please, please, please come back and sing to me..."

I hate the way I feel. All antsy and bored and full of too many thoughts. So now I'm getting the fuck off this computer and making myself do something slightly productive. Maybe I'll look through pictures and remember times that make me want to shoot myself in the fucking foot or something. Remember times that really sucked and then things won't seem so god damn complicated now. Like senior year. And all that bullshit. Waaaaaait. I threw out all those pictures. I threw them out for the sole reason of never being able to look back and remember how fucked up everything was. Ack.

I'm going home in 10 days. Its gonna be great cos I definitely need a break from everything.

What the fuck!!!!!!!!!!! Stacey is going to TRL on Friday and Justa gonna's be there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is so awesome!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk!!!
08:06am 08/12/2002
  [Spell your name back wards]: ylime
[Are you a lesbian?]: not today, thank you
[How old?]: 19
[Where do you live?]: VA...Oklahoma in 10 days :(
[4 words that sum you up]: itis, hungry, rad, green

[Wallet]: enormous
[Hairbrush]: full of hair
[Toothbrush]: in need of replacement
[Jewelry worn daily]: mom's ring, nan's ring, meg's ring...no more celtic ring b/c its LOST!!
[Pillow cover]: blue with stars
[Blanket]: green with stars
[Coffee cup]: none
[Sunglasses]: broken in my drawer
[Underwear]: on me
[Shoes]: only socks right now
[Handbag]: meg's blue nike bag
[Favorite top]: Concord Hill sweatshirt
[Favorite pants]: my dirty ol jeans
[Cologne/Perfume]: B&BW sunsweet kiwi
[CD in stereo right now]: Oasis - What's the Story Morning Glory, Aaliyah - Aaliyah, Boy II Men - II
[Tattoos]: 2 green stars
[Piercings]: nope
[What you are wearing now]: "woke up, i had the same clothes on i had on last night...." - n.e.r.d
[Hair]: greasy and covered up with a bandanna
[Makeup]: not much at all

WHO or WHAT (was/is/are) -
[In my mouth]: my saliva
[In my head]: coldplay - in my place
[Wishing]: i could understand this whole thing better. just when it starts to make sense...
[After this]: curling up into the fetal position
[Talking to]: no one cos meg's on the phone
[Eating:]: myself out
[Fetishes]: that's between me and my sinner
[If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason?]: no one
[Person you wish you could see right now]: my ma
[Is next to you]: mega
[Some of your favorite movies]: usual suspects, rom & jul, clueless, empire records, almost famous
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: vacation, working, making money, coming back to va, MY 20th BIRTHDAY!!
[The last thing you ate?]: sponge-like waffles and filmy bacon, followed by sprite and rice krispies
[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: drowning
[Do you like candles]: yes
[Do you like hot wax]: putting my fingertips in them, yes
[Do you like incense]: not lately
[Do you like the taste of blood]: my own doesn't bother me if i have a cut or something
[Do you believe in love]: yes
[Do you believe in soul mates]: yes
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: eh
[Do you believe in Heaven]: hopefully there's something better than this
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes
[Do you believe in God]: i believe in a higher being
[What do you want done with your body when you die]: placed on my mother's couch where i will continue to sit until the smell gets too bad for her to handle :)
[Who is your worst enemy?]: other girls :)
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: jack russell
[What is the latest you've ever stayed up]: 40 or so hours
[Ever been to Belgium?]: no, but i will someday
[Can you eat with chopsticks]: fuck no
[What's your favorite coin?]: quarter
[What are 5 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: san diego, LA, la baule, sydney, paris
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: coffee ice cream, doritos, pringles, little chocolate donuts, ramen, easy mac
[What's something that you wish people would understand?]: I am NOT anorexic
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: everything!!!
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: Julian, Jason, Phillip C., Phillip S., Chris, Nathan...
[What's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow?]: i want my horoscope to be true!!
i knew it.   
07:36pm 07/12/2002

Of course.
06:19pm 06/12/2002
mood: melancholy
music: N.E.R.D - Am I High
current clothes: graduation socks, jeans, and a tshirt (i need to do laundry!)
current hair: wet and in a towel
current scent: cinnamon apple
current mood: happy and guh
current music: clipse
current taste: nada
current smell: lotion
current annoyance: the trouble i might be in
current thing i ought to be doing: nada!
current desktop picture: justa's fine ass of course
current favorite artist: clipse
current favorite group: coldplay
current book: soon to be 1984
current dvd in player: no dvd player
current color of toenails: pink
current refreshment: water
current worry: the trouble i might be in
current crush: Coleman

you touched: Mega
you talked to: Mega
you hugged: Mega
you instant messaged: Adam, Coleman, and Shaun
you yelled at: my family
you had a crush on: ....
who broke your heart: some dumb ass back home

