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31st August 2003

1:09pm: Back to the joy that is school on wedensday!! I shouldnt be so sarcastic, I love it really. I just dont want to have to do my biology report. AS level is so much harder than GCSE. I used to find science easy but now I'm seriously worring about me not being able to cope. Ah well, tis life lol. Politics looks really good though, I can't wait to start that. I really am looking forward to seeing all my friends again. Its not that I don't see anyone in the holidays, cos i do, but I miss not seeing everyone every day.
I have igured out one of the major reasons I'm upset, and its all down to my dad *sighs* I just can't help feeling rejected by him. My parents split up when my mum was pregnant, and I could deal with that. But what I hate my dad for is that he didnt make any time to see me until I was 5. Then he nly saw me 3 or 4 times and got bored of me I suppose. Then 10 years later he tries to win me back by buying me birthday presents and the like. damn him. I don't love him. That is the strangest feeling in the world, not loving your own dad. I dont want him either. Part of me does want to find out about him, because regardless of how he has acted, he is still half of everything I am. his absence has played as big a role in my life as if I'd known him. Part of me also feels guilty for not loving him, because I just think back to all the times I cried myself to sleep at night because I wanted him to be there for me. I feel like such a hypocrite because of that. But I'm nearly all grown up what do I need him for? My mum's boyfriend is as much of a father as I'll ever need. But there is still some part of me that just wants to know about him... I wonder if I'm similar to him. I wonder if we like the same food. I wonder if he has a temper like me. I wonder if he is as interested in science and culture and literature as me. Maybe I am just like him. But I don't think I'll ever find out because I cannot let him back into my life only to lose him all over again. I feel really really confused over this. I really need some help. None of my friends are in a situation anything like the one I'm in so while they'll listen to me, they really don't know what advice to give. Does anyone out there in the big world of cyber space have any suggestions or any experiences like mine? they would be much appreciated!!
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: bbmak, back here
10:57am: I'm feeling much better today for some reason. What does it matter if he, I'll call him Sam, doesn't like me? I have the rest of my life and he is so incredibly insignificant. I do think I am in love with him, but whats meant to be will surely be. Jesus Christ this entry is just one enormous cliche!!!

Anyway, I'm sure I can find another decent guy to like in this big wide world. I'm sounding like some sad, pathetic loser. Maybe I am. Does it matter? I don't think it does really.

I had a really strange dream last night but it was so real. the most real dream I've ever had. I was really suprised when I woke up. I was working on a submarine, with some people who I don't know but in my dream they were my friends. We were doing some important work, I know that. But what was so strange was that I had all my memoreies and hopes and ambitions in this dream. Maybe its a premonition. I do want to do something important with my life. I don't want to just fade away after I die, I don't necesarily want to be famous or remembered, I just want to make a difference to the fucked up state of this planet. I can't talk about this cos it reminds me of an utter bastard. fuck you if your reading this, which i very much doubt in any case.

I need to figure out how to use this site properly. I can't make it very prettiful cos I don't understand html. That will change someday I suppose.

One of the reasons I'm so stressed at the moment is because my granma has come to stay. I still live at home and my parents have gone away for the weekend so they invited her across so I didn't have to look after Sarah, my little sis. The only problem is that my Granma is utterly useless so I have to do most of the stuff anyway. She is so fucking lazy which is half the problem. She made some tea but she couldnt be fucking bothered to put the teabag in the bin two feet away so she left her soggy teabag on the side. How fucking lazy can you get. I spend half my time just clearing up after her. BITCH.

I need to go cos I'm getting too stressed 'cos I'm reminding myself of everything.
Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: savage garden, santa monica

30th August 2003

8:03pm: I feel so strange right now. I was so unbelievably happy not that long ago and now... now I don't know how I feel. There is a guy that I really like , but due to recent events (which I wont go into 'cos its just not good for me to dwell on) he doesn't like me any more. Fair enough, WHY should he like me. I can handle him not liking me, its just because he used to I kinda got my hopes up. I'd got round to thinking about what it would be like when we started going out, but now that aint even a hope. I just REALLY like him *sighs*. I have to get over the fact that I am never going to be in a proper relationship where I have a guy who loves me as much as I love him, and vice versa. It wont be long till I can start over, then maybe I can find a guy. I'm kidding myself...

I wish... I don't even know what I want. That can't be a good sign. Actually, if I could have anything, anything at all, I'd turn back the clock seven days. No, thats a lie, I'd cure world hunger or pay off public debt in the poorest countries, but if I had to be selfish I'd turn back the hands of time. R. Kelly... lol I used to love that song. Only, it reminds me of standing alone at a disco looking at all the couples dancing. I wasnt alone, none of my friends had dates but its psychological I supose. Anyway I'm too confused to carry on writing this. I don't know what I want, and even if I did, even if I had everything I could ever want I dont know if would be happy.
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Avril Lavigne, Losing Grip
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