A realisation... smart or stupid?   
03:51am 25/05/2008
 
mood: contemplative
music: In Flames - Dead End
Today I hit the town with the gang (yes I am still drunk)... turns out that I'm not completely one hundred per cent over Clare...

I actually discovered this a few weeks ago... its only now that its late, can't sleep and have the time to blog it all this, but to perfectly honest I still love her and truly believe that she is my one.

I know that I am still young and stupid... so there is the possibility that I am wrong, but I really can’t help but think that based on what I know at this point in my life, there is no one else out there for me....

... I am not stupid enough to shut out the possibility of finding love elsewhere, but no matter how busy I keep myself or how strong I am or pretended to be…. I still love her… why can’t I stop loving her?

I mean I feel that she totally fucked me and... I just don’t get it, I shouldn't be feeling this way.

I had a pretty in-depth conversation with a friend a couple of weeks ago... and came to the realisation that despite what I keep trying to tell myself I am still in love with Clare-bear and that she is my one.

Even if she doesn’t feel the same, I accept that she did what she had to do so that she could be happy... and who can fault her for that? If it was anyone else I would have told them to do just as she did... if your not happy break it off now and find your true love.

I am old enough now to know that its not always going to be a happily ever after... so regardless of if she is my one or not, there are just no guaranties in life. There are certain things in life that will not go exactly to plan, but life is what it is... you can only control things so far and some of it regardless of if we like to think some of it really does come to chance.

I mean who knows... I mean, if sometime down the road we manage to strike up a conversation and fall in love all over again then we will know that I was definitely right and that I earnt my happily ever. If not I will… well… maybe I am making up for one of my character flaws, or perhaps even to balance something out something good that is to occur in the future … hell maybe I am just an asshole and this life screwing me for something I have already done… ?

Either which way I dice it I do love her still… I will have to deal with that one, Do I think that we will get back together… I don’t like the chances as any reconciliation will probably never occur as we are both SO stubborn, she dumped me so I can’t crawl back, and she is incredibly strong willed and will never admit that she made a mistake… and prolly not worth the effort when there must be so many others waiting in the wings for their chance with her.

Such as life suppose… I will kick on keeping myself busy with the gym and focusing on my career and jump on any opportunity that comes up regardless of the posting like a fat kid on a cup cake because... let’s face it there isn’t a whole lot else that I want.
 
     
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I seriously need answers....?   
03:31am 21/01/2008
 
mood: confused
music: Seether - Truth
Turns out... this whole thing with Clare and the whole growing up thing. I thought it might have been me acting a little immature.... but turns out, it not.

I have made a huge effort to be civil, so that we can still be friends and... she is now seems to be going out of her way to completely ignore my very existence. At first I thought it was just me... but after all I have witnessed, and I have heard now from a quite a few people some of her closer friends its not just me and she is being "cruel", "silly, "stubborn", "stupid" and the word "bitch" has actually now surfaced.
Some people said ‘give it time, you didn’t break up that long ago and this is her dealing with it’, I completely accept that as an answer… but times rolling on, nothing’s changed, and for someone that dumped me and said that she ‘probably stopped loving me 12months before the split… umm you can see why I am more than a little confused?
I hate to talk crap about people (sometimes its just fun), but there is only so much bull shit one can actually handle... whether she knows it or not the way she was acting the day before new years, and again new years eve, it actually reduced me to tears. It's bad enough that after going out for three years and everything else... to find that our relationship ment so little to her to so much as sit down and really talk out our concerns to just end it... she is now seems to be going out of her way to twist the knife around to hurt me further so that any sort of friendship is impossible.

I would love to know what I did, or she thinks that I did to deserve any of this... seriously what the fuck is going on?!

.... is it me?? Am I fucken defective or something?

Now that I got all that rant out the way I will look to happier news... last few months I lost 6-7kgs, as I said before I so didn't need to, but I'm not complaining. I have now also started to go to gym on a regular basis... and I got to say have only just started, but a week in and I got to be honest I am starting to feel real good about myself. I still have moments of self doubt... like the ones above, but it only seems to be when I am trying to work out what is going through Clare’s head, and the more time that passes and the more people I talk to... I shouldn't even bother trying to figure it out and I really should just kick her off the metaphorical pedestal that I have had her on since the first day that we met. Soon as I can bring myself to do that, to sooner I can bring my social confidence to a new level.

In other news… been talking about it for a while now and I have decided that I am going to finally get my ass behind the wheel of a new car... of the two door sports variety. And soon as Anthony's MR2 is finished I am going to have to give it a spin and see what I think... from all the pics it looks mint... and what can I say, I miss the whole scene. Yes I am saving for a place of my own.... I figure its going to be a long slog anyways and buggered if I am going to slog all the way through it not have fun, not do the things that I enjoy, and do it all stuck under my perants roof (like oh so many of my friends) cos I am too... whatever to grow the fuck up and join the real world. In saying that... I am out of home already; I can have the car... and still slog away at that new house, while actually living my life.

Here is to getting answers and to happier times.
 
     
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My god that was hard...   
01:22am 25/11/2007
 
mood: contemplative
music: Nightwish - Seven Days To the Wolves
That was seriously the most gut wrenching thing of all time...

Tonight night I saw Clare for the first time since we split up... and when we walked out the door (bad timing, really) she was there and I needed to get past and... as we passed I thought "shit think fast... quick hug say good night... get pass to the car." It was as if I didn't exist all night... and when we embraced (my god I missed her) I may as well have been a complete stranger.

Needless to say... the experience devastated me. My only goal has been has to put on the brave face, keep busy not think about it.... tonight it all got too much and I just lost it. I was completely exposed... all I can say it was like watching the Titanic hit the ice berg and watching the water pour in... only in my case it was out.

