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justsomethoughts' Journal

17th April, 2006. 2:44 am. Kittywalk penthouse

I love my animals but I live in such a small space. I want a kittywalk penthouse for my cats to be outdoors. I sound like a crazy old cat lady but that's my destiny anyhow so I might as well embrace it.

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12th April, 2006. 2:57 am. three times tonight...a cyclic obsession!

Three times tonight! If it was orgasms it'd be more understandable...but I guess writing is like masturbating (you're alone and stroking your mind/psyche/ego ending with your meadering and strange writing marked down for posterity).

I'm going to talk a little bit about the things that are mental/emotional hangups for me this year and see if I can put it online and out of me.

I'm PISSED! I'm angry as hell at three different people and my mind keeps wandering back to them interrupting my day to day pleasantries.

Two are losses to the aforementioned disability causing drug METH. My Ex- boyfriend...and my ex-closest friend.

Let's do the "lover man" first. I am angry that drugs were more important to him than our relationship!!!! Now I rationally know that drug dependance is an illness and a powerful one at that but there are emotions that are attached to those who are tossed aside during drug steeped euphoria. There were already exsisting issues in the relationship but when aluminum foil and rat poison are more important than a day to day partner that is the last of the straws. I had also already expressed deep disinterest in any involvement wih that substance and I feel BETRAYED that I was so obviously lied to and over a period of time that I cannot exactly pinpoint.
The relationship is over and I have physically and emotionally moved on on all but this one point. It terminated about a month after I awoke at five thirty in the am and found him smoking it over a mr. coffee in the bathroom of MY HOME. The problem is- I now know that I should have terminated the relationship then and there. I was soft and thought that everyone deserves a chance but truth be told that was like his 4th chance. I am angry because I had to take the fall for the termination of the arrangement. He seemed to have forgotten any of his wrong-doing and I became the "girl that left for small reasons". I was willing at the time to be the bad guy because I just wanted out and I wanted out fast. BUT, I have found that I am terribly ANGRY that the fault in the situation landed solidly and only at my feet. We had friends that were indeed initially his friends but some of them became MINE and I've lost them through this occurance. I think I am realizing my anger now because I thought some of the friends just needed time for the dust to settle and that then our friendships would resume but after some months of chasing the ones I deeply cared for around I realize that they have chosen him drugs and all and that they don't spare me even a small thought. I feel sad. I fell small because I naturally and mistakenly assumed that since they mattered to me I mattered to them and I've found myself to be incorrect. Now, mentally I know that if they don't want to be my friend I'm better off with out them but that doesn't change the fact that I miss them and I feel like a dumbass for doing so. This all may sound whiny and childish and maybe it is but this is a place where I can but this stuff and not make my remaining friends want to poke their ear-drums in to avoid hearing me. In conclusion I am still upset and have given this issue time to settle inside of me and it has not. I know that it is all in the past, water under the bridge, whatever. I know that it is useless to call up the ex and tell him off to make myself feel better. He's not a part of my life and I don't wish to do anything positive or negative to bring him back in. So here goes.
YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT YOU LEFT FIRST. YOUR RAT POISON AND VIDEO GAMES AND STUPID POOL HALLS AND BEER BUDDIES WERE SO IMPORTANT THAT I FINALLY DECIDED TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU. I LEARNED NEW THINGS, MADE NEW FRIENDS, CAME TO TERMS WITH SOME THINGS ABOUT ME AND WHEN YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO PEEK BACK INTO THE RELATIONSHIP YOU DIDN'T RECOGNIZE OR LIKE ME BECAUSE I WASN'T 13 YEARS OLD LIKE YOU. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT SOONER THAT WAY YOU WOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT WHILE I DID WRONG YOU DID AS WELL. WHILE I HURT YOU DEEPLY, YOU HURT ME DEEPLY. WHILE I WAS BEING HIGH-HORSED YOU WERE BEING INFANTILE. YOU PRETEND TO HAVE EXPLORED THESE THEMES BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE HONESTLY OR YOU'D SEND ME A MILLION DOLLARS AND AN APOLOGY. THE PARTS OF YOU THAT I MOST APPRECIATED ARE DEAD. YOU KILLED THEM. SO HOPEFULLY, NOW THAT I'VE RANTED I CAN SAY GOODBYE TO THEM FOREVER. I WISH YOU WELL. "GOD BLESS AND KEEP THE CZAR FAR AWAY FROM US."


done...hopefully

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12th April, 2006. 1:37 am. Nerds

about a million and a half years ago...(the drama queen exaggerates )
I had on my friends list yodelayheehoo sp?
I just went to her journal thinking that she too would have deserted the blurty but she is in full swing.
Speaking, most interestingly on the subject of nerdy boys.
I found this humorous. The most recent sketch we have written is about that very subject.

It is based around the GWLN (girls who love nerds) show and tell meeting. They all speak and bring articles/ memorabilia sp? from their favorite nerd files/encounters. The sketch reaches it's climax when one girl reveals that she has brought Bill Gates in a box. Anywho...sychronize your watches people April is the month when nerds are most dreamy.

