| i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams |
[28 Nov 2004|12:41am] |
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green day |
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i just got off of work and decided to update my journal before the hubby gets home and starts begging for attention. today was a sucky ass day at work just like all the days before it have been lately.. the new guy at work is such an ignorant redneck. i wish i could learn to like him but i just have a totally negative opinion of him right now plus he has complete disregard for authority, especially mine. thats enough to annoy. i am sick of the rain and on top of that its now freezing and i have no heater still. yippee. i never thought i would be able to sleep with a sweather and sweat pants and socks on. i've never had to. it gets really easy when you are living in a house w no insulation and no heat though. some days i sit around and wonder what would have happened if i had done this or that differently. i wonder about all the different routes my life could have taken. i was thinking about it while i was driving home from work (yes thats a whopping 10 minutes of deep thought) its just amazing how many different roads there are in life. my life could have ended up so many millions of different ways. i could have stayed at wilcox and in my house and w josh without us ever breaking up and i wonder what my life would be like now. would i ever even know about the other doors? i could have stayed w beau and ignored his lies as he would have liked. i could have married jeff or gone to auburn like i was suppose to or both. i could have went to illinois during spring break. i could have gone to college, i could have not gone to college. i could have gone to community college. i could have moved to bham w my friends (the one i think about the most). theres just so many possibilities. so many huge things in our life boil down to just a few days. its amazing when you think about it. no matter what i'm glad i chose the road i've chose of late. its hard. its really painful becoming an adult. just when you think you are there you never really are. i can't believe i'm married and pregnant. i think this part of my life is much harder than puberty if not equal to it. i'm just so confused in so many ways. everything happened so fast. but i made this decisions on my own. if it turns out good or bad i'll never regret having a family. i know my whole life is going to change. i know a lot of people disagree with my decisions and i wish they didn't there are so many people i wish i could really share this with, who would really be excited and really understand my reasoning. but the world really won't matter anymore once my baby is here and i can hold him/her and i can see all the light in the world in their life, all the light that seems so absent from mind. in some ways i'm terrified but in other ways i'm confident. i will change with the baby. we will get through this together. i will be the best mom.
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| i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams |
[28 Nov 2004|12:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
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weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
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green day |
] |
i just got off of work and decided to update my journal before the hubby gets home and starts begging for attention. today was a sucky ass day at work just like all the days before it have been lately.. the new guy at work is such an ignorant redneck. i wish i could learn to like him but i just have a totally negative opinion of him right now plus he has complete disregard for authority, especially mine. thats enough to annoy. i am sick of the rain and on top of that its now freezing and i have no heater still. yippee. i never thought i would be able to sleep with a sweather and sweat pants and socks on. i've never had to. it gets really easy when you are living in a house w no insulation and no heat though. some days i sit around and wonder what would have happened if i had done this or that differently. i wonder about all the different routes my life could have taken. i was thinking about it while i was driving home from work (yes thats a whopping 10 minutes of deep thought) its just amazing how many different roads there are in life. my life could have ended up so many millions of different ways. i could have stayed at wilcox and in my house and w josh without us ever breaking up and i wonder what my life would be like now. would i ever even know about the other doors? i could have stayed w beau and ignored his lies as he would have liked. i could have married jeff or gone to auburn like i was suppose to or both. i could have went to illinois during spring break. i could have gone to college, i could have not gone to college. i could have gone to community college. i could have moved to bham w my friends (the one i think about the most). theres just so many possibilities. so many huge things in our life boil down to just a few days. its amazing when you think about it. no matter what i'm glad i chose the road i've chose of late. its hard. its really painful becoming an adult. just when you think you are there you never really are. i can't believe i'm married and pregnant. i think this part of my life is much harder than puberty if not equal to it. i'm just so confused in so many ways. everything happened so fast. but i made this decisions on my own. if it turns out good or bad i'll never regret having a family. i know my whole life is going to change. i know a lot of people disagree with my decisions and i wish they didn't there are so many people i wish i could really share this with, who would really be excited and really understand my reasoning. but the world really won't matter anymore once my baby is here and i can hold him/her and i can see all the light in the world in their life, all the light that seems so absent from mind. in some ways i'm terrified but in other ways i'm confident. i will change with the baby. we will get through this together. i will be the best mom.