I am usually emotionless... in that I don't reveal them, when it comes to my emotions they are generally very level pegged and don't fluctuate a great deal,happy or sad... they are not terribly different, I dont have ever have those extremes. This thing with Clare... is a whole different ball game, maybe cos there is too much of my... heart and soul invested so that when it comes to Clare... I dont know its as if I I am being gutted

My emotions are my own, its private and my own business... other people can share them, but me... "I'm a man.. I don't cry!" I am supposed to be "the warm light that the life of this world crowed around"... I am not supposed to be someone else's burden... people should not have to comfort me... I am supposed to be stronger and beyond all that.

Tonight... fuck I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life, all I can say is thank god Julie went out... I needed to be very much on my own and allowed to cry with out worrying if someone heard or saw me... (its prolly too late now... I think nearly everyone in our group has seen me break down now to some extent now, and Sarah, Regan, Mike and Ryan caught the worst of it just tonight... (Ryan was so uncomfortable.... so sorry man!)).

When will it just get easy...?

What should do now... I cant sleep, should I watch a movie or crank up the music a little more while the house is empty and listen to more Nightwish or something? Or do I just do both? I'm prolly not going to sleep anyways...? Which is the same as having an extra 4 to 8 hours each day?... more free time, is really not what I was looking for right now? Maybe a few weeks ago that would have been awesome, now.... not so much. Free time = thinking = ... a head fuck.


Clare if by chance you read this... I will eventually grow up and deal with it. I still love and will always love you, and I so much want to stay good friends with you if nothing else... please know that I dont hate you and if this is what you need to do to be happy, I understand and I will respect this... I just am just using this blurty to process it all, as I dont seem to be equipped to deal with this sort of thing any other way. *huggles*

Night, all...? :|
 
     
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Strip clubs...?   
04:27am 24/11/2007
 
mood: mellow
music: Stone Sour - Blotter
Ok... I got home late from work again... like most days this week cos I just didn't really want to go home. On the plus side I suppose at least at work I got the opportunity to build relations with my boss, earn some more cred, get some extra bits and pieces done and get in on all the upcoming projects at work.

All great things for my career don't get me wrong.... but... it just happens to be the single plus of trying to do anything, but deal with the other stuff going on.

In any case... I got home about eight thirty... kinda late but you get that I suppose, got home round 9. made a salad (not good before drinking... not enough carbs to soak up the the boose)... and after a number of calls got fired up enough to start drinking and go to Josh's play three man, do a few Jagher bombs (assuming thats how you spell it) we then caught a cad into the city. Spent.. 5 mins at Tiger Lills... and went with Anthony and company to go to a strip joint. Umm what can I say other then... it seems completely wrong?????

It was wrong when I was in a relation... and "single"... it still seems degrading. I know women that do it say "its empowering" but... I dont know, perhaps when it comes to that sort of thing I old fashioned or something... having some chick grinding up and down you and throwing her tits in your face... its not in any way sexy, it just seems wrong and awkward or something. Sexy... thats something else, thats... loving someone.

Anyways... I hung around for a little, mostly at the bar drinking.... but I got bored rather quickly and I went to find the others at the Library... danced around a little, left and went home. It was good to get out I suppose... but... I dont know the whole thing seems empty and somewhat meaningless.

Meh.... as you have prolly caught on (assuming anyone even reads this) I am still very much drunk... and thinking... which is bad cos you tend to always reveal too much of your true self. Sober you can think, formulate and conceal, drunk... your true self is out there and you are an open book for anyone to read.. or just flick through the pages.



*sigh*

I really miss Clare... its prolly for the best that my brain is just not capable of rationalising feelings and turning all that stuff going on inside my head into actual words...?

All I am willing to say is that... I am handling it, I honestly could not tell you how much is just repressed at the minute... but I am fine. I do miss Clare... it has only been a week to the day I know, but its more the knowing that it will in no way going to be the same.

What scares me the very most... I'm not really friends any of my ex's. :(

I would hate to lose her as a friend… I mean I thought that we became really good friends and could talk about anything…. we were really comfortable together, loved each other with all our hearts (or so I thought)… and… I don’t know all those things that mature relationships become over time. I mean relationships are never going to stay at the intensity of the” honeymoon period” which I think in a solid relationship is prolly two years…? But I suppose if that kind of relationship isn’t enough… then... what can you do…? I suppose that eventually people get to a point in their lives where they realise this…?

It's funny... I honestly thought in my mind that she was the one? So much so that I went and brought this really expensive platinum promise ring... all I can say is that if you are at all smart... look at statistics... ignore completely what the heart says, its a lying sack of shit... if the brain tells you, hey because of -dot-dot-dot- it's not going to work out in the long run... trust that instinct. If your stupid... do whatever the fuck you like your going to make the wrong choice... at the very least 50% of the time, more so if you are thinking with your genitals... works for both males and females.

Whatever... whatever comes next... I will just have to roll with the punches a bit better, learn when to fight or just when to walk away and be sure that whatever the exit strategy do it when you’re at the top and fuck the consequences. At least if you do the dumping... you have all the time you need to build up to it and prepare yourself of what’s to come.

... Well... saying that now and doing it... are different things, I always feel as if I am the giver, the one mostly likely to sacrifice something of myself for the happiness of others... as much as I like to think I am a bit of a bad ass... I am the complete opposite when I’m in love... fuck it, sun is coming up and I cbf'ed typing anymore.

I am pretty sure that none of this made any sense...
 
     
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I'm sad, hungry and I feel like shit....   
05:31pm 17/11/2007
 
mood: depressed
music: Rage Against the Machine - Rock is Dead
I am a little more composed now... still hard to write, but I suppose I hope that this is some small way helps me to get some perspective and get on with repairing my life.

Basically the short story is that last night Clare ended it. Which would bring to an end of three amazing years, with a girl that I am totally head over heels for. Only downside she dose not seem to think so... I honestly could not say whether she has always felt this way or is a resent thing, but she had been asked lots of questions about us, our future together... and all of a sudden I'm not the one she can see herself spending the rest of her life with.