I however am not so dreamy as I only scored 49.5% on the NERD test.
I knew I shouldn't have chosen french as my foreign language. Such a snotty people.

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12th April, 2006. 1:15 am. Whoa...how life changes.

The last entry for this journal was something like two years ago. I honestly can't believe that I remembered my password. I remembered this site because I had mentioned Blurty to someone a while ago and how I was certain that I had only written twittering poetry about my ex-boyfriend. Now the joke with my current beau is "Do you love me? Then why don't you blog it?". To me, he's much funnier than the last bloke.
Actually, he's much funnier than most living people; as for ghosts their senses of humor are lost on me.

Let's see...I'm sure absolutely no one is following this journal...but pretending, for my ego's sake that someone is- I'll update. The last boy has been gone from my life for quite some time. He was actually gone before he was GONE if you smell what I'm cooking. He was cooking too, METH! Not actually cooking it, but using it. Which in my opinion is like a death sentance. It is a tragedy how many living funerals I've had to have for loved ones that have been trapped in the hell of that drug. I personally don't tolerate it...and thus curtains for METH boys and girls.

I haven't reviewed all of the blabbering, circular thoughts that I previously entered into this journal- but one jumped right out at me. I gave credit where credit wasn't due when I spoke of my newly birthed healthy self. I gave props to my then boyfriend for all of my positive changes as if I had had nothing to do with them.
I know that I was in love but what a terrible thing to do to my own self.
I was changing and still am because at the (not so youthful) age of then 25 now 27 I'm finally starting to grow up. Some would say "What took you so long?". My answer is that no one is ever done growing up. That at least is the notion I use to excuse my personal mental infancy and at this time I can say I believe it. Plus I only state that I STARTED growing up and not that I am a GROWN UP ( for that would be a very tragic thing to be indeed!)

Let'sssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. What else. I'm now deeply loving another non-grown-up (SEE I BLOGGED IT!!!!!)
Lou Lou the blurty artist and my fair kitty daughter died tragically young of an unknown disease. (damn vets!)
And I still miss her. I do have three lovely animal children currently- one, who by laying nearby on the floor, indicates that he may be my new Blurty Buddy. Though Miss Lou had a style of her own, I'm certain that he also will contribute in a world changing journally way.

My theater company is now being re-worked. We did a sketch show in October and have a locally written children's musical going up in June and July with more sketch to be seen in the later summer.
Lot's of work and fun. Still no dinero. ( well some...but my piggy bank rattle indicate a lack of paper money).

I think that's probably it for now. I'm gonna snoop in other peoples writing and steal all of their good ideas. Not actually but I will probably go back and read all of my old bad ones.
If you live in Missouri or Kansas and need entertainment....
www.girlthangproductions.zoomshare.com

Current mood: dorky.
Current music: video game music from the living room.

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16th July, 2004. 5:15 am. It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday! I'm very glad to be alive. A whole bunch of friends...Hani, Jen, Patience, Abe, Michelle, and the beloved Jimmy came out with me tonight. Dominic bought me a drink. Everyone was terribly kind. I'm glad to be here. Hopefully I'll make this year useful for me and others.

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11th July, 2004. 5:18 am. I can be a pretty girl sometimes.

I just got done watching a movie Vickie lent me..."Holy Smoke". Hmmm...

I passed by a mirror and said some of my lines from Big River and in my stage makeup and acting the way I do...I actually look like a sweet pretty young girl. And that means a goal is acheived acting wise.

But the most surprising thing of note...is that completely inactive and not "playing pretend"....I still do have some sweet pretty girl left in ME. In the reality of me. Weird. But so touching that I'm crying. I think that I should love my sweet pretty girl more and maybe I'd see her more often. Let's all hug our sweet pretty girl in honor of this occasion, and tell her that there's no reason to be shy because she's strong enough to hang with the rest.

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10th July, 2004. 3:50 am. The best cast party ever!

My friend Vickie and I just had the best cast party ever! Just the two of us. We hung out, talked, she even broke out baby pics and old scripts of her young son. She rocks. She makes me think. We don't get overly deep really, we just talk about fairly common issues, but for some reason, when she talks, I am open minded enough to consider her perspective. I don't always conclude that I agree, but you bet I wind up thinking about it for awhile. She prides herself on being pretty open minded, so maybe her presense encourages that kind of thinking. Thank you Vickie...it was a fun night. I wish a little bit that Denise could have been there because she would have enjoyed it I think. Oh well, it's her own damn fault for not being able to see around John. He's a really great guy...but you'd think he was a mountain she was standing behind, not on.

The show tonight was so-so. That's the price one pays for anything goes brush ups. A sloppy next-day show. Aunt Joyce came tonight and looked a bit shaky and a little stressed; I hope she is okay. I bet she thinks that I never think of her. I do. I remember all of the wonderful things she's done for me...she was so involved in my early childhood that she formed a part of me. :) The purple in the stained glass window that is me was glued there by Joyce. Mmmm...chicken lo mein. Never had it before, strangely enough, but hell it's four in the morning and I wouldn't be me if I wasn't eating at a very inappropriate time.

