rain away the pain   
05:12am 20/09/2005
  The pain is growing. Intensity nears. The crying and hoping is inevitable, my dear. Less one walks solo, less one breaks away. Less one makes love to a knife, on her last day. To more for tears. To more for grief. To more who'd loved her, in disbelief.
Never having a chance. Never considering chances. Never balancing life and advancing romances. Always or never. Now is too soon. The rain falls lightly under a waning moon.
I hate you   
10:09am 29/12/2004
  I sat there on the floor...
trying to cry away the shame.
I cannot contain my suffering.. it courses through my vains.
I want to convey myself, but words cannot explain. I killed them. killed them dead.
     Read 2 - Post
the knowing   
07:56pm 02/04/2004
mood: confused
music: hellbound-pantera
Ever sense I can remember..as far back as I can think...I have had the knowing...even when I didn't know what the knowing Was. i see things...lol..sorta like a skitzo. I feel skitzo sometimes. the knowing can be scary.
i read about my symptoms...people call the knowing postcognition and intuitive premonitions feels like energy is all and for a glimpse of a second i feel like a map and its like i am just told they way...like i see mile markers leading up to something bigger....it can be so horrid sometimes...when i say see, i dont mean with my eyes...its more like i just know...like the feeling you get when you are up really high like on a roof...the tingly feeling that makes you want to hold your breath...i get that in my middle...like my tummy and chest...it generates out...it only lasts for seconds and i make my self snap out of it...it can be anything that i see...fire...smells...the aftermath only and not what happened...it can be like a hiccup in my life...i cannot stop it...and i never have known anyone else that this happens to. nobody would take me serious anyway...i sound crazy..i am not psychic cant harness the knowing..it just comes....even scarier is when one of my visions come true or i realize that i saw it in my head before it happened. that is why i am afraid when i get visions plus i can't stop it. numerous visions have happened...there not deji vu because i do not feel like i have done it before...i only had the knowing. sometimes even when i think it is only my imagination showing me stuff...and i dismiss it and forget the it..later on when it happens...i am frightened because i saw it...or if the time and scene is specific...when i am there i know what happened. i can sometimes see how people died...everytime i go into the hall here at home...i am showed a hanging girl with blue lips...even if i close my eyes..and my adrenalin runs quick. fuck fuck fuck i am fucking nuts...i cry get so mad at myself but i have been this way so long and i cant stop it....i just feel really bummed about it sometimes...and it bothers me like hiccups. i can be anywhere...with anyone..and things happen inside of me...i have to shake it off really quick or else i look like a tard. i wish someone could help me or tell me whats going on...i should see a shrink..though i dont think that would help they would likely to misdiagnose me and medicate me (hate pills) and i think it is deeper than mental because i feel it inside my mid and my whole body...it strikes my like a jolt. i dont like the words e.s.p. it sounds loony...but what else could it be?...if i am like psychic..then why cant i control it?
the voice in my head   
11:27pm 26/02/2004
mood: contemplative
music: puppy footsteps-my dog
the voice in my head speaks with an accent sometimes....
the voice in my head that tells me what to think...
the voice sounds english....spainish...valley girl...and sometimes much like a negro thug.
i don't know why...its like i am a verbal chamelian or something...
when i order chinese take out i speak with a heavy jet li accent...
when i go into one of the small arab store to get a pack of marbs...i always ask for "shorrrt"...with a roll of my toungue...
its inevitable!
around my friends sometimes...when plaing ps2...if i should loose a round of mortal kombat...i profess that i wish to " get my nine and bust a cap"
i wonder if being mixed...as i am, is accompinied by being mixed up?
hmmm...another of lifes imponderable!
my faves when i feel crypty and everything is "wicked"...
after listening to acid bath...everything is "sweet"....
usually i deem everything "gay" in my dronie daria tone.
even my thinking voices are variable!
i like...sound like a metal head/stoner/crypty/dippy teenager/brittish/arab/reject !
oh well n stuff....it's just something that has been brought to my attention.
02:57pm 26/02/2004
  help me to forget oh great lord blurty!
i must wash my brain in the ramblings that i encounter here!
nothing is better....i need nothing more than to hurt my head....so off i go to throw myself down the stairs!