... What do you say to something like that? In my mind.. yeah sure, the last two weeks have been a little strained. I suppose I thought she was tried and stress from work and what not so... I thought the best thing is space? Turns out I gave her too much space and the week of our three year milestone (tomorrow) and I'm ignoring her.

The fucked up part of it is I often too clingly and what ever... I suppose I was wrong...

Maybe the magic for her has gone... honeymoon period and all the passes and your just left... with each other, for me that was great and what all matured relationships are like and she is everything I could want and more. Dont get me wrong not perfect, there were a few things about her did annoy on occasion, and even that was when I was already grumpy... but who dosent? She was still Clare and seriously the one person that the very thought of moving in with, settling down with... never sent me running for the hills, it never scared me.

Odd thing I had been having similar questions pop up... for me I was looking at it the other way and thinking, next year ask her to move out together... yeah, maybe even consider that next step if that was working out and get engaged maybe.... and in a few years when our careers and what not were in order get married.

So there it all is... the internal mess of thoughts over the last few months... shattered glass. I mean will be honest in saying I held back, I am not about to rush into anything... my parents rushed into it and look how that completely fucked up there lives, I'm not about to go making the same mistakes. Take it slow wait till we were both ready...

But fuck I don't know anymore... perhaps it was for the best???? I suppose only time will tell... I only wish that I had known sooner to be honest that she had been thinking this way, I mean if that was the case and I wasn't right for her and she... was embarrassed by me or what ever then we should have ended it before I got so heavily involved and now so ridiculously crushed by the whole thing.


.......Three years, I honestly though she was the one?


I so just want to call her right now to talk to her... but I fear that I would only make a bigger ass of myself and that her mind is already made?

Anyways, thanks Chad (if you ever read this) for hanging out for me last night... it would have been a long and lonely walk home from the city if you weren't there.
 
     
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Fucked...   
05:00am 17/11/2007
 
mood: depressed
music: Drowning Pool - Upside Down
I don't know hey... I don't know what I can say other then, tonight was quite possibly... can't even write anything.

It sucked...
 
     
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Wow.. wow!   
03:19pm 20/10/2007
 
mood: hyper
music: Linkin Park - No More Sorrow
Wow well the Linkin Park concert last night... FUCKEN AWESOME!

What can I say other then they better come back soon or I better come into a stack of cash so that I can go traveling and so I can see them again one day.... cos that was one of the sweetest concerts I have ever seen, the music was awesome and the stage show wasn't too shabby either, and how sweet was that intro! And to be perfectly honest after the Manson concert... I really needed something to wash the stale bitter I've just been cheated taste in my mouth away and that concert worked a charm

And here is a warning for anyone that lives in Perth, never bother seeing a concert at challenge stadium... the venue and the acoustics are fucken terrible to say the least.
 
     
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Lets have some fun...   
09:00pm 23/09/2007
 
mood: irritated
music: Powerman 5000 - The End Is Over
Movies are fun...?

World of Warcraft the movie? Umm not a fan of the game, and I seriously fucken doubt that a WoW movie will be any good... I mean seriously what the fuck.

Turns out that Venom will be getting his own spin off.. who knew?

A prequel to Underworld... that could be cool I really enjoyed the first one.

Fast and Furious 4... awesome. First one was great... the second was a piece of shit that I would sooner forget, the third was pretty cool. The fourth installment is set to come back with Paul Walker and wait for it... Vin Diesel. Now Vin Diesel refused to do the second cos the story was utter shit and was just so fucken cliqued... Good call! If his in for the fourth.... this could mean we are in for another sweet movie, I am hoping for something with a similar feel of the first.

Wolverine spin off... from what I can gather this is set to begin filming in Sydney in November. Fingers crossed for a good one.

In related news Sony might have lost yet another format war with the next generation of high def DVD's... and once again the consumer is going to be stuck with another second rate technology. I would love to know how this keeps fucken happening... ??

Reason: From what I have heard Paramount and Dreamworks have decided to switch exclusively to HD-DVD for the next 18 months. Which will definitively hurt Sony... I really thought they had this war in the bag, I mean bundling the blu-ray in with the PS3, genius! Those high flyer's out at Paramount... you are all either really incredibly thick or a slimy bunch of corrupt fuck wits, either way... I fucken hate you.
 
     
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It's nearly here?   
05:23pm 30/08/2007
 
mood: curious
music: Drowning Pool - Full Circle
Yay! Vista SP1 is out in two weeks... which means in the next two months maybe I will be able to finally be able to make the move on to vista.

So far I have been very reluctant to make the move as Vista was still is buggy, a complete fucken resource hog and the complete lack of adequate driver support... hopefully in the next two months I will be able to see is firstly all my drivers are fully supported and stable and if some of the bugs that seem to bog down the machine have been ironed out. At the moment even the fastest machines notice a significant difference in performance between the two OS, and a lot of people have come to the conclusion that the loss of performance and driver support for a little added "pretty" that is vista (is a vista even)... is just not worth it the head fucks.

In saying that XP was a little the same... until SP1 came out XP ran like shit and I was very quick to go back to windows 2000, the only major difference with the two roll outs less, is the big companies like Nividea dropped the ball on driver support. Hopefully... this service pack will do the same for Vista, and third party driver support will start to ramp up.

At the moment... Apples OS 10 is prolly not a bad alternative, as it is stable as a primary operating system its good cos no one writes viruses for it, and you can run windows at the same time inside OS 10 so you can still use all your favorite PC programs and Apps that Apple cant/wont ever run. But.... at the end of the day I would prefer to stick with the one OS... also Apple... wankers, shoddy products, limited options and as one mate tactfully described it "very telly tubbies" and I have agree.....


