| 10:47pm 03/12/2003 | |||
| I don't know what I've been feeling lately. I feel so numb to everything. Thanksgiving was last week. I was so happy to see my friends back home again. Katie, Cliff, Keely and I went to the football game wednesday night to see the band and whatnot. Going to the high school thanksgiving football game is a big reunion tradition kinda thing. It was fun being the college student returning. I miss my friends that are still in high school. I truely feel like Tom kopin is hte only one that really misses me. All of them have their own friends why would they want to be around me. I was still really really happy to see everyone anyway. They all seemed glad to see me at the time. I hung out with Katie and Cliff most of the time. Emily went MIA. So I was standing and just laughing and having a great time with Cliff and Katie and I was wondering if Jon was going to show up at the game cuz I had a feeling he would. So I look to my left and see him walking towards me. So I of course avoided watching him come over like I always do. Its a weird feeling. He came over and just hung out with everyone and it was really awesome cuz he was just so chill nad funny and fun to be around the whole time. Whenever we hang out one of us are always being shy and quiet. He's like it around my work friends and sometimes me alone. When I'm around his friends I'm so closed up and shy and sometimes I get like that around him alone as well. It's alwyas better when were around eachother and comfortable nad just plain happy and having a great time. So I like ran off for a minute nad when i turned around he was gone as well. Stupid move on my part I guess. He went to go hang out with his friends which I was completely fine with, I was doing the same. So I didn't really see him for the rest of the game. I was jumping around being happy and silly. So out of nowhere the game ends. So I'm walkin out with Kaite and Cliff and Jon comes over and I told him he sholuld come to Friday's with everyone. So I lost him again and just left anyway. I didn't really care. hah So we get to Fridays and call Jon up to see if he really wanted to come but he was goin to the diner with his friends. I was kinda glad he went to chill with his friends anyway. The whole night was filled with talking about school. All break I found that all my friends that come home from school, mailnly talk about college and what they do out there and what a great time they have out there. I wish it was like summer where all we did was just have a great time not talking about school. | |||
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| 03:07am 30/11/2003 | |||
| yeah so basically. everything sucks. | |||
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| 01:58am 28/11/2003 | |||
| I haven't been able to get to sleep quickly lately. I can't stop thinking about everything. | |||
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| copy and paste. this happen before the huge one before | |||
| 12:45am 25/11/2003 | |||
| SO. Brett and I went to dunkin donuts cuz it was the only place open at 2 in the morning so we sat and talked about stuff happenin and it was cool. Friendly talk ya know? So It was like 230 and i was scared cuz we both snuck out of our houses and i wasnt sure if i should go home so he like well i dont wanna get you in trouble so lets go. he told me to just drop him off at white oak park. So we get there and he get out of the car and go ont he swing and i sat in the my car thing should i go out there or leave..... i sat for like a minute. anddddddd i chose to go outside to him. So we just sat on the swings talkin again about random stuff. nothin serious. So we walked around the park and ended up sitting on one of the picnic tables.It was really cold outside. we eventually just keep sitting closer and closer next to eachother. At this point I really just wanted to hug him and just be close to him again. So the tables were damp and we relized that there was a pavilion with dryyyyyy tables under it. so we went over to them and sat there and talked and didnt talk for a while. there was lots of staring and thinking and breathing. so somehoe we were really close and he was doing htat caressing my arm thing and holding me and everything. so we were sitting and facing eachother. eventually he put his head on my left shoulder and moved it and then kissed me forhead and then i put my head on his shoulder and he just held me for a while. and then it slowly tunded into kissing. lots of emotional kisses. we were both shaking not just cuz it was cold but cuz of what we were doing. I kept pulling away and just looked at him and he just pulled me and kissed me. I actually started crying while we were kissing but just kepts on kissing him. I wanted to keep on kissing hima nd he wanted to keep on kissing me but i couldn't do it. i then just pulled him and we just held eachother really tight. It wasn't just making out with my exboyfriend. There was so much power and pure fucking emotion in those 10-15 minutes. It still drive me nuts right now thining about it. So We were both just shaking and really cold so we left and went into my car. We got to my car and decided to just go home. So i dropped him