| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
REM - talk about the passion |
] |
I've been thinking about how much I'm looking forward to graduating and finally leaving this place. There's so many memories that I have associated with here, and let's face it: a lot of them suck. Not that I didn't learn a lot, but I'm ready to leave it all behind and start a new life somewhere else.
It's a funny feeling, that of being at the closing of an era. I've had many such "eras" in my life...blocks of time that I imagine to be sort of the psychological equivalent of sedimentary rock. Layers that are time capsules of my life, basically. This place feels like a wasteland to me. The only reason I'm here is to finish my degree: that's it. It's kind of scary to contemplate the future after that, but I think I'm finally ready.
So it's wierd, it's like I'm at the end of a chapter of my life. This place is such a reminder of my younger self, and it's not a good thing. I hope I get into grad school. I think it'll be easier to meet cool people in a new place that way.
In other news, I had brunch at B's family's place today. Um...buttery bagels and sausage. Talk about a heart attack on a plate. His sister was there, very much "with child". It was funny, I kept teasing her that I didn't believe she was really pregnant, that I knew she had just been drinking too much beer lately. *snicker* It's kind of scary though, I said something like "I never want to go through that (ie: pregnancy)" and she said that she didn't either, until she got married and then she all of a sudden wanted to crank out kids.
Why is that? Why is it that perfectly sensible, rational women all of a sudden seem to get the baby fever? Is this going to happen to me someday too? I really hope not, because I strongly suspect that dealing with the responsibility of raising a child would drive me stark raving mad in very short order. It's just not anything I want to have anything to do with. I need lots of alone time and I can't stand to have someone always bugging me. Even if I ever got married, my husband would have to understand that. They always say that it's different when it's your own kid but somehow I really doubt that. I know I definitely got on my mother's nerves all the time when I was a kid and I can't imagine that's all that uncommon. Besides, if it was really "different when it's your own" then why would any kids wind up getting abused? Usually kids just get abused because they were driving their parents nuts and the parents didn't know how to deal with it in a sensible manner; most abusive parents aren't really evil sadists. Of course they exist, but I think most of the time it's just a matter of poor anger management skills on the part of parent.
So I don't really buy into the whole idea that all of a sudden if I had a kid that I'd be all into the motherhood thing and it wouldn't bother me anymore to have to wait on someone's every need 24-7. Besides, I hear moms talk and it definitely does sound like their kids drive them nuts a lot. I guess it makes them happy or something but I really don't think it's for me.
So it's really scary to think that it's possible that someday my mind will change; that I'll have no control or say about it and that'll just be it: I'll HAVE to have a baby now and damn the consequences. I mean, that's what so many women make it sound like and it really scares me. I really hope it doesn't really have to be that way. Frankly I can think of a lot better things to do with my life than crank out kids.
On a lighter note, I'm rediscovering my love for 80s-era REM. I've realized lately that my musical tastes are firmly stuck in the 80s to a large degree, even the stuff I like that isn't new wave. I'm becoming a grown-up. Yikes!
|
sleepy
working
1 (7.7%)
hungry
tired
worried
lazy
cranky