**** EDIT****

Ok its a little further off then I thought... Windows announced yesterday the completed SP1 for first quarter of 2008... so later then was originally planed by MS as I think they were aiming for late 2007.

Still a long ways off to wait... in another upset I this is old new I heard this a month or so ago MS support for XP ends 2009... they only stopped supporting 98 about two years ago? Money grubbing bastards... I sure hope vista is completely sorted by then.
 
     
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A moment of zen...?   
12:05am 25/08/2007
 
mood: tired
music: Korn - Evolution
Ok its been a very long time sice I posted anything meaningful here so I have my doubts if this will ever be read, and it might not such a bad thing I suppose.

This was part of a VERY lengthy discussion with Gareth... I was and still am very tired... but I found it an interesting perspective on mankind, its... our eventual future, and I suppose our place...

It starts really geeky and hypothetical and gets all deep, I remind you that I was/am really tired typing this as I am now posting it... I really hope it make sense.

[24 August 2007 22:42] Gareth: 3d space is so constricting :(
[24 August 2007 22:43] Piveren: only because you have to share it
[24 August 2007 22:43] Gareth: (with fat people)
[24 August 2007 22:43] Piveren: with everyone and everything
[24 August 2007 22:45] Piveren: i mean if you could move out of phase then you could pass through everything in the physical realm
[24 August 2007 22:46] Piveren: kinda like being ethereal in dnd i suppose is the easiest way to illustrate what i am talking about
[24 August 2007 22:47] Piveren: at least thats what in vision the 4d to be
[24 August 2007 22:47] Gareth: fuck being an ethereal i'd settle for being a mage
[24 August 2007 22:48] Piveren: that would be cool.... i would settle with druid i think
[24 August 2007 22:49] Gareth: actually that's an interesting question, if you could be an adnd char in RL what would you be
[24 August 2007 22:49] Piveren: i would fuck off on my own and watch man destroy each other and periodically drop cause a natural disaster or two to level the playing field and for my own a amusement and then disappear again
[24 August 2007 22:49] Gareth: hehehe
[24 August 2007 22:50] Piveren: also... high level druids... stop aging
[24 August 2007 22:50] Piveren: live forever, always in the back seat of humanity working behind the scenes
[24 August 2007 22:50] Piveren: could be cool
[24 August 2007 22:51] Gareth: i imagine they just eventually get so old they blend into the ecosystem and fade away
[24 August 2007 22:51] Piveren: also polymophing dude... that would be awesome
[24 August 2007 22:51] Piveren: i better get to demi god level then
[24 August 2007 22:51] Piveren: haha
[24 August 2007 22:53] Piveren: a mage would also be cool... invisibility and telportation conduration... raise the dead?
[24 August 2007 22:54] Piveren: that could be fun.... rebuild the world, destroy technology and create some big beasties to keep it that way...
[24 August 2007 22:54] Gareth: actually i don't think any class would actually be able to help you
[24 August 2007 22:54] Gareth: i mean, you could be a bum and steal shit and do randomr tricks in a circus etc
[24 August 2007 22:54] Piveren: haha
[24 August 2007 22:54] Gareth: but in terms of actually helping with the problems we have these days, i dont think it owuld help
[24 August 2007 22:55] Piveren: fuck the circus... hire yourself as glorified overpaid artillery
[24 August 2007 22:55] Gareth: yay an advancement in warfare :(
[24 August 2007 22:55] Piveren: true true.... druid has the best chance of that i think
[24 August 2007 22:56] Gareth: i don’t
[24 August 2007 22:56] Gareth: druids don't give a fuck about mankind
[24 August 2007 22:56] Piveren: i mean for helping mankind
[24 August 2007 22:57] Piveren: use major natural disasters to destroy infrastructure and cities and return the world to balance
[24 August 2007 22:58] Piveren: sort of a cleansing... in the long run it would help
[24 August 2007 22:58] Piveren: bring back a celtic/wicka religion based on karma and nature...
[24 August 2007 22:58] Piveren: it would be all sweet
[24 August 2007 22:58] Gareth: ah :) post-apocalyptic scenarios are awesome
[24 August 2007 22:58] Gareth: yep, listen to Tool - Aenema... great song
[24 August 2007 22:59] Piveren: hang on i might have it
[24 August 2007 23:00] Gareth: it's the name of an album, as well as a song on that album that i'm referring to
[24 August 2007 23:00] Piveren: got the song
[24 August 2007 23:00] Piveren: listening to it now
[24 August 2007 23:01] Piveren: haha
[24 August 2007 23:01] Piveren: never really listened to the lyrics of that one
[24 August 2007 23:01] Gareth: hehe
[24 August 2007 23:02] Gareth: dunno if you'd actually like the style, but the theme is exactly what you're talking about
[24 August 2007 23:03] Gareth: "some say a comet will fall from the sky, followed by meteor showers and tida lwaves, fault lines that cannot sit still, followed by millions of dumb founded dipshits..."
[24 August 2007 23:03] Piveren: yeah its pretty clever...
[24 August 2007 23:03] Piveren: oooo you want a mad song... try nightwish - ghost love score, get the live version.... or the whole album once its awesome
[24 August 2007 23:03] Piveren: but get some head phones close your eyes and listen to it
[24 August 2007 23:03] Piveren: so powerful... not on the topic at all but its awesome
[24 August 2007 23:03] Gareth: and smoke up?
[24 August 2007 23:03] Piveren: no
[24 August 2007 23:04] Piveren: dont need to smoke up
[24 August 2007 23:04] Gareth: hehe
[24 August 2007 23:04] Piveren: its opera metal.... its pretty powerfull stuff
[24 August 2007 23:04] Piveren: also.... i do like some tool
[24 August 2007 23:08] Piveren: i mean i hate the bible, but it did have one thing in there that might be worth something and that is the bringing about an end of days and presumably starting over
[24 August 2007 23:09] Piveren: the only thing that bothers me is that man would still eventually revert to the way they were eventually
[24 August 2007 23:10] Gareth: fuck starting over
[24 August 2007 23:10] Gareth: man is smart enough to grow from what they have
[24 August 2007 23:10] Gareth: as long as we can stop breeding for the sake of it
[24 August 2007 23:12] Gareth: seriously, one of the best novels in existance i think is diaspora by greg egan. in it one of the protagonists turns himself off because he has achieved everything he wants to and considers himself complete.
[24 August 2007 23:12] Piveren: only true way to combat this is create a world in which they are not the selfish top of the food chain... bring in bigger beasties to balance the nature and man and keep them.... civilised and working in a relative harmony of sorts
[24 August 2007 23:13] Gareth: pfft make man more humble and to recognise our own fragility if we fuck up our planet
[24 August 2007 23:14] Gareth: but fucking up our planet would bring in an invisible hand to smite us just like another predator to pray on us
[24 August 2007 23:17] Piveren: true... a clean start, new world new memories and a new predators to keep the little fuckers in check and we are on the way
[24 August 2007 23:16] Piveren: key "reglious" ideals karma and nature.... and anyone caught creating another religion in which a single man or group begin to benefit it will be quashed... one set of "religious" ideals and man will have no real reason to wage wars
[24 August 2007 23:17] Gareth: assuming we can all agree on those...
[24 August 2007 23:20] Piveren: its simple karama... (dont fuck with other peoples lives, wives or property, do the "right thing") and nature (respect nature... dont fuck it up)
[24 August 2007 23:20] Piveren: karma pretty much covers everything when you think about it
[24 August 2007 23:20] Gareth: yeah but the boundaries get grey
[24 August 2007 23:20] Piveren: don’t fuck up or expect to be fucked up?
[24 August 2007 23:21] Gareth: it's not just yes/no, it's not even a continuous scale, there are many dimensions
[24 August 2007 23:23] Piveren: i think thats while free will is great... we need a god willing to grow a pair and step up from time to time to maintain order
[24 August 2007 23:24] Piveren: i mean... if there was really a god... then we are a science experiment that he left unattended for a few thousand years when he/she went on vacation... we got completely out of hand...
[24 August 2007 23:24] Gareth: why maintain order? chaos is healthy
[24 August 2007 23:27] Piveren: chaos is fine... my problem is more with how out of hand man can get and that we need to some extent be "maintained"... i don’t mind a few weeds in the grass lawn it keeps things interesting and less... plain, but a lawn of weeds?
[24 August 2007 23:27] Piveren: like the world is today... its pretty fucked up
[24 August 2007 23:30] Piveren: you might have a beautiful garden... but at the end of the day if its not tended to it will eventually get over run and go to the dogs
[24 August 2007 23:30] Piveren: i suppose thats what i am trying to get at
[24 August 2007 23:33] Gareth: you mean man is forcing somethig that is not natural?
[24 August 2007 23:34] Gareth: that will always descend into chaos to create another system.
[24 August 2007 23:34] Piveren: Yeah… wow I guess pretty much.
[24 August 2007 23:35] Piveren: i bet the story would play out pretty much the same way with out it
[24 August 2007 23:54] Piveren: when you think about it a garden... isnt strictly natural, but its beautiful all the same and I don’t think that mans true potential dosent lie in chaos and its ability to destroy everything
[24 August 2007 23:56] Piveren: dont get me wrong to rise to such a point is somewhat impressive... but its not pretty... perhaps though that is nature... you look at it closly its not nessarily pretty either but we can be impressed by it?
[24 August 2007 23:57] Piveren: perhaps travis was right "we are all part of the same compost heap"
[24 August 2007 23:57] Piveren: we are what we are.... and thats it?
[24 August 2007 23:58] Piveren: and that’s… really sad if that’s all there is?