off at the corner and he took my hand and rubbed it and was half way out my door and thought fuck i need to do soemthing cuz this is wrong so i pulled him into my car and told him we need to talk about this. So he came back in and agreed. So we sat there for 45 minutes talking about everyhting that weve needed tot alk about the past 2 months. we agreed that we just got carried away and he tol dme that he really just didn't want anything to happen right now. and i agreed. so then a car came up behind me. so i moved to another street and parked there and we talked agin for 45 minutes aboout stuff and then he asked about Jon. It was weird. but he like you like jon you always have i know you have. he understood that when we were toghet that i didnt like him thne but he knew that something was always there. and he just told me to go for it and be we him i shouldnt be scared. it was weird hearing him encourage me to be with jon.But yeah Brett and i talked so muhc shit out and it felt good to get shit out. So everything should be fine now. He asked me if iw as going to be ok and i didn't know. I knew i was going to be sad. andd i was. so this weekend has been crazy. so yeah thats the really bad and good thang that happen | |||
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| copy and paste of an email i wrote | |||
| 12:43am 25/11/2003 | |||
| So you know how i told you that Brett and I made out that one time and we decided that we wouldn't do anything after wards cuz we got carried away and what not. Well. Saturday afternoon I had to tell him something so I left a message on his phone and I didn't even tall himt o call me back. But he called me anyway and thanked me for the message around 10:30ish that night. So He asked me what I was doing and I told him I was at home just watching a movie by myself. So hes like ok well I'm coming over in 5 minutes I want to show you something. I figured ok. We're friends This is fine. I can totally handle this. I was totaly like fine ya know. I didn't htink anything of it. So he got there and he wanted me to see his car cuz he went off roading with his dads car and got it comepletely coverd in mud. Like the car wasn't green anymore it was all like a half inch cover in mud. So we stood around just talking about stuff hten decided to go to Dunkin' Donuts cuz it was only like 11 and we were both bored nad not doing anything. So we get there and just chill and talk for about 45 minutes about random stuff. It was completely fine. So it slike midnight and hes like ok lets get outta here. So i said sure why not. So at this point i was kinda feeling him again and I didn't really know what tp think because I KNEW Brett wasn't feeling the same way cuz he specifically told me last week that he didn't want to get into anything anymore. So We went back to his house cuz he wanted to check up on his brother cuz he was home alone and his parents werent home for the weekend. So WIll comes upstairs and Sees me and hes like "What wer YOU guys doingggg. ;)" Brett and I were like nothing we were at d'nd. So WIll looks at me and he was like "whats going on????" and i'm like uhh i dunno. shrug. haha. So Brett and I leave the house again with no plans on what to do so we sit his his dads car talking again and decide hey. Lets go out to white oak park and look at stars. Of COUSE. this was a bad decision from the start. I kept telling him hey if you don't want to go do this we don't have to. But we were both under the intentsion on nothing happening so We got bunch of blankets from his house and went to a random baseball field and layed in the feezing cold and looked up at stars. I saw 5 shooting starts. It was so beautiful outside that night. It was crazy. So Somehow Brett and I ended up snuggling. And then he just got closer and closer and then he kissed me. HE STARTED THE KISSIN'. He leaned over looked and bam... So I kissed back. Like eve since he like held my hand and started cuddling with me i wanted to go back to kissing him. But i knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. AND he never stopped. We were pretty much kssing for an house and then decided it was too cold to be outside so we went back to his house were is wa mad warm and we ended up kissing a whole lot again. so I was under the impresion that hey, he hasnt stopped yet and this is hte second time something must be happening and he prolly wants this too. I kinda wanted to get back togehter with him. At the time i really just wanted him back and I wanted to be with him. So Then of course it got intense again and I still kept thinking dude he dosent want this and I didn't know what to do and I didn't know what was going on and I started to really go crazy inside and I really started to cry and so he felt really bad so he finally stopped kissing me .We were in his bedroom and so he got up and tol dme hed let me have a minute to just chill so he went into the other room. SO i took a minute to breathe and think about what the fuck just happen for the past 4 hours. So I went into the other room where he was laying on the couch thining too. So I sat down and he sat up and put his arm around me and one of the first things he said was "We're you expecting a relationship