12:01pm 13/06/2003
  darkness subsides
love coincides
and dreams seem to fly away

you're gone
i'm alone
and dreams seem to fly away

love is here, i am lost
you are gone, tempes tossed
and dreams seem to float away

dreams are deep
in dreamless sleep
subconciousness flies away

i am aware
you're no longer there
and dreams seem to come my way

dreams of you
me and you
dreams seem to fly away

won't you see
you and me
can have dreams that will take us away
 
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writing?   
11:57am 13/06/2003
 
mood: confused
you

are

mine

i

am

yours

can't

we

be

together

once

more

?

can't

i

see

your

eyes

in

my

soul

and

hear

your

voice

in

me?

can't

i

once

more

live

in

you

and

fee

you

next

to

me

forever

and

ever

in

your

lust

in

your

body

in

your

soul

in

you.

me

and

you

forever.
 
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i'm high ha ha   
11:51am 13/06/2003
 
mood: muchin'
man i'm so stoned. he he he he he he

i was so freaking hungry. i just ate three hamburgers, a large french fry, a large coke, a turkey sandwich, some jello, some string cheese, some chips, some ketchup straight out of the bottle (ewwwwww.........) a triple order of hashbrowns scattered, covered, and topped, and a cookie.

talk about muchies
 
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these mother fuckers!   
11:15am 13/06/2003
 
mood: bitchy
these mother fuckers are thinking i'm playing
thinking i'm saying this shit just to be saying it!???

man, i am so freaking tired............................

i cannot think of anything to say

to say, what to say??

nothing. it works better that way.
 
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found it want it got it good   
12:40pm 23/05/2003
  i so want to go to sleep...and forever...but i don't want to be alone. and i don't want to be sober. don't you think it would be so freaking awesome if we all got stoned and stayed together and tripped together? that woudl be so freaking funny....

we would all be tripping...ha ha

we all got stoned again today, kind of an after exams mayhem celebration. i loved it! we were like driving down the street, and josh hung his whole freaking body out of the car, and was screaming! we were going like two miles an hour though. i wish he'd fallen out and broke his ass!!!! i'm just playing, (you know i love you!!?)

but then we were all just chilling by jeremy's house, and jeremy wasn't there...ha...but he came back and we all got into his stash of weed...he he he he he...it was funny, cuz like jeremy will just totallymellow out when he gets high, and me, i just trip.

i swear to god, we were all trying to open a can of freaking tuna fish. how many high people DOES it take to open a can? a lot. then we wanted some chicken nuggets, and we poured some hot oil in a pot and almost caught the freaking house on fire...not funny, okay funny.

and then melissa bout died, cuz she was outside with bradley, and we took a picture of them...he he he

anways i shall let you guys go...probably boring you anyways.

don't hate, love you.
 
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11:37am 23/05/2003
 
mood: amused
did you ever realize that love is blind? you never realize when you are falling in love, and honestyly i never realize i am even in it most of the time. i just go on and on until it pops into my head:

"LIKE HEY IDIOT!! YOU LOVE THAT GUY!"

and then i feel pretty dumb. but how do you know? i just don't ever really think about it anymore, cuz so much shit has gone down that i don't particularly care for love anymore. i think it sucks, actually. but, if i don't look for it, i might just miss out on something completely and totally lovely and fulfilling.

i guess i better start looking for it. but where do i start? is there such a thing as TRUE love? if there is, how do you find it? i don't get it...if there is ex many people in the world, how do you know you will find THE right one. do they come and tap you on the shoulder and say, "DUMBASS, WE ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER?!!" i hope not. if i am going to love a guy, i don't think he would be one who is going to call me a dumbass...i don't know. hope not anyways. i hope my values are just a tad higher than that when i am sayyyyy...35....?

i have actually been thinking an awful, awful lot about this whole love deal...what is it, where is it, where does it come from, does it have anything to do with sex, and is it real?

what is it?

i guess it is defined most for me by the saying: love is the adult version of santa clause. if you believe in it long enough, i suppose it might come 'attapping on your rooftop. but i really don't know. if i leave my oatmeal cookies out (and my heart?...) will someone com and get it? will they "drink to me with thine eyes, and i will pleadge with mine?"
if you leave a kiss but in a cup, i shall not ask for wine...

where is it?

where is it located? is love of the heart, or is it like everything else, completely and totally of the body and it's assets?

does it have anything to do with sex?

if it has anything to do with a guy, YES.

is it real?

i have no fucking idea.

at the moment, i have no fucking cares in the world about that particular matter. i have more important things to worry about. i am going somewhere with jeremy!

love you!
 