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| make believe we never needed anymore than this.. |
[17 Nov 2004|08:15pm] |
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The Cure ~ Letters To Elise |
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well jennifer got arrested today and baby josue is with my mom until further notice. they are talking about sending her off for two years.. i dont know what i think. she needs someone to discipline her, someone to shake some since in to her... i mean she friggin escaped from juvenille hall.. luckily they are now saying that they don't think she is pregnant again as she said she was (thank god josue is only 1 month and two days old).. the whole thing is a big huge mess.. i dont really know what to think of any of it..
i finally got the futon here and just in the nick of time since my bed finally fell in the other day.. the futon is a lot more comofortable than the couch i've been sleeping on.. i can't believe i'm pregnant. its really starting to become real.. i started showing like overnight a few days ago..i swear it happened instantly..
theres so much on my mind. i am doing ok in school but ok is definately not good enough. i am making two c's i am sure. its been a really rough semester. but they all are i suppose.
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| today in my life |
[27 Oct 2004|10:00pm] |
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i'm trying to fall asleep and i can't.. i am trying to send an email but my email program wont let me for some godawful reason. my computer isnt working once again. i can't believe i'm married and pregnant. i'm in a funk and i really wish i could fall asleep.
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| a baby is here! |
[16 Oct 2004|11:54am] |
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i spent my friday in the hospital with my niece jennifer. she gave birth to a baby boy at 7:42 p.m. (yes it was suppose to be a girl so we were all surprised) I got to stay in the room and see everything. It was really amazing. I cried. The baby weighed five pounds and fourteen ounces and was 18 inches long. His name is Jose Alonzo Gomez Jr. He has curly hair and brown eyes. he was so soft and tiny like satin. I can't wait until my baby is here.
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| babys still okay, got the computer working |
[11 Oct 2004|10:23pm] |
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my computer is working! i am still pregnant! less than two weeks to my wedding! so theres my update. i have a butt load of stuff to do tonight. i just woke up.
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[23 Sep 2004|02:05pm] |
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i still don't have a computer! i am at school, waiting for my microcomputing in education class to start. I am totally losing my mind. I am still paying for DSL not to mention the laptop computer that i have that is broken.. I am really hoping that i can get it fixed soon. i need to bring it to a shop i guess but god its going to cost so much money i am sure. i guess this weekend i will try to move josh's computer over to my house so i can use it. grr.
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[09 Sep 2004|02:04pm] |
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just so everyone knows my computer crashed about three days ago and i can't get online. matt tried to fix it but it didn't work. i tried to fix it but of course it didn't work. wendell is suppose to try to fix it sometime in the near future. hopefully third time will be the charm. i really miss my computer :-( shes my life. oh well.. i can't get on livejournal because my password is on the computer at home and i am at school, which sucks.
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| i want to believe you when you tell me it will be ok, i try to believe you, but i don't |
[11 Aug 2004|07:56pm] |
Life is so fragile. In every given month of trying did you know you only have about a 25% chance of conceiving? Then after actually conceiving theres atleast a 25% chance that your offspring will die in your womb. Its funny how we wander around not realizing what a miracle we are. Every day is a miracle. We are ants to the bigger picture.
There are so many things I want to say and I don't know how to say them. I have so many feelings that I am not sure what I am feeling today.
I am angry at people who don't realize how much you feel the second you realize you are pregnant. I am angry at people who can not understand how upset I am. I do not understand how anyone could do this to their baby on purpose, but I guess thats not mine to judge.
For all the jerks that keep telling me I have to get on with my life, I know. I am aware. Its a constant reminder that I should just get up and get on with my life and try again in september.
I am sad. I don't even want to try to explain to someone who hasn't been there just how sad I am. How much I hurt.
I question it. I question it so much. I believe in god. But life is not right sometimes. A lot of you think I don't need a baby. But whats the purpose of letting a child be created only for someone to take the morning after pill or go to a clinic because they are not in the mood to have a child that month or because they don't want their boyfriend to know they are sleeping with some other guy. What about all the eleven and twelve year old girls who are pregnant? There are more than you think.
I know everything happens for a reason. But I'm angry still. SO angry. I'm sad still, SO sad and yeah I'm a little jealous. Why can't the people who want babies have them and the people who don't, not. I just hope that september brings good news.
And I do want to get on with my life, I'm trying.
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| a poem by me that has no title |
[11 Aug 2004|07:39pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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The day you came upon my life
Your sunshine filled my every crevice
A dream come true
twenty-one years i'd waited for you
I felt for once like I was finally on top of things
And smiled and fluttered with every pain
I told the whole town of you
The dream, the angel, my life
It was all finally true
So small a ripple
Barely a sigh
But I knew you were there
With every happy tear I cried
The blood came before I knew
I never cried in public like I did over you
Soaked in our blood a unison pair
I know it was early but how could i not care?
