justsomethoughts' Day

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

1:15AM - Whoa...how life changes.

The last entry for this journal was something like two years ago. I honestly can't believe that I remembered my password. I remembered this site because I had mentioned Blurty to someone a while ago and how I was certain that I had only written twittering poetry about my ex-boyfriend. Now the joke with my current beau is "Do you love me? Then why don't you blog it?". To me, he's much funnier than the last bloke.
Actually, he's much funnier than most living people; as for ghosts their senses of humor are lost on me.

Let's see...I'm sure absolutely no one is following this journal...but pretending, for my ego's sake that someone is- I'll update. The last boy has been gone from my life for quite some time. He was actually gone before he was GONE if you smell what I'm cooking. He was cooking too, METH! Not actually cooking it, but using it. Which in my opinion is like a death sentance. It is a tragedy how many living funerals I've had to have for loved ones that have been trapped in the hell of that drug. I personally don't tolerate it...and thus curtains for METH boys and girls.

I haven't reviewed all of the blabbering, circular thoughts that I previously entered into this journal- but one jumped right out at me. I gave credit where credit wasn't due when I spoke of my newly birthed healthy self. I gave props to my then boyfriend for all of my positive changes as if I had had nothing to do with them.
I know that I was in love but what a terrible thing to do to my own self.
I was changing and still am because at the (not so youthful) age of then 25 now 27 I'm finally starting to grow up. Some would say "What took you so long?". My answer is that no one is ever done growing up. That at least is the notion I use to excuse my personal mental infancy and at this time I can say I believe it. Plus I only state that I STARTED growing up and not that I am a GROWN UP ( for that would be a very tragic thing to be indeed!)

Let'sssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. What else. I'm now deeply loving another non-grown-up (SEE I BLOGGED IT!!!!!)
Lou Lou the blurty artist and my fair kitty daughter died tragically young of an unknown disease. (damn vets!)
And I still miss her. I do have three lovely animal children currently- one, who by laying nearby on the floor, indicates that he may be my new Blurty Buddy. Though Miss Lou had a style of her own, I'm certain that he also will contribute in a world changing journally way.

My theater company is now being re-worked. We did a sketch show in October and have a locally written children's musical going up in June and July with more sketch to be seen in the later summer.
Lot's of work and fun. Still no dinero. ( well some...but my piggy bank rattle indicate a lack of paper money).

I think that's probably it for now. I'm gonna snoop in other peoples writing and steal all of their good ideas. Not actually but I will probably go back and read all of my old bad ones.
If you live in Missouri or Kansas and need entertainment....
www.girlthangproductions.zoomshare.com

Current mood: dorky
Current music: video game music from the living room
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1:37AM - Nerds

about a million and a half years ago...(the drama queen exaggerates )
I had on my friends list yodelayheehoo sp?
I just went to her journal thinking that she too would have deserted the blurty but she is in full swing.
Speaking, most interestingly on the subject of nerdy boys.
I found this humorous. The most recent sketch we have written is about that very subject.

It is based around the GWLN (girls who love nerds) show and tell meeting. They all speak and bring articles/ memorabilia sp? from their favorite nerd files/encounters. The sketch reaches it's climax when one girl reveals that she has brought Bill Gates in a box. Anywho...sychronize your watches people April is the month when nerds are most dreamy.

I however am not so dreamy as I only scored 49.5% on the NERD test.
I knew I shouldn't have chosen french as my foreign language. Such a snotty people.

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2:57AM - three times tonight...a cyclic obsession!

Three times tonight! If it was orgasms it'd be more understandable...but I guess writing is like masturbating (you're alone and stroking your mind/psyche/ego ending with your meadering and strange writing marked down for posterity).

I'm going to talk a little bit about the things that are mental/emotional hangups for me this year and see if I can put it online and out of me.

I'm PISSED! I'm angry as hell at three different people and my mind keeps wandering back to them interrupting my day to day pleasantries.

Two are losses to the aforementioned disability causing drug METH. My Ex- boyfriend...and my ex-closest friend.

Let's do the "lover man" first. I am angry that drugs were more important to him than our relationship!!!! Now I rationally know that drug dependance is an illness and a powerful one at that but there are emotions that are attached to those who are tossed aside during drug steeped euphoria. There were already exsisting issues in the relationship but when aluminum foil and rat poison are more important than a day to day partner that is the last of the straws. I had also already expressed deep disinterest in any involvement wih that substance and I feel BETRAYED that I was so obviously lied to and over a period of time that I cannot exactly pinpoint.
The relationship is over and I have physically and emotionally moved on on all but this one point. It terminated about a month after I awoke at five thirty in the am and found him smoking it over a mr. coffee in the bathroom of MY HOME. The problem is- I now know that I should have terminated the relationship then and there. I was soft and thought that everyone deserves a chance but truth be told that was like his 4th chance. I am angry because I had to take the fall for the termination of the arrangement. He seemed to have forgotten any of his wrong-doing and I became the "girl that left for small reasons". I was willing at the time to be the bad guy because I just wanted out and I wanted out fast. BUT, I have found that I am terribly ANGRY that the fault in the situation landed solidly and only at my feet. We had friends that were indeed initially his friends but some of them became MINE and I've lost them through this occurance. I think I am realizing my anger now because I thought some of the friends just needed time for the dust to settle and that then our friendships would resume but after some months of chasing the ones I deeply cared for around I realize that they have chosen him drugs and all and that they don't spare me even a small thought. I feel sad. I fell small because I naturally and mistakenly assumed that since they mattered to me I mattered to them and I've found myself to be incorrect. Now, mentally I know that if they don't want to be my friend I'm better off with out them but that doesn't change the fact that I miss them and I feel like a dumbass for doing so. This all may sound whiny and childish and maybe it is but this is a place where I can but this stuff and not make my remaining friends want to poke their ear-drums in to avoid hearing me. In conclusion I am still upset and have given this issue time to settle inside of me and it has not. I know that it is all in the past, water under the bridge, whatever. I know that it is useless to call up the ex and tell him off to make myself feel better. He's not a part of my life and I don't wish to do anything positive or negative to bring him back in. So here goes.
YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT YOU LEFT FIRST. YOUR RAT POISON AND VIDEO GAMES AND STUPID POOL HALLS AND BEER BUDDIES WERE SO IMPORTANT THAT I FINALLY DECIDED TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU. I LEARNED NEW THINGS, MADE NEW FRIENDS, CAME TO TERMS WITH SOME THINGS ABOUT ME AND WHEN YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO PEEK BACK INTO THE RELATIONSHIP YOU DIDN'T RECOGNIZE OR LIKE ME BECAUSE I WASN'T 13 YEARS OLD LIKE YOU. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT SOONER THAT WAY YOU WOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT WHILE I DID WRONG YOU DID AS WELL. WHILE I HURT YOU DEEPLY, YOU HURT ME DEEPLY. WHILE I WAS BEING HIGH-HORSED YOU WERE BEING INFANTILE. YOU PRETEND TO HAVE EXPLORED THESE THEMES BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE HONESTLY OR YOU'D SEND ME A MILLION DOLLARS AND AN APOLOGY. THE PARTS OF YOU THAT I MOST APPRECIATED ARE DEAD. YOU KILLED THEM. SO HOPEFULLY, NOW THAT I'VE RANTED I CAN SAY GOODBYE TO THEM FOREVER. I WISH YOU WELL. "GOD BLESS AND KEEP THE CZAR FAR AWAY FROM US."


done...hopefully

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