person: Justin Timberlake
food: mac and cheese
drink: slurpee
color: green
shoes: my too-small tennies
candy: blow pops
animal: tiger (heh heh)
tv show: friends
dance: "i'm a slave 4 u"
song: Justa - Cry Me a River
vegetable: NONE!!
fruit: bananas and pears

kill: no one
kiss: the same person i've been smooching
hug: Nathan Alexander Dukes (13 days!!!!!!!)
hook up: Justa and Pharrell (hehe)
shake: no one at the moment
be like: myself
talk to offline: Shaun
They call me Pusha for one reason...Cos I keep that sniff all season...   
06:07pm 06/12/2002
mood: okay
music: Clipse *Cot Damn*
Bridget Jones's Diary. The best movie!! God, its so perfect. And Mark Darcy. Ahhh. And the kiss outside in the snow. So romantic.

I need to find something to do. I took a shower and watched Bridget Jones, and now I'm bored.

And just when things were starting to turn out better for me, guess what happened. I got a letter in the mail. From the Dean of students. I'm being charged with being intoxicated while on campus. Yup. Isn't that nice? I love it. I have to go meet with him next week. I can't wait.

Wow, Eve has a tattoo on her wrist. Hmmm. Oh wow - the best clothes are on MTV right now. Fashionably loud is so great. :)
04:50am 01/12/2002
mood: blank
music: Sneaker Pimps *6 Underground*
Well, its officially my sister's 10th birthday. And you know what I'm going to do? Bail on her birthday extravaganza. I really don't feel like getting dressed up and going to the Kennedy Center.

Oh no. I might throw up. The horrible O-Town song is on MTV right now. What a bad video. So bad.

I'm talking to Daniel right now. That whole thing sucks. He's no fun to talk to, and now that I know him better, he's really kinda blah. Hmmm. I really don't feel like dealing with him anymore. At all.

I'm tired. Tired and sore. And I think I might go to bed now. Goodnight.
Am I losing you....   
08:52pm 24/11/2002
mood: excited
music: Finch *Without You Here*
I'm on Kitty's computer. She's really antsy, trying to get me off of here, but - guh! - I'm on blurty. Now she's trying to get me to suck her peppermint peen. Ugh.

But she's making me ramen. And I love her.

Broocks will be here shortly! Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Oh what you do to me....No one knows...   
03:07am 24/11/2002
mood: tired
music: Queens of the Stone Age *No One Knows*
So full. Meg, Laura and I went to Ian's to drink and hang out. Meg and I barely drank a thing, especially me (who only had a sip of Sprite and SoCo), but we smoked...Meg - twice as much as me. Then we went to Harris Teeter and bought some ramen and handisnacks. Mmmmm! It was delish. But Mega and I are full on the ramen now. She's passed out, actually, from all the eating we did. And I'm on the verge of falling asleep. So off to bed I go. Dream sweets all.

Oh yeah...Brantley's birthday is Monday. 26. So old!
Baby, don't you wanna....dance up on me....   
09:24am 22/11/2002
mood: ecstatic
music: Justa *Senorita*
Last night we went to Philly to see a show. Coheed and Glassjaw. Coheed only played 5 songs. I couldn't believe it! But they still rocked my world. And Glassjaw was amazing live. It was funny cos Darryl is so energetic and has such a rad stage presence, but offstage, he's really timid and seems shy. It's funny. I talked to Beck about Daniel, and he told me to tell Daniel to come out of the closet cos he's gay. Ha. It was hilar. They described his personality to a T too. That was weird. But funny.

We ended up getting back at 3-ish. That wasn't too bad. I was really tired til we got here, then I had a lot of energy. I slept upstairs, lol of course, but I could not sleep for the life of me. I kept waking up throughout the night. And Coleman slept like a damn rock. So I don't feel very rested today.

I talked to my mom earlier, and, I swear to god, she puts everything into perspective for me. And only she can do that. Other people can offer their advice, but my momma knows.

OH. MY. GOD. The greatest concert ever is happening on December 8th in Clearwater, FL. The GREATEST!!! Here's who's gonna be there: Finch.........The Used.......Something Corporate.......and NERD!!!!! NERD!!! My favorite people in the god damn world!!! I really wish I could go. It would be the most amazing concert of my life! Well, maybe...I don't know if anything could be better than the Sprite show in Charlotte. Kitty and I were talking about that trip last night on the way back from Philly, and I almost teared up a little. Ha. It was just so fun. :)

Now I have to go show Creech a video from last week where Kitty talks about him. Ha. Its so cute.
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushie stuff   
11:16am 20/11/2002
mood: jubilant
music: Jay-Z & Pharrell *I Just Wanna Love Ya (Give It 2 Me)* live!!!
The last week has been very interesting. VERY interesting. I wish I could explain fully how fun its been, but, nah, I'll just keep it to myself. :)

I'm going to Philly on Friday to see Glassjaw and Coheed. It's gonna be a rad show, especially cos I already have the hookup with Glassjaw. Daniel used to work with 2 of their techs, and apparently I just have to tell them he's my friend and all will be grand. lol. How cheese. Dropping roadie names.