I've felt alive for only a few days in my life
And I spent them with you inside
I lay in bed and I prayed and I cried
But it was too late
My love had died
Barely a ripple, and now you were gone
I may not have met you
But I felt goodbye with every lonely tear I cried
I wish I could take it back
I often wish I'd never known
They'll never be another heartache like this
Another pain quite like this I'll never own
It could have been worse
It was so soon
Get on with your life
Thats what they all say
but you weren't a cell, a mass, a head of a pin
You were my baby
I'll never question when life begins
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[11 Aug 2004|05:41pm] |
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wow it takes a lot to write crappy in chinese.
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[11 Aug 2004|05:37pm] |
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 crappy |
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i have the hiccups
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| The bitter taste of losing everything I've held so dear |
[11 Aug 2004|04:47pm] |
Fallen By Sarah Mclachlan
Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
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[16 Jul 2004|02:28am] |
Have you ever been called...
a slut?.........................yes
a whore?........................Yes
a lost cause?...................no
poor?...........................Yes
a mama's child?.................Yes
a zit-face?.....................no
stinky?.........................yes
a bitch?........................probably
rude?...........................probably
a satanist?.....................yes
sexy?...........................yes
thoughtful?.....................no
bigoted?........................no
ditzy?...........................no
insane?.........................Yes
flat-chested?...................yes
an owner of breast implants?....No
a member of the opposite sex?...No
ugly?...........................Yes
gorgeous?.......................Yes
immature?.......................Yes
too mature?.....................yes
older than your years?..........Yes
wiser than your years?..........Yes
a hypocrite?....................no
egotistical?....................no
self-centered?..................yes
flamboyant?.....................yes
a bad singer?...................no
a waste of space?...............no
a soul mate? ...................Yes
a frump?........................yes
a nerd or geek?.................Yes
a jock?.........................no
a preppy?.......................yes
a punk?.........................yes
a goth?.........................Yes
a retard?.......................Yes
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| cure songs that are really important to my life right now |
[16 Jul 2004|02:22am] |
oh elise it doesn't matter what you say
i just can't stay here every yesterday
like keep on acting out the same
the way we act out
every way to smile
forget
and make-believe we never needed
any more than this
any more than this
oh elise it doesn't matter what you do
i know i'll never really get inside of you
to make your eyes catch fire
the way they should
the way the blue could pull me in
if they only would
if they only would
at least i'd lose this sense of sensing something else
that hides away
from me and you
there're worlds to part
with aching looks and breaking hearts
and all the prayers your hands can make
oh i just take as much as you can throw
and then throw it all away
oh i throw it all away
like throwing faces at the sky
like throwing arms round
yesterday
i stood and stared
wide-eyed in front of you
and the face i saw looked back
the way i wanted to
but i just can't hold my tears away
the way you do
elise believe i never wanted this
i thought this time i'd keep all of my promises
i thought you were the girl always dreamed about
but i let the dream go
and the promises broke
and the make-believe ran out...
oh elise
it doesn't matter what you say
i just can't stay here every yesterday
like keep on acting out the same
the way we act out
every way to smile
forget
and make-believe we never needed
any more than this
any more than this
and every time i try to pick it up
like falling sand
as fast as i pick it up
it suns away through my clutching hands
but there's nothing else i can really do
there's nothing else
i can really do
at all...
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i've been looking so long at these pictures of
you that i almost beleive that they're real i've
been living so long with my pictures of you that
i almost believe that the pictures are all i can
feel
remembering you standing quiet in the rain as
i ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as
the sky fell in holding you close how i always
held close in your fear remembering you
running soft through the night you were bigger
and brigther than the snow and
screamed at the make-beleive screamed at the
sky and you finally found all your courage to
let it all go
remembering you fallen into my arms crying
for the death of your heart you were stone
white so delicate lost in the cold you were
always so lost in the dark remembering you
how you used to be slow drowned you were
angels so much more than everything oh hold
for the last time then slip away quietly open
my eyes but i never see anything
if only i had thought of the right words i could
have hold on to your heart if only i'd thought of
the right words i wouldn't be breaking apart all
my pictures of you
Looking So long at these pictures of you but i
never hold on to your heart looking so long for
the words to be true but always just breaking
apart my pictures of you
there was nothing in the world that i ever
wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world that i ever
wanted more than to never feel the breaking
apart all my pictures of you
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This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside
I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give them more and more
I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give the world and more
The think I'm on my hands and head
This time they're much too slow
Six sides to every lie I say
It's that American voice again
It was never quite like this before
Not one of you is the same
This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside
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I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
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[07 Jul 2004|02:40am] |
You are ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? Though you may
not have peed your pants, you sure as hell feel
like you are going to sometimes. Are you a
pussy? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[07 Jul 2004|02:30am] |
movies i rented from work tonight:
the doom generation
groove
eurotrip
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[07 Jul 2004|02:01am] |
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mood |
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i got my shift leader training manual and stuff tonight!! woo hoo!
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