01:45am 26/02/2004
mood: amused
sometimes...i wonder why i do this...it isn't natural...it isn't smart...but i keep pricking my nipple with this saftey pin
12:52am 26/02/2004
mood: :)
music: :)
finally i got this thing to look the way i wanted it:)
my squirrel bite   
09:21pm 25/02/2004
mood: cynical
music: venus blue-acid bath
As you can tell from the back ground...
I was bitten by a squirrel!

It was a chilly spring day in march...only a few weeks after that cute and harmless ground hog had made its appearance and served its purpose live on the news.
I was out in my own backyard when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the shed...it was a sound that I would soon be sure to remember forever.
I heard a type of chattering, most unusual yet alluring...
Onward I strode with confidence toward the shed and I stated with self assurance and pride loudly "get out of my darn shed ya' no good vandals" just then I swung the door open and I was immediately most hostly accosted by the most foreign and alien beast in all the land...the North American gray squirrel !!!!!!!!!!!!
The beast lunged for me with a look of hunger and anger!
I tried to scream and tried to run...but the beast was strong and agile...I was on it's turf and I was fair prey...
Soon I felt its wrath...it began tearing at my back pack and soon made it's was all over my body ravaging my flesh with every jittery stride.
Tears were beyond me.
I must have been in shock when I was found lying in the back yard...only a few feet from the safety of my home.
I was rushed away by ambulance and taken to the hospital...my first memory after the attack was of a doctor examining my rectum for signs of rape.
I slowly muttered the words "mad squirrel" and the nurse asked "wanna report this?" ...I said yes in a painful voice. She alerted the police who were to arrive shortly.
Mean while I under went 13 shots for rabies and 7 more because I insisted.
Finally the police arrived...I could tell that they understood the seriousness of the perpetration!
They took my statement and even had a police sketch artist draw a composite of my assailant.
I managed to have flyers made and the squirrels picture posted and aired on the local news...to help capture and prosecute it...to prevent such tragedy from happening to anyone else!
nearly 1 year today after the attack, i suffer post traumatic stress and i have been in and out of many "nut houses"
I fear I may be attacked at any time.
I have received death threats taped to acorns that have been thrown through my window at night...the family car has been pooped on and I suspect that they are none other than north American gray squirrel droppings!
I know the scent.
You may be next!
04:08pm 25/02/2004
mood: yummy
music: scream of the butterfly-acid bath
ever want to crap on the floor?
well yesterday i did!
i now know glory!
grrrr !
i am a primal human hobo humper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i felt compelled to ...after rushing into the wash room only fi find that my uncle had pooed and left a floater!
so like i cupped a hand over my bung to prevent any premature escape of defication...and i layered paper towell on the tile...then i disrobed...i felt the primal rush of my humanity!
i circle the spot like a dog...finally choosing a good angle and i gave a heave!
it was what should have definetly been a clinker!
it had to be 3 inches in diameter ...and was so long that a single push could not deliver it!
i struggled and stomped my foot....finally i delivered my bundle of week old digested food( mostly rice) it was heavy, stinky , and beautious!
i named it dumplick after glenn humplick from the tom green show
i left it on display as a grand sight to behold for anyone in my house!
im so alive!
to anyone who may read this...i urge you to try it!
bleed me an ocean   
04:06pm 25/02/2004
mood: i have to pee
music: acid bath-jezebel
sometimes i can't figure out my self.
and to think that i expect other people not to question me...as if
they are more clueless than me...i just hope upon hope that one day i can be able to say yep..."""i know what will kill me""!!! heehee...dood laal aa keeps friggin bothering meow!
meow is so gona hurt her!
she weighs 4 lbs and meow weighs 14 lbs
...its like woa! she keeps prancing about like a retard!
i found this wicked acid bath website...
it has a ton of pix
its way too bad that the bassist died...:( sux
well atleast there is agents of oblivion and goatwh*re...that's purrty sweet .
its like all the good bands go gay or break up for uncontrollable reasons ...acid bath was wicked!
03:57pm 25/02/2004
mood: bloody
music: new death sensation-acid bath
You are of the Twillight Order. This group of
Necromancers use their powers to protect the
living from the spirits of the dead... and
protectect the dead from being exploited by
living wizards. They often work as mediums or
private investigators.

What WitchCraft Association are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
my poor cervix:(   
02:57am 25/02/2004
mood: crushed
shamefully i have had another episode again:(
02:49am 25/02/2004
mood: :)
music: :)
my journal's better than urs!   