Saw the meteor shower the other night. How lovely. It was freezing outside, and unfortunately, I could't quite enjoy it the way I wanted to, but oh well. It was cool anyway.

Oh, yeah! We're seeing 2 Skinnee J's next weekend in Jersey. And the weekend after that, we're going down to Norfolk to see Hoobastank and Sparta! I can't wait! We have a busy couple of weeks ahead of us.

Thanksgiving is next week, and I'm dreading going to dad's. Or wherever it's being held. Guh. I told him I'm only coming home for that day and then staying at Dan's. He didn't like that too much.

Oh my, what is with the all the smiTs? They're everywhere!! Even I'm becoming one again. It's so silly. :)
     Read 1 - Post
this is the last time, maybe....   
06:15pm 17/11/2002
current clothes: NYU sweatshirt, striped pj pants
current hair: down, blonde, and dirty
current scent: guh
current mood: guh
current music: janet jackson
current taste: easy mac
current smell: the room
current annoyance: why does he call me so infrequently?
current thing i ought to be doing: showering!!
current desktop picture: justa's fine ass
current favorite artist: jay-z
current favorite group: 311 (its a sprite tour thang!)
current book: none
current dvd in player: no dvd player
current color of toenails:chipped deep purple
current refreshment:good ol' water
current worry: no worries
Current Crush: the one with the Mountain Dew

last person
you touched: Mega
you talked to: Whitney and Whitney
you hugged: Mega
you instant messaged: Whitney
you yelled at: my family
you had a crush on: the one with the Mountain Dew
who broke your heart: guh

person: guh
food: sandwiches! *especially from the Pat*
drink: slurpee
color: green
shoes: my slippers
candy: blow pops
animal: rabbits
tv show: friends
dance: "i'm a slave 4 u"
song: Finch - What It Is To Burn
vegetable: NONE!!
fruit: bananas and pears

understanding: try to be
open-minded: yup
arrogant: occasionally
insecure: eh, sometimes
interesting: eh
hungry: every second of my life
friendly: try to be
smart: when i want to be
moody: yes
childish: uh huh
independent: not as much as i want to be
organized: not at all
healthy: ha!
emotionally stable: right now...yes
shy: only at first
difficult: sometimes
attractive: kitty likes me and thats all that matters
bored easily: oh yeeeah
Messy: hahaha
Thirsty: i'm parched
responsible: never
obsessed: do you even have to ask?
angry: only at the right time
sad: sometimes :(
happy: most of the time :)
trusting: not at first
ill: i pretend to be
talkative: not when kitty's talking
original: nah
different: not really
controversial: only to my dad and Nan
unique: we're all snowflakes
ignored: no
content: pretty much
optimistic: always
a thinker: all i do
self-disciplined: NOT AT ALL!!!!
sleepy: all the time
lonely: only at night

kill: justin
kiss: the same person i've been smooching
hug: the DJ
hook up: Creech and Coleman (haha!)
shake: my pillow..and then rest my head on it and passs the fuck out
be like: myself
talk to offline: the DJ
06:06pm 17/11/2002
mood: confused
music: Janet Jackson *Together Again*
The weather sucks today. Its rainy and dark and just so blah.

Meg and Kitty are going with Stace to the Jewel show tonight. Its an acoustic show and they get to hang out with Jewel afterward, so its all pretty rad. :)

Ok, so things ended with Coleman on Tuesday I think. Yeah. But we're still cool, and *friends*, which is awesome. Ha we were only together for like a week. Hm.

With all the uh, stuff..I've been doing this weekend, you'd think I'd be really clearheaded. But I have so much on my mind. I'm still very much confused when it comes to my family...and the DJ...and xmas break at home...and a huge money drought...and grades...

And I've realized this week how quickly time goes by. Elisabeth is about to be 10. Nate's gonna be 13 soon. Fuck, I'm gonna be 20 in 4 months!! 20. Oh my god. And its been almost 2 years since Pop passed away. I really need to go by Arlington soon and visit because I've only been once since the funeral. This song makes me think of him. Thankfully, it doesn't make me sad. I'm glad I'm past that point. I know it'll be a different story at Thanksgiving. With everybody except him there. Hm. It was hard at graduation, and at Christmas, but I think the worst was on my birthday this year. Especially with what happened to Nan. God, I bawled for forever it felt like. Ha and there's really no reason for me to have done that. I just cried and cried for no real reason. I miss him though. Not having someone else in the family to back me up. Especially when Dad and Nan and now Leslie think I'm such a bad kid. He never thought that. He would never think that. I wish Dad could be more like that. Not so intense. And definitely more chill.