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singed   
08:20am 23/05/2003
  singed

i am a burnt offering
to the goddess of the unknown
i'm lost
i'm forsaken
i'm lonely
i'm alone

i'm a maker of hells
a killer of my soul
i've killed
my self
and lost
control

i'm slain and bloody
upon satan's knee
grasing
wanting
god to
save me

if only i had listened
and hadn't let it slip
i would
have never
lost my
brittle grip

but now i am singed
by satan's own fire
i'm lost
i'm tired
i'm lacking
desire
 
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~~~in*love~~~   
01:30pm 22/05/2003
 
mood: horny
music: cold play
i always fall for someone sometime someway or another...

that much is sure.

but do they always fall for me????

noo...but i think this time may be just a little bit different. i think this guy really really is interested in me. i know i am in him. god, he is so fine. lauren looked at him and just about died! what is it jeremy? the blonde hair, the blue eyes, or my spectacular body? which one? or the way i can turn you on with just a kiss?

he he he
 
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three sheets to the wind   
01:05pm 22/05/2003
 
mood: high
music: metallica--enter sandman
i swear to god, this weekend was such a trip! me, amanda, jamie, craig, josh, and lynne all got together and got so fucking stoned! it was so fucking funny! we got so high.... anyways, jamie and craig were all doing free style...(being a white girl, i personally don't think white guys can rap as well as black guys...but they did a hell of a good job!) and we all sat there and colored his table. now his table was all one color, when we got over our trip, we looked down and it was like black...

we all wrote our names on it...it was funny. anyways, me and jeremy had a party, too, last night after exams. we had it at his house, cuz he just got the pool. i don't know whether anyone had fun, we ran out of beer too fast, but i know me and jeremy tripped out!

he and i were sitting out on his little couch thingie out on the dock. we were laying there...

and see, i have liked him (??forever??) and i didn't know if he liked me. but all of a sudden i felt him whispereing something in my ear:

"you look so beautiful tonight..."

it was the best thing i have ever heard in my whole 18 years. i could have cried. next thing i knnow, he is kissing me, and i am kissing him.

see, i don't sleep with guys anymore that i don't know very well, and when i told him that, he understood completely. god, he is so sweet.

he knows why, too. my ex boyfriend came up to me drunk as hell and told me i was going to fuck him right them and righ now...and jeremy beat the shit out of him.

i love jeremy so much.
 
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pondering   
12:56pm 22/05/2003
 
mood: flirty
music: haley's song--eminem
it's quiet now.

the leaves are gone, the wind has been silenced by it's own precautious thrill. the autumn twilight glimmers with it's awesome luminescence, not so much blending into the horizon as taking it for it's own. the quiet is almost unbearable. i can feel it like a presence, an ominous being with power over all who take it in.

if i take it in, it will become me. the quiet will take over my heart, and instead of blood, silver, glowing quietness will throb it's way through my arteries on it's way to poison my heart.

it's quiet now.

quiet scares me more than loudness, and you are not hear to cover my ears and shade my heart. it is to a great extent of pain that i sit pondering...

pondering...
 
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hey people...   
08:46am 22/05/2003
  wtf's up? nothing is going on here, i just took all of my exams...everyone is so tripping out cuz on school today this poor little girl got shanked. it was so freaking funny! i know that is really mean, but she is a bitch! she is really slutty, and everyone hates her...

anyways, i am starting work again! i will probably start on friday or saturday, back at the same place. i went up there, and jeremy and tim and robert and joe and marie and tina all said they missed me...tear...it's so great to be loved!

i am supposed to be graduating this year, and i can't...it sucks so freaking bad, i want to get out of this school!

jon is a really big jerk, but i still love him! i am so falling for him...everyone says i can't see past his good looks, but i really think he is a nice person. yesterday, we all went out to eat, and he bought me a rose...it was so sweet. and since he knows i don't drink hard liquor, he bought me an apple pucker when we went to the bar. tear.
 
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no   
12:23pm 21/05/2003
 
mood: determined
music: offspring---he hates that B*TCH
i know you.

you will never know me, you will never hear my breath close to yours, intwining in a lock to never be broken. in the night, you will never wake up to me clinging to your side, breathless and wanting. you will never know my voice, sing-song in your ears, or hear my whisper up on the nape of your neck. you will never have my hair splayed across your pillow and hear my laugh richocet ever so softly and tauntingly in your yearning ears.

but i know you.

i know your voice from miles away...i would recognize it any where. you will never know exactly how much that voice used to make me tingle so and make my heart sing. i know your eyes, that look so evervescently in the moonlight. you just will never realize how those eyes have brough voice to my parched lips and breath to my aching lungs.

you do not know me.

but i know you.

i will always keep each look you gave me locked up deep inside, never to dispense.

i know you.

more than you will never know yourself, for you no one ever knows their own self like other see them.

i know you like the sun on my bare arms. i know you would love me...if only you could get over her.

don't you remember?

when you used to know me, we woud quietly drown in each other's essence. alone in the presence of the other, never once wanting or needing (or even thinking about) another. we were lost in each other and to every one else.

i know you...and i know you well enough to know you will come back. you will want the love we had, the love we shared, and the love no one else could ever give you. someday, you will want what you cannot have.

you cannot have me, my heart belongs to another. you do not know me.

you never will again.
 
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