By the time I got to the end... yeah... I was left with a lot to think about... guess it leads us back to why are we here exactly?

Who knows, what do you think...?
 
     
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How long has it been... way long.   
09:11pm 15/07/2007
 
mood: tired
music: Marilyn Manson - Reflecting God
It feels like forever since I have been on here to update... but keep posted I might try and make time for a real post tomorrow.

There is a lot of shit to talk about and no time to write about it...
 
     
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"Would you like an item number with that cost center?"   
12:52pm 28/02/2007
 
mood: blah
music: FallOut Boy - This Aint A Scene It's An Arms Race
Wow its been like forever since I have been on to update this thing... Surprised they haven't deleted me yet. What can I say other then that I have been pretty busy, and or had no access to the net.

Currently I have a little down time on the mine and things are fairly quiet... for the moment at least so I thought I would make a quick post. And keep looking for a new job for when I finish up here.

At this stage I am being offered a casual contract, but I have no idea how much work I would be able to get out of it at this stage, if there isn’t much on offer then I keep looking for another "career job". I have been told by my sister that there is work and they want me back at pb... which I suppose would be fine if it wasn’t a dead end. If I ended up back there I wont be going anywhere fast... and I want and need a challenge and a career path, something that just doesn’t seem to likely out there. In any case as soon as I get settled into a routine I will look into doing my masters externally, but not before.

Shift work and study = very shit.

In other most crazy news I have decided to move out with Julie... is it a mistake? Only time will tell. :D

Little excited... little scared... meh what happens, happens.

What else... ooo today’s paper "Girl, 7, sues over injuries as fetus."... god bless the US of A, what a bunch of tossers. Apparently her mum falling off a toilet that broke was the cause of her child’s learning disabilities and asthma". It couldn’t possibly be that the kid was always going to be stupid because god hates her... or her mother continued drinking while preggers? The asthma... the kid is just born with it, lazy, or lives inside dust/mould ridden shack somewhere. That was pure speculation.... but there are lots of reasons for those two things could happen... some how they blame the toilet that happens to be in a public place by the mother 4 months before birth?

