Date:	2004-01-30 13:08
Subject:	exams are over!
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	my time~my home

hey, havn't talked in a while. i got a real journal for christmas and i've been writing in that. i try too hard. a friend said that to me. thanks friend. like people are mean to me b/c they know it can get to me. yes what they say hurts. the trick is to not care anymore. like my exboyfriend. i don't know why im writing about him but its a good example, i don't really hate him, i just gave up caring which is a hard thing to do b/c i care about everyone. he just...doesn't matter anymore. thats a very good thing. see he used me and that was not cool. what it cool is a have some friends that do care about me...that is a really really good thing. yeah. nothing really has happened to me lately. i hate my new latin teacher. he sucks. um i have nothing elese to say
peace

Date:	2003-12-19 06:45
Subject:	sail away~david gray
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic
Music:	sail away

ah, nothing much here. no i don't like my latin teacher, he's just my friend...dude he has a wife and a child. in my school things are different, we have a connection w/ the teachers. i'll write more later, peace out.

Date:	2003-12-18 06:53
Subject:	semper ubi sub ubi
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay
Music:	no doubt~im just i girl

hey, i get to teach latin to freshman now. it's cool. i miss MY latin teacher sooooo much, he would of helped me through all this shit that is was and will be happening to me. but he isn't here no use crying over it. my friend comes home today.

Date:	2003-12-17 05:57
Subject:	blah
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	killed by a compie: melon cauli

i am not stupid, i just don't think at the right times. i am not a bitch. i am smart. fuck you all who thinks otherwise. if you don't want to spend time to get to know me then simply fuck you asshole. maybe your not an asshole, maybe your a nice kid but since you are ignorant and want to be stubborn then go the hell on w/ what you were doing. i don't care. don't even get me started about not caring. i care, i care about anything and everything that comes into my world and then i care for the wrong things. i want to seek revenge for thoes thaT HURT ME but i won't, i fucked it up, i pay the price. damn me. whatever. i'm going to school. same old shit different day

Date:	2003-12-16 06:33
Subject:	eh
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	"hey ya"

im happy my journal is back up again, gor a while it wasn't. i've been pretty fucked for the whole weekend. i mean im still fucked up but not as much as this weekend. am i bi-polar? nah don't be dumb plaidtoast. i sent a christmas card to my latin teacher. i e-mailed him about what happend this weekend and all he said was "clam down and relax". i need to listen to douglas adams more often. indeed. oh i like this song on the radio right now, "i like the way you move". so i was playing DDR at the mall and one of my good friends ex-boyfriend and i start talking. it was fine but he started hitting on me, flirting w/ me and i really didn't like that, even though i havn't had action in nine months(if that counts as action which it doesn't) and my friend is way over him. i dunno he makes me uneasy. i tried to back off easy but he kept on going...getting closer in my "zen" space. not very cool. but i had a hell of a fun time x-mas shopping for friends and making a "super jew" cape for one of my friend. i played DDR for a while and made some new friends....random friends are cool. i saw a friend i've known for 5 years but havn't seen her in two(we e-mail eachother) who works at the mall, it was really nice....we chatted. i saw my ex-boyfriend, i know he's nice but to me he acts like a jerk shithead asshole. so he won. he got what he wanted this whole time. this right here will be the last time i talk about him ever. well i need to go to school but i will write more. writing helps.
peace out

Date:	2003-12-11 06:41
Subject:	oh crap....really bad feeling
Security:	Public
Mood:	guilty
Music:	NO SONG CAN DESCRIBE MY FEELING

ha, i got it. i get it now. i understand. i lied and i lost everything. it's all my fault. he has everyright to hate me. to yell at me, call me horroble things....to ignore me completely to that i never existed. he has all the right to do that. it's the feeling if you ever hit a dog w/ your car(i've never done that but same feeling)and the dog dies....you know you did it and it's all your fault but you try to cover it up w/ something ANYTHING the dog might have done. you did it. i fucked up. there is nothing i can do to change it. i have to have this feeling of rechid guilt and shame for the rest of my life, like how hester prynne wore the A. sure i can cover it up, hell maybe forget about it completly but it will never leave me, what i did stays w/ me and i lost my best friend, a person i cared just as deeply as care about myself, cared for like a brother. now he's gone.

