| so much for my happy ending.. |
[11 Apr 2005|11:04pm] |
All right, here I go again with this venting thing.....i can't think of where to start, but I'm sure once I get started I'll go for a while..
I've been waiting all night for you to call me, I've carried my phone everywhere, because I know the moment I would put it down, yoiu'd call...but you never did, I guess I'd rather hold the phone all night, then miss you call the one time I put my phone down.
I started a new book today, I've only read 2 chapters, so I can't tell you if it's good or not, it's invisible monsters by chuck palahnuik...I remember when there was someone in my life who wanted to do things with me, who thought it'd be fun to read the same book at the same time..just because..just to have one more thing to talk about..
i hate how...lets call him..RALPH...woin't talk to me..i really needed him yesterday..on the edge of some sort of emotional break down..the only person i wanted was Ralph and yet..i couldn't get him to talk to me, i know he has to be in Sacramento tomorrow.and how I'd fucking melt if he drove the rest of the way to see me in Reno...that would be..amazing..but A. he's not amazing...B.he doesn't have a car to get him that far...and C. that would make me happy..and i apparently don't deserve it..but it would make everything better, it would make the fact that he didn't call me all day okay...for once in my life i had good timing though...if i was in Fairfield right now...I'd probably be 10 times worse...but when i come here, I'm a big kid...i go to a fucking restaurant and eat by myself..i go place by myself and enjoy my time alone..i don't have to worry about seeing any familiar faces, or bumping into anyone i don't want to see. I don't have to be sitting in my room right now, thinking about whether or not i should call Ralph mind you..i am thinking about it, and i do have a mild urge to call him..but it's not horrific..i'm planning a busy schedule for myself...tomorrow I'll wake up..go to lunch with my aunt, make a cheesecake, order take out perhaps visit my grandma..and then have some peaceful alone time with a new pack of a cigarettes, a new book, and my iced chai tea latte...sounds like a fucking amazing day doesn't it? i thought so...
tick tick tick
that's the sounds of time running out....thats the sounds of me about to make some sort of change in my life because i can't stand the same fucking routine every day. i have two lame jobs..that if i could just get the BALLS to quite, i could perhaps venture out into the world a little more..i could get a job as a waitress somewhere and make more then I'm making with two jobs put together..and thats retarded... i wanna go to college..but why can't i get around to going? maybe I'll go on wednesday..talk to a counselor or something? we'll se how that goes. why isn't there any easy ways out in life...i get what i want a lot of the time, but I'm still sitting here wondering why i never get what i want...there's a gap in my life..i don't know what kind of gap exactly..but it's there, and it's making it's self known more and more each day...if i don't fix it, it'll get bad, and it scares me to think on what i might do..i'd like to think I'm unpredictable, and I'd like to think that I'm unique, free, independent, outgoing..and i'm none of those things
i learned a very important lesson this week:
"The only person that will ever be there for me, is me"
and as cheesy as that sounds, it's the truth, and an important one at that...i can't rely on anyone else...fuckin' Ralph...the only person that i needed/wanted. the only person that could have made my life THAT much easier..not only decides to do the opposite..BUT get mad at me NOT talk to me NOT call me, AND right before i leave to reno..we were supposed to have our alone time, we were supposed to talk about things, but instead they got brought up at a wrong time, the wrong place, and now you won't call me...i know what you'll say when i get home, you'll say what any guy would say "i didn't want to call and interrupt you time in Reno" and that's a line there boys and girls, just for future reference...fuck you fuck you fuck you..and just in case your thinking "why don't you call him" well my friends, i won't call him because when he gets in his "moods" he tells me to just leave him alone and wait it out, wait til he's ready to talk..i texted him last night, i gave him an idea on how i felt...but whatever...i don't mean anything to him..he doesn't want me, he just needs me, he needs me to fill some sort of pathetic void..he's only and I'm there to kiss him when he needs me to and that's all that matters, as long as he has someone to curl up next to when HE wants to..forget what i need or when i need it, cause he won't be there, so i better get that out of my fucking head...it's all about him him him, and it always will be, i can't see there ever being a "me and him" not in this lifetime, and as much as he says he wants me, it's all lies...he told me my purpose in life was to make him happy, that's all he's concerned about is me making me happy, the one moment i don't make him happy the one moment where there's a little storm in paradise, it's over..forget you, it's son easy for him to drop me like it's nothing and pick me up again, he will never get anywhere in life if he never wants to work anything out...life is not easy! life will not always take you where you want to go! dancing flowers are not going to be in every scene of the movie of your life....and if he's ever going to get anywhere in life, he's gonna need to learn how to deal with it a little better...not to shut out one of the only people that really cares for him, one of the only people that will drop everything they're doing, in a heart beat, just to be with them, just to be there for them when they need to vent, to be there for them to listen and tell them that you understand and that you care, be there with a cigarette in your hand, ready to light at any moment, just to make them as happy as possible, just to make their tough situation as bearable as possible...without me your going to hold shit in a be miserable and i hope you realize that, i hope you realize what you've lost..i hope that you understand what it feels like to not have anyone there for you..i know exactly what you'll...in fact i think i bet money on it..if i left your life, if i no longer bent over backwards for you, you'd go back to...lets call her..barbie...that's what you'd do...you'd run to barbie because she's your safe spot..it doesn't matter if you can't stand her, it doesn't matter if your not happy, because it's what your used to, it's what you know..it's going back into an old routine..and hey! you'd even make your parents a lot happier too...everyone would be happy but you..and once in a while you'll look back and say.."hey, Samantha made me happy, but i really fucked that up"
i hope this is all just venting..but the truth of the matter is, i can see it happening, i can see it all so clearly...pieces of a puzzle falling into place..that's all it'll be...I'm not worth trying for, and i never will be...no one will do for me what i do for them, bend over backwards...leave me surprises to show they care....bring me apple cider when i'm sick in bed....yea...bitter bitter bitter thoughts
It's 10:49 and I know he won't call, I'm almost sure he's in bed now..he has to be up at 5am tomorrow...if was ever going to call me at all, it would have been before he went to bed...
I am an angry teenager who hates life..that is that...
i cried a lot yesterday..and i don't know why...i lied..i have know why...i actually have hope why..yea
dammit, that fucker WILL have to call me, cause i have a $100 car part that I'm sure he will want eventually..and i really want to be immature, i really want to go and drop it off at his house, and play angry person..but i don't want things left like that, i can't help but have a heart, i can't help that i want him to remember me in a good way, remember that i was caring and understanding to him, not the immature girl that drops off something at his house to show how bitter i am...if her doesn't call me though...if her doesn't call me...things will probably get a little cloudy in Samantha land, i will do something to get me out of the same, boring, day to day schedule..i will, i promise...bitter bitter bitter..maybe i'll go read...i think I'm okay with my venting-ness at the moment...time heals all wounds..time heals all wounds...
my birthday is soon...what are you gonna get me?
hmm..i guess this venting-ness changed points of views a lot..and might not make sense...but it's just rambling, and I don't have to justify myself to you any longer!
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