Whatever…
 
     
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What would you kill for?   
04:53am 19/11/2006
 
mood: bitchy
music: Stone Sour - Your God
This study thing is really starting to piss me off.

What more is there to say...? I got to say though this will be the last exams (hopefully) that I will ever have to par-take in and it’s an awesome feeling. The downside how ever is the complete lack of motivation... the end is SO close I can practically taste it yet SO far away. I mean for fuck sake I have NEVER had an exam that fell in the second week of exams... but this semester, the very last one and BOTH in the second week.... and the last one the very LAST day. What the hell is up with that seriously?

Eh... In any case this is just stalling.

I am looking forward till Friday night... not sure what I am doing but I can see it drinking with James and more then likely finishing off my new computer so that its ready to roll for the Saturday.

What is Saturday you might ask... it’s a lan, and yes I am a bit of a geek BUT its been so long. It was supposed to be a keg lan... but I think that 55 liters between 12 beer drinkers, might be a little too much if we are to last the twenty or so hours and still be able sit up right at a computer and rally enough concentration for a decent game.

I was thinking jagger bombs? It would combine all the important elements required for a lan... which is essentially pure energy (ooo I need to find me some epinephrine) and alcohol. BUT I was told there will be drinking games... and jagger bombs they're just not going to fly, I wouldn't last 20minuts before face planting my keyboard.

In other news I have it on good authority that Julie is coming back to Perth, Chad is also coming home... no idea when exactly and to be honest its doubtful that he even knows I suppose as soon as he gets his shit organised and Jemma is also coming home in February...

... and I just realised that this web browser has a built in spell checker... which I got to say is pretty awesome. It’s a fucken shame that it has an american dictionary. SEE... no you cant but it wants me even spell american with a capital ffs. Pfff well in the semi immortal words of Cartman it can suck my balls.

I mean come on organise and realised.... its not a "z" its a "s" damn it... "z" is probably better as it spells it the way it sounds, but twelve years of school, six years at uni and one english nazi girlfriend all busting my chops later, its kinda a habit now. Having all the software in the world configured to 'american' bugs me. :P


Anyways I want to get through one more lecture before I hit the hay... or the pillow or what ever.


Oh.... And you should read this if you get the chance. It’s pretty fucked up... capitalism at its finest right there. I am honestly embarrassed at the world I am living in when I read shit like that. It’s just a video game consol for fuck sake. I swear to god if Perth hell Australia ever gets that retarded I am moving.

Nothing wrong with capitalism… hell I’m an economist for shit sake, but… GARRR! I wish more people were capable of seeing the big picture… way too many people out there that go through life with the blinders on. There is SO MUCH shit going on in the world… and to kill for a video game consol. Are you fucken kidding me?!
 
     
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"...a punk rocker with flowers in my hair? Wtf?! Not only dose this song suck... it makes no sense!"   
11:24pm 23/10/2006
 
mood: blah
music: Basement Jaxx - Take Me Back To Your House
How awesome...

After that dismal review of 'The Open Door" that you be firmly closed, locked and boarded over... I started listening to "Crazy Itch Radio" the new Bassment Jaxx album. It’s pretty good... a very fun album.

Julie would love it.

The album gets a little bit too slow for my liking towards the end... but the first half is all gold.

Been looking high and low for some new tunes to listen to... its about time that I found something decent, all I need now is some new rock, heavy rock or metal and I have got most moods covered. :)

Will need to find some new hard core dance or drum and bass for work... I did manage to track down an old cd set "Bonkers the Rezurection"... I really liked it from memory, fun old school hardcore dance, with some good remixes.

Anyways... I got a few things that I want need to get back to.

PS

Clare comes home tonight!! :D
 
     
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"Education is important... but people at the end of the day are stupid."   
03:39am 15/10/2006
 
mood: tired
Hmmm... I have had it sitting on my computer for a while waiting for me to go through and listen to and... I got to say I am very disappointed in the new Evanescence album (The Open Door) and it's definitely not one that I am about to run out and buy.

I think the band pretty much died in the ass after Ben Moody left the scene. I like so many I know fell in love with 'Fallen' when it was released in '03. Later that year I heard that Ben had left the band and being worried about how the band would fair with out him, given that he wrote and played lead guitar and wrote practically all the songs.

After hearing their latest album... I was right to be worried. It’s nothing special. It lacks harmony, a certain power and drive from Bens guitar... and with what quite frankly can only be described as dull uninteresting lyrics.

Personally given how many original band members remain and the crap that they are churning out... they should be forced to rename the band before they totally destroy what was once a great band... might be a little late for that now though.

All that said and done it was fun while it lasted... all one album. o_0

-----


In other news Clare is on the opposite side of the country... getting into all sorts of mischief with Julie.

God help us all. ;)

-----


Oooo and in a few days time... 'BattleField 2142'. It's all very exciting... I am trying to work out wether not I should give it a spin when I get it or save it to break in the new computer.

The decisions... the responsibility *gasp* it's any wonder I am able to sleep with these kinds of pressures.

Speaking of which it's getting late and I going to have a shower and then lay in bed and re-watch 'Firefly' until I drift off to sleep.
 
     
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"I sued Panasonic! They never said I shouldn't use their microwave to dry off my cat."   
07:23pm 26/09/2006
 
mood: amused
music: Weird Al Yankovic - White and Nerdy
Rofl! This song is some funny shit... in fact I think I might post the lryics.

White & Nerdy by Al Yankovic

They see me mowin’
My front lawn
I know they’re all thinking I’m so white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Can’t you see I’m white and nerdy?
Look at me, I’m white and nerdy
I wanna roll with
The gangstas
But so far they all think I’m too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
I’m just too white and nerdy.
Really really white and nerdy.