i know i know i already wrote something today but i can't stop thinking. i miss my latin teacher. i miss my best friend. he was one of the many guys that have come in and out of my life. there has been seven guys that have made an impact on me in some way or another one i have lost contact since middle school, four are still around, one went to kuwait and the other wants no contact w/ me. i know i lied to him, and i really fucked up but all i want to do is talk, tell him how i really feel, he's like this jekel hyde only to me. i am too, i act like this bitch whom loves pain. i don't like pain. someone told me "you am alone but not lonley" and my latin teacher told me "you are lonley but never alone". i am the only me in exsistance but im not the only person in the universe. i feel lonley and alone at the same time and again at the same time i feel the opposite. i know im not crazy, i am just going thrugh normal teenage angst. this is normal. sometimes i wish my latin teach was still around, i sometimes feel he left too soon in my life but also left at the perfect time. this all makes much sence to me, im sorry if it doesn't to you. i wish a lot. and sometimes if a iwish hard enough, my dreams and wishes come true. i wish i hadn't made the mistakes i made, that i could be what my ex-boyfriend wanted me to be. do i still love him? i don'ty know, i have no doubt in my mind that i did at one point. i loved him as a bestfriend and someone i could spend a long time w/ as a friend, conntinually growing as friends. now, i know i didn't follow his advice all the time and did the opposite. i know he wanted me to change. i grew as a person....good things take time. and as im growing into this new body, i realize i had this peson inside of me all along. i said that people are doors and all you need is the key to unlock them. my door was gradified and worn. it was simple and i couldn't even unlock my own door, he and all my men in my life helped me find my key. they didn't give me one, i had the key all along. so my door is open, and the inside is new and big, i have much time to explore. i liked my door, but i have a hard time letting things go. now i think i can. this might seem corny or stupid to you all and i don't care, this is my testimony. an epiphany that has been built up for two years now. i can complain, whine, but i would be lying. as i finish i will say this, a great person said to me "a great person once said, be brave, if your not then fake it and no one will know the difference....be confident if your not then fake it and no one will know the difference" i am confident....with myself.

Date:	2003-12-08 13:21
Subject:	Scarf
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	say hello and wave goodbye

i wore a red scarf, to warm the cold winter. but wore it too long and made the summer stuffy, itchy. now my red scarf has fadded to white with dirt covers tattered and worn, sure i could patch the holes, wash it but the red can never return. i've bought new scarves, green blue grey but never the same as my red. i want to take it off, but i can't. i want to take it off but i can't. it won't leave me and i won't let it leave me. im afraid a blizzard will come and blow me away. now winter has returned once again, and today i take off my beautiful red scarf to lay on the snow in it's final resting spot.
i think scarves have a soul, to keep us warm and protect us. scarves are for winter...to keep it forever they die.

Date:	2003-11-15 22:39
Subject:	hey
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	somewhere over the rainbow

my latin teacher is the shit!!!! don't go to kuwait...but since you must...stay safe. you have been a real good friend to me, and just to let the world know that seven habits for highly effective people by steven covey is an amazing book. no really it is.

Date:	2003-10-22 06:43
Subject:	latin day yesterday
Security:	Public
Mood:	relaxed
Music:	yellow~coldplay

yesterday....i was really tired b/c we took standardized testing in the morning. it was soo stupid to take it but i tried anyways. then i had latin and my teacher put me on the spot with one of my friends saying that we take the initiative and want to learn. i do but when i say i actually like going to school, my peers think im some goody goody student who has nothing better to do. i try to ignore them but it almost is like that acting stupid is the norm, even if you're smart. i also had a dubble period study hall so i went to my latin room and did more translations...now im in this higher level. im not trying to brag or anything thats not what im trying to do, im very nieve about the world. wow that came out of nowhere. no really i am and im reading a lot more books to learn more. i lie learning. its fun. its a little odd to hear someone say that, i enjoy waking up and going to school. ahhh i have history today, i feel bad for the teacher b/c hes new and doesn't know what the hell hes doing. tata

Date:	2003-10-20 07:23
Subject:	movin on
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	flowers on the widow~travis

yes, its true...i need to get on with my life. that is exactly what i am doing very slowly. i can't just get up one day and say "hey life is wonderful!" can i? i don't know. i have to take initiatve, and responsibility. use my r and i. i think that we, ourselves, choose who we are and what are actions are based on values and not feelings. i think i've figured out that we are not what we feel and if we are we become reactive, letting people weather or anything bother us...setting up how well we are to perform today. i don't do that. at least not anymore. i decide my actions. i am becoming proactive. i am taking the r and i to change who i was, to change my life into a better successful happier life. like the other day i told the guy the truth that i wasn't going to dance rehesal and couldn't go on the date but i was too nervous. it was hard and when we talked i found out he was just a friend. nothing elese. thats ok. but i used the r and i. its a nice feeling.....taking controll of your life, or at least in the process. untill later......