out of this?" at the time he said it, I didn't realize what a shitty thing he had just said. I didn't know what I was thinking. So I told him... I don't know..I had no idea what I had just done, if I really wanted that. So There was a lot of silence. We were both just in a mode where we didn't really know what we just did. So then he asks me. "what are you thinking? wanna know what i'm thinking? I wanna know what's the deal with you and jon. Where do you guys sit?" I knew that was gonna be brought up at somepoint too. So i thought for a minute and say well. he likes me i like him. we both hang out a lot. and thats about all at this point" So that just set him off. and basically the whole times he was solid again about starting anthing with me cuz of jon and because he just didnt want to be with me. I was sad because when i was with brett, I wanted to be with him. I mean i went the whole night kissing him adn i didnt fuckin stop i wanted to be with him obviously. and he fuckin knew it. So basically the talking didnt get anywhere. I told him how i didn't know what to do and i was so confused cuz everything was so fucked up and i didn't know where jona dn i stood now and where me and him[brett] stood. then he wa slike well I think we can just say now that were over. and i was like ok. and i didnt really say anything after that. So like 5 minutes went by and hes like i just want you to be happy and i dont feel like us is a good thing to happen right now. then he asked me afain what i was thinking and i said i wanted to go home. So i got up and he followed and then drove me home. Its like 4:30 at this point and I get to my drive way and someone is awake in my house and turns out it was my dad. I saw him in the window and so i like was freakin out. so Brett parked the car and looked at me and i wa slike shit. bye. and i got out and left and didnt look back and that was the end. I went in the house and went up to my room. i didnt really get in trouble cuz my dad didnt even know i was out so he wasnt waiting he just thought it was wayyy to late for me to be out. I just went upstairs. I was so fucking lost at that point. I didn't know what to do. So i didnt really wanna think too much about it so i went to bed and woke up on sunday and i felt like shit. Brett hurt me like hell and it didn't hit me until the next day. So Tom kopin and i were supposed to hang out that day anyway to he calls me up and as always he asked me how i was and he knew something was wrong and he totally cared and was really concerned. I didn't know who to talk to about what happen with brett and i. I didnt want to tell anyone at first because i wasnt ready to hear peoples reactions cuz i knw theyre were all gonna be negative towards brett and/or towards me. Tom didn't know about the ffirst time brett and i did stuff. So i just told him about all that. He listend to everyhting i had to say and it made me feel so much better to just talk. He was the only one i talked to about it for a few days. I was so hurt and depressed over it. I had never been rejected in that way and never treated that way. so much shit went down that weekend. I felt like dying at one point because brett just had NO FUCKING UNDERSTANDING to why i was upset. He didnt understand why i was sad or why i was hurt. He told me i was hurting myself for being sad and he told me to just move on basically. It kills me that he can be so fucking happy and I'm at the fucking bottom. He makes me so mad. So after a few days of being depressed about it, I got really pissed off about it. And after that I started thinking about Jon again. I hadn't talked to him all week because he just didnt have his computer. but then i started to miss jon. My friend tol dme to just remember how happy i was when i was out with them and with jon. It felt great realizing how happy i was with my friends. seriously i am so happy with you guys and my friends from workk. I can ask for better people around me. and I can't believe I was this close to throwing everything away with Jon. I made the mistake of being with brett during the weekend but i almost made the bigger mistake of throwing everything away with Jon . Tom told me i shouoldn't be scared to just not be with aanyone. and i believe that. I not scared to be with no one right now. sometimes i would rather just be alone for now. but somtimes i just want to be with jon. but jons just being real slow an di have to deal with it i guess.itl be worth it if it ever happends and i really hope it does happen. so yeah my life is really confusing as you can see | |||
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| 09:11pm 23/11/2003 | |||
| So let me enlighten my non-existent readers with what happen last week. Friday night [nov14.] I worked from 4-close. I was in kids all night and so i told Jon that afternoon that I was working. So I was doing my work and Stefanie came in the Kids dept. to say Hey and on her way out she saw that Jon was in the store and told me. I was really excited of couse but i tried to just stay calm and what not. I of course started to get really jittery and started to shake. I patiently waited for him to just walk in because I knew he would at some point. So He comes in and I'm in the back of the section and i saw him and just turned around and let him walk to me. Whenever he comes into the store and I'm on the floor I always find him before he finds me. So when I do spot him out it'll be out of nowhere. I'll be walking one direction and I see him and I'll instantly turn another direction AWAY from him. I don't exactly know why I do that. I think I do that so I have time ot realize that he's in the store. Who knows. So he came in and stayed for a bit to chill with me. Eventually he headed out and I went back to work. So | |||
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| What do I do now. | |||
| 11:37pm 11/11/2003 | |||
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I hate my life so much right now. Well. no. I hate where everything is. I hate "being friends" with Brett. I hate not talk to Jon. I hate the fact that I'm stuck on both these guys. I know for a fact that Brett and I will never be together, ever. I don't know where Jon is. I dont know what to do. Brett insist's on being here and talking to me and being friends with me. IT KILLS ME. I can't take it. I know i can't handle not having him in my life at all for the rest of my life. I think he feels the same way. There's no other way to keep eachother in our lives but to just be friends. But i can't handle being friend with him. AHHHHH I just want things with me and Jon to go back to being really really close. :( |
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| 01:09am 07/11/2003 | |||
| Ok. Here is the raw truth. I love Brett. I care about him a lot and I miss him sometimes. There's Jon who I care about a lot. But I don't know where to go with him. I don't know what to do. I like him a lot. I've always wanted to be with him. But I don't know. He's always chaning his mind or acting weird. One minute he'll be all for me and want me. Then the next day he isn't the same way. Hes just diffent when hes with me. All the other times we're on aim. fucker. But man. Brett and I had nad have something. But i can't date him again. AHHHHHHHHHH. | |||
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| Here we fucking go. | |||
| 12:38am 03/11/2003 | |||
| What the fuck. | |||
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| Greatest feeling is when you can still feel it days after. | |||
| 08:07pm 02/11/2003 | |||
| So this weekend i went to visit Jon at FDU. I visited Jess too. So i get there and i hung out with Jess at first. We did a whole lot of nothing. We just sat in her dorm watchin tv and doing nothing. I called Jon and told him to call me when he was done at this party he said he was going to stop by. So 11pm rolls around and Jess is real tired and is about to go to bed. Jon hasn't called yet and I don't want to go to bed, I want to see Jon. I came all the way to see him I HAVE TO see him. So I gave up and just got ready for bed and just stayed awake. I had to turn my cell phone off because the battery was really ow. So Jess's room phone rings and it was Jon. So they talk for a second and she hands the phone to me and Jon says he's nothing doing anything in his dorm and he all alone. So i'm like sweet I wanna go over. So I get change and he walks over and picks me up and we go to his dorm....[and make out for the rest of night... haha yeah i wish. ] So we get there and just hang out. We got ready to watch Nightmare Before Christmas. So we sat on the couch. Everytime we have ever watched a movie together we always started out with space between us on the couch. Him, space, me. hehe So this movie started the same way again. When I sat there i thought "hey I should move closer, I'm scared to make it obvious that I want to be closer." haha So We're 20 minutes into the movie and I keep moving around cuz I normaly move around during a movie and the couch wasn't that comfortable but I didn't care, I was sittin next to Jon! So He started strectching his arms and then he put them half way down and suddenly put his arm around me. :D heheh As he was stretching I thought of funny it would be if he did that. And he did. Right after he put his arm around me I instantly moved in closer. I tried not to giggle cuz I was giggling in my mind, I smiled a whole lot but tried not to make that obvious too. I had to play it cool. haha It was great sitting with him and feeling absolutely comfortable, happy, warm and straight out wonderful. So some time went by after that and he reached for my hand and held it. I can't even deccribe the rush I got when that happen. I still feel in now. It felt like it was the first time he ever held it, and it wasn't. It was just the first time he ever held it in a really long time and since we starting talking again these past few months. It felt so great haolding his hand again. Hand holding is so great. | |||
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| FUCK | ||||
| 01:59am 29/10/2003 | ||||
And then there's Jon. Everything is perfect with me and hiis right now. I need time tho. i'll write more about that later. |
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confused| 10:53pm 26/10/2003 | |||