First in my class here at MIT
Got skills, I’m a champion at D&D
MC Escher - that’s my favorite MC
Keep your 40, I’ll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin, to the contrary
You’ll find that they’re quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawking’s in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
Got people beggin’ for my top eight spaces
Yo, I know pi to a thousand places
Ain’t got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I’m a whiz at Minesweeper - I could play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you’re gonna stay amazed
My fingers’ movin’ so fast I’ll set the place ablaze
There’s no killer app I haven’t run
At Pascal, well I’m number one
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain’t got a gat but I got a soldering gun
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I’ll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I’m fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon

They see me roll on
My Segway
I know in my heart they think I’m white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Can’t you see I’m white and nerdy
Look at me, I’m white and nerdy
I’d like to roll with
The gangstas
Although it’s apparent I’m too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
I’m just too white and nerdy
How’d I get so white and nerdy

I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’
X-Men comics, you know I collect ‘em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect ‘em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code, who do they call?
I do HTML for ‘em all
Even made a homepage for my dog
Yo, I got myself a fanny pack
They were havin’ a sale down at The Gap
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
Pop, pop, hope no one sees me
Gettin’ freaky
I’m nerdy in the extreme
And whiter than sour cream
I was in AV Club and Glee Club and even the Chess Team
Only question I
Ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk
Or do I like Picard
Spend every weekend at the Renaissance Fair
Got my name on my underwear

They see me strollin’
They laughin’
And rollin’ their eyes ‘cause I’m so white and nerdy
Just because I’m white and nerdy
Just because I’m white and nerdy
All because I’m white and nerdy
Holy cow, I’m white and nerdy
I wanna bowl with
The gangstas
But, oh well, it’s obvious I’m white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
I’m just too white and nerdy
Look at me, I’m white and nerdy

It's scary that I get all the references... And Weird Al... he either did his homework, or his a nerd himself. I am thinking the latter.


Anyways I am part way through listening to the new Weird Al Yankovic album... and there is some pretty funny shit on here.

On a semi related note... the other day at uni I met a girl wearing a CAD winter-een-mas jumper at the tav after beverage appriciation. It totally threw me... It was the coolest thing I had ever seen. What made it strange was that she reminded me too much of someone that I am not overly fond of... but at the same time a much cooler model or something because of the jumper.

Very weird experience to say the least.

Anyways I think I might bale and play computer games. :)
 
     
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Thank you. That was for Cecily. All right. This next one's called "The Wanton Folly of Me Mum."   
11:42pm 11/09/2006
 
mood: tired
music: Stone Sour - 30/30-150
God can you tell that I am supposed to be working on yet another assignment. :P

If none of you realised today is five years on from 11/09... (fuck that backwards 9/11 crap). And I remember saying back then that it was prolly the beginning of the end. And given everything that has happened since... I honest thought I was going to be right. But I could be wrong... things have seemed to have settled in the last year or so... well if you don’t count and Iran beginning to flex its muscle in the oil rich middle east.

To be honest, good on them. While the Americans might kicking up a stink (which means its all we ever hear about)... I think its could good thing.

I mean it's a pretty complex situation... but here is my reasoning for the statement,

Bad:

Nukes - I am against Iran developing its nuclear enrichment program and weapon capabilities, not because its Iran, but rather NO-ONE should be allowed to have them in the first place. That includes the Americans.

Shit Stirring - This could be more the way media reports have been packaged, but it just seems that Iran is stirring up the pot and deliberately trying to get a rise out of the Americans.

Good:

Openness - This is in someways linked with the shit stirring, but at least they can't be accused of doing it in secret, which is potentially more dangerous (especially on the political front).

Middle East Needs a regional power... that’s not Israel. Israel are considered regional powers, but are too busy fighting everyone around it trying to secure it's own boarders to really do much, and everyone in the Middle East... well hate them to put it simply. So have little to no diplomatic influence.

Iran on the other hand... has a complex system of government that is democratic/hard line Islam and appears to be becoming more liberalised... and I think given the social changes that appear to be occurring, over the next few years/decades Iran will continue being and become a more stable democratic nation. So given that Iran is a stable democratic government that appear to have a fairly good rapore with regional neighbours... if they were to build themselves up and become the new regional 'sheriff' it would be a good thing. Let them sort there own shit out. America and there agenda's really don't belong there... they are just aggravating everyone and its fuelling hatred for the west.

I live in the west... to be honest quite like it here and while the chances are slim I don't want to get killed by some deranged suicidal kid that discovered Islam, and decided that life sucked and the reward 40 virgins in the after life seemed like a good trade.

And the point of the story is not to drink paint....

Yeah I kinda got off topic there... umm OH! 11/9... umm beginning of the end, conspiracy, control and manipulation through fear, decreased civil liberties and freedoms, to create a police state.

Fuck that was quick... why didn’t I do that to start with. o_0

But like I saying things appear to be settling a little... but in saying that cant take everything away at once... people might actually notice.

Eh... thank fuck I'm here in Australia...

**EDIT**

Perhaps its not that much better here... I did a little poking around and it turns out that 37 new laws have been passed over the last 5 years relating to anti-terrorism, security and intelligence.

The news laws have even gone to the extent of making it very difficult for academics to even reasurch and write papers on terrorism, physcology of suicide bombers, etc... with out having ASIO crawling up their ass.

Turns out we are not free as I thought...

**EDIT**


PS

Peter Brock... A real tragdy. At least you went out with a bang doing what you loved. RIP :(

PPS

And now for something completely different... Chad this is for you bro. :)



Do you think there is a bonus if you get two at once?