Date:	2003-10-18 16:08
Subject:	im better
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	homecoming king~guster

ok...feelin ok. not bad. i am happy with life but i am fusterated with it too. yeah. i took psats today. not fun to sit in a room for four hours. not cool. um life or something like it. blah blah blah. im tired but yet i still write. why? why are we here? what are we supposed to do? why do we follow the medias vision of life like we were all on dawsons creek or gilmore girls? thtas not real life. i havn't a clue what the heak im talking about.

oh my god....how stupid can i possibly be? how stupid am i to not have known this sonner? maybe this is why i lose friends and more than friends.....i am to say very bluntly....my biggest flaw: i am clingy. i depend too much on other people to create my own reality. its sooo very upsetting. i am very stupid. ahhhh, my latin teacher pointed this out to me, now i realize it. this mayjorly sucks royal ass w/ cheese and pickles. why did i not see this sooner? maybe i could have been a better girlfriend and friend. now what do i do? well read seven habits for highly effective people more then go from there. plus i am stupid for white lying to a boy to get out of a date. i don't think im ready to go out yet....not now. first i must find independence in myself and raise some confidence first, and apologize for lying b/c that was....whats the word kids? STUPID. ahhh merde(accant a gout). i say i have confidence mearly to please the people around me but really i have some but not a lot. fuck

sooo, we lost. red sox lost. but hope is not yet all gone. um yeah, my profound desire to gain self confidance and to raise my self-esteem make me a bitch. i truly am an idiot. why? i don't understand. i don't get the ways of the world and that makes me frusterated because i want to know everything. i think too hard. there was a festival this weekend and it was effing pouring rain. but i went anyways. i like the rain. its nice. soooooo nothing really new with me. i was supposed to have this date but got freaked out and had to cancel. i have no idea what that was all about. i was all happy too. it was bowling but maybe the word date scared me. i like the word hanging out. hey if you think hard enough..."hanging out" seems like a weird phrase. people who read this probibly think im some messed up girl or something or im on drugs. nope...hard core strait edge. actually i've had beer w/ my folks and at weddings so not really S.E. all the way. wow this is the most i've written. hmmmmmm this book, seven habits for highly effective people is odd. what the heak is a paradigm? what is my life center? why do i friggan ask so many questions? these thought all fragmented all stuff come out of my head therefore i type the letters to make words and phrases and place them here on the information superhighway all too see. this is why i stay annoynomous and only known to all of "you" as plaidtoast. i have this fetish about plaid thats really stupid but i've been obsessed with it for years now. why do we have feelings? what is sad? hate? love? is it whatever we want it to be? why must we catagorize what we feel into human tounge? why can't we be like mamals and do it like were on the discovery channel?(i know thats not how the song goes). why do we fall under the grasp of the media and make them the dictator of our thoughts and dreams...our hope and lives? its insaine? and why do we think were the good guys when the people we percive as "evil" think we are the evil ones and themselves as the good? good and evil intertwine....there is no good side or bad side...its all what we choose to be. ahhhh talkin crazy shit......going to bed.

hey all. im wondering....why is it that everyone looks to the future and doesn't focus on the here and now? i don't know i look at the future all the time. then i realize im not having any fun in the present. not taking any pleasure in life. ahhh i don't know i must be crazy or something.

wow. all these kids are going through the same problems i went through last year and now they want my advice. i can't give advice, only my opinion. don't they realize i'm in new situations and don't really want to deal with their problems? but i'm a nice girl so i give them my opinion hoping that they will like it. its crazy. im really tired.
i had a great convo. with a friend i havn't really talked to in a while. he's in college. but my mom's gonna kill me when she sees the phone bill(duh duh dum).
side note, my subject makes no sence. i can't think right now b/c it's 6:40 am.

wow. somepeople are stupid. but not all peopel. im stupid for letting random phycos read what i say in a journal. why am i doing this? i havn't a clue. i have a lot of guy friends. i can only talk to them. girls don't understand. i think too much but i don't think at the right time. damn me. whatever. im like not having a good day. my history teacher is really an ass. but yeah. too stressed right now to think well. i'll write later.
peace