02:14am 25/02/2004
mood: drained
i have just finished browsing the random journals and the harsh realization has just stricken me that most of the journals out here are very gay looking...default and note pad!
seriously are they all done by like 5 yr olds?
can you say java?...huh? html? huh?
lmfao say journal over ride codes 5 times fast and you will magically know how to make stuff rock!
or ask and you shall receive guidance:)
i love bathing   
01:48am 25/02/2004
mood: cynical
i like to bath.
it is fun being naked .
i like to remove my clothes and wash my skin with soap and water
because i am stinky. i smell like pitts.
i am going to shower right now!
yep so that means i will be naked and my bathroom window will be unlocked!
please rape me?
     Read 1 - Post
my monkey   
10:47pm 24/02/2004
mood: neanderthalish
i had a little monkey
i sent it to the country
i fed it on ginger bread
along came a choo choo
and knocked my monkey
koo koo and now my
monkeys dead. least
he looks that way. then
again dont we all? poor
little monkey awww!
what i make is what i am
i cant live forever.
beans and disease   
10:38pm 24/02/2004
  i seem to have lost my toe...it was ther just yesterday...i think it fell off in my sock...lemme check...nope my toes not in there...its my big toe on the right..."beefy toe" i went to pent beffy today and i realised that she was gone... i thought ok perhaps my toe went to the wash room or something..but i waited and i called to my toe but it never showed up:(
finally i saw my dog on the floor and she was chewing on my toe!!!
i chased her and she ran with my toe...i couldn't catch her...i found my toe down in the couch cushin and i stuck it back on with a bit of honey.
not my toes black and smelly like old moldy cheese with nail polish....i just want beefy back the way she was...i dont know why she ran away from me:(
i loved my toe!
it was there for me my entire 3rd grade year when nobody would talk to me:(
*** slits wrist****
if only i had nads   
09:57pm 24/02/2004
mood: cold
music: the stench of my finger by slip fist
i am a girl and i like being a girl...but if only i had nads...why if i had my own nads i would never leave them alone and i would teach them to do my bidding...my nads would be the cleanest and most beautiful nads!
i would adorne my nads with bows and flower juice...i would play with my nad all the time and take my nads every where with me.
i would name my nads slim and jim.
my nads would never be cold, but they'd get wet...my nads would never fall off or turn green
greens a pretty color.
but not for a girls nads!
i wish i had gonads to call my very own.
i would prance down the street just jingling my keys every step of the way.
my nads would travel the world...my nads would be famous!
they could be in a punk band called girly squirrely and the nutz!
we would rock cockadoodle doo!
i want a pet weasol...to befriend my nads...i'd never wack my weasol...i might choke my weasol and wack my nads ...when i ride my bicycle.
nads don't like that sorta thing though. especially girly nadz.
if you are a guy who is reading this and you would like to get rid of your nads for some reason...like if they are sticking to you r thigh or slapping you knees...then lemme know and i'll take those off from your hands.
xoxo...yours truly...mother teresa
10:07pm 06/02/2004
mood: aggravated
woa...like my exbf is so gay!
he like had hid drunken friend call here and like try to take me out and try to find out if i was seeing anyone!
that is queerism at level 100+
i hate being so ...mmm ken!   
11:51pm 03/02/2004
mood: horny
music: imaginary moaning-gets mewet
I am so horny!!!!!!! i swear i hate getting this horny because i can't just sleep with anyone...I like need to start dating again...I just get so bothered and stuff...I can't even sit still!
I haven't had sex in like 3 months... and two months before that!
:(...also...I so don't want to sleep with my ex again...it was worse than I remembered!
plus he gets to attached and starts calling me all the time when we have sex like once casually....i broke up with him when i was 17...but we kinda still sleep together in between my relationships...when i have a boyfriend i don't talk to my ex much and i definitely don't sleep with him...but times like this, we get a lil to comfortable and stuff...i have known him sense i was like 12 so we are really good friends... !! Oh my goth, I just covered my mouth and farted! im kinda baked...I thought I was coughing!...i didn't even have to! I only had to fart!
dude...my vaginal sensitivity is at a 98%...[percents always based on 100]
i think i am going to have to draw myself a warm bath and get out my barbie bath toys!...mmmmm ken!