This is also for chad…



Enough said… ;)

PPPS

Pick the quote and I will... buy you something candy. :)
 
     
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"... lets give it a cuddle."   
07:36pm 05/09/2006
 
mood: busy
music: Audioslave - Dosen't Remind Me
Convo I was having with Bart that I thought was kind of ammusing... relivent to current affairs... counts as an update my journal and is me putting off this assignment thats due tomorrow morning. Talk about multi tasking. :D

[00:51] tronic: yo
[00:54] Piveren: hey
[00:54] tronic: so steve erwin hey
[00:54] tronic: what a dumbarse
[00:54] Piveren: haha
[00:54] tronic: and i bet therell be emails going round with a pic of a stingray saying to a croc - 'sucked in!!'
[00:54] Piveren: he deserved it
[00:54] Piveren: at least now he wont be able to make all australians look like a bunch of tards
[00:55] tronic: yeh
[00:55] Piveren: its a shame though that it wasnt a croc that nailed him
[00:55] tronic: but hes done heaps for the environment and awarness and is massive in the usa and canada and etc
[00:55] tronic: and has a wife and 2 kids
[00:55] Piveren: true
[00:55] Piveren: that is kinda sad
[00:56] Piveren: but.... looking at the plus side
[00:56] Piveren: trying to keep it lite
[00:56] tronic: i know
[00:56] Piveren: and for me thats just laughing at it and ignoring the human element
[00:57] tronic: a psychologists would analyse that it seems you have an inability to deal with real emotion and have to laugh stuff off to deal
[00:57] tronic: it makes you think y such jokes come out after like 9-11
[00:58] tronic: or diana dying in a car accident or even the miners getting trapped in beaconsfield
[00:58] Piveren: pffft his not my family or friend and i dont know his wife and kids... i have no emotional conection there to begin with... so what would i be expected to deal with?
[00:59] tronic: just a theory...
[00:59] Piveren: true but its reading too much into it
[00:59] tronic: what causes people to think of this crap
[00:59] Piveren: its news.... look at all stand up comics
[01:00] Piveren: they take anything and everything in the news cos we all know about it and can relate
[01:00] tronic: oh yeh
[01:00] tronic: but shit like 'what does diana stand for'
[01:00] tronic: Died In A Nasty Accident
[01:01] Piveren: well.. thats lol... thats actually kinda clever
[01:01] Piveren: not overly tasteful i suppose
[01:02] Piveren: sorry i was writing and reading
[01:02] Piveren: i prolly should have spaced that so it didnt read as thoughts
[01:03] tronic: rather inappropriate and it came out days after the accident...
[01:03] tronic: i laugh at it but it makes me think
[01:04] Piveren: like what were steves last words "the stringray is totally harmless... i'm going to give it a cuddle"
[01:04] tronic: haha
[01:05] tronic: well apparently only 3 reported deaths before his...
[01:05] tronic: pretty nuts
[01:07] Piveren: in all honesty it i dont really care either which way... wishing death on someone is an extreem and i would never "seriously" wish it on any one... but on the other hand i found him to be quite.... irritating like scratching nails down a black board or eating aluminium foil
[01:08] tronic: true
[01:08] tronic: http://www.abc.net.au/farnorth/stories/s1732635.htm?backyard
[01:10] Piveren: “Steve Irwin and his team had been filming a new documentary, titled Ocean's Deadliest,”
[01:10] Piveren: kinda ironic no?
[01:10] tronic: yep
[01:11] Piveren: right through the heart... thats something you would only expect in a book or something
[01:12] Piveren: something disturbingly poetic in it
[01:12] tronic: well - apparently non poisonous
[01:12] tronic: but yeh - good shot really
[01:12] tronic: or just unlucky
[01:13] Piveren: unlucky maybe... but when somehting like that happens in such a manor... its almost as if its a fate thing
[01:15] Piveren: like i said its too... dont know how to explain.... but dosent seem like your typical “random” every day occurrence
[01:15] tronic: but its not an every day thing someone goes swimming with stingrays either
[01:17] Piveren: but its the single deadly strike to the heart...
[01:18] Piveren: didnt matter if it happened while the ordinary person like you or me crashes a car and gets that sort of injury
[01:18] Piveren: then again fate as romantic as it is the notion is a bit of a cop out for when life kicks you in the balls though
 
     
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"There is a madman loose in the mall! Oh the horror!!"   
04:58am 11/08/2006
 
music: Powerman 5000 - Murder
Happy Birthday to me!


Well I am now old and just realised just how long it has been since I updated this thing... I will look into setting aside more time for this sort of thing in the future but I am pretty busy and with, uni, work, real life, the love of my life and my gamming duties, so this has been neglected as a result.

Any who... will try, that’s all I am saying.

AND when I get two minutes I will have to check up on Chad... there has only been so much goss that I have managed to extract from him when I have caught him online at train stations and net cafes.

Turns out though, his alive and a bum so it would appear that no a lot has changed in the year or so that his been away. ;)
 
     
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One car dies and another will be re-born like a phoenix from the ashes... eventually   
08:48pm 13/04/2006
 
mood: Meh
music: The Living End - What's On Your Radio
Well a couple of days after my last post... I crashed my beautiful nearly complete car.

Actually I didn't crash it... some bastard in one of cities biggest scourge (a 4wfd) drove straight up my ass and causing enough damage to completely write off the car. In addition my back and neck were fucked for several weeks as a result of the accident.

Life however is starting to return to normal, I have a new car and my back and neck are more or less better... I still have my days however. :(

The new car... it is definitely faster and more heavily modded then my old car, but it needs a respray and a few other things done to it before I will be completely happy with it. So as soon as I get the money from the sale of the engine out of my old car I will arrange to get the car kitted and resprayed, and have the stereo pulled from my old car installed into the new one.

So there is some work a head of me... and to be honest I am not completely happy with the whole thing. And given all the fucking about I think I will make this my first and last real project. Next time I will prolly go for a lightly modded car.. sporty but nothing "hard core" and over the top.

Oh well sometimes you win... sometimes you lose I suppose. I will try to look on the bright side… I’m sure something good will eventually come of it.
 
     
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