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-[ basic ]- name: Lauren nicknames: stouff gender: female age: 19 birthday: june 2 height: 5'4? maybe taller. hair color: brown eye color: brown do you wear glasses or contacts: contacts. where were you born: somerville. nj. been living in there area all my life. i need out. current location: ..here. bad habits: procrastination, falling in love too quickly..[i think.], thinking too much..[from what i have been told...] piercings you have: zero. piercings you want: cartilage...ear[s]. tattoos you have: zero. tattoos you want: i wanna get one on my wrist. today's date: 102603. the time: 11:01pm. -[ school ]- are you still in school: yea favorite grade: i dunno. high school went in halves. i LOVED one half but hated the other. like senior year, HATED the first half, LOVED the second half. so far college sucks. least favorite grade: ...MIDDLE SCHOOL. favorite teacher: Mr. Evans--senior english. Mrs. Oram--frosh english/senior women's studies[do nothing class] least favorite teacher: mosly all the gym teachers. do they even count? real teacher---Mr. Weems--soph geometry. he can't teach for shit.. favorite subject: English. least favorite subject: math, economics. do/did you do any extracurricular activities: mband, set crew/stage crew.. favorite memory: senior year--February 1st- June21st [morning after graduation.] Everything about Winter Camp, Set/Stage Crew & The play [Hello, Dolly!], Disney World with band/choir kids, Brett Emmons, 19th Birthday, Graduation and Project Graduation. -[ favorites ]- number: 803 shoe: i love vans that make my feet look small and round-ish. vegetable: broccoli fruit: apples movie: ocean's eleven, moulin rouge, serendipity, empire records...it goes on. magazine: rolling stone, spin, i've been reading people a lot lately at work. actor: john cusack, ethan embry, ewan mcgreggor actress: kate beckinsale scent: really good smelling guys. ice cream flavor: vanilla peanut butter color: silver, black, red season: summer! holiday: Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's. thing in your room: My computer. fuck yeah. place to be: the beach in the summer. shape: star and heart time of day: night really early morning [2am sorrta time.] country: australia shampoo: There's this orange bottle. i wanna say it's Matrix but i'm not sure of the name. It's the best ever. It's expensive but it makes my hair soft and pretty. swear word: fuck. month: June-Aug. Dec. -[ whats the first thing that comes to mind when you hear ]- dog: My puppy Zoe. hot: summer nsync: eeek. orange: juicy fuck: what the fuck. black: \m/ rainbow: ..brite! cherry: bing shark: jaws. oh boy. lifehouse: i like them. bat: ...man. water: gulp. -[ this or that ]- winter or summer: summer spring or fall: fall mtv or vh1: vh1...I LOVE THE 80's fuckers. where else do you get that. ; football or basketball: ny giants all the fuckin' way. black or white: black. orange or red: red. inside or outside: OUTSIDE. weed or alcohol: alcohol. :) tattoos or piercings: tattoo -[ private life ]- do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: nope do you have a crush: ...can I call it a crush anymore. I mean, we're both in college now....haha yeah why not. :) do you love anyone right now: of course. have you ever been in love: I have. apparently he wasn't but I don't even know that. He never told me loved me or did not love me. the past is never fun in my love life. how many people broke your heart: only one. do you go by looks or personality: definitely both. ever kiss a friend: nope :) beer good or beer bad: beer bad. I never liked the taste. It always seemed to taste like cardboard. are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: nope do you like smirnoff ice: I don't remember if i tasted it. prefer beer or liquor: liquor. are you a virgin: yes..... -[ have you ever ]- gotten really REALLY wasted: yup. skateboarded: yeah. I suck at the whole balance thing so i never got into that. stolen anything: yep pegged someone in the head with a snowball: hahaa broke a beer bottle: nah kissed someone of the same sex: nope gone on a road trip: no but i will. :) been to a concert: sure been to another country: fuckin canada. does that even count? i like canada tho. hehe talked back to an adult: yup been pulled over: no but i've gotten a ticket. broke a law: yess. tried to kill yourself: not really. ive given it serious thought before tho. the end of that. |
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| Howwdy. | |||
| 12:56am 24/10/2003 | |||
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Ok. So I have a livejournal and everyone I know reads that journal. I keep that one cuz I've had it for like 3 years but I need a journal that people can read but don't know about. Putting entries under the private mode is no fun. I find the possibility of someone being able to read how I'm really feeling a bit exciting. I have a xanga but somehow that leaked out to people. So here I am. :) I think I like this better than Xanga anyway. mentioning all the other journal feels like mentioning "borders" when at barnes and noble. [I work at the barnes and noble.] ok I'll update later when I have dirt to dish out. |
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| pleasebreathe | ||
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