I had a little sing on the way home and a bit of a cry. Cleansing cry not really sad cry. Just cleaning out the emotional closet and the tear ducts I guess. I feel like saying "girls are so weird". But, I don't know that all girls deal that way(hell, for years and years I NEVER cried )...and I'm becoming a happier person the less I feel the need to explain every little tear that falls on my cheek. There are so many feelings that require definition... it's nice every once in a while to just feel.

Hmm....what else? Oh, yeah, Jimmy was sleeping when I got home and he is so sweet. I'm going to be putting some focus on judging him based on him and not on MY past experiences. I've been unfair I think. And I love him enough that I have the desire to fix it, which is new. I've loved a few men in very different ways but never enough to alter the levels on my pride buttons (I've always kept them on high blast). He's my guy though, so maybe things really do change in the light of healthy, good love. He'd probably laugh if he read this entry because I think I still appear pretty stubborn and pridefull. BUT healthy change starts on the inside and works it's way out...so he'll reap the benefits eventually.

Might be back...might eat more lo mein...who knows?

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8th July, 2004. 12:30 am. Updates in 5...4...3...2..1

Hmm...updating the journal. This thing can become an obsession quickly. Ah well, it's better than some of the other choices on the menu.

Oh, just finished reading a great book "The Liars Club" by Mary Karr. It's a memior and her other book "Cherry" ain't too bad either. She's funny and very gritty. Definately worth checking out.

I've played hooky from Romeo and Juliet rehearsals the last few days. I think I just needed to be home. I've done nothing with this home time...but hell, that's what home is for. Sitting on the couch under my favorite throw watching bad TV re-runs. Hanging out with the cat...scraping the bottom of the barrell (see-the refridgerator) for weird things to throw together in attempts of a meal. It's been useless but very nice.

I freaked out on Jimmy yesterday because we're nearing familiar territory for me. He's done nothing wrong and our circumstances are very different from other sits. in my past but being a freak-oid ...I defined myself. I'm sorry for him. I'm not such a pretty lady when I become irrational. Sorry babou! I'll try and use my brain more.
I need a job. I mean I have a job but I need a "real" job. The arts, sadly, still doesn't pay well. WHEN ARE THEY GONNA CHANGE THAT? Who's they? hmm... whatevah. Hopefully, I'll find a little part time gig that'll help supplement. I pray now to the God and the powers of the world to send me a copeable situation for a whimp like me.

Ooh, on the fourth my bro came along and had a blast with us. I'm very happy about this. I've always loved him so and it gives me pleasure that he can enjoy my company and the company of the company I keep. (<---that was uncalled for! But say it three times fast and it's fun!). We all played volleyball...if we all means that the boys did and Michelle and I watched and mocked. But a good time was had by all.
My birthday is coming up quicker than I thought. Which means so is Mom's and something must be done about that. :)
Tommorrow I have a brush up for Big R and am glad. For something that's been such a pain in my ass I've sure missed that show the last three days. I'm a bit worried about it ending. But hopefully RandJ will keep my attention long enough for me to forget that I miss it...which should take about 45 seconds really. I'm nawt so smat suntines. Ooh, I wonder if kevy is online. Better go check!

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3rd July, 2004. 4:57 pm. Now, when I speak of dishonesty...I just mean...

That I've been asked to cover for some friends lately and have chosen to omit rather than fabricate. But, I have been shocked that people believe me! Oh well, whatever. It's life...I gotta do some bad shit or there would be no challenge.

Okay, I have a question about this sappy theory I have.
Here's the theory-

I think, that we are all 85's.

Now, what I mean is that everyone is equal in talents- they just have them in different places. For example, a mentally handicapped person may not be socially up to the norm, but he/she is a brilliant muscian or is a mathematics genius. (Therefore, this person's averaged "score" is an 85). A man may not be verbally intelligent but can build a sturdy house without even thinking about it.(ding! 85).

I have been told, on many occasions that this idea is too optimistic and that the cold hard fact is that some people are "more advanced" than others. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT! I think that some people just need to be better than others so they don't look for people's hidden talents. I don't think that my theory means we all have to get along either. I just think it means that we're all on equal footing in a sense.

****What do you think? Am I a sap? Or and idiot? Or something else entirely?

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3rd July, 2004. 4:34 pm. Computer nudity is fun fun fun!

Blabbing on this thing is great. It's like walking around Times Square naked and nobody seeing you. Actually, <--that is a bad metaphor because I bet in the NYC that could happen sometimes. Perhaps on my next visit I'll walk around Times Square in the buff to answer this. I just mean, that I can been a complete fool and say some really honest things and not get hurt or hurt others feelings. The latter is what ususally occurs when I take my brutal honesty to the streets. I am a fairly diplomatic person about my truths, it's just that so many people don't seem to tell people the straight shit to their face. So, when some of us do tell....well, it's like we took that person that's been without honest comments for so long, and kicked them in the nuts. Which is unfortunate. I'm not so much in admiration of nut kicking, nope just honesty; I wish that the two could be different beasts.
I've also found in my aim for honesty, that those of us that embrace the truth more often...are ironically, best at telling falsehoods. I think that's because we know what truth looks like and we're able to create a fairly good knock-off. Bee back soon